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Original poster

Boyfriend bought me a £12 necklace for my 30th birthday

356 replies

Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 00:49

I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, so not a long time I know. But I feel disappointed and sad by the lack of effort my boyfriend has shown for my birthday.

He got me a random joke card that had no relevance to us, and seemed like something he already had lying around. He got me a necklace that literally broke after 10 minutes of wearing it, it looked really cheap, and he told me it was from amazon...I found it and it was £12. Like what?? I don't understand why he has been so cheap?! He is very caring and affectionate, tells me everyday he loves me, but this has just felt so disappointing. We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.

He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses ect.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't want to upset him, but I don't feel very special and I feel crappy about the lack of effort, romance, and just general desire to make a fuss of me on my 30th x

OP posts:
sweetbambi · 01/09/2022 08:47

@Cashewlight but you see your brother still manages to make the other person feel cared for by putting in an effort in other ways.

to me that birthday sounded like a partner of 9 months thought it was OK to just buy any random tat and any random card with no thought or effort put in regarding the woman he loves and to top it off that she is expected to pay half her meal feels a bit cold.

no I do realise I could be completely wrong here as this is just a very brief snippet of the relationship I just know I would feel like my partner did absolutely not care about me if this was the norm

CactusBlossom · 01/09/2022 20:52

If he doesn't make you happy, he has to go. The price of the gift isn't important, it's the thought (or lack of it) that went into it. If you had said you liked tiger's eye (for example) and it was a tiger's eye pendant, that would be nice... but it doesn't sound like that. Not sure why you don't want to upset him - he didn't seem too bothered about upsetting you!

DontBlameMe79 · 02/09/2022 13:59

His behaviour is unacceptable. You need access to his resources especially (but not only) if you have children. Men need to provide and without that, what’s the point of them. He needs to pay up. They need to pay up.

ruthless1381 · 02/09/2022 21:05

Sounds like he's about to break up with you or hoping you will

Cashewlight · 03/09/2022 20:44

sweetbambi · 01/09/2022 08:47

@Cashewlight but you see your brother still manages to make the other person feel cared for by putting in an effort in other ways.

to me that birthday sounded like a partner of 9 months thought it was OK to just buy any random tat and any random card with no thought or effort put in regarding the woman he loves and to top it off that she is expected to pay half her meal feels a bit cold.

no I do realise I could be completely wrong here as this is just a very brief snippet of the relationship I just know I would feel like my partner did absolutely not care about me if this was the norm

Sweet bambi totally take your point. Just thought I would offer a different perspective on this. My brother has no 'back doors' to him he is just a nice person. But if I looked at it superficially, no birthday cards, forgetting significant events, buying me a non expensive gift ( but thoughtful in his case ) then i could decide he is a miser or miserable. I know him very well so i know what he does for others and what gifts he has bought for others, but to the uninitiated it might not be so obvious. I also know he wouldnt waste his money on buying a cheap necklace birthday present for someone, he would rather buy them something useful which might not be appreciated for an entirely different reason! Lol

Always4Brenner · 03/09/2022 20:46

Get rid and get rid now you’ll have miserable birthdays and Christmas etc for rest 0f life if you stay with him.

MamaBearof4 · 04/09/2022 17:51

I know you don't want to upset him, but you need to speak to him about how this has made you feel. He may just be a clueless eejit when it comes to special dates.
My own husband made a feeble effort for my 50th this year. We didn't celebrate at all, I didn't even have a cake. Other people we know have had big celebrations, mini holidays, surprise parties and lovely thoughtful gifts. I felt sad about it and let him know that I felt very let down. He just said "well I didn't know". We've been together 13 years, known each other 15 and been married for 7.

theladywiththelamp · 04/09/2022 17:59

OP, do two really important things here.

  1. RUN. and
  2. The 5 love languages quiz so that you know exactly what it is you need and want from a partner in future and don’t settle for someone who isn’t completely right for you again. You are worth far, far more than just his words. 💐
piesforever · 04/09/2022 18:37

You're all a bunch of money grabbers! If he's kind and decent, who cares. My dh is crap with presents but it's really not a deal breaker.

surreygirl1987 · 04/09/2022 23:55

You're all a bunch of money grabbers! If he's kind and decent, who cares. My dh is crap with presents but it's really not a deal breaker

I so agree! My husband is terrible with presents and sometimes doesn't even get me a card... but is wonderful every single day and treats me so well, and that means more than stupid trinkets!

sweetbambi · 05/09/2022 08:36

@piesforever @surreygirl1987 it's not about the price of the gift. it is about the lack of thought and effort he felt he can put in that is being critised here. if it was a necklace that reminded him of their first date or something special to them, or if it was her favourite stone that was on the necklace or maybe something of significance to her it would not be the same situation. it's not about the money or lack it was just thoughtless as if he put in no effort at all to a mile stone birthday

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 10:20

surreygirl1987 · 04/09/2022 23:55

You're all a bunch of money grabbers! If he's kind and decent, who cares. My dh is crap with presents but it's really not a deal breaker

I so agree! My husband is terrible with presents and sometimes doesn't even get me a card... but is wonderful every single day and treats me so well, and that means more than stupid trinkets!

