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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being annoyed at DH for not leaving with me last night?

171 replies

Heatherbell1978 · 28/08/2022 11:21

Night out last night with a big group; we're all parents so this rarely happens! I was done by midnight so said to my (drunk) DH that I was ready to go. Gathering started late afternoon and people were generally starting to disperse anyway. DH kind of grunted and said right see you later.
This isn't unusual for him, he has complete FOMO and generally won't leave a party until he's kicked out.
So then 2 hours it took me to get home. Night buses didn't stop as they were full, no taxis, Uber rates extortionate and I ended up walking most of the way (I'm 7 miles away from a city) before getting a bus to take me to a nearby town...and then walking from there.
DH arrived home about 20 minutes later having got a taxi - there were black cabs by that point.

He hasn't even registered that I walked alone in the dark for hours last night. Am I right to be annoyed or should I just shrug it off?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 28/08/2022 11:26

You chose to leave when you did. I’m not sure it’s his fault or responsibility that it took you ages to get home. I’d have got the over priced uber

superram · 28/08/2022 11:27

I wouldn’t have left I less I could get a cab-I wouldn’t get a night bus alone, or walk 7 miles. I’d have had a discussion about how much longer WE were going to stay. He was dismissive because he was drunk and wanted to stay but I’d have told my husband I was struggling to get a cab. You weren’t in the wrong for leaving but he wasn’t for wanting to stay. However, I’m not sure he fully understood the fact you were going uphill and down dale to get home-if he did he needs to apologise for letting you go alone.

FfeminyddCymraeg · 28/08/2022 11:29

I don’t think you can be annoyed with him - you’re a grown woman who chose to leave the party when you had enough.

Why didn’t you go back and join him when it became abundantly clear you weren’t likely to get transport home?

Mangocrazy1 · 28/08/2022 11:32

Yabu…if he was having a good night and they don’t happen that often then i don’t blame him for wanting to stay out. If you know he has form for this then you could have pre booked a taxi etc.

SpringSparrow · 28/08/2022 11:33

I would have planned how I was getting home in advance. I live fairly rurally, hardly any buses and scarce trains that stop early. So I would have left in time to catch the last train or arranged that one of us was driving. No Ubers hers either and taxis have to be booked says in advance. I wouldn’t have walked seven miles at midnight.

GhandiSmith · 28/08/2022 11:33

Hmmmm, does this happen often, I.e. u are somewhere having a nice time and you want to leave before he does?

This used to happen a lot with me and I built up a bit of resentment that I would always have to cut my enjoyment short the minute my wife decided she wanted to go home. So perhaps there is some of that at play?

It sounds like you would have both been better off if this had happened:

  • instead of declaring suddenly that you wanted to go, maybe say something like ' I'm getting tired, shall we agree on how longer to stay and how we will get home?
mountainsunsets · 28/08/2022 11:34

It's not his fault you chose to leave alone. You should have arranged a lift or stayed with your DH.

dudsville · 28/08/2022 11:34

I understand your wanting to leave and his wanting to stay, but I do think it was unkind of him OP. I remember leaving a venue once a long time ago. I was single and out with friends and someone I didn't even actually know very well clocked that I was planning to talk home having had some alcohol, and he stayed with me until I got a cab. I always remember his kindness, looking after me when I wasn't in a state to do so myself. I know the situation you're describing is different to mine, it was your partner who was drunk and not you, but I would also have been dissapointed in your partner's choice.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2022 11:35

You're like my husband. He's already planning what time to leave before we've even got there.

I'm not ready to leave when he is, so I stay.

Nothing wrong with that.

Your journey home is a separate issue and frankly I'd have got the taxi.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/08/2022 11:37

In a way I think you’d have been more sensible to stay, as you could have waited til the point when cabs became available.

Its generally not a good idea to just wander off not knowing how you’ll get back.

I have a tendency to suddenly have had enough of a party. But I don’t think I’m in the right when I do that.

ChicCroissant · 28/08/2022 11:41

Is this a reverse? OP, you chose the way you'd get home but you are annoyed at him about it?

Even if it is a reverse, whoever left obviously thinks that only they know the right time to leave an event and were so determined to get home and not to return - even when that was the obvious thing to do - that they made their own life a lot harder (and if they really are annoyed today about it then they are making themselves look a prat all over again).

zingally · 28/08/2022 11:43

No way would I have walked 7 miles home, at night, alone! Remember Sarah Everard? I'd have either paid the uber, or gone back to the party.

DillAte · 28/08/2022 11:49

You couldn't get a bus or a taxi and decided to walk rather than go back and wait a bit?
Why would he worry about you walking home when you clearly weren't?
It comes across as a bit passive aggressive.

Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 11:50

@Heatherbell1978 tbf OP you put yourself in a Very dangerous position walking all that way home out of what I assume was stubbornness in not wanting to go back to the party after your partner didn't want to leave. Remember Sarah everad and all those other poor women who have been tortured and killed from walking home in the dark? How could you think that was a responsible thing to do? It's absolutely not safe to do that and I think you were wrong for putting yourself and your family at risk in doing so. If I was your partner or if I had a partner who did this (yes even male walking at that time that far) I'd be absolutely furious!!!
I totally get you might feel put out that he wouldn't leave with you, I'd feel the same. But what you did after was wrong. You should've just gone back to the party.

MermaidEyes · 28/08/2022 11:51

You can't just say to someone, I'm done, I'm ready to go home, and expect them to feel the same. Either you should have agreed on a time to stay to you were both happy with, or got the uber.

Sirzy · 28/08/2022 11:51

So you had no safe plan to get home. He did. Yet you left rather than waiting with him and it’s his fault?

Badtasteflump · 28/08/2022 11:53

Well I think you're crazy for walking seven miles at night on your own, but you're an adult so your choice. I'm just picturing you walking along, getting increasingly angry with DH for not leaving with you, thinking 'this will show him, he's going to feel so guilty/bad when he finds out I've had to walk home'..... or something. Am I completely wrong?

GoAround · 28/08/2022 11:54

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with one partner wanting to stay out if it’s rare night out. Also in this instance it sounds like the decision to stay later was the better and safer one. When you realised there weren’t any taxis/buses and weren’t willing to pay Uber, why didn’t you just go back to the party to try again later? I actually think you sound pretty reckless with regard to your own safety.

Cas112 · 28/08/2022 11:57

You chose to leave, he should be allowed to carry his night on as he pleases.

You should have got a cab if you didn't want to walk

LadyKenya · 28/08/2022 11:58

Yanbu for wanting to leave when you did. Yabu for putting yourself in danger by walking home in the dark, when you could not get a cab.

lap90 · 28/08/2022 11:58

If you're rarely out, it's understandable one would want to make the most of it!

I do agree with some others - if you were struggling with transport home the easiest thing would have been to have just gone back to gathering or taken the overpriced uber - as you said, you're rarely out.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/08/2022 11:59

I don't get what he's done wrong?

If I've understood correctly, you wanted to go.

So you did.

Then he didn't know you walked home? Or did he?

I think if you went back in and said 'dh there's no taxis, I'll have to walk' then a discussion could have been had about what to do - but it doesn't sound like you did?

Puffalicious · 28/08/2022 12:02

I'm going to disagree with the majority and say YANBU. You'd all been out since late afternoon and it was midnight- that's a long time, especially if it was starting to break up anyway. (I was at a similar event last weekend- met at 3pm and by 11/12 ish we'd had a brilliant time, were all done and heading home). DH and I would always go home together, but if one of you regularly wants to leave earlier/ stay later you need to have a chat about the plan before you go out.

I can see how you'd feel abandoned, especially as you were getting home by yourself. DH would never do this, or indeed any of my friends: we always make sure folk get into a cab/ on a bus/ train helped by someone, who can then return to the party. Surely that's just being a good friend/ partner?

The nightmare you had getting home- walking on your own is not good at all- is a different issue. I think I'd have gone back if transport wasn't easy and negotiated a time to leave to suit you both. Annoyingly, the taxi fare DH paid should have covered both of you.

You're right to be annoyed that he didn't come with you or ensured someone else came with you to make sure you got that taxi/ bus.

SunnyD44 · 28/08/2022 12:06

YABU it’s not his fault you chose to walk.

Why didn’t you wait until a taxi was available?

You could have got a soft drink or some food if you didn’t want to drink any more.

I can’t see how you can blame him.

It sounds like you’re just annoyed that he got a taxi home whilst you walked so you’re trying to make him feel guilty and imply he put you in danger which is BS.

Original poster
Heatherbell1978 · 28/08/2022 12:06

Thanks for all your responses. Someone asked if this was a reverse? I don't know what that is tbhConfused I'll be honest I'm more annoyed at his barely registering I was leaving and then shrugging his shoulders this morning when I said I practically walked home. No messages last night asking if I got home ok etc. Just seems oblivious.

Yes I appreciate I shouldn't have walked. I've always been a 'walker' and hate hanging around waiting for transport when I can start making tracks. Sometimes that means I walk more than I planned to. The city I live near is heaving right now - festival - so it's very hard to plan as there are tourists everywhere.

OP posts: