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Original poster

Boyfriend bought me a £12 necklace for my 30th birthday

356 replies

Fairylights246 · 28/08/2022 00:49

I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, so not a long time I know. But I feel disappointed and sad by the lack of effort my boyfriend has shown for my birthday.

He got me a random joke card that had no relevance to us, and seemed like something he already had lying around. He got me a necklace that literally broke after 10 minutes of wearing it, it looked really cheap, and he told me it was from amazon...I found it and it was £12. Like what?? I don't understand why he has been so cheap?! He is very caring and affectionate, tells me everyday he loves me, but this has just felt so disappointing. We went out for a birthday meal and he suggested we pay half each.

He is not struggling financially, he has thousands in his savings, and often treats himself to new clothes, other expenses ect.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't want to upset him, but I don't feel very special and I feel crappy about the lack of effort, romance, and just general desire to make a fuss of me on my 30th x

OP posts:
MightbeMaybe · 30/08/2022 02:19

@Trying20 Yup exactly to put it into perspective or to give the full picture of this man who isn't short of cash but also lacks thoughtfulness and care.

I'm half asleep now but the comment wasn't about the lizard people, coz that would be about as bonkers as thinking humans can change sex because frogs can right? Wink

You were speaking in general terms about your outlook on life, I remember that particularly because I did question it at the time. Then you replied, I think I remember you saying something like: "if shown evidence that proved my beliefs are wrong I tend to double down", I commented that it was very self aware of you to admit that even though you knew it was a fault.

Bozlem80 · 30/08/2022 04:31

Bin him, I was with someone for a long time, never got me a card, said waste of money, told me there was money in the account for me to buy myself something (my 40th) then the last straw I asked him to make me a coffee on my 40th birthday & bring it to bed (in lockdown at the time) he said no was too busy getting ready for work, I actually cried when he left that morning because it wouldn’t of taken him 2 mins to do & would of meant the world to me!

Joshanddonna · 30/08/2022 05:36

Lack of effort isn't the worst thing but paying half for your birthday meal is grim. My Oh is a birthday disaster but he is very generous and fair with money. Sorry but stinginess is a big relationship no no.

BunsyGirl · 30/08/2022 08:09

Re savings, I have more than one savings pot - some is long term and some is shorter term to save for larger purchases. That would include nice gifts for my DH and DC. So, had I been with someone 6 months and knew they had a big birthday coming up in three months, I would put a little aside each month to treat them. I don’t think being with someone “only” nine months means that you shouldn’t spend much on them. I moved in with my DH after nine months.

Insanelysilver · 30/08/2022 08:17

His total lack of effort doesn’t bode well.
He’s not exactly feeling like he needs to woo you is he !
He’s either too comfortable already or not really bothered.
Don’t settle for someone who feels they’re settling for you. There’s someone out there who would value you.

Trying20 · 30/08/2022 09:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

WorryMcGee · 30/08/2022 09:51

Happy birthday OP. I agree with other posters, bin him. There are plenty of ways to make people feel special without throwing a shit ton of money at it, he just sounds like he can’t be arsed - and if he can’t be arsed at 9 months that’s a red flag imo.

LindsayStauffer · 30/08/2022 09:52

That's shit OP. It's not even about the money, it's about the thought that's gone into it. And 30th is a big birthday! If he'd gone and got your favourite takeout as a surprise on him and brought it back and then got you a few bits that were meaningful that'd not have broken the bank but would have shown a bit of thought. But it sounds like he barely thought at all. Not impressed.

AchatAVendre · 30/08/2022 09:57

I have no idea who is being unreasonable here. But you do come across as a bit money obsessed and calculating/demanding. I personally find adults who make a big fuss about birthdays a bit spoilt.

It could be that because you only got him a card for his birthday and because this is only a 9 month relationship, he assumed birthdays weren't a big thing to you.

Debzyrobinson · 30/08/2022 10:02

Just get rid,it wouldn't be that bad it he's had not got Any money, I dread to think what he will get you for Christmas.

99redballoonsgobyy · 30/08/2022 13:28

That's just him and they way he is unlikely that things will change. My OH is like this we've been together well over 20 years now and ive never had a valentines card or gift and he makes very little effort if any at all for birthdays and Christmas. like your dp it's not that he can't afford it it's just not him.
It used to really upset me in the early days of our relationship especially when I'd see friends will lovely gifts or something romantic they'd planned, valentines day would especially hurt.
but I'm used to it now.
If you don't want a lifetime of disappointing birthdays,Christmas and valentines I'd reconsider your relationship now.

Blueink · 30/08/2022 13:50

The birthday meal is a red flag (not so much the card and necklace), did you say anything? I don’t think 30th is such a huge deal though, but it was to you. Don’t expect any spontaneous, grand gestures or luxurious gifts, but if things are otherwise good, you could speak with him about how you feel.

Blueink · 30/08/2022 14:01

Just saw you had updated.
It seems like he was trying to plan something and was put off by your ‘no surprises’ comment. He listened and made an effort to make amends, but I still don’t get why he wanted to go halves on the dinner.
You only got him a card, regardless of the circumstances, this did set the tone.

