Told my ex to “go fuck herself”

[Jasong92]

I need some advice/guidance please?

Me and my partner recently split up, everything was going well but social services got involved, told her a load of lies about me and she believes them and left me (I’m awaiting CAB to phone and to take SS to court as they’ve lied about me to my ex so I can clear my name)

Anyway she had unblocked me again today after reblocking me many times and was ready to start talking at first but then each time it got to where she was having a go at me.

I’ve had so much pressure on me this week with that and being emotional and upset losing the women I had a marriage booked with who I love with all my heart, I was upset at her behaviour and told her to “go fuck herself” I instantly regretted it and apologised several times but it wasn’t going enough she said don’t ever contact me again or come to my house I’ll see you in hell and blocked me on everything, my behaviour was bang out of order and I apologised many times straight away, but she didn’t care and says she wants nothing more to do with me but she’s pregnant with our child, have I ruined it and is she gone forever do you think?😞😭

Thank you

Asking on here as women know what things like this mean, thank you all again!

I respect your comment however believe you may be misinterpreting what I’ve said, I said I’m going to court to clear my name and prove that I’ve always been the man I said I am not the man I’m being made out to be? Sure I am and will respect her request but I am still going to court to clear my name to prove to her I am the man she met and fell in love with.

You say she has previous DV history and SS history, most likely linked. You say that you have passed the checks your ex did on You, well guess what my ex would also pass those checks, despite beating the shit out of me over 13 years. I tried to press charges but the CPS decided that I wasn't strong enough to go through court. So he got NFA on the assault (both physical and sexual) charges.

But should SS ever find out he is in a new relationship he has they will inform the new partner of his background. And this is especially if the new partner already has a history of being a victim of DV.

And SS will automatically get involved if a previous DV victim turns up in a new relationship and pregnant. If there are no red flags in the new relationship, then this may be little more than a few meetings (as.it was in my case), but they will do background checks on the partner and this will include things that wouldn't be flagged up in even a DBS check.

Ok. We can't know whether or not the allegations are false as we are only hearing your side. But either way there is nothing to be gained for you by contacting her - it could end up with legal consequences for you if the authorities believe you are a danger to her and/or baby.

I am wary of men who go from saying emotionally abusive things to their partner to using the 'queen' type language as it is typical for abusers to love bomb their victims to confuse them and get others on side. I would refrain from talking about it like that in any conversations with SS or police if you want to be seen as taking it seriously as their only concern is whether or not you are stable and will show up. Again I don't know you from Adam so this isn't a judgment of you, but an explanation of how some of the language you used in this thread is viewed due to patterns of abusive behaviour many of us witnessed or experienced from other men.

I appreciate what you’re saying and don’t usually use that language, I say that as we got king and queen tattoos and called each other that to each other lol my queen her king if that makes sense?

I certainly don’t need to be in any legal battle or troubles, not with the career I’m in. Thank you for the advice.

I understand what you’re saying and sorry you had to go through all of that it must have been an awful time and I know as someone you don’t know it’s easy for me to sit here and say I don’t have against me what they are saying, but I know I don’t and I guess it’s down to me to prove that in court that I don’t.

id never harm either of them I do love them and our unborn child. I’m giving her the time and space she needs and just need to focus on going to court to clear my name I guess.

I appreciate what you’re saying and don’t usually use that language, I say that as we got king and queen tattoos and called each other that to each other lol my queen her king if that makes sense

"lol"? WTF? Either this is a serious issue that is so eating at you that you have to go to court to clear your name. Or it's "lol" worthy.

Which is it?

What specifics have they told her when it comes to them saying you have a 'violent' background?

You say previous SS involvement wasn't violence related, but what was it about?

It's hard to understand whether you are speaking about things that do fall under domestic violence / abuse but don't include physical assaults e.g emotional abuse, coercive control etc?

Or whether it was perhaps something like neglect / drink and drugs in the presence of your children?

Without knowing what SS were involved for previously, and what the SS have specifically told her your 'violent' past includes now, it's hard to know whether they have for some reason lied about it or whether you're simply not seeing what they are calling 'violent' as 'violent' so feel it's an unfair label?

Can you be more specific at all?

And I would recommend you stop speaking to so many people IRL about this as it's muddying the waters, confusing you and also sharing personal information with people that they can then tell anyone they know.

Choose a couple of trusted confidantes in real life, whose opinions you most value, and speak to them rather than everyone.

I would say also that while this might feel unfair, the men I know who go around telling absolutely everyone about being wronged or mislabelled as an abuser (rather than them speaking to close friends only and dealing with it through court without telling everyone) are the ones who have ended up being the most abusive.

This isn't me saying that's you, it's just me saying that it's not a good way to deal with things and makes you look worse not better.

You're being really vague about previous involvement which makes me suspicious. Violence doesn't have to be domestic

OP what did you think, or hope, 'women' as a group would tell you here?

Reread your first post and you said you were upset at her behaviour. You ask strangers to help you understand why she would be scared and drip fed the info that she has previously been a victim of DV. Whether or not you have been abusive, you have to see that you have lacked empathy for her and have thought mainly of your own feelings and fear of losing her, rather than her own valid fears and wellbeing of your child

I think your misunderstanding, I’m not going to court to clear my name of a criminal charge, I don’t have any other than a driving charge, I’m taking them to court for slander and defamation of character, to prove what they’re saying is untrue and to clear my name of what they’ve said.

