Told my ex to “go fuck herself”

[Jasong92]

I need some advice/guidance please?

Me and my partner recently split up, everything was going well but social services got involved, told her a load of lies about me and she believes them and left me (I’m awaiting CAB to phone and to take SS to court as they’ve lied about me to my ex so I can clear my name)

Anyway she had unblocked me again today after reblocking me many times and was ready to start talking at first but then each time it got to where she was having a go at me.

I’ve had so much pressure on me this week with that and being emotional and upset losing the women I had a marriage booked with who I love with all my heart, I was upset at her behaviour and told her to “go fuck herself” I instantly regretted it and apologised several times but it wasn’t going enough she said don’t ever contact me again or come to my house I’ll see you in hell and blocked me on everything, my behaviour was bang out of order and I apologised many times straight away, but she didn’t care and says she wants nothing more to do with me but she’s pregnant with our child, have I ruined it and is she gone forever do you think?😞😭

Thank you

Asking on here as women know what things like this mean, thank you all again!

I have a subject access request that proves the violent background they speak of is none existent though, and am waiting till Tuesday to get the ball hopefully roll to get into court to clear my name, my ex also said she’s done Claire’s law and Sarah’s law on me and they came back clean… because I don’t have a violent background yet she still believes what they are telling her :/

Thank you she did a Claire’s law and Sarah’s law on me which both came back clear as I don’t have this DV background but she is believing their hear say on this matter, I’m hoping Tuesday comes round quick so I can get a call from CAB to take action against SS and I’m going to court to clear my name as a first step to proving to her it’s lies.

I just hope she sees I was in a heightened emotional state and didn’t really mean what I said

You clearly believe every word the OP has said and are castigating the rest of us as nosey bustards for wanting to know more before advising. The OP didn’t mention that his GF was pregnant until the end of the post - getting his version of events firmly embedded in readers’ minds first. And he didn’t elaborate on the ‘lies’ told to his GF. He also hasn’t been back to clarify. Alarm bells ringing yet ?

It suggests that SS have information that he is a threat to mother and baby and SS are carrying out a core assessment. Part of which is to contact the GF and make her aware of the risk and the possibility of having to give up her child if she stays with him. Whatever they have told her is enough for her to end the relationship, and yet you are focused on HIS need for support and advice for the problem, when it’s pretty obvious to most of the posters here that he IS the problem.

You might want to read through your words before you post, because your own post is the most ‘toxic’ thing on here.

I'd believe them if you were verbally abusive to me when I questioned you, too.

Just because you've never faced a criminal investigation for violence doesn't mean violence against you hadn't been reported to SS.

If neither of you have children but have both had SS involvement that's pretty concerning.

We both have had involvement with SS and we’re open and honest about it from the past and their is no drink/drug issues on either side

If you genuinely love and care about her then respect her wishes.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

The whole time we were together I never swore at her, raised a hand to her or abused her in any way, it’s only this one time whilst emotional and upset I spoke out of character, I regretted it instantly and apologised a thousand times, as she did when she told me the baby wasn’t mine she apologised in the days following as she was just hurting at the time she said it so why is it acceptable for her to say that and apologise for something she said when upset but it’s not for me to if that makes sense?

I am, but surely you must know that fear of the unknown and fear of that one you love not coming back because of something stupid
you said, we had our wedding booked and everything so it wasn’t just a silly fling. Thank you

This relationship is toxic. Focus on being good parents.

Yes. Although don't focus on your words so much, they are very unlikely to be the core issue

And don't assume/hope/expect she'll 'come to you'. Let it go

I have been back to clarify their are just a lot of people saying things to me at the moment, I’m sorry. Firstly I wasn’t trying to embed anything into anyones minds I was just typing things as I remembered them, I was upset in writing the thread last night so things may have seemed a little all over, she did a Claire’s law and Sarah’s law check on me and both came back clear so I don’t know where SS are getting this violent background from, I have asked them about this and they simply can’t answer the question as to where they have got that information from and have said well I’ll have to do some more looking into it and basically said bye and put the phone down.

im not trying to influence anyone here to believe anything just putting things across as they enter my mind it’s been a rollercoaster week so I’m a little all over

That possibility is something you have to be prepared to accept. I doubt it is just this verbally abusive incident that will cause a permanent break up.

