Massive row about money

[ExCoffeeAddict]

’d’h and I have been together 14 years married for 10 1dc

until around 6 months ago all money went into one pot where all bills and spendings came from and we set money aside for savings. But I never seemed to have any money doing this. I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc so I had enough and we agreed to split our money so now we pay x amount into a joking account for bills the rest is our own

key point is H pays more into the pot than me but he technically should also have slightly more left over for himself

last night h was saying he has no money left it’s 2 weeks till payday but I have a few hundred £ and he was so angry saying I don’t contribute enough to our savings and that I was taking the piss to have £££ in my account when he has none

I have been careful with my money that’s not all left from my last wage I don’t spend every penny I get every month and I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

he said I don’t put enough into savings for holiday- but over the last 2 months I have paid out £1200 towards holiday costs

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

long story short- I pay my pre agreed amount towards bills and living costs each month and have also contributed £1200 over the last 2 months towards holiday savings so Aibu to think I shouldn’t be shouted at by dh in regards to not contributing?

he gives you pocket money — money that you've earned! This doesn't sound right. You sound like a surrendered wife. Pocket money is what you give to children. It's not what you call money earned by an adult.

The good thing about having a pot for everything is that when the money is in the pot you can spend it and enjoy it!

Eg kids clothes. I was always just kind of buying them stuff and then worrying whether we could afford it (I had no idea if we could or not). Now I know that at October half term I will have enough in the pot to buy them each a winter weekend outfit - my lad is living in joggers and sweatshirt so I am pleased I will be able to get him some smarter trousers and a shirt for family gatherings etc and I will know that I can afford it.

So you have to wait and delay gratification but it is worth it in the end.

I realise most people will have learned these basics things in their early twenties but better late than never ....

I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

I hope a holiday for joint children is also paid jointly? I often see the 'we each have money to spend on ourselves' but in reality, the woman spends most of it on home and kids anyway.

Spend it into a separate account that he doesn’t know about. Then you don’t “have” it for him to
take. He’s been spending “your” money for years and leaving you without.

He was essentially spending all of both of your disposable incomes each month for years.

It's been evened up so that it's fairer and that makes him angry.

That says an awful lot about him, frankly.

Sounds as if he's been financially abusive for a while and he's now having a tantrum because things have changed. I'd be saving money where he cannot access it and make plans for a future by yourself.

I looked into this - I did t think you could sync up your accounts as it’s a US app?

Haven’t RTFT just OP’s posts.

He is being abusive and is now ramping the abuse up because you have money. Abusive people frequently don’t want the person they are controlling to have access to money because it allows them to be independent.

I agree that you should put money away in your own name. Build up savings while you either decide if you stay or leave, or get your ducks in a row.

Me and my dh do this, except I’m the one who sorts out the finances so it’s me that gives us our ‘pocket money’. In that I set up the standing order to transfer it into each of our own personal accounts. We can’t see each other’s personal accounts so we have no idea what each of us has in ‘pocket money’. It doesn’t mean I’m financially controlling, just that I carried out the practicality and set it up.

He is pissed off because you can now see how much of your joint money he took, that you never had access to. That and he can't carry in as he was before.

If an honest discussion doesn't fix the situation, adjust his expectations and come up with a proper compromise then you are going to have to fully reappraise your relationship. Best of luck with that!

This is why you should NEVER combine finances.

I know not all men could be like this (there must be some exceptions) but nearly every man I have ever known is shit with money/planning.

Its always women in charge of savings and making sure things like xmas, birthday and holidays are sorted for the kids on top of day to day living.

You can tell when my DH has just been paid because for a week it will be treats hear and treats there and takeaways every day and 3 new shirts from river island (that he will never wear) and lets go to this expensive day out and then two weeks of being tight with money getting tighter by the day then by a week before payday its I cant survive, I have no money, Im in debt, you'll have to pay for everything virtually having panic attacks at the thought of bills.

Yet rinse and repete every month like he never learns, he has been doing it for 20 years you think he would realise but he doesnt and wont listen.

Yep…and do it in an account he doesn’t have sight of so he can’t see how much you have. He sounds awful

I'm not confused. But thanks for the assumption!

