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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend bought me a £12 necklace for my 30th birthday

356 replies

Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 00:49

I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, so not a long time I know. But I feel disappointed and sad by the lack of effort my boyfriend has shown for my birthday.

He got me a random joke card that had no relevance to us, and seemed like something he already had lying around. He got me a necklace that literally broke after 10 minutes of wearing it, it looked really cheap, and he told me it was from amazon...I found it and it was £12. Like what?? I don't understand why he has been so cheap?! He is very caring and affectionate, tells me everyday he loves me, but this has just felt so disappointing. We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.

He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses ect.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't want to upset him, but I don't feel very special and I feel crappy about the lack of effort, romance, and just general desire to make a fuss of me on my 30th x

OP posts:
Dajeeling · 28/08/2022 08:37

Wow, I’ve just spent 4 times as much on my daughter’s best friends birthday. And I’m a single parent of 3 children for context…

OP this isn’t good enough. If this is the best he has to offer before any commitments or before you have been together years (and got a bit complacent) then I’d be moving on (or at least explaining how I feel and see how he reacts). At this stage everyone should be on their best behaviour and still trying to impress.

I wish you the happiest of birthdays. Xxx

KyaClark · 28/08/2022 08:38

When I was younger, I dated someone who was extremely tight with money.

For Christmas he gave me a card from a pack (I suspect from his mum) and stuck a tenner in it!

Then he had a go at me for spending so much on him because I'd made him look bad!

For my birthday he said he was taking me to a hotel for the night, but when we were out he said all the hotels in the area were fully booked. I highly doubt every single hotel was full on a random Saturday in January in Ross on Wye!

We ended up going back to his but he's lived with his parents and I hadn't packed anything to sleep in.

And his mum banned us from sharing a bed...

We lasted until March.

Iknowforsure1 · 28/08/2022 08:38

Don’t settle for it, OP. While my DH is not a romantic genius, he was always generous. I remember really liking one brand of a phone way back in the past when we dated. I only said it once, I didn’t ask for it, just admired it in the shop lol He bought it for my birthday, even though he was a bit short. I was shocked! I never paid for a meal once. I did always contribute to big expenses like holiday and hotel stays, tickets etc. More than a decade later he is still generous. I have got the freedom of spending the money I earned the way I want, even though I always spend on our family. Paying half for my birthday meal is not what I expected during the daring stage, even though it might be controversial.

Denny53 · 28/08/2022 08:40

My husband isn’t into birthdays or Christmas, as a child he never celebrated either as his parents just didn’t care enough to make an effort. In fact he cried the first Christmas we were together (we were 16 & 18 years old) as my family had bought him presents - just little things like socks, selection box, Brut aftershave (remember that? Lol)
The following year and the first birthday of mine that we were together he drove us to Blackpool and bought us fish and chips that we ate on the beach - my birthday is in December brrr! and proposed with a cheap costume jewellery ring I was still at school and he was an apprentice, we had no money but that birthday meal and the ring meant everything We have now been together for more than 50 years. I knew then I’d found a keeper !
That’s what you deserve OP !!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 28/08/2022 08:40

Oral sex (apologies I've diverted it this way), is something pretty exclusively done for the recipient... it takes 5 minutes and is so so amazing, and she is really good at it... once a year! I've told her I'd take that even every few weeks than something she can solve with a credit card... even hugs and kisses... those daily small gestures that actually MEAN something.
🤮🤮 OP I'd get rid of him, if you don't you'll be in for a lifetime of this

jennakong · 28/08/2022 08:41

Halvers on his girlfriend's (30th!) birthday meal...for God's sake. Not as if he's broke either.

Probably just using you for the obvious. A genuinely caring man would have asked you what you wanted.

Snowiscold · 28/08/2022 08:41

Yeah, that’s not good, and I tend towards the frugal myself. The necklace I might just assume he’s ignorant about what things should cost and a bit dim regarding jewellery, but suggesting the meal out is split is really awful. That’s the clincher.

Meseekslookatme · 28/08/2022 08:41

Dump dump dump!
It will only get worse!
I got a necklace I was allergic to and had to pay for my own birthday meal (actually I paid for us both...)
Read sme of the threads on here of retired ladies who gave up careers to raise the kids and have the purse strings held by selfish wankers with expensive hobbies.
You're worth so much more

Notjustabrunette · 28/08/2022 08:42

My husband was like this when we first got together. I told him that this is not what I expect from a relationship and that he was weird with money. I told what I expected and what was normal in a relationship. He has been much better since, hence why I married him and didn’t split up with him.
on another note his whole family are a bit weird with money. His dad has big issues with showing affection (had a terrible childhood) and gave him money as a replacement. He has also seen his extended family take advantage of his parents money, like always expecting them to pay in a restaurant. So I can get why he wasn’t a great gift giver and liked to split a bill. Was really embarrassing though when in sainsburys he wanted to put half on my card and half on his.
We now have a joint account that everything goes into.

Adversity · 28/08/2022 08:44

@JanePrentiss has hit the nail on the head. DH makes me cards and has bought me very thoughtful gifts. Swiss Army knife, we are in to hiking springs to mind and a mug with my favourite game emblem. Not expensive just thoughtful.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 08:46

Some people just aren’t in to presents, but if he buys himself nice things clearly that’s not an excuse.