MightbeMaybe · 30/08/2022 14:29

@Trying20 I've said why twice, because it gives a full picture of this guy.

AnaDay · 30/08/2022 14:30

Oh dear, that’s really lame

Trying20 · 30/08/2022 15:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

Kate0902900908 · 30/08/2022 20:44

He's a cheap arse and ‘I love you’ is FREE (his favourite) Not for me! I would literally end the relationship. Tell him the truth, your cheap and it's a turn off - GO HALF ON YOUR BIRTHDAY MEAL OUT?!. This type of thing.. if together long term means you will be disappointed time and time again. Him keeping that money in the bank or for things he wants is more important than impressing, treating or making a special gesture to you even on a special birthday. I've seen my friends marry these men, one of them said he would only go half for the pram (their first born child) if it was less than £200 and it would last all the children they might have) hahahahaha

Don't get me wrong, I married the best broke- in debt man you could ever meet, poor and cheap is very different!

Get rid!!

Everydayyall · 31/08/2022 10:24

He has just given you a snap shot of your future together. He doesn't value you. It's not about the money amount but the thoughtlessness.

VestaTilley · 31/08/2022 10:29

I’d have a meaningful chat with him about it. If things don’t improve then dump him.

It’s not reasonable to want to be showered with gifts or given expensive things, but it’s about the thought shown. A joke card and a £12 necklace? Unless he’s been brought up with no social skills or is far poorer/more in debt than you think then that is very odd behaviour. And he should have treated you to dinner on your birthday.

Happy belated birthday; I hope you enjoy your thirties!

Apes413 · 31/08/2022 20:19

Girlie, you are NOT being unreasonable! When i met my husband he asked me out the first time three days before my birthday. When he found out from a mutual friend, he INSISTED our first date be the day before my actual birth date. This was our FIRST DATE EVER!! He treated me to a wonderful meal (not expensive but at one of my favorite restaurants), he picked a card that wasnt jokey or too romantic but sweet and cute as all get out AND he got me a gift of a sunflower bouquet (my favorite flower!) A bottle of inexpensive wine and a joint to smoke together while we looked at the stars. The man made so much effort it made my head spin, my heart flutter and my feet leave the ground. We've been together ever since. Almost 6 yrs together with our 3rd wedding anniversary coming in a few months. Its important to know your worth but to also choose the man who knows your worth the effort!!! 💜

sweetbambi · 31/08/2022 20:45

Happy belated birthday. from what you wrote he comes across as unkind and not caring at all. It is not the amount of money spend that would be a red flag for me but the lack of thought and care.

he could have prepared a picnic for you or cooked a meal for you at home, gotten you a bottle of your favourite wine, some of your favourite flowers for the same prince and it would have come across as if he cared more then the way he made you feel.

I am so sorry you felt like this on your birthday

Supersimkin2 · 31/08/2022 20:48

Mean with money, mean with love.

PizzaPizza56 · 01/09/2022 04:02

Interesting. He just sounds like a bloke to me that doesn't 'get' the whole birthday thing. If he doesn't care about his own birthday he might think he has made a lot of effort for your birthday. Talk to him about it and make sure he knows how you feel and why you feel it. If he doesn't know that you're upset and why then he can't do anything about it

Heyho31 · 01/09/2022 05:58

I don't get the high votes on him being unreasonable. It is just a birthday and you are a grown woman. And of course some adults like making a fuss of their own birthday....which is fine if it's about quality time and or celebrating milestone/reflecting back on ones life...but not about a silly present. I get that a thoughtful present is lovely, especially if it's your love language. But this was a birthday, which comes on the same day every year and will continue to do so, hopefully, for many more years.
Maybe he is thinking ahead and planning his budget in advance

Cashewlight · 01/09/2022 07:01

sweetbambi · 31/08/2022 20:45

Happy belated birthday. from what you wrote he comes across as unkind and not caring at all. It is not the amount of money spend that would be a red flag for me but the lack of thought and care.

he could have prepared a picnic for you or cooked a meal for you at home, gotten you a bottle of your favourite wine, some of your favourite flowers for the same prince and it would have come across as if he cared more then the way he made you feel.

I am so sorry you felt like this on your birthday

My brother is utterly useless when it comes to birthdays/ anniversarys. He is nearly 60. I frequently have to remind him when they are, including his wifes , unless of course she got there first. He is exactly the same about his own birthday. Honestly think he wouldnt bother at all if left to his own devices. He thinks cards are a waste of money. But he is the kindest, most loving person. The things he has bought me and my siblings over the years , not birthday related , just gifts , have been the best most thoughtful and now most loved. He isnt in any way an ostentatious person, and quite thrifty with his money, drives his wife mad , but he has worked hard for his money has a good life and is very kind with his own time by doing things for others, ie me, our mum, our siblings, his step children and inlaws eg odd jobs and gardening. He is altogether a much better person than me. So find out how your bf is with others and see if be is worth hanging on to.