Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told my ex to “go fuck herself”

251 replies

Jasong92 · 28/08/2022 23:47

I need some advice/guidance please?

Me and my partner recently split up, everything was going well but social services got involved, told her a load of lies about me and she believes them and left me (I’m awaiting CAB to phone and to take SS to court as they’ve lied about me to my ex so I can clear my name)

Anyway she had unblocked me again today after reblocking me many times and was ready to start talking at first but then each time it got to where she was having a go at me.

I’ve had so much pressure on me this week with that and being emotional and upset losing the women I had a marriage booked with who I love with all my heart, I was upset at her behaviour and told her to “go fuck herself” I instantly regretted it and apologised several times but it wasn’t going enough she said don’t ever contact me again or come to my house I’ll see you in hell and blocked me on everything, my behaviour was bang out of order and I apologised many times straight away, but she didn’t care and says she wants nothing more to do with me but she’s pregnant with our child, have I ruined it and is she gone forever do you think?😞😭

Thank you

Asking on here as women know what things like this mean, thank you all again!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 12:44

Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 12:35

it was about 9 years ago the incident but I only came into possession of the messages saying it wasn’t me recently, I am going to court for access to my second daughter but prior to having to do so I had her solely without restriction every weekend

Why did you lose access to your second daughter? You said you saw her. How long ago did you lose access to her?

Your poor first one being left in a physically abusive environment for nine years. Wow.

You currently have no access to any of your three children. Do you never consider that there's a valid reason for that?

Testina · 30/08/2022 13:02

You need to learn how to put on a condom. What a car crash.

LemonDrop22 · 30/08/2022 13:27

I am going to court for access to my second daughter but prior to having to do so I had her solely without restriction every weekend

Why did you lose access to your second child?

The accusations and subsequent loss of access to your first daughter presumably happened before your second came along so how come you had access and then lost it?

Are the allegations of violence that SS told you recent ex related to your second child's mother (as well the situation with the first child & her mother).

LemonDrop22 · 30/08/2022 13:28

*your recent ex

wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 13:35

If anyone told me / I found out they had lost access to one child due to upheld allegations of abuse towards them causing injury, and lost access to a second child for another reason (you haven't confirmed what this is but the threshold is very high so it's something very serious) then I wouldn't have a child with them.

The mother of your third child either did so irresponsibly knowing this information or did so and has now come to her senses and is going no contact with you.

You don't lose access to all of your children for nothing. The threshold is so high that children are forced to have contact in centres with parents who are addicts, have been violent, have abused the other parent of the child etc.

The thought of leaving a child in a physically abusive environment for nine years and only fighting for them to be safe (if that's even what you're doing) because the mother of yet another child has dumped you is sickening.

That poor kid.

LemonDrop22 · 30/08/2022 13:42

You've left your firstborn child with a woman who you say abuses her (and you say she caused the injury she & her family pinned on you) for 9 years.

And from some point also with a dodgy sounding step father who keeps weapons in the house .. for 9 years?

You've not seen her for 9 years?

And you didnt pursue anything legally etc. until 1 person (informally?) withdrew their statement recently.

In the meantime you've had another child with one woman, and have another on the way with another woman.

Sorry, but your kids, especially the eldest, don't seem like your priority at all.

The "haven't done what I should have, but I'm doing it now" is .... SMH.
And a bit of a coincidence that you're doing it now a woman you want is getting rid of you.

LemonDrop22 · 30/08/2022 13:48

Asking on here as women know what things like this mean, thank you all again!

Nothing any sensible man/human couldn't tell you (were all human, you know!) .....

She thinks what you say is lies about your history might be true; she currently doesn't want to continue your relationship or have you in the baby's life ...(And is also angry that you told her to fuck herself during an argument about what SS told her).

You say it's lies, SS says it's true. She's being sensible and thinking it's unlikely to all be lies ... Especially if it's about more than one woman/family (?)

Simple enough.

Good luck with your legal battles.

LemonDrop22 · 30/08/2022 13:59

I'd also strongly recommend you have a vasectomy, you already have 3 kids, it could take years to clear your name and change SS's recommendations (or whatever they are) about you; if you ever do.

It's not fair to bring more kids into this, or subject more women to this.

sourraspberry · 30/08/2022 15:47

LemonDrop22 · 30/08/2022 13:42

You've left your firstborn child with a woman who you say abuses her (and you say she caused the injury she & her family pinned on you) for 9 years.

And from some point also with a dodgy sounding step father who keeps weapons in the house .. for 9 years?

You've not seen her for 9 years?

And you didnt pursue anything legally etc. until 1 person (informally?) withdrew their statement recently.

In the meantime you've had another child with one woman, and have another on the way with another woman.

Sorry, but your kids, especially the eldest, don't seem like your priority at all.

The "haven't done what I should have, but I'm doing it now" is .... SMH.
And a bit of a coincidence that you're doing it now a woman you want is getting rid of you.

Agree with everything @LemonDrop22 has said throughout this thread. In fact what everyone has said.

How you think you are in any way in the "right" is beyond me. When did you last see your eldest daughter? Ballpark? Month? Year?

You haven't responded to any of the direct questions asked here, just spouted a load of "but I" and "not my fault"

Do you pay maintenance for your two existing children?