Going Dutch on your birthday meal is the real killer though.

If you are happy for this just to be companionship plus sex, crack on. If you want a relationship then dump - he’s not interested in you.

GreenManalishi · 28/08/2022 08:47

@C1N1C

those daily small gestures that actually MEAN something.

I love how you've managed to shoehorn your wife's lack of enthusiasm for bobbing her head up and down in your lap into this, however the lack of any gesture that actually means something, particularly on her birthday is OPs issue... maybe try upping your special occasion game and see if things improve for you with your wife.

I'm not a shallow influencer obsessed materialistic person at all, however a complete lack of thought (notice thought, not money) and effort can kill any relationship, and a £12 amazon necklace wouldnt' be an appropriate gift for anybody I give two sh1ts about, never mind a partner.

DenholmElliot1 · 28/08/2022 08:50

I agree with PP who said he's not really interested in you.

It's like he's doing the bare minimum to keep you.

Dumle · 28/08/2022 08:51

Some people are cautious with money - he’s one of them. It’s not a bad thing.

The excuses people come up with.... There is a big difference between £12 and £500. He could have given her something meaningful for a lot less then £500, I don't think she expected something very expensive. She just wanted to feel special, like he had thought of something for her. And not even treating her to the dinner, that's just mean and stingy.

I would be very disappointed and I don't think I could move on from it. I would talk to him about it and tell him how he made me feel.

MarshaBradyo · 28/08/2022 08:52

What will you do op?

do you want to stay with him or leave

ThirteenLuckyForSome · 28/08/2022 08:54

The gift thing I think you sound ungrateful, going to look up how much it cost, really? If you'd have found out it cost £200 would you have been OK with that? I agree a bday meal out halves does seem tight. Thing is you have only been together 9 months, he may not be as well off as you think "he has thousands in the bank" who tells a new bf/gf that? Probably someone who doesn't have much in the bank! I don't think I discussed savings etc with my husband until we'd got to the point of buying a house, I obviously knew what he did for a job but I had no idea what he had and he had no idea what I had for years.

Another thing is some families don't make a fuss of birthdays, my family don't do the big birthday thing and we stop doing gifts once people turn 16. I never buy my husband anything for his birthday, he gets a card. My husband comes from a family who do birthdays, he still gets money from his extended family in his late 30s. He calls me a misery for not bothering but 18 years in I think he's used to it. Personally I don't think the size or cost of a present correlates with how much a person loves you (it's not a money thing, for me it's a principle thing - I do obviously treat my children, it's adult birthdays I'm on about).

If you want someone to sweep you away and lavish gifts on you this probably isn't your man, however he might simply not have the funds to do this. I fall in love with the person not their bank balance or the gifts they lavish on me.

pinkyredrose · 28/08/2022 08:55

Marvellousmadness · 28/08/2022 06:06

You've been dating for 9 months
So maybeseen eachother 9 times?
What did you expect? A pearl necklace

He ordered you something. Yes maybe cheap but is that really all you care about?it makes you sound shallow af

Looks like the boyfriend's arrived!

user1471538283 · 28/08/2022 08:55

The thing is if you are going to be economical (due to circumstances) you are thoughtful. If you are not particularly thoughtful you chuck money at it.

This is neither. And to suggest you buy your own birthday meal? So your birthday treat is him!

You can do so much better.

Fifife · 28/08/2022 08:55

Dump him if you have DC he will get worse , miserly people don't change you don't want to be vulnerable on maternity leave while he lives it up.

lightisnotwhite · 28/08/2022 08:56

Sorry it’s just basic etiquette that you would pay for your partners birthday meal.

It’s the thing that annoys you at the beginning that eventually breaks you. The lack of manners would piss me off. I’d rather he did nothing but own it than be cheap. You could potentially have years of this embarrassment at Christmas and birthdays.

I would also seriously think about how he’ll be if you move in or marry. Can you live with a tight wad?

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 28/08/2022 08:57

Get rid, you wont change him, and it will end up in continual disappointment.

sjxoxo · 28/08/2022 08:58

9 months is definitely long enough for him to be making a fairly decent effort! When is his birthday & what did you do? I would probably rethink it the relationship tbh as it’s the sort of thing I’d expect from a teenager. Also I always think that men like this have dads like this who have taught them to buy something naff for their mum and this carries over when they grow up 😑 seriously!

ShandaLear · 28/08/2022 08:58

Normally when I see threads like this I think the OP is being an entitled princess, but in this case you’re perfectly justified being upset. It’s just the absolute lack of care and effort. A £30 necklace from Etsy or the local jewellers and paying for dinner is all it would have taken to make for a nice day. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune. It’s just cheap and lazy. He has just been cheap and lazy. Run, unless you want a cheap and lazy man.

noclothesinbed · 28/08/2022 09:00

Actions speak louder than words. He is showing u who he is you need to take notice

Stoic123 · 28/08/2022 09:05

Hmm - the necklace is not great but the meal splitting on your 30th is plain mean and would signal to me that absolutely no use as future partner (supporting through tough times? Mat leave?).

Needs either a really frank conversation to see if can get a clear commitment to do better (as per @Notjustabrunette) or go straight to dump.

Regardless, don't expect him to change (if even possible) without clear boundaries/expectations set by you.