For being annoyed at DH for not leaving with me last night?

[Heatherbell1978]

Night out last night with a big group; we're all parents so this rarely happens! I was done by midnight so said to my (drunk) DH that I was ready to go. Gathering started late afternoon and people were generally starting to disperse anyway. DH kind of grunted and said right see you later.
This isn't unusual for him, he has complete FOMO and generally won't leave a party until he's kicked out.
So then 2 hours it took me to get home. Night buses didn't stop as they were full, no taxis, Uber rates extortionate and I ended up walking most of the way (I'm 7 miles away from a city) before getting a bus to take me to a nearby town...and then walking from there.
DH arrived home about 20 minutes later having got a taxi - there were black cabs by that point.

He hasn't even registered that I walked alone in the dark for hours last night. Am I right to be annoyed or should I just shrug it off?

You aren't nuts OP, maybe just not as capable as you should be of looking after yourself in certain situations, I guess?
If the roles were reversed, you and others, quite rightly, would probably be annoyed at DH being controlling and thinking you should leave because he'd had enough.
You wanted to go home, he didn't. Okay, you didn't plan how to get home so you decided against staying at the party or getting an Uber (the 'safer' options), and instead chose a long journey home, including long walks in the dark. You are an adult, if I told DH I'd walked most of the way home and taken 2 hours instead of getting an Uber, I imagine he would ask why I made such a silly choice if I wasn't happy to do it.

Most people would have gone back after realising they couldn’t easily get home. You were that tired but chose to walk all that way?
Are you usually such a martyr?

OP is absolutely able to look after herself, what makes you say she isnt?

This is the sort of disempowerment that undermines women.

She didnt want to stay at a party, felt the uber cabs were too expensive, walked home. Whats the issue?

This is why I drive everywhere at night. I am at an advantage as I don't drink

I asked DH what he would do in this scenario and he said he would be a bit annoyed at leaving early but he would have said fine and asked for another half hour and then gone home together.

DH can be quite selfish at times but even he wouldn’t have just left me to make my own way home so late.

Totally agree but my post was a response to someone saying 'their husband wouldnt let them' walk home

As if she need saving from herself or something.

This is the sort of disempowerment that undermines women.

Oh please.

My lived experiences tell me I’m not safe walking home alone. I’d love to say otherwise.

And another YABU here. Also, if it’s Reading you’re taking about I got 2 taxis last night without bother.

Gosh, why can’t you get a taxi on your own or get yourself home alone, is there some form of back story? Do you never go out with friends, are you always with your husband?

You've taken what I said utterly out of context

If you dont feel safe walking home thats up to you, you dont have to. That is owning your choice and having agency over it.

The disempowerment is when someone else makes that decision for a woman, or when women themselves expect that someone is going to make the decision about whats safe for them.

In this case we have OP making a choice for herself, which works for her, she wanted to leave the party and enjoys walking, no hardship at all but even if it was, it was her choice

Now she seems to be expecting her OH to feel bad about the choice she made.

Other posters are implying that its the mans responsibility to ensure their partner's safety or to make decisions for them, or not 'let' them make decisions which they think they shouldnt. That is disempowerment, that is externalising of responsibility.

Looks like you are finding a reason to be upset or angry at him. You are a grown ass woman and you decided to walk in the middle f the night rather than book travel. Why couldnt you just wait and travel back home with him? And i you did want to walk home, what did you expect him to do?

@bellac11

Is he responsible for you, cant you make decisions for yourself, are you a child?

Dont you know how to find your way home?

What a needlessly goady and aggressive post. Are you deliberately obtuse or do you not understand women are more vulnerable than men on the streets? Do you think Sarah Everard couldn’t make decisions for herself or find her way home? Was she a child?

That poster probably meant that her DH would have just got up with her and gone home, not that he would have physically restrained her from going home alone.

I said I wanted to walk home, I knew a short cut

Sabina Nessa was murdered whilst taking a short cut.

Stop minimising the fear many women feel on the road. If you’re not scared then bully for you, but it doesn’t mean women have nothing to be scared of on the streets.

What a stupid thing to do op.

Another one taking what Ive said out of context, typically making things up that posters have not said

I havent questioned whether someone should or shouldnt feel safe, nor would I

The pre text here is that women need men to tell them what is safe for them and always need to accompany women in order to keep them safe. This is nonsense and is what my example was about. Not whether I was safe, but the fact that OH decided for me whether I was safe.

Someone else already pointed out the facts that the biggest risk is having a male partner.

You’re missing the point.

We are disempowered, like it or not. We are not safe walking home.

OP made that decision and it was a daft one.

I posted too soon. Actually men make up the biggest number of victims out in the community, not women. Women are more at risk in domestic situations than men.

So its absolutely not the case that women are more at risk walking home than a man would be

I dont agree.

On either point. Women do huge discredit to themselves with the mentality shown by OP and disempower themselves.

You interpreted ‘let me find my own way’ in a sinister way, just so you could post a goady response.

Cool, I’ll remember that next time I’m assaulted 👌

I don’t think it is right that your DH let you go home alone. I think this is a relationship issue more than anything else. My DH wouldn’t let me leave a party alone. Aside from the safety aspect 2 separate cabs home is a ridiculous expense. He would have checked I got home ok if I for some reason did leave before him.

We tend to compromise(but then it’s not always the same person who wants to stay/leave). So for example, I say ‘I’m ready to go’ he acknowledges but says what about another half an hour - I say ok but am firm about leaving after that.

He sounds a bit thoughtless. I think that he purposefully didn’t check on you/ seem bothered about your journey home. But you do have to admit walking 7 miles home wasn’t the best call? You should have gone back to the party and waited for him (I would have tried to reason and say I’m tired can we please go now etc). Or got the expensive cab. I do think walking 7 miles then expecting sympathy is a bit passive aggressive (sorry). Plus that doesn’t get you home early.

Agree a joint leave time next time. But also I wouldn’t be happy that he refused to compromise and just let you go so I would also be questioning the relationship.

The statistics and real life say the opposite.

So many on MN seem to want to convince women they’re safe regardless of the truth, whether late at night on the streets or in woman's spaces like changing rooms and toilets.

Afraid so. Maybe they want to believe it themselves.

So many on MN literally want to make up lies about what posters say

Now why would you do that unless you are being goady yourself?

My DH would not have left me to make my own way home like that, if we wanted to leave at different times, he would have at least seen me into a taxi.

But by the same token, I would not have set out walking for seven miles because I don’t want to pay Uber or because there is a group of lads at a bus stop, I would imagine I would be safer near them than walking on my own. I don’t have such disregard for my own safety or place such a low price on it. I think being angry at DH for not bothering about your safety when you aren’t bothering yourself is a bit rich. So yes it does seem like you walked home alone to make some kind of a weird point.

What happens if you don't go out with your DH? Surely single women go out and are able to ensure their own safety getting home?