For being annoyed at DH for not leaving with me last night?

[Heatherbell1978]

Night out last night with a big group; we're all parents so this rarely happens! I was done by midnight so said to my (drunk) DH that I was ready to go. Gathering started late afternoon and people were generally starting to disperse anyway. DH kind of grunted and said right see you later.
This isn't unusual for him, he has complete FOMO and generally won't leave a party until he's kicked out.
So then 2 hours it took me to get home. Night buses didn't stop as they were full, no taxis, Uber rates extortionate and I ended up walking most of the way (I'm 7 miles away from a city) before getting a bus to take me to a nearby town...and then walking from there.
DH arrived home about 20 minutes later having got a taxi - there were black cabs by that point.

He hasn't even registered that I walked alone in the dark for hours last night. Am I right to be annoyed or should I just shrug it off?

giveovernate

What happens if you don't go out with your DH? Surely single women go out and are able to ensure their own safety getting home?

not sure: there’s another thread where a woman is complaining about two friends leaving her to make her way home alone. Lots of people seem to think they were wrong 🤷‍♀️

‘My dh wouldn’t let me leave alone’ very much sounds like ‘when we go out, I get to decide when the night is over for both of us’

If you’re out by yourself you make your own decisions about safety. For example, I go out with friends in London frequently but we live far apart. So we meet quite early to ensure we get the last train then I get a cab. I message DH when I’m on the train. If I was stuck I’d call him and he’d order me an Uber.

But if we’re out together then we’ll make joint decisions about when to go home - sometimes one of us will need to compromise a bit.

And sometimes it’s me who wants to stay out and not DH so it works both ways. He still wouldn’t go and leave me. He’d just wait but probably ask me every 15 minutes if we could go until I agree!

What lies?

You seem to be floundering like a fish now, Bellac.

If he's anything like mine, he would have been practically incapable if walking by the end if the party & thoroughly embarrassing, the drunken bire who outstays his welcome. Id leave too, but I would not walk 7 miles in the dark.
I expect he didn't call to check you were OK, because he was trashed, also being male, it hasn't occurred to him that you put yourself in danger
For me the real problem here is his alcohol consumption

What makes me say she isn't? The fact that she made a thread on Mumsnet annoyed at the fact her DH didn't leave when she said the night was over.
The disempowering part is then coming on here annoyed that she wasn't escorted by her DH.

Yes I agree with that, I misread your post.

Hopefully she has re thought her reactions this morning.

How do you manage when you go out without your DH? How do you get home then?

@giveovernate I’ve already posted about that upthread.

Happy to go out alone and make provisions for my own safety. If DH and I are out together makes sense for us to go home together - mainly for financial reasons if we’re getting a cab. I don’t think there is a safety risk me getting a cab home alone. But we tend to compromise (or agree) and just go home together. I don’t think it’s that unusual? We’d arrive at a party together and leave together. Most couples I know do this. Especially if it’s a long journey involving a taxi home. Why pay double a cab fayre?

I don’t think it is right that your DH let you go home alone. I think this is a relationship issue more than anything else. My DH wouldn’t let me leave a party alone

god this is so utterly sad to read. To accept this level of control. To hand over all personal responsibility like a child. And to write it like it’s a positive.

utterly sad that some women live like this

So a man getting up to accompany his partner home is controlling?

I’m sure if she told him that she wants to make her own way home and not to come with her, he would just around and go back to the bar.

I think it’s clear there are women on here with no independent lives, they don’t go out alone, don’t socialise with friends alone, only ever go out with their husbands, and are not permitted to make their own decisions,

it’s incredibly sad that sone folks lives are like this, and I don’t think any of this would wish it for our own daughters, or even ourselves.

No, it’s not “letting” that is controlling.

A man not letting his partner leave a party alone is horribly controlling.

Letting simply means he gets up when his partner wants to leave and leaves with her.

A few of you seem to be implying he will forbid her from leaving, which is a more unlikely and dramatic interpretation.

Letting simply means he gets up when his partner wants to leave and leaves with her.

ok, I’m guessing English is your second language. It doesn’t mean this, I’m sorry, it means to permit, allow or authorise in English.

@Boredsoentertainme As in he would want to accompany me home rather than stay at the party. What a bizarre assumption to make from that statement. I also go out more without him than with him and I’m perfectly capable of making my way home alone. Stop making things up. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the word ‘let’.

He would not want me to go home alone as he would want to go with me and would be highly unlikely to want to stay at a party for hours late in to the night . We would share a cab to go to our home together as financially that would make sense.
Better? Talk about twisting people’s words to make out their caring husbands are actually controlling their little down trodden wives who never set foot outside alone. Says a lot about you…

I’m pretty sure the OP would have preferred her DP to have accompanied her home both for company/safety but also to save time/money. Nothing controlling about that. It’s a turn of phrase same as ‘I won’t let you pay as it’s my turn’.

I’m sorry but you’re an anonymous poster, I have no idea about how often you go out or your life, I simoly went on what you wrote which is your husband doesn’t let you go home alone.

words matter.

To me it suggests the women know that when they want to go home, he will feel like he must leave with her. So they get the final say, based on some everyday sexism that if your partner goes home alone is a moral failure on the mens part.

People above even confirmed that. That if they want to leave their male partner might ask for another 30 mins which would be allowed. Then the man knows that’s it party over. Because the woman wants to go home and he feels obliged to escort her.

Or the ‘I ask every 15 mins until he gives in’, which also reads ‘I know he doesn’t want to go so I keep at him til he gets fed up and give in’

The use of letting here actually suggests that the men don’t get a choice, because to ‘let’ their wives leave themselves would be bad.

For the vast majority of the ones who say ‘my partner wouldn’t let me’ don’t actually mean that at all.

So even when @Delatron has explained what she meant, you are digging your heels in and calling me a foreigner and Delatron a random? 😂

Just admit you were wrong, there’s a love.

🤣. This is so bizarre. If I was really desperate to go home alone I’m sure he would have wave me off.

I mean - he is a polite, caring husband and if we were out at a party and I wanted to go home he would rather leave the party a bit early to come with me than see me go home alone. Get it? Nothing controlling about that.

@eldora I know right?

@Andromachehadabadday I’ve explained that sometimes he wants to leave early and I’m the one dancing on the tables, insisting on another drink. I’ve said we compromise. No sexism there.

But it works both ways, doesn’t it? DH and I often negotiate how long we stay at events. Sometimes he wants to stay longer and sometimes I want to stay longer.

As we’ve often travelled in the same car, we can’t just go off on our own, so we just try to be thoughtful to each other.

I don’t think ‘letting’ means controlling when someone leaves, except for those in abusive relationships. Just because I may stay at a party to ‘let DH enjoy himself’ doesn’t mean I am controlling him, it means the opposite. It means I’m putting up with tiresness or whatever so that he can enjoy himself a bit loneger.