For being annoyed at DH for not leaving with me last night?

[Heatherbell1978]

Night out last night with a big group; we're all parents so this rarely happens! I was done by midnight so said to my (drunk) DH that I was ready to go. Gathering started late afternoon and people were generally starting to disperse anyway. DH kind of grunted and said right see you later.
This isn't unusual for him, he has complete FOMO and generally won't leave a party until he's kicked out.
So then 2 hours it took me to get home. Night buses didn't stop as they were full, no taxis, Uber rates extortionate and I ended up walking most of the way (I'm 7 miles away from a city) before getting a bus to take me to a nearby town...and then walking from there.
DH arrived home about 20 minutes later having got a taxi - there were black cabs by that point.

He hasn't even registered that I walked alone in the dark for hours last night. Am I right to be annoyed or should I just shrug it off?

Ps totally understand you preferring to walk. But it’s not safe.

Google Zara Aleena…

You wanted to go home and didnt want to wait, he wanted to stay. Neither of you were wrong.

You are an adult, capable of making your own decisions about your journey home, and decided to take ridiculous risks for unfathomable reasons other than to perhaps to play the victim next morning. No wonder he shrugged his shoulders, if that was dh I would have told him it was his choice to leave and walk and shrugged my shoulders too!

If he likes late ones, and you dont, make better plans in advance next time for your journey home.

You sound totally fucking nuts to be perfectly honest. Demanding to leave, then when you do leave giving it the martyr bollocks to get home.

I'm not surprised he wanted to stay longer!

Again thank for your responses - a bit taken aback to be told 'I'm totally fucking nuts' and 'I can't stand people like you'. I haven't been on MN for a while, used it a lot while DC were babies for advice etc. Its definitely got a bit more cruel since I was last here

Clam down.

If you had any grasp of the statistics on rape and murder you’d know by far the most dangerous thing this, or any other woman, does is have a male domestic partner.

i can’t imagine how limited your life must be having bought into this fear-mongering.

I find it very strange that you left at different times and seem to have done that before.

If I'm out with anyone (DH or a friend) we agree between us when we're going to leave - together. If one wants to go and the other doesn't, we'll compromise on staying for another half hour or something like that.

Isn't that what most people do? Particularly if there's some travelling involved.

You left with no solid plan of how you were actually getting home. If your DH had left 10 minutes after you did then you found him home before you, that would be different but you made your choice and he made his. Next time pre-book a taxi and leave him if he wants to stay.

OP, YANBI, but you know this. It's MN on a bank holiday - people will literally take issue with a blank wall.

Of course a normal husband wouldn't have his wife walking miles in the night (!) - under any circumstances.

Its possible he may have been very drunk and thought you were just going to get in a cab. But, this morning, on hearing what actually happened, he should have been mortified. You would think!

Having said this, there's no way I'd be walking miles in the night - why didn't you just stay put until there were cabs? All this wandering about seems quite extreme. Was the party that bad?

But yes, your DH is odd and most husbands would have either left with you or ensured you got into a taxi.

I don't think you're nuts.

I do think you and your DH probably need to plan things a bit better. TBH I'd be annoyed if my DH paid such little attention to how I was going to get home safely.

I probably would have grumpily stuck it out for a bit if he was having fun and made the epic journey together.

I think this one is on you OP. As you said, you rarely get a night out like this and he's got mad FOMO, I think if you accept that he's never going to willingly leave a party to go home with you before the end you'll have an easier time.

You decided to leave, and now you're mad with him and expecting, I'm not sure what from him this morning. You're on two different social schedules, and you need to accept that and plan round it in future, and not take offence. It's not personal, you're just different. Neither of you are wrong.

To add, I do feel why you're upset, it does show of a lack of care, and a lack of connection between you for this to happen, but in terms of the fact that it's not out of character, I'd say you're being unreasonable to expect anything different from this person when this is his form. XH would stand there til they were sweeping the floor, lights on, someone handing him his coat, and he would still bet there, smiling with drink in hand. It was excrutiatingly embarassing. DP now, all I have to do is catch his eye and he's raised his eyebrows, found my coat and called an Uber 😂 so I do understand the former!

Of course a normal husband wouldn't have his wife walking miles in the night (!) - under any circumstances

But he didn’t even know! He’s not psychic. The OP is being completely unreasonable. When there were no taxis/buses she should have gone back and waited with her husband. Why should he have to cut his night short because she wants to leave? She’s a big girl, capable of figuring out how to keep herself safe. She can’t blame him for not knowing she was going to walk home for miles. And I don’t blame him for shrugging his shoulder at you either OP. You chose to leave, you could have waited. Don’t make stupid decisions next time and then moan about it like it’s someone else fault.

I am like the OP - if I am on a night out, I often get to a point where the homing instinct kicks in and nothing will stop me. I’ve done similar myself trotting along in my high heels because just want to be moving home. DH is more of a “bitter end” person and can be a bit away with the fairies after a few drinks so wouldn’t think rationally about what other people were doing.

it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other here. Ideally you should have talked sensibly together about when you were going to leave and how you would get home (Edinburgh during the Fringe, hardly a surprise that it was going to be a nightmare!). You’re to blame for leaving on your own without a plan, your DH could have engaged more in how you were getting home and having a joint plan.