I understand it’s easy for you to say that I haven’t understood her fears etc but prior
to last night and in the days after I took her home I said to her several times, I understand this is a scary and emotional time that you’re going through and understand you need to put your son first, I know I never said any of that in my initial post however it wasn’t the reason for my post and has only came into question now, I’m here I guess because I know she’s alone at home and in her own head and fear for her and the baby, and fear that she’s going to think she has to raise this baby on her own and given the circumstances where she is at this moment in time, that I know of all to well she will be 100% on her own with our baby and I don’t want that for her she always said to me her main fear is having to raise another baby on her own. I have empathised with her a lot since she left, just because I never last night doesn’t mean I havent.

That if someone was to say that to them in an emotionally heightened state of mind would they go back?

im not disagreeing with anyone’s comments good or bad as I get people are cautious here given what I hear some of you have been through and I get that but I just needed advice from a woman’s perspective who was outside looking in as I’ve had family telling me to give her time, friends telling me to give her time but don’t take it so quick if you do re-kindle and two work colleagues one telling me to leave her and she will come round and keep her stuff that’s bagged up here until she arranges to collect it and maybe she will see you aren’t who they’ve said but then the other colleague basically saying to get rid of her and dump all of her stuff on her doorstep, block her and be done with her fyi both colleagues were female, so you can understand why I’m here as I’ve got so many people telling me different things and it’s confused me so much

I know what you’re saying and I was trying to keep things as low as possible but then people are asking for more information that isn’t in the topic I’ve asked for and not saying anything is just making people think I’m hiding things (see below)

With all due respect and I understand it’s making you suspicious but everyone is a stranger on here and whilst I am asking for advice I have to be careful what I disclose, I agree it does sound suspicious however I’m just trying to edge in the side of caution, one of my children sustained an injury and all of the blame by 6 family relatives was put on me to cut a long story short, I now have evidence that proves my innocence from one of those parties saying it wasn’t me and it was in fact the mother and that my daughter is still being physically abused to this day by her mother

I wish I could answer this, I don’t know myself she won’t tell me nor will SS but when I said I had evidence to suggest it was untrue and I could prove it was she questioned why and how I’d got an SAR and said nothing more about this violent background.

SS were involved with my first born as she sustained an injury and the 6 brothers and sisters stuck together and blamed me, me being on my own from a small family having to argue against all of them and SS. I now have evidence in my possession that proves my daughter is still being physically abused and one of those parties admitting they know it wasn’t me and admitted it was her mum who caused the injury, this will also be presented to a judge and CAB when I go to court.

don’t ever contact me again or come to my house

None of them are very long words, so not sure what you don;t understand - the beneral gist is go away and don't come back.

I have asked where they got this from that I have extensive background of violence which they refused to answer, I also asked for a meeting with the SW who made this statement to my ex so we could discuss it and so she could see my evidence proving what she said was wrong, she disregarded my request and pretty much hung the phone up and said it doesn’t concern me any more as I don’t have PR over her son (which is right) or my unborn child as it’s not born yet so they would no longer be communicating with me.

I understand what she means and I’m not going to but that’s easier said than do when she is carrying my child and no that doesn’t mean I’m going to go to her house when the child is born but I do want a relationship with our child and I’ve told her this that is why I’m worried she’ll never contact me again because I want to be a father to the child, yes I’d love her back but I need to be a father first

And there we have it. You say you "now have proof", but as far a SS are concerned you injured your child. They have an obligation to inform your ex of this, her child is potentially at risk of you physically abusing him/her.
And if I were given that.information then believe me I would cut off all contact

I just needed advice from a woman’s perspective who was outside looking in

I'm a woman but we don't all have a hive mind. So, as a person (of either sex) looking in from the outside, here goes:

If someone has previously had SS involvement and the SS now say they have a violent past that should be a concern to the mother of their child, that mother is right to assume SS are being honest until proven otherwise, in order to protect their child.

This is because it seems logically more probable that someone who warranted previous SS intervention is a concern again in comparison to the probability that SS would manufacture the history of violence falsely.

That isn't a value judgement, it's a logical / probability based one. And your ex is right to err on the side of caution and assume they are telling the truth for now until it's sorted out, because otherwise she will be seen as not complying with SS and taking the word of someone she's been told is violent, over that of the authorities.

Again, whether that's fair or not is another issue. But can you see that it's the only sensible thing she can do for now?

So you haven’t tried to clear your name regarding the injury of your daughter up until now, when your new and pregnant partner has been told about it by social services - who haven’t been told the story is otherwise inaccurate.
As far as SS are concerned, and they would have told your pregnant ex this - you are a risk to the new baby. If she continues to stay with you, they may take the baby away as she is showing she is not willing to protect them. She has heeded their advice as she should.

Even without SS involvement, DV, drugs, alcohol, whatever- nobody has to stay in any relationship for any reason. “You snore, we can’t anymore. I’m sorry.” is just as valid as reason as beating someone black and blue. You don’t have any autonomy over another person’s actions.

I now have evidence that proves my innocence from one of those parties saying it wasn’t me and it was in fact the mother and that my daughter is still being physically abused to this day by her mother

Have you fought in court to be resident parent for your daughter if you believe she is being physically abused?

I would have thought that safeguarding your existing daughter, who is being physically abused, should be a priority over clearing your name on the current issue when this hasn't yet been born.