My post (in contact and not the 1 paragraph of 5 you highlighted out of context - was about sitting down with him a after getting HIM to put down all his spends - and show him that the OP isn't spending more than him (she gets less anyway) but that her money is spent on D.C. and his (likely!) isn't and of course when he plays golf she's providing free childcare. I'm sure he doesn't take the kid with him!

So he's getting time away from the home to spend his money whilst she is at home with the child not spending it and likely when away from home is with the child and spending on them.

My whole post in context was if that after this discussion with actual figures he cannot see he is getting his fair er than what use to be a disproportionate share then I'd be considering financial abuse and the future.

I just think until he's seen it in black and white he should be given the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone is great with figures and maths.
But also - he may well just be a selfish prick.

This.

Don't get a joint account as has been suggested because he will spend "his" half and then prep into yours.

And in future don't tell him how much money is in your account. That's yours. He has his own "pocket money"

So basically he's annoyed that he used to be able to spend all of his left over wages and a chunk of yours too but now he only gets to spend his own? That's pretty much what it boils down to. That's a very ugly trait he's got there.

It does sound like a control issue, but I just can't get past the fact he was so angry just because you had a couple hundred more due to not spending previous months wages. Normal adults in a supportive relationship surely all money in one pot normal monthly spending, big purchases discussed and agreed on and put what you can afford to one side for savings.

Otherwise it gets a bit like flatmates? What happens if you lend him some of your money or vice versa? 'Oh can I have that ten pounds back please?'

My DH out earns me x6.

I got into debt from buying stuff for the DC and didn't tell him. He was fuming but I explained I didn't feel like I could tell him. Had some heart to heart conversations about money etc and since then we do the following:-

1. Both get paid into our accounts.
2. Have a joint starling account (with pots). Put an amount in there for kids expenses, clothes, my hair, house stuff and an £800 for 'going out: this is joint spends.

Putting money in the starling account a is pretty much equal to my salary.

1. DH transfer money to put other joint account for all our other bills

1. Put food and petrol on a credit card that we clear each month.

1. Any excess is put into savings.

DHS bonus is put into joint savings.

We are both much more transparent and open with money now and I would say we are happier.

DH earns a lot and my lifestyle is better than I could fund myself so in some would say he is subsidising me BUT I had 5 years out of work. His career rocketed and we are now both benefitting.

It certainly reads as though this is the case.

Can you ask him to write out how much the golf trips and nights out have cost him? Tell him that's where his £££ has gone. You haven't gone on nights out or on any golf trips so your £££ is in your bank account. He doesn't get to shift the goalposts just because he's got no money left.

He has to learn to budget!

I do think this is an easier system

But if you don’t, stick with what you have and stick to your guns. You should have equal spending money by the way, it doesn’t matter if he earns more, you are a partnership.

He’s being a bully OP, don’t allow him to twist the argument. He was used to being able to spend all your spare money, and now he can’t.

Thanks for everyone’s replies

he accepts that he was out of order but this just ruins a perfectly good weekend

he has no money as he has treated himself to trips and events and big ones too like cricket and golf events etc

you have all given me food for thought but at the end of it all I plan on keeping my mouth shut in future about what I have and saving my own money and seriously contemplating my future here

He has been financially abusing you for years.

Now that you have grown a back bone and are asking for fairness he has shown you what an abusive prick he really is.

I would not stay in this relationship. You would be even better off financially if you left him. He doesn't respect you anyway. Hell, sounds like he doesn't even like you.

Thanks and I have actually said this to him

I don’t think he actually likes me or he has some kind of resentment that he isn’t sharing and it comes out in these crazy ways

madness

and typically everyone thinks he’s mr nice guy

My advice would to be to see if he can turn over a new leaf in relation to money. If he's been able to dip into a pool of money for so long, it'll take a bit of adjusting on his part to realise that the cash-cow has dried up and he needs to keep a closer eye on his own money.

If he keeps being abusive to you in relation to money or anything else (as abusers can change what their trigger may be if the one they've been using for a while stops being effective) then make sure that you have your own nest egg and leave.

Good plan OP. Stick to your guns. Take your time. Act when you're ready.

It sounds to me like with the joint account, he was basically burning through more than his fair share of the leftover money (to put it bluntly, all his spare and then some of yours on top) and now you've got separate accounts he's faced with the reality of not having enough to fund his spending and he's pissed off.

You need an escape fund. Time to start hiding money in an account he knows nothing about. He will put you in a financial hole otherwise.