Chalk it up to experience and that no-one is at their best when drinking for hours.

@denvi but he didn't know. As far as he was concerned OP was in a taxi or night bus.

Op could easily have gone back inside to let him know and wait wait transport. She wasn't stranded. But she chose to walk alone and then is trying to blame him and martyr herself. I'd probably be pretty annoyed if my partner walked home alone and then blamed me for it

Oh op. This isn’t good. I feel bad for you. You’re a grown up not a child. You chose to leave, as an adult and you chose to undertake the journey you did. He is not your parent. He doesn’t need to come with you based on your wants. You don’t trump him.

time to grow up. It really is

Its possible he may have been very drunk and thought you were just going to get in a cab. But, this morning, on hearing what actually happened, he should have been mortified. You would think!

well no, only you and the op would think this. If my husband chose to leave knowing he couldn’t get a cab and refused to wait the hour or whatever and undertake a two hour journey I’d be mortified I was married to him and that he’d do something so idiotic.

Its definitely got a bit more cruel since I was last here

says the woman who left her drunk husband behind at a rare party, left knowing she couldn’t get a taxi, refused to pay for an Uber, took two hours to get home then tried to blame her husband to milljons of people on mumsnet for her behaviour.

aye. , we are the cruel ones.🤣

You leave, cant get a safe way home so what to do? Walk for hours in the dark alone, for miles, or go back to the place where your husband and friends are and have water/soft drinks/something to eat while you wait for taxis to become available.

You made an idiotic decision. Be mad at yourself.

Yes completely unreasonable.

You're also a grown adult so I dont get the irritation that he 'barely registered' what happened. You didnt come to harm, you got your way home, you say yourself you enjoy walking. What did you want him to do when you told him about the journey home, fall on his knees and self flagellate?

As for other suggestions about 'talk beforehand and decide on a plan', - well that presupposes that both agree about when they want to leave, parties arent like that, in my case, I get a headache after a number of drinks so would want to go home the minute it hits me. That wouldnt apply to others who want to stay right until the end when everyone is more quiet and chatting the night away

So there might not be an 'agreed plan' except that one person might need to go before the other. Its unpredictable whether there would be a way home or if there were trains or buses due or taxis available

However you say yourself OP that there were ubers but they are expensive. Somethings are worth the money. Comfort is king

You went to a party. You decided that because YOU had had enough, your dh should also had enough. That definitely has a controlling feel to it.

You somehow forgot the festival and how bad transport would be. But instead of going back, you proceeded to walk. A decision you made knowing any risks and deciding it was fine. But he should feel awful this morning about the decisions YOU made for yourself. Again, seems controlling.

You created this whole situation and are annoyed at him about it. The whole night went the way it did because of your choices and now are annoyed he doesn’t feel bad.

Honestly, if you posted that your husband behaved how you did, people would be saying far far worse about him.

Ive read a few more responses

Im surprised at people going on about being unsafe. Ive walked home distances like that in my younger years, much younger. It was fairly common in south East London, no tubes, couldnt afford cabs in those days. Never felt unsafe

Couldnt do it now, very old and very unfit

Im amazed also at the portrayal of OP as someone or something that her husband needs to make decisions for and about. She is not a child, not his child, he is not responsible for her. Its completely externalising and disempowering when women are portrayed like this

No wonder we have a huge number of people in the world who have no internal direction or agency when people externalise so much

I remember a few years back we got stuck after going to our local town for fireworks (we're not in London now) and no cabs, buses were full. I said I wanted to walk home, I knew a short cut, much shorter than going the main road way and felt safer to me as the whole town was drunk and would be swaying along the main roads. My OH was furious and initially refused to go my way but insisted that I didnt either!! I said you go what way you want, Im going my short cut way, in the end he followed me, moaning and sulking the whole fucking way. I'll never forget the whining. Just go your own way if you dont like the way Ive gone.

Is he responsible for you, cant you make decisions for yourself, are you a child?

Dont you know how to find your way home?

Ive never heard of such neediness. Its actually quite sinister the way you say 'wouldnt 'let' me'. Wouldnt let you? Dont you have agency about your life.

I wouldnt let someone make arrangements for me, my decisions are mine and mine only.

My husband and I wouldn’t leave separately.

that said, you were daft to leave during the festival with no idea how you were going to get home.

God almighty talk about over reaction

Parties are also quite dangerous, people get drunk and off their faces on drugs, get lairy and out of control. OP and her husband might have got stabbed in a row over a knocked over drink

But it's the OP who is complaining that he didnt go with her and didnt fall over himself to feel guilty this morning.

If she is going to react like this then she should have gone back to the pub and waited with him until taxis were available.

Either she does her own thing and leaves out of it the next day or she stays with him and waits. But she cant do her own thing and then moan that he doesn't feel sorry or guilty that she had to.