Original poster
Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:14

When did I ever say I was in the right? And it’s not because I’m losing someone that I realise I need to do the right thing and protect my daughter, it’s peoples comments here that’s made me realise this, I know it shouldn’t have taken that and the last time I seen her was about 8 years ago at Christmas time I’d turned up to contact with her presents to be told by social worker she wouldn’t answer the door and so couldn’t bring her to the contact with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:16

I didn’t tell her to go and fuck herself because of what SS said, I’d said it as she had previously said the baby wasn’t mine (she later apologised for that and said it is mine) and then on that day had unblocked me just to call me names and give me abuse which hurt, I got upset and said that regrettably, I know that’s nothing compared to what she’s going through but I can’t take that back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:17

I pay maintenance for one of my children yes and have done consistently since she was 1 pretty much.

OP posts:
sourraspberry · 30/08/2022 17:17

You have gone EIGHT YEARS without seeing your daughter?!

And conceived two more children in the meantime?!

Not sure quite what to say to that to be honest... how do YOU think you've done as a father/human??

Original poster
Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:19

I was having regular contact with my second daughter every weekend over night, this stopped when their was some days I couldn’t have my daughter due to work, she took a dim view when she was wanting to go out with her friends and asked me to have my daughter however due to work I couldn’t have her to be told “you need to tell your employer you have a kid and need to mind her when I ask you to” I understand that but I can’t just waltz into my supervisors office and say I won’t be in today because I’m having my daughter instead, my p60 would be in the post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:20

Not great, but I’m trying to make amends, maybe a little late but better late than never I guess :/

OP posts:
CatsAreCrackers · 30/08/2022 17:25

Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:17

I pay maintenance for one of my children yes and have done consistently since she was 1 pretty much.

Why don't you pay for the other?

SudocremOnEverything · 30/08/2022 17:29

Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:20

Not great, but I’m trying to make amends, maybe a little late but better late than never I guess :/

God. You sound like my STBXH (right down to the apparent bewilderment that things have gone so wrong for you).

just saying you are ‘trying to make amends’ isn’t doing so. And min many cases late is as good as - or even worse than - never. Because the people who needed the amends are damaged by your actions, have probably rebuilt their lives despite that, and frankly don’t want you sanding back in saying ‘sorry’ (and then expecting things to return to what you’ve decided is normal service.).

sourraspberry · 30/08/2022 17:37

Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:19

I was having regular contact with my second daughter every weekend over night, this stopped when their was some days I couldn’t have my daughter due to work, she took a dim view when she was wanting to go out with her friends and asked me to have my daughter however due to work I couldn’t have her to be told “you need to tell your employer you have a kid and need to mind her when I ask you to” I understand that but I can’t just waltz into my supervisors office and say I won’t be in today because I’m having my daughter instead, my p60 would be in the post.

Why do you keep repeating this nonsense and ignoring the valid questions people are asking??

What about your eldest daughter??

wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 17:47

Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:19

I was having regular contact with my second daughter every weekend over night, this stopped when their was some days I couldn’t have my daughter due to work, she took a dim view when she was wanting to go out with her friends and asked me to have my daughter however due to work I couldn’t have her to be told “you need to tell your employer you have a kid and need to mind her when I ask you to” I understand that but I can’t just waltz into my supervisors office and say I won’t be in today because I’m having my daughter instead, my p60 would be in the post.

Wait so her mum said you couldn't see have regular contact with her anymore and... what?

No formal contact arrangement? No court? No official stripping of your parental rights?

You just accepted not seeing your own daughter anymore?

You didn't fight to see her?

How can your heart bear that?

You've walked away from a child you say was and is being physically abused for the best part of a decade, walked away from another child because their mum said they didn't want you to see her anymore.

And you wonder why the mother of your latest child has had a change of heart?!

wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 17:51

Why do you only pay maintenance for one of your children and not the other?

Is it because you view maintenance as a sort of cash for access thing and if you can't see the child, you think your obligation to support them financially is unfair?

Your child is already living in an abusive home, according to you. And you've not only walked away completely, you've even stopped contributing to their upbringing financially.

Was the most recent one planned? How long were you together before she fell pregnant?

vodkaredbullgirl · 30/08/2022 19:46

The more you say, the worse you sound.

Completelyovernonsense · 30/08/2022 19:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

girlmom21 · 30/08/2022 20:14

Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 17:19

I was having regular contact with my second daughter every weekend over night, this stopped when their was some days I couldn’t have my daughter due to work, she took a dim view when she was wanting to go out with her friends and asked me to have my daughter however due to work I couldn’t have her to be told “you need to tell your employer you have a kid and need to mind her when I ask you to” I understand that but I can’t just waltz into my supervisors office and say I won’t be in today because I’m having my daughter instead, my p60 would be in the post.

How do you think everyone else copes? Your job fits your contact arrangement. That's it. No compromise.

wellhelloitsme · 30/08/2022 20:18

why did you take a job that didnt accommodate your childcare needs? You just expect the RP to pick up your slack?

Quite.

And presumably he doesn't work 24 hours a day 7 days a week yet still couldn't squeeze in a relationship with his own child.

Much easier to get yet another woman pregnant despite already having lost access to two children - one through abuse and one through what sounds like lack of effort / giving a shit enough to see her.

Condoms are free at plenty of clinics OP, give them a go. Or, you could even try taking a break from shagging and instead focus on trying to protect the daughter you left with her abusers (in your view) nearly a decade ago, rebuild a relationship with the daughter you simply stopped seeing because her mum (apparently) made it tricky and working with the authorities to clear up why your unborn daughter is deemed to be at risk from you to the extent SS have told her mum who has gone no contact.

I can't imagine focusing on shagging with even one of those things hanging over me and yet you have kept making the same mistakes.

Horses for courses I guess.

Original poster
Jasong92 · 30/08/2022 20:33

Not at all, I haven’t seen my daughter for around 5 months now and I haven’t stopped the maintenance so it’s not like that at all.

OP posts: