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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Massive row about money

174 replies

ExCoffeeAddict · 29/08/2022 08:45

’d’h and I have been together 14 years married for 10 1dc

until around 6 months ago all money went into one pot where all bills and spendings came from and we set money aside for savings. But I never seemed to have any money doing this. I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc so I had enough and we agreed to split our money so now we pay x amount into a joking account for bills the rest is our own

key point is H pays more into the pot than me but he technically should also have slightly more left over for himself

last night h was saying he has no money left it’s 2 weeks till payday but I have a few hundred £ and he was so angry saying I don’t contribute enough to our savings and that I was taking the piss to have £££ in my account when he has none

I have been careful with my money that’s not all left from my last wage I don’t spend every penny I get every month and I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

he said I don’t put enough into savings for holiday- but over the last 2 months I have paid out £1200 towards holiday costs

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

long story short- I pay my pre agreed amount towards bills and living costs each month and have also contributed £1200 over the last 2 months towards holiday savings so Aibu to think I shouldn’t be shouted at by dh in regards to not contributing?

OP posts:

Ellie56 · 29/08/2022 14:07

and typically everyone thinks he’s mr nice guy.

Yep that's usually the way with these nasty abusive twats.

Hang on to your money and seriously consider whether you want to stay with someone who treats you like shit.

Pixiedust1234 · 29/08/2022 14:12

I'm bit curious op, what did he say when you told him you had been going without for years, due to not knowing what was pending? Did he blame you for not spending your share quickly enough? Mine did. Mine also blames me for not eating my share of treats quickly enough too. He eats his, then the kids, then hunts down my hidden stash. My fault though 🙄

GelatoQueen · 29/08/2022 14:27

OP - we used to have a system where me a DH paid the same % of our respective salaries into a joint account to cover all bills and joint expenditure (such as holidays). Obviously we budgeted first to determine how much money we needed in this account per month with contingency. It worked really well as proportionally we were paying the same amount and the rest of our salaries were ours to do with as we pleased.

We only changed the system because I went part time and all my money now goes into joint account (but DH isn't a twat and doesn't spend all the money on himself)

Scepticalwotsits · 29/08/2022 14:43

you payed out £1200 in holiday costs over the last 12 months - which is a good chunk but if it was £1200 of say a £5000 holiday its not that great.

its sounds like you both need to have a sit down about the money situation because you both have differing expectations

velvetvixen · 29/08/2022 14:46

its sounds like you both need to have a sit down about the money situation because you both have differing expectations

Indeed. Her husband expects to continue to spend her money on himself.

Kona84 · 29/08/2022 14:54

I think it shows that when he had control and you had no money left it’s because he was spending your money on top of his own.

have you checked the savings account to make sure money is still there and the amount you expected

AhNowTed · 29/08/2022 14:59

Kona84 · 29/08/2022 14:54

I think it shows that when he had control and you had no money left it’s because he was spending your money on top of his own.

have you checked the savings account to make sure money is still there and the amount you expected

And I'd be claiming those savings since he spent the rest.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 29/08/2022 15:07

YANBU. Dh and I do similar, except all money and we then take equal agreed amounts to our own accounts for personal stuff. So the only way I think YABU is in taking less for yourself (and I say this as the larger earner in my relationship). Also spending for the kids should come from the joint pot otherwise you have even less than him for yourself....

billy1966 · 29/08/2022 15:43

You badly need to speak to Women's aid.

He is highly abusive and is raging at no longer being able to financially abuse you.

This is a crime.

Start getting copies of all finances and get organised.

This is an awful environment for your children.

He abuses you when drunk.

He is scum.
You are being used by him.

Get copies of all shared assets, payslips, pensions.
Find the name of a good solicitor and get legal advice.

Original poster

ExCoffeeAddict · 29/08/2022 15:45

Scepticalwotsits · 29/08/2022 14:43

you payed out £1200 in holiday costs over the last 12 months - which is a good chunk but if it was £1200 of say a £5000 holiday its not that great.

its sounds like you both need to have a sit down about the money situation because you both have differing expectations

It was £1200 over last 2 months so £600 last month £600 this month

everyone is totally right that he’s seen a dip in his lifestyle because I was basically funding all his social events etc and it was annoying me that we would go on a night out he’s spend so much on booze and I don’t really drink much so I’d have 1-2 wines or a cocktail then soft drinks and he’d have beers wine cocktails all night then moan we had no money…. And I’d think how TF do we have no money we earn good wages!?

to pp who said we have almost £100k as a household ABSOLUTELY- so why did I never have any money? Because he spends too much!! And now he doesn’t like that I live within my means and he’s on his last few £ before payday!

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 29/08/2022 16:05

Glad you've got some clarity OP.

He's pulled the wool over your eyes long enough.

Well done, and don't allow him to fleece you any longer. Selfish gaslighting git.

