Massive row about money

[ExCoffeeAddict]

’d’h and I have been together 14 years married for 10 1dc

until around 6 months ago all money went into one pot where all bills and spendings came from and we set money aside for savings. But I never seemed to have any money doing this. I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc so I had enough and we agreed to split our money so now we pay x amount into a joking account for bills the rest is our own

key point is H pays more into the pot than me but he technically should also have slightly more left over for himself

last night h was saying he has no money left it’s 2 weeks till payday but I have a few hundred £ and he was so angry saying I don’t contribute enough to our savings and that I was taking the piss to have £££ in my account when he has none

I have been careful with my money that’s not all left from my last wage I don’t spend every penny I get every month and I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

he said I don’t put enough into savings for holiday- but over the last 2 months I have paid out £1200 towards holiday costs

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

long story short- I pay my pre agreed amount towards bills and living costs each month and have also contributed £1200 over the last 2 months towards holiday savings so Aibu to think I shouldn’t be shouted at by dh in regards to not contributing?

Oh god no I’m getting confused 😐 please mumsnet get an edit option!!! Above point was a reply to @TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Poor money management from who? Dh? Me or both?

He is a spoilt brat who is used to spending YOUR money on himself as well as his own.

So he has over 800 a month hes getting through?

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

He needs to look at his spends and adjust accordingly.

To pp who asked could I support myself on my own- yes 100% could do

If he is raging because his supposedly beloved wife has a few quid to her name, you have a really big problem.

It won't work, will it, because it's not as if you pay all those bills and do all that shopping on Day 1 so you know what exactly is left to be split. They're spread out over the month, and in the meantime OP's husband will still be dipping in to pay for his nights out and golf trips.

Really they need to analyse how much the bills come to plus a sensible amount for holiday and other savings, and put in enough to the joint account to cover those in amounts proportionate to their respective earnings. Then each of them keeps whatever is left over out of their own earnings, and if OP's husband is left skint because he can't access OP's savings, tough. And it sounds as if that is roughly what is happening currently.

Is this the first time he's been like this? (Raging)

Or is it just since he can control you?

This is exactly what’s happening

I assume you pointed out there is nothing disgusting about it, you have money left over because you haven't frittered it on nights out? What was his response?

No- he can have a real nasty streak when he’s had a drink and the next day apologises and expects me to just forget about it

The amount you put into your joint account between you needs to be worked out to cover everything. It's not just the regular monthly costs but things that are one offs...money budgeted for dentist, birthday presents that crop up throughout the year etc (Martin Lewis has a guide)...as well as a bit for savings for a holiday. Then what's genuinely left is what's actually left for spending.

It's really hard when two people in a relationship have a very different attitude to money. I doubt he'll ever change to the extent that he does a complete u-turn to be like you. So it's a case of whether he can change a little and whether your then willing to accept this. His attitude currently sucks though.

Hmm, the trouble with the “all into one pot, core needs and savings paid, then an equal split for personal spending” is that it relies on one person not spending whatever they want from that joint pot in a childish pique. And from what you’ve written, this is what your DH has been doing for years, treating the joint pot as all his.

Does your current way include both putting in a regular amount for savings, not just core costs, into the joint pot OP? If not, I would try and both agree to do that, so you’ve got a clearly defined contribution.

For the remaining personal amounts, I would 100% keep yours private and just say something vague if he asks like all those after-school treats for DC really add up.

You used to subsidise his lifestyle choices and now you don't. He's the one being unreasonable. Stick to your guns.

@ExCoffeeAddict just go back a few months and work out how much of ‘your’ contribution he was spending on himself.

There is one point I’d make - despite earning less than my partner (until about 5 years ago when I caught up) we have always split everything 50:50. Your salaries are not that different. Maybe pay the same. Also you could separate the savings (and agree to put half towards major purchases from your individual savings).

Yes and his response was I obviously don’t pay enough towards the holidays but then I reminded him I’d paid £1200 over 2 months he just started going round in circles

@ExCoffeeAddict we have always done this. Whilst I understand the one pot thing and it’s all household money (it’s not, in my opinion), but I really don’t like that approach.

I put in my share into the household account as I never wanted someone suggesting what I can and can’t do with my obey. Not that DP would do this, but I’ve read too much in here and always like control of my own finances. It seems that for as long as you had the old system, your DH was spending above what he earns, so he needs to adjust. I wouldn’t go backwards

Just seen your update. I think for a small difference in two big salaries I'm not sure I'd bother with the different amounts to be honest. And he's using this as an excuse. If you both put the same in he has no recourse to say it's unfair.

But he is awful. I wouldn't let this go when he gives a rubbish apology. And he is clearly stupid if he can't work out that the reason you have money is that he spends all his and you don't. He probably won't do this but if he actually saw his and your bank statements in black and white it might hit home.

So he has even less ?

Yes and his response was I obviously don’t pay enough towards the holidays but then I reminded him I’d paid £1200 over 2 months he just started going round in circles

He is beside himself with rage because YOUR money is no longer accessible to him.

In regards to savings from what I understood we were each responsible for saving towards the holidays and ensuring we have some money as a buffer eg if car needs repairs etc which I have been doing- in my own account if I send money to the ‘savings’ account what’s to stop him spending this when he runs out of money? I would rather have the savings myself and contribute towards the holidays my share and then if we need something extra we should each have a savings buffer for this

he has had ultimate control for years now I can afford to treat myself and have more ‘equal responsibility’ but he just doesn’t like it

This ^

Sorry.

Me and dh do similar. We calculate all bills and family expenses, then split what is left. DH earns a lot more than me so puts more in and we have the same amount left over. (He earns more because i had to cut my hours for childcare reasons.)
This is the only fair way I think or you never really know what is OK to spend.
I am usually the one who spends all my money too early in the month, and DH is sensible. We do sometimes end up arguing about it because he gets annoyed that I never end up saving. I usually just point out that since it's my spending money it's my choice!! I don't ask him for more or anything so it's not really his business as far as I can see.

The fundamental issue is that he's been living beyond his means with all the pub and golf trips, subsidised by OP's earnings. He's now cross he's had to curtail things a bit because OP would like some of her own money to spend/save/enjoy/control. Carry on as you are OP, he has plenty of money for spends, but not unlimited funds and needs to learn to live within his means.

A chap I know became much more reasonable about money when it was explained to him in detail what his financial situation would be on divorce