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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Sil deliberately being a bitch or am I over sensitive?

160 replies

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:28

Never really had good vibes from my sil, she’s a very strong, dominant personality and is often falling out with friends and family and having petty dramas and being angry with people.
Anyway, I’ve always tried to get on with her…really hard!
They’ve been visiting this week and I tried my best to be really welcoming and friendly etc.
Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd, then she mentions how she had a great time with him and our Dds name and how her Dd is a bit quiet now as a teen but loves him and our Dd…literally no inclusion of me whatsoever, no mention of me…just feels a bit gutting after trying my best, cooking for them etc and spending almost the whole week with them on our hols…am I being too sensitive and reading too much into it, or is she really being a bitch? -she has form for it

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 27/08/2022 22:30

I'd say she's deliberately excluding you, yes. Nasty. I wouldn't be making much effort with her in future. What does your DH say?

KosherDill · 27/08/2022 22:34

She's nasty. Don't ruin your Christmas going to her. Let your "D" H visit her alone at some other time, if he must. Though he should be taking your sides.

Josette77 · 27/08/2022 22:34

That's not nice but why did your DH tell you, you were excluded? That's also not nice.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:34

@Greensleeves I asked him if his sister had texted etc and he did look a bit sort of sheepish and casually said ‘Yeah, she said she had a great time etc’ sounded a bit weird, but then I’ve just seen the message…not snooping, using phone as my battery ran out, we’re open with our phones. I didn’t mention it, should I? And say what? He probably won’t see it and say I’m being petty.
I honestly thought we’d had a better week…ish…I’m always wary because she’s scary! But I hoped we’d sort of bonded a little more. This feels like pushing me out from my own Dd..,wtf!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:35

@Josette77 He didn’t tell me, he wouldn’t, I saