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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend bought me a £12 necklace for my 30th birthday

356 replies

Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 00:49

I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, so not a long time I know. But I feel disappointed and sad by the lack of effort my boyfriend has shown for my birthday.

He got me a random joke card that had no relevance to us, and seemed like something he already had lying around. He got me a necklace that literally broke after 10 minutes of wearing it, it looked really cheap, and he told me it was from amazon...I found it and it was £12. Like what?? I don't understand why he has been so cheap?! He is very caring and affectionate, tells me everyday he loves me, but this has just felt so disappointing. We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.

He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses ect.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't want to upset him, but I don't feel very special and I feel crappy about the lack of effort, romance, and just general desire to make a fuss of me on my 30th x

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 28/08/2022 09:06

AiryFairyLights · 28/08/2022 02:22

YANBU but I think a lot of men don’t understand the importance of birthdays/milestones like women do - and I know that sounds so sexist and I don’t mean it to be (there’s lots of women too)
He probably thinks he did a great job getting you a card AND present, but he’s definitely a tight arse for wanting to split the bill for your birthday meal!

That's a pretty low bar to set.

thoroughlypipinghotbeforeserving · 28/08/2022 09:06

Massive red flag for me although nothing to do with it being OP's birthday.
I personally an not into being made a fuss of on my birthday as an adult, although I appreciate many people do.

But it's shown that this guy is clearly a tight arse and would lead to a miserable future if OP chooses to stay with him.

plinkypots · 28/08/2022 09:08

My 19 year old student son did better than that for his girlfriends birthday last week. He got her trainers she had been lusting after and then took her out for a fancy meal and a movie. If he can manage it....you're worth more OP. He will be an arse about money if you have kids too....it's so miserable it's not worth it

Adelais · 28/08/2022 09:12

I don’t think the necklace and card are that bad but the making you split the bill for a birthday meal os incredibly tight.

BunsyGirl · 28/08/2022 09:15

@Marvellousmadness why would the OP have only seen her boyfriend nine times in nine months?! Once a month?! You’ve got a very strange view on relationships. I was moving in with my DH after nine months. We’d definitely seen each other more than nine times!

youlightupmyday · 28/08/2022 09:15

My DP turned 50, nine weeks after we met. I didn't buy a 'significant birthday' type present as we were so new. But I did loads of small, cheaper presents to be opened throughout the day to make him feel special. and accidentally got his mum drunk

amusedbush · 28/08/2022 09:18

OP, I get why you're upset. In pre-lockdown 2020, my dad turned 60 and I spent a small fortune celebrating him - I handpicked personal gifts that he was really chuffed with. Then a few weeks later (at the start of the first lockdown), I turned 30 and my mum texted me to say "happy birthday, I've transferred your birthday money". It was the same amount she sends every year, no extra "big birthday" fanfare or fuss at all, and no acknowledgement that all of my plans had been cancelled.

Like your bf, my parents are comfortable financially. I truly don't care about the money though, it was the lack of thought that stung. I get the sense that you feel the same way; it's not ungratefulness, as such, it's just feeling like you're not worth any effort.

Mouk · 28/08/2022 09:18

Making you pay half of the birthday meal is awful.

Ditch the miserly git!

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 28/08/2022 09:19

Yanbu. For not much more money he could've bought a simple silver necklace that would not fall apart. And not treating you to a meal is off

Meseekslookatme · 28/08/2022 09:23

C1N1C · 28/08/2022 06:55

While i DO agree that splitting a bill and the effort made is a bit underwhelming, I think there are a lot of selfish, shallow people in this post not looking at the bigger picture.