@surreygirl1987

i wouldn’t think my husband to be that wonderful if he couldn’t even be bothered to get me a bloody birthday card

ddl1 · 05/09/2022 14:25

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2022 10:20

@surreygirl1987

i wouldn’t think my husband to be that wonderful if he couldn’t even be bothered to get me a bloody birthday card

Show quote history

They could be great every day, and not treat birthdays as the One Big Special Day. Better than ignoring or bullying their partner every day, and trying to make up for it on a 'special day'.

ddl1 · 05/09/2022 14:32

surreygirl1987 · 04/09/2022 23:55

You're all a bunch of money grabbers! If he's kind and decent, who cares. My dh is crap with presents but it's really not a deal breaker

I so agree! My husband is terrible with presents and sometimes doesn't even get me a card... but is wonderful every single day and treats me so well, and that means more than stupid trinkets!

I largely agree; but the biggest problem with the OP's partner is IMO his taking her out for a meal, and expecting her to 'go Dutch'. It's one thing just not to give a gift at all; another to give a gift that you then expect the recipient to pay for. It may be just a weird 'one-off'; but it does raise suspicions of stinginess and/or of his not being entirely upfront about his financial situation.

phishy · 05/09/2022 14:57

He said he wanted to get me flowers, but he didn't know how to do it when I was staying at his?

If that's true then he's a gormless twat.

If he's lying then he's a stingy twat.

Either wat, have you not got the ick?

surreygirl1987 · 05/09/2022 19:04

i wouldn’t think my husband to be that wonderful if he couldn’t even be bothered to get me a bloody birthday card

Honestly, he's amazing. The loveliest guy in the world. Things like that just don't matter us - it's the day to day that counts. (I type this while my husband is doing the washing up).

surreygirl1987 · 05/09/2022 19:05

They could be great every day, and not treat birthdays as the One Big Special Day. Better than ignoring or bullying their partner every day, and trying to make up for it on a 'special day'.

Yep!

surreygirl1987 · 05/09/2022 19:07

it's not about the price of the gift. it is about the lack of thought and effort he felt he can put in that is being critised here. if it was a necklace that reminded him of their first date or something special to them, or if it was her favourite stone that was on the necklace or maybe something of significance to her it would not be the same situation. it's not about the money or lack it was just thoughtless as if he put in no effort at all to a mile stone birthday

The OP literally pinpoints the fact the necklace is £12 in her thread title! And people are calling him stingy and a cheapskate!

NovaDeltas · 05/09/2022 19:09

He has no idea who you are and isn't very interested in a relationship. Sorry OP. I don't really do gifty stuff but he should know the basics of taking out for a meal.

sweetbambi · 05/09/2022 19:28

@surreygirl1987 I am sure if it was a 12 pound necklace that had some special meaning to OP she would never have complained about it. right now it sounds like he went on amazon and thoughtlessly bought any random necklace

surreygirl1987 · 05/09/2022 20:38

So... in that case isn't the cost of the necklace completely irrelevant?

sweetbambi · 05/09/2022 21:11

@surreygirl1987 I think it is a case that the price of the necklace added salt to the injury if that makes sense. had he put any thought into it would not have been a problem if that makes any sense

surreygirl1987 · 05/09/2022 22:12

To be honest, not really, but bored now so n/m!

GreenManalishi · 06/09/2022 10:03

God forbid we could expect to be in a relationship with a man who was wonderful every day, even..... did the washing up!!! AND was able to grasp the cultural norm of a Birthday being a special event to be marked, and get his adult arse down to the florist and buy you dinner.

It's not a choice of either/or!

If you've got one that manages to reach a baseline of adulting every day, is kind and thoughtful 365 days, that doesn't use up all the space in their manbrain, meaning there's none left to consider what might be appropriate on your birthday and do something about it.

If you're in a relationship you don't get to opt out Birthdays or put in some harl arsed effort without it causing upset, or finding someone who will accept that if they don't bully and ignore you all year, you won't make a fuss!