KosherDill · 29/08/2022 16:09

ExCoffeeAddict · 29/08/2022 11:49

Thanks for everyone’s replies

he accepts that he was out of order but this just ruins a perfectly good weekend

he has no money as he has treated himself to trips and events and big ones too like cricket and golf events etc

you have all given me food for thought but at the end of it all I plan on keeping my mouth shut in future about what I have and saving my own money and seriously contemplating my future here

I couldn't abide a spendthrift but what's worse is his attitude. A loving spouse or partner would be happy for you to have spending money and would put his own wants on the back burner as you have done for so long.

Thank goodness you can support yourself. You are still young enough to build a less toxic life if you want to.

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/08/2022 16:14

He's angry with you because he doesn't like the change and doesn't want to admit/acknowledge that he's crap with money. Poor baby.

Beelezebub · 29/08/2022 16:28

ExCoffeeAddict · 29/08/2022 15:45

It was £1200 over last 2 months so £600 last month £600 this month

Show quote history

Then he’s going to have to learn to bloody suffer for a while isn’t he?

thenightsky · 29/08/2022 16:53

He is only angry because he's been found out and you are the easiest to take his tantrum out on.

lamaze1 · 29/08/2022 16:59

You sound sensible OP and have hit the nail on the head. YOU have been funding his lifestyle at your expense and he is utterly hacked off he has been found out/lost control/can't afford to continue as he was. I couldn't be with someone if they had done this to me and we're now behaving as he is.

billy1966 · 29/08/2022 17:01

He's definitely been financially abusing you and stealing from you.

Do you really want to be funding this loser into retirement?

LoisLane66 · 29/08/2022 23:04

@Scepticalwotsits
The OP PAID £1200 into the holiday savings account over TWO MONTHS, not twelve.

kateandme · 29/08/2022 23:29

Only you no him.has he just seen a lot of money and stupidly let his lifestyle get away from him.still selfish but…
or has he been not caring about his family and in control and freely thought it ok,even right he spends whatever he wants.
sounds like the latter and worse is the cruel ness and anger.
I no you’ve said you will keep now saving your own not letting him have his way. But do you want to live with a man who has done this to you,and is how angry he can’t.he should be remorseful having realised how much he’s been spending of your money.
it’s his attitude here to it all not just his actions.
and it sounds like you might not really like him now either?
I never like to say leave the masters.
but to stay and be unhappy and your dc grow up being so isn’t right either

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/08/2022 23:31

ExCoffeeAddict · 29/08/2022 09:43

It’s a good system to have and I agree this would be worth looking at if I wasn’t questioning if I even want to be in this relationship anymore

@ExCoffeeAddict

I don't know why you're questioning it, surely everyone wants to be with a mean, selfish, financially illiterate, financially abusive twat don't they?

I really hope this thread is helping you to see him for what he is and realise you deserve better, much better. You'd be better off financially and mentally without him. It's hard I know as it's not how we see our futures, but it pays to cut your losses as soon as you realise it's not good. Leaving it linger just leaves you in a worse position & it doesn't change how much it hurts or how difficult it is to realise your dreams have turned into nightmares.

You'll never change the selfish cunt

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 29/08/2022 23:39

He's in for a shock in the next few months and years. Things are going to get very difficult for most people.

Scepticalwotsits · 30/08/2022 07:13

LoisLane66 · 29/08/2022 23:04

@Scepticalwotsits
The OP PAID £1200 into the holiday savings account over TWO MONTHS, not twelve.

typo on my behalf but the point I was making still stands £1200 is a lot but it also depends on whether it was the whole holiday part of the holiday etc.

but between them they need to actually have a talk about money properly, they have gone from an ours situation to a yours and mine.

im not going to pass comment on if that’s right or not as people manage their money differently all over but the way it works is communication.

the husband is clearly dipping to much, but if previously that’s not been called out and his golf etc has been what he’s been doing it can be a case of why can’t I still do my things.

flip side is OP couldn’t do her things because DH was spending so much.

regardless of who is in the wrong you have a situation where one side feels they have had something taken away and another side that hasn’t had enough. They have addressed the issue about where the money is split but it doesn’t seem like they have talked about expectations and understanding of its impacts on their previous lifestyle.

DH is clearly out of line spending all of his and wanting OP to subsidise but I thinks it’s unrealistic to suddenly go from one situation into the other without a reality check happening.

saleorbouy · 30/08/2022 07:39

You both need to discuss budgeting and saving. Spending all your salary two weeks before payday shows he's out of control.
Do you have savings for incidental expenses and emergencies ( interest rate rises)? It would be wise in this current climate rather than him viewing all 'spare' money as disposable income.

lanbro · 30/08/2022 07:48

I run a business with xh, we are paid the same. My rent is actually more than his mortgage yet he never has spare money whilst I'm a saver and have a good buffer. He's an ex for a reason, these men don't change!

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