Too much effort is placed on birthdays, Valentine's days etc. They are the bane of many relationships because of all the people you see above. My wife is like that actually... she will happily spend massive amounts of money on extravagant gifts on my birthday or events, but ignore me every other day for the rest of the year. Kissing, hugs, any form of intimacy... all zero for the whole year (or if they do happen, they're done grudgingly), but I'll get a holiday on my birthday! Oral sex (apologies I've diverted it this way), is something pretty exclusively done for the recipient... it takes 5 minutes and is so so amazing, and she is really good at it... once a year! I've told her I'd take that even every few weeks than something she can solve with a credit card... even hugs and kisses... those daily small gestures that actually MEAN something.

So no, 100% disagree with all the media-influenced shallows above... if he makes you feel loved, cherished, happy, content and you get those butterflies when he enters a room, let a day of ball-dropping slide. Of course, he might not... (devil's advocate), and it could be that this is actually reflection of other disappointing personality issues, in which case, yes, he's probably not worthy of your affection... but on its own, as a one-off incident, for him to be chastised for this when 99% of the posters above haven't even asked about the rest of the relationship, is a tragedy.

I personally think it doesn't look good, but I'd would encourage you to weigh the relationship as a whole rather than judge on one day. Whether that weighing comes out favourably or unfavourably is another matter!

Poor little lamb wants his cock sucked.
What do you do exclusively for her?

Dotcheck · 28/08/2022 09:26

Marvellousmadness · 28/08/2022 06:06

You've been dating for 9 months
So maybeseen eachother 9 times?
What did you expect? A pearl necklace

He ordered you something. Yes maybe cheap but is that really all you care about?it makes you sound shallow af

Where do you get that they’ve seen each other nine times?

BringMeTea · 28/08/2022 09:28

Throw this one back pronto.

MummyJ36 · 28/08/2022 09:29

I think men can sometimes misjudge a present, my DH has in his time. So the card and necklace I’d be inclined to forgive if he was good all round otherwise. Suggesting you pay half for the birthday meal though was really mean. Did he suggest taking you out? I’d have been upset over this for sure.

MyAnacondaMight · 28/08/2022 09:31

This is as good as it’s going to get. He won’t change.

Sswhinesthebest · 28/08/2022 09:32

DrBlackbird · 28/08/2022 07:28

Tell him how you feel. Gauge his reaction and then decide what to do about the relationship. If he gets the point, apologises and says he’ll do better next time, give him time (all other things being equal). If he shrugs and thinks you’re over reacting, not fine. Sometimes you have to tell your OH what you’d like. Even how to celebrate a special occasion.

This.

HermioneKipper · 28/08/2022 09:32

If this is what he does early on in your relationship when you’d expect loads of effort put in, I’d get out now. What a cheapskate

Veeve090 · 28/08/2022 09:33

JanePrentiss · 28/08/2022 01:08

Cautious with money is one thing, but if he can't reaplace money even with time, eg "I've made a picnic, we'll go to your favourite place to enjoy it then when we get back home I'll cook your favourite meal and massage your back while you pick a film of your choice" is not costly but demands time and effort. If he isn't spending his money on your birthday, ask is he spend g time and effort as a lovely gesture. If not then definitely get rid

It’s easy to list what he should have done, but so many men are just not like this, making picnics etc. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. To say “get rid” purely based on this is not good advice. She said he makes her feel loved, is very caring and affectionate, and that is what’s most important. I’m not saying I wouldn’t feel disappointed at the seemingly lack of effort, but sometimes men just don’t get it right when it comes to gifts. And they have only been together 9 months. Maybe her 31st gift will be better!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/08/2022 09:34

Being tight is so unattractive. I would dump him-it won’t get better than this!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 28/08/2022 09:35

Some people like to ruin special occasions, especially ones that are special for the other people in their life. At 9 months you are still in the honeymoon/love bombing phase. This has the potential to get worse, much much worse.

familyissues12345 · 28/08/2022 09:35

I'd be pretty disappointed with that too!

My DH is very careful with money, but he knows how to treat us all. I'm actually quite grateful for it as it's rubbed off well on our DS's.

