Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend bought me a £12 necklace for my 30th birthday

356 replies

Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 00:49

I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, so not a long time I know. But I feel disappointed and sad by the lack of effort my boyfriend has shown for my birthday.

He got me a random joke card that had no relevance to us, and seemed like something he already had lying around. He got me a necklace that literally broke after 10 minutes of wearing it, it looked really cheap, and he told me it was from amazon...I found it and it was £12. Like what?? I don't understand why he has been so cheap?! He is very caring and affectionate, tells me everyday he loves me, but this has just felt so disappointing. We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.

He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses ect.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't want to upset him, but I don't feel very special and I feel crappy about the lack of effort, romance, and just general desire to make a fuss of me on my 30th x

OP posts:
plinkypots · 28/08/2022 21:45

He listened. He tried to fix it. If everything else is good then I'd keep going but what's important is how does it feel to you? The rest of us can project all our experiences into this one and on a site full of women it won't be hard given the theme of "man lets down woman". So how do you feel?

ddl1 · 28/08/2022 21:46

Well, I'm milestone-birthday-phobic, so probably my views are atypical; but I don't think that making a fuss of you on a special day is nearly as important as being loving and caring every day. So that in itself wouldn't bother me- unless he demands to be treated like royalty on his own birthday.

However, if he treats you to a meal, it's pretty mean to expect you to go Dutch.

kidsandpuppies · 28/08/2022 21:57

You don't know what to say to him? You should say good bye. It's a relatively new relationship, and that level of stinginess and lack of concern for you will only get worse. He's telling you that he is selfish and tight.

BadLad · 28/08/2022 22:22

JudgeJ · 28/08/2022 21:14

I got a Terry's chocolate orange for my 50th from my late OH! That's not why he's 'late' by the way. He was hopeless at presents.

It would have been quite unreasonable to murder him for that.

Rubyupbeat · 28/08/2022 22:31

Some people just don't make a fuss over birthdays or Christmas, its probably how they have been brought up, but the going Dutch after a birthday meal is definitely quite mean!

Veeve090 · 28/08/2022 23:21

I think a lot of people are going overboard telling this person to “get rid” etc. If you feel loved and the daily treatment from this man is enough to make you feel secure and happy then that is the main thing.

YukoandHiro · 28/08/2022 23:26

Some people just aren't good gift givers (my DH) so I could have excused that around thinking about love languages and asking for the things you want. But sharing the cost of your birthday meal? That's really insulting and upsetting.
Either there's something you don't know about like a hidden debt issue or he's just not that into you (sorry)

ashitghost · 29/08/2022 00:23

i could never be with a mean miser. Dump.

kateandme · 29/08/2022 07:27

Ask him what your friends said when you cancelled the party.go to said friends and ask them.
I guess it all depends.it could be ok.butvyour posting on here so something for YOU is clearly not ok.so whilsy you might getvperspectuve or views on here we can't be your mind.and that's what counts.you don't sound happy.
And that could be over a lost sick.or necklace.your not currently happy.If you were you'd right this off easier.
What s your relationship like currently?

girlmom21 · 29/08/2022 08:11

C1N1C · 29/08/2022 08:10

Absolute cunts

Catcatcat12 · 29/08/2022 08:51

PaddleBoardingMomma · 28/08/2022 01:32

WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE… BELIEVE IT THE FIRST TIME!

He’s made it clear what sort of person he is, he’s shown you with actions not just words. Believe what he’s showing you and get out.

I agree with this. I think this sort of behaviour is about more than money, people who are this right with their cash tend to be ungenerous in spirit too.

By the way I sympathise - he sounds like like my ex. He gave me a paperback book by an author I would never read, and a potted plant from a supermarket, for my birthday. He bought himself a £600 golf club that same week.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 29/08/2022 09:13

C1N1C · 28/08/2022 06:55

While i DO agree that splitting a bill and the effort made is a bit underwhelming, I think there are a lot of selfish, shallow people in this post not looking at the bigger picture.

Too much effort is placed on birthdays, Valentine's days etc. They are the bane of many relationships because of all the people you see above. My wife is like that actually... she will happily spend massive amounts of money on extravagant gifts on my birthday or events, but ignore me every other day for the rest of the year. Kissing, hugs, any form of intimacy... all zero for the whole year (or if they do happen, they're done grudgingly), but I'll get a holiday on my birthday! Oral sex (apologies I've diverted it this way), is something pretty exclusively done for the recipient... it takes 5 minutes and is so so amazing, and she is really good at it... once a year! I've told her I'd take that even every few weeks than something she can solve with a credit card... even hugs and kisses... those daily small gestures that actually MEAN something.

