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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being annoyed at DH for not leaving with me last night?

171 replies

Heatherbell1978 · 28/08/2022 11:21

Night out last night with a big group; we're all parents so this rarely happens! I was done by midnight so said to my (drunk) DH that I was ready to go. Gathering started late afternoon and people were generally starting to disperse anyway. DH kind of grunted and said right see you later.
This isn't unusual for him, he has complete FOMO and generally won't leave a party until he's kicked out.
So then 2 hours it took me to get home. Night buses didn't stop as they were full, no taxis, Uber rates extortionate and I ended up walking most of the way (I'm 7 miles away from a city) before getting a bus to take me to a nearby town...and then walking from there.
DH arrived home about 20 minutes later having got a taxi - there were black cabs by that point.

He hasn't even registered that I walked alone in the dark for hours last night. Am I right to be annoyed or should I just shrug it off?

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 28/08/2022 14:21

Nothing would make me walk home at that time of night alone, especially when you could have made better arrangements knowing his form.

MichelleScarn · 28/08/2022 14:28

Echoing pp, did you tell him you couldn't get transport and decided to walk?

BogOffTraceyBeaker · 28/08/2022 14:43

You didn’t have to walk if you didn’t feel safe. Why would he think you would walk. Why do you feel you cannot walk home

Carrotzen · 28/08/2022 14:53

YABU

Your desire to leave doesn't trump his desire to stay. You chose to leave alone, seems perfectly sensible if one wants to stay and one wants to go

Secondly even if he had left with you there were no buses and no taxis, so you'd still have had to walk home. Better to stay in the party and wait for a cab

Once you realised there were no buses you could easily have gone back to him, told him there were no buses and booked a taxi for later. You chose to walk home alone

It sounds like him not being concerned is him not prepared to play the 'I had to walk home alone because you didn't leave with me game".

Original poster
Heatherbell1978 · 28/08/2022 18:29

Wow I'm definitely being unreasonable according to the responses. Some of you are being a tad harsh - no I didn't walk home to punish DH, it's something I did rather than stand in a bus stop full of drunken twats. And yes walking home is stupid - I didn't walk all the way home - I eventually got a bus but it ended up being a 2 hour journey. Thanks for taking time to respond.

OP posts:
Grumpusaurus · 28/08/2022 18:50

I cannot stand martyrs like you OP! You brought this all on yourself. And why should your partner drop everything and leave because you are done? You said yourself that you rarely get a night out. Midnight is actually quite early for many people. You decided to walk and put yourself in danger because you had the hump. What idiotic behaviour!

KatherineJaneway · 28/08/2022 21:28

My personal view is you were being a bit of a martyr about this. You knew he'd want to stay until the bitter end so should have planned a safe journey home if you intended to leave at a particular time when he was not ready.

Yes he should have cared if you arrived home safely, that's without question, but all this walking as you won't wait at a bus stop is your own issue and not related to his desire to keep partying.

HyggeandTea · 28/08/2022 21:32

For what it's worth @Heatherbell1978 , I get where you're coming from and probably would have done the same.
(Yes, probably makes me a bit of a martyr, we should maybe value ourselves more. )

BloodyCamping · 28/08/2022 21:39

I recon you need to plan ahead, work out busses, trains or book a cab first thing so that you can make your exit at a time you’re happy with

PinkyFlamingo · 28/08/2022 21:40

Most people would have planned how they were getting home, what were your original plans?

HangOnToYourself · 28/08/2022 21:40

I really dont think you are being unreasonable here. I've never had a boyfriend who wouldnt at the very least come and wait with me to ensure I have a taxi, I'd be shocked if my DP wouldnt come with me even if he wanted to stay out.

Loics · 28/08/2022 21:47

I also think YABU I'm afraid, you chose to walk on your own, and make your journey so long. I would have taken the Uber, or if it really wasn't possible to plan how to get home in advance I wouldn't have gone out if I had to risk walking home on my own. Then again, it wasn't a necessity, you chose to do it...

Dumle · 28/08/2022 21:48

But you chose to leave, how was he supposed to know you would walk home? I would have waited and taken a taxi home when one was available or waited to take one with your husband. You got yourself into this situation.

eldora · 28/08/2022 21:50

I get it, OP. This is nothing to do with who chooses to go home when, it’s to do with caring that your partner is safe.

He has shown you that he wants to be independent of you, so take him at his word.

Next time, plan for yourself and not him. Have an idea of when you want to go home, and book a taxi or arrange a lift in advance, and then just go home. Don’t offer him a lift. He is not concerned about your safety, so you don’t be concerned about his.

Dadaya · 28/08/2022 21:51

His behaviour is shocking. When your spouse says they want to leave, for whatever reason, you leave with them and make sure they get home safely. Even if you’re furious about your night being cut short, you do not let your spouse go home alone in the dark and put themselves at risk. Ditto if you’re out with a friend. If you go out together you go home together.

The one who wants to leave is equally responsible. You don’t leave a drunk spouse or friend and go home. How could you go home and not worry all night about whether you DH was ok after you left him? Do people not watch each other’s backs any more?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/08/2022 22:01

Does no one take responsibility for themselves anymore?

MichelleScarn · 28/08/2022 22:04

When your spouse says they want to leave, for whatever reason, you leave with them and make sure they get home safely.
Really? For whatever reason?

MorganKitten · 28/08/2022 22:17

You said yourself he has FOMO so would know he’d want to stay… I use night buses weekly so that wouldn’t be an issue for me, I’d have just gotten and Uber or asked the venue to sort a cab.

Dadaya · 28/08/2022 22:31

MichelleScarn · 28/08/2022 22:04

When your spouse says they want to leave, for whatever reason, you leave with them and make sure they get home safely.
Really? For whatever reason?

Yes! We look after each other. If my DH was unwell I’d take him home. If he was upset and wanted to leave I’d take him home. If we’d had an argument and he wanted to go I’d take him home. He wouldn’t leave me out by myself or let me go home alone, because both put me at risk. And he would equally be at risk, although to a lesser extent. I mean obviously we regularly go out alone when we’re sober. I’m talking about when we’ve been drinking and/or it could be dangerous to be alone.

It’s not just because we’re married either. I wouldn’t leave a drunk friend out by herself, or let her go home alone. When I was young back in the 90s it was drummed into us: It’s dangerous to be drunk and alone. Stick with the person you go out drinking with, watch each other’s backs and make sure each other gets home safely. Do people not do this any more?!

Womencanlift · 28/08/2022 22:32

If it was me and I couldn’t get a bus or taxi I would have just went back to the party rather than walking home. As others are saying you are being a martyr and unreasonable to think your DP was in the wrong when you made your own choices (as he did to stay)

TildaRae · 28/08/2022 22:36

Going against the grain here. But if me or dh wanted to leave the other would go with them. My DH wouldn’t just leave me to find my way home on my own and not even help. But that wouldn’t happen anyway as he would leave with me.

I can see why you’re annoyed. I would be too.

Kite22 · 28/08/2022 23:08

Another who thinks there are two separate issues.

The not leaving together is odd to me. It's not like you hadn't already been there hours. If you'd wanted to go home at 9pm that would be different.

What were the arrangements with the babysitter?

I can sort of see that if you rarely go out together with this crowd then it makes sense to make the most of it, but I also hear that you are all parents so probably - if starting the party in the afternoon, midnight isn't an unreasonable time to leave somewhere.

But then, I think you were ridiculous to walk home on your own for such a distance and at that time of night.

allboysherebutme · 28/08/2022 23:09

You should have no way walked around in the middle of the night alone, it is very dangerous, maybe you should have made a compromise with your husband I want to leave but, can we give it half hour or an hour and leave together as I am tired.
If you were adamant you was leaving then you should have paid the Uber price, safety comes before money every single time. X

Peony26 · 28/08/2022 23:16

I’m with you I’d be fuming! I would just expect him to look after me and care tbh! Like I look after and take care of him in other ways!

Firty · 28/08/2022 23:26

Yanbu! None of my male friends, let alone DH, would be happy to see me walk home alone past midnight. DH would have wanted to be sure I got home safe.

(You should have just got the uber though.)