C1N1C · 28/08/2022 09:41

@GreeGreenManalishi , you're missing the point. A good relationship is about a daily show of love, attention and affection, and more importantly, really KNOWING your partner. My wife loves the house to look pristine... for me to hoover is her kryptonite. We earn really good salaries but she'll get upset if I spend more than £50 on a meal, jewellery for her, clothes... for her, her happiness is a comfort in her own environment and travelling. I could buy her a car on her birthday but i know for a fact she wouldn't appreciate it if the bed hasnt been made. Her culture (she is not English) is very anti-tactile... rare kissing, no hand-holding, rarely anything physical at all, and I miss it, that is what i need. The point you're missing is that you can spend all the money in the world on someone, on one occasion and it will mean nothing if you're not receiving those little things you want on a daily basis.
It is the mistake so many people make in relationships... they assume their partner's priorities. I get money, clothes, holidays, events etc from my wife but they mean nothing if I don't get a kiss... that sign that they have listened to what I need from the relationship. That's all I want. This guy is being chastised for not spending a but more money on one day. His mistake is not realising the priority the OP puts on this day. He could be amazing in the rest of the relationship... he could buy her that chai latte that she loves from Starbucks every day because it is her favourite, totalling over a thousand pounds a year, but spends an extra ten pounds on her birthday (not too an impressive a sum)... while another boyfriend could buy that £200 Tiffany necklace on her birthday and get all the credit! However, each to their own... if daily romance guy finds someone who loves daily romance and shows no interest in birthdays, he wins... but if he finds extravagant birthday gesture woman, he loses.

Rebelmcstreettuff · 28/08/2022 09:44

Mean,mean,mean.
Can't stand meanness.
As other posters have said it's the thoughtlessly to not make you feel special on your birthday.
Kick him into touch OP.

Charlize43 · 28/08/2022 09:46

Probably best to end the relationships as if you are posting this after 9 months, imagine all the disappointments you'll endure over the years...

As they say on Mumsnet: Block him! Get rid of! Divorce him! Bin him!
^^

HRTQueen · 28/08/2022 09:48

Wow the splitting the bill on your birthday

think of your future together always watching the pennies because he likes to that’s not the same as having to

he won’t change this is him and it’s miserable living with someone who is mean

Fifife · 28/08/2022 09:50

C1N1C · 28/08/2022 06:55

While i DO agree that splitting a bill and the effort made is a bit underwhelming, I think there are a lot of selfish, shallow people in this post not looking at the bigger picture.

Too much effort is placed on birthdays, Valentine's days etc. They are the bane of many relationships because of all the people you see above. My wife is like that actually... she will happily spend massive amounts of money on extravagant gifts on my birthday or events, but ignore me every other day for the rest of the year. Kissing, hugs, any form of intimacy... all zero for the whole year (or if they do happen, they're done grudgingly), but I'll get a holiday on my birthday! Oral sex (apologies I've diverted it this way), is something pretty exclusively done for the recipient... it takes 5 minutes and is so so amazing, and she is really good at it... once a year! I've told her I'd take that even every few weeks than something she can solve with a credit card... even hugs and kisses... those daily small gestures that actually MEAN something.

So no, 100% disagree with all the media-influenced shallows above... if he makes you feel loved, cherished, happy, content and you get those butterflies when he enters a room, let a day of ball-dropping slide. Of course, he might not... (devil's advocate), and it could be that this is actually reflection of other disappointing personality issues, in which case, yes, he's probably not worthy of your affection... but on its own, as a one-off incident, for him to be chastised for this when 99% of the posters above haven't even asked about the rest of the relationship, is a tragedy.

I personally think it doesn't look good, but I'd would encourage you to weigh the relationship as a whole rather than judge on one day. Whether that weighing comes out favourably or unfavourably is another matter!

Sounds like an issue with you, I stopped giving oral sex for a while when my OH would just sit there expecting it and not giving any pleasure or affection to me even on my birthday. I did it again when he stopped being such a selfish bastard pleasure is a two way street. It's not a transaction or a birthday present.