So no, 100% disagree with all the media-influenced shallows above... if he makes you feel loved, cherished, happy, content and you get those butterflies when he enters a room, let a day of ball-dropping slide. Of course, he might not... (devil's advocate), and it could be that this is actually reflection of other disappointing personality issues, in which case, yes, he's probably not worthy of your affection... but on its own, as a one-off incident, for him to be chastised for this when 99% of the posters above haven't even asked about the rest of the relationship, is a tragedy.

I personally think it doesn't look good, but I'd would encourage you to weigh the relationship as a whole rather than judge on one day. Whether that weighing comes out favourably or unfavourably is another matter!

And what do YOU do for HER on a daily basis?
Cuts both ways you know.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 29/08/2022 09:39

Sounds like balls, he also sounds completely useless, and the question is would he have done anything to make it up had you not brought it up??

Had he contacted your friends at all to arrange a surprise party?

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/08/2022 09:47

So he can jump out and suddenly get flowers and dinner while you're there without you knowing what he's going out for but he didn't know how to get flowers delivered for your actual birthday?

Bollocks.

Guarantee there was no surprise dinner planned, cos if there was he could have easily changed it to a non-surprise, just told you he'd invited your friends for a meal. No reason to think you would have had an issue celebrating your 30th with all your friends.

You've called him on shitty behaviour and now he's scrambling to do anything nice enough to keep you from walking. Do you want to be upset and have this type of conversation every time he just doesn't quite get what he should have done? That's worse than a PP suggesting training him with positive reinforcement.

For my birthday, 2 months after we started dating, now DH baked me a cake, and made me a meal cos we were skint. I still remember and talk about it nearly 15 years later.

Aprilx · 29/08/2022 10:13

I don’t think it sounds any better with the update. So he managed to get flowers in the end, but he couldn’t before he was effectively told to. The flowers, chocolates and offer of cooking dinner would not mean much to me considering he only did it when, effectively, told to.

I think you should have asked him about a £12 gift, it wasn’t even as if it was a cute novelty gift, it was just a cheap gift. You said he has money, so he actually sat there, picked out a crap £12 necklace and thought he was done.

I have a feeling you are going to accept it though, you will probably have a few more disappointments coming until he finds somebody he really does think a lot of.

And as I mentioned when I first posted, I do not go overboard for birthdays, DH and I often don’t bother. But in new relationship, this would be a huge red flag in terms of him either not thinking very much of you or down the line how he is going to be over matters of money.

MrsTimRiggins · 29/08/2022 10:15

Well personally I’d find the fact that he was tight and thoughtless very unattractive and would probably be ending the relationship. After nine months, you’re still getting to know each other and this would be something I’d be very turned off by.

Tessabelle74 · 29/08/2022 18:10

If it was a lovely necklace that fit your interests, a bumble bee because you love them for example, then the price wouldn't matter, but just generic cheap tat and going halves on your meal would have seen me single the day after my 30th tbh

FreyaStorm · 29/08/2022 18:17

Ditch. There’s nothing worse than being with a miser and more than likely will turn into financial abuse if you stay with him long term.

CountryMouse22 · 29/08/2022 18:17

It costs nothing to utter words of 'love'. This guy is a cheapo. I'd finish it.

Mumontour85 · 29/08/2022 18:32

He made you pay half for your birthday meal??!!! What a massive cockwomble 😣

IMO, that's much worse than a cheap, shitty little necklace.

Mandyjack · 29/08/2022 18:32

Sounds like the reason he's got thousands iin the bank is that he's tight. Can you put up with this long term?

Apandemicyousay · 29/08/2022 18:36

You’ve been warned! Walk away - honestly you will spend decades feeling worthless if you stay. It’s got nothing to do with the absolute monetary value, but his default instinct was to be mean (going halves on your dinner out) etc

stacyvaron · 29/08/2022 18:46

He is showing you who he is. He may be tight, or just a thoughtless twat. Its about more than just this incident though, please don't fool yourself into thinking it will change., it won't. Is this the way you want yourself and your future children to be treated? If not, dump him and keep looking.

Mamanyt · 29/08/2022 18:54

Not a keeper. In fact, I'd lose him as soon as possible. IF he were struggling financially, I'd feel very differently about it.