Thank you I appreciate the advice :)

Thank you and I think that’s what’s scared me, that it may permanently end it, but I’d hope not.

thank you again

Taking your account at face value, the mother of your children is a liar, who misuses services to gain and keep control of you via your children.
That is not someone you should be wanting to resume a relationship with.
I would suggest you focus solely on your relationship with your children, using the services you are already engaged with to facilitate and mediate for you, as this should be your priority.
Everytime you engage with her the situation becomes more complex, both emotionally and in terms of the evidence in the messages, so you are not helping yourself at all.

Because the HV asked if we’d had any SS involvement in the past and we were both honest and said yes and explained why to them, they then got in touch to do an assessment and it went from them saying once they assessment is done she can move back in with me to he’s a bad violent person etc etc.

for added info, I have another daughter and I never had any of this, their was a brief assessment from SS and I never heard anything more from them so from that to this is a crazy extreme, they didn’t say any of this last time so why now.

You keep going on about 'it' as if the only obstacle is what you said. It clearly isn't and you need to accept that your ex has made her wishes clear now, whatever her past actions. Act like a grown up and take her at her word. As previous posters have said this doesn't sound a healthy relationship at all.

Thank you, I am and was ready to move on and focus on myself and was set on doing that then she unblocked me and that made me think their was hope when she spoke to me, I think you’re right I think I just need to work on myself really, as sad as it is and as much as I do love her.

for added info, I have another daughter

You said neither of you have other children

Oh no I agree their are other things but they can be proven to be false but my main concern is what I said as I feel bad about it, and her reaction shows I truly hurt her by saying that and I’m feeling really bad for it thinking I’ve pushed the woman I was going to marry away.

I did, I meant not together I thought that’s what was being asked, apologies I have two other daughters

Social services have invented a background of violence that is entirely at odds with everything you’ve ever said or done?

I don’t believe you.

That last nasty exchange isn’t the reason she isn’t coming back.

I respect your decision, that is your entitlement to reach that decision however I am only going on what my ex has told me they have told her and briefly what the SS told me on the phone, I have a copy of my subject access request from the police that my ex has seen and she rightly stated that she submitted a Claire’s and Sarah’s law on me and my record was none existent yet is believing that they are saying I do in fact have one without any evidence to back up what they are saying where as I have evidence to back up that it’s not tru

OP, if you’d given this info at the start perhaps you wouldn’t have been ‘jumped on’ as you put it. To receive meaningful advice you need to provide context, not keep drip feeding information. But contributors to these forums include women who’ve either been victims of abuse themselves or witnessed it happening to friends/family, so of course you’re going to be viewed with suspicion.

I can only reiterate what others have said - whatever SS have told your GF, it’s enough for her to have ended things, so for now your best option is to leave her alone unless and until you can prove that that information was wrong. Losing your temper and shouting abuse at her has only served to reinforce what she’s been told, and if she’s been the victim of past abuse - well, it’s not ideal is it ? If you’re genuinely innocent of whatever it is she’s been told, I can understand your frustration but it’s blinding you to her needs, and that’s what you need to address.

You can apologise until you’re blue for what you said, but no amount of apology is going to unsay those words or reverse the effect they’ve had on her, and if you keep hounding her you’ll just make things worse and compound the damage done by what she’s been told - possibly to the point where she reports you for harassment. Leave her alone and focus on clearing your name for now. You’ve both clearly brought a lot of baggage to the relationship and you sound very immature. You’re both in danger of creating a toxic environment for the baby if you eventually manage to stay together, and that will be just one of the concerns SS have, so it should be top of your list of priorities.