Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being annoyed at DH for not leaving with me last night?

171 replies

Heatherbell1978 · 28/08/2022 11:21

Night out last night with a big group; we're all parents so this rarely happens! I was done by midnight so said to my (drunk) DH that I was ready to go. Gathering started late afternoon and people were generally starting to disperse anyway. DH kind of grunted and said right see you later.
This isn't unusual for him, he has complete FOMO and generally won't leave a party until he's kicked out.
So then 2 hours it took me to get home. Night buses didn't stop as they were full, no taxis, Uber rates extortionate and I ended up walking most of the way (I'm 7 miles away from a city) before getting a bus to take me to a nearby town...and then walking from there.
DH arrived home about 20 minutes later having got a taxi - there were black cabs by that point.

He hasn't even registered that I walked alone in the dark for hours last night. Am I right to be annoyed or should I just shrug it off?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 28/08/2022 12:06

If I go to a party with my DP, I expect to come home with him (unless agreed in advance). Of course there are nuaunces to the situation but the OP said they'd been there for many hours.

Provided she didn't demand he left the party / cause a scene I think giving him a bit of notice she was ready to go at Midnight was fair enough. On the rare occasion I wanted to leave somewhere way before my DP, he'd at least make sure I was in a cab and got home okay.

Sounds like he has form for being an arsehole @Heatherbell1978

YouAreNotBatman · 28/08/2022 12:06

Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 11:50

@Heatherbell1978 tbf OP you put yourself in a Very dangerous position walking all that way home out of what I assume was stubbornness in not wanting to go back to the party after your partner didn't want to leave. Remember Sarah everad and all those other poor women who have been tortured and killed from walking home in the dark? How could you think that was a responsible thing to do? It's absolutely not safe to do that and I think you were wrong for putting yourself and your family at risk in doing so. If I was your partner or if I had a partner who did this (yes even male walking at that time that far) I'd be absolutely furious!!!
I totally get you might feel put out that he wouldn't leave with you, I'd feel the same. But what you did after was wrong. You should've just gone back to the party.

I never believed when someone said MN has some overreactions, but now I do.

PollyDarton1 · 28/08/2022 12:08

Two distinctly separate issues I see here.

YABU to expect DH to leave when you did. Unless there is a mutual agreement to leave at the same time, you can't expect your DH to want to leave when you do if it's a rare night out (not sure if that's the case but would be for most parents). I'd have no issue leaving before/after my DH.

The other issue is yours to own too - You chose to take the difficult route home rather than an expensive Uber meaning you put yourself at risk. I would have messaged my DH at the point at which I knew I couldn't get home easily and at that juncture I would probably expect a DH to agree to leave to ensure we both got home safely. There is no way I would be walking alone in the dark at that time at night/location.

It feels a bit martyrdom to be annoyed at DH if he didn't know you had such a difficult/dangerous journey home.

PollyDarton1 · 28/08/2022 12:09

That said though, I would be upset if DH wasn't concerned that I got home okay - and the likelihood is if I was going to leave on my own before them they would probably make sure we both got home safe.

Bit of a moot point as I'm single but still!

sheepdogdelight · 28/08/2022 12:12

I don't think DH has to leave at the same time as you - you are both adults and can make your own choices.

Your journey home was odd - I can't imagine leaving a party unless I was sure I would get a bus or had a taxi waiting. So I think your decisions there were strange. DH leaving with you would not have changed the availibility of buses or taxis?

Puffalicious · 28/08/2022 12:17

I agree that the worst thing is he didn't make sure you were getting home OK or message to see if you had.

I take it it's Edinburgh OP? It will have been heaving, right enough. If DH was planning to see a late, fringe comedy thing/ go to the various late pubs with entertainment I see his point in staying as the atmosphere is fabulous, but he should have made sure you were safe first.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 28/08/2022 12:41

I’m totally distracted from the OP by the wild victim-blaming in some of these replies.

“Remember Sarah everad and all those other poor women who have been tortured and killed from walking home in the dark? How could you think that was a responsible thing to do? It's absolutely not safe to do that and I think you were wrong for putting yourself and your family at risk in doing so” << This is some of the purest victim-blaming BS I’ve ever heard in my long life

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 28/08/2022 12:46

(Apologies for repetition/poor editing above. Too annoyed to proofread properly)

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/08/2022 12:52

Sounds like you're near Edinburgh. YABU to not plan ahead during the fringe. You should have had a conversation at some point in the night and given him an idea of when you wanted to set off and negotiated from there.

YANBU to be disappointed he didn't seem bothered you got home safely.

mountainsunsets · 28/08/2022 12:56

I'll be honest I'm more annoyed at his barely registering I was leaving and then shrugging his shoulders this morning when I said I practically walked home. No messages last night asking if I got home ok etc. Just seems oblivious.

But that was all your choice. You chose to leave. When you realised there was no transport, you should have rung him or gone back to the party - I don't understand why you didn't do either of those things?

Mumspair1 · 28/08/2022 13:00

Crunchymum · 28/08/2022 12:06

If I go to a party with my DP, I expect to come home with him (unless agreed in advance). Of course there are nuaunces to the situation but the OP said they'd been there for many hours.

Provided she didn't demand he left the party / cause a scene I think giving him a bit of notice she was ready to go at Midnight was fair enough. On the rare occasion I wanted to leave somewhere way before my DP, he'd at least make sure I was in a cab and got home okay.

Sounds like he has form for being an arsehole @Heatherbell1978

Same. Isn't it just basic caring and courtesy to your partner? My dh would NEVER just let me find my own way home at midnight. I'm with you op, he was an utter shit for doing that.

AlexandriasWindmill · 28/08/2022 13:04

YABU. You decided to walk home miles in the dark rather than book a taxi or Uber. If you like walking then that's your choice but you can't blame your DH for you making it.
You've obviously got into the habit of leaving places at different times. If you've now decided you'd prefer you both left together, then you need to discuss that preferably now and not at the next night out.

BeautifulDragon · 28/08/2022 13:19

If it was a choice between walking at night for two hours or waiting at the party and getting a taxi later, then I would have waved you off too!

I think you ploughed on with your journey in the hope that your DH would feel guilty about not leaving when you did.

My DH and I are also incompatible at parties (he's a stay to the bitter end person and I am not!) so I do get it, but still think YABU. Leaving with no safe way home was your choice.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 28/08/2022 13:20

You chose to leave. You chose to walk home alone. Neither of them things are his fault.

If you want to have a go at him for wanting not taking your opinion on heading home together earlier than he wished or for having no consideration of your feelings, fine but if you make it about your safety or your decisions, you'll lose the argument. He is not responsible for your choices.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 28/08/2022 13:22

Also what did you gain by leaving. It 20 minutes, sounds like he made a better choice.

SunnyD44 · 28/08/2022 13:22

Same. Isn't it just basic caring and courtesy to your partner? My dh would NEVER just let me find my own way home at midnight. I'm with you op, he was an utter shit for doing that.

Unless you are a child or joined at the hip there’s absolutely no reason to leave at the same time as your partner.

What if you’d not been out for ages and your DH wanted to leave after 20mins?
You’d leave too?

I think that’s ridiculous.

Sunflowergin · 28/08/2022 13:29

When there was no transport you should of just gone back to find your dh

he was drunk & if he has form for leaving you nights out what did you expect…

i think yabu to be upset with him but next time agree you leave together if that’s important to you

mountainsunsets · 28/08/2022 13:31

Mumspair1 · 28/08/2022 13:00

Same. Isn't it just basic caring and courtesy to your partner? My dh would NEVER just let me find my own way home at midnight. I'm with you op, he was an utter shit for doing that.

Show quote history

Of course he wasn't an "utter shit".

They're not joined at the hip. Why should he have to leave just because she's decided she's had enough? If it was the other way round, people would be screaming about how controlling he was!

ZenNudist · 28/08/2022 13:35

Midnight is quite early. In my circle husbands and wives don't stick together. Usually we split up so if one goes home early it's more typical than unusual.

Nothing wrong with wanting to go home so early but you should have got a cab and can't complain about silly choices about walking which are not your dh fault.

FriendOfDorothyGale · 28/08/2022 13:40

It's almost like you walked home alone at midnight, so you could punish him with it today.

Sooveritallnow · 28/08/2022 13:41

If your husband had left at same time you did you both would have walked home, as the ubers would still have been really expensive and the buses would have been full, as you chose peak time to leave.
You can't dictate someone's timetable. You were ready to go, he wasn't, he's not your little puppy to drag around and bend to your will.
Once you realised travel home would have been difficult you shoukd have stayed and waited until taxis were available. As it happens you both gor home around same time but he had a nice night and easy travel and you had a strop and a horrible journey home.
You only have yourself to blame for how your night ended.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/08/2022 13:51

If your husband had left at same time you did you both would have walked home, as the ubers would still have been really expensive and the buses would have been full, as you chose peak time to leave.

Exactly. You’re just pissed off that he got lucky and got a cab when you didn’t, so you’re making it his fault for not leaving with you, when that actually wouldn’t have achieved anything.

Marvellousmadness · 28/08/2022 14:03

He doesn't owe it to you to leave when you want to go
Plus he has form for it so it didn't come as news to you
But the fact that you had to walk and then bus and then walk again
? That's just silly and reckless

Stop doing that

Next time BEFORE you go out with him you tell him that you will either both leave together at a specific time. OR that you will take a very expensive taxi home!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stick up for yourself

SunnyD44 · 28/08/2022 14:05

It's almost like you walked home alone at midnight, so you could punish him with it today.

It does seem that way.

Most people would have waited a bit longer to get a taxi.

Or chosen to walk home but not moaned or blamed someone else for their choice.

Siepie · 28/08/2022 14:15

If your husband had left at same time you did you both would have walked home, as the ubers would still have been really expensive and the buses would have been full, as you chose peak time to leave.

This. You'd have still done the 7 mile walk, just with him.

If you'd instead waited with him and got a taxi together, you'd have only got home 20 minutes later than you did, and without the long walk. It was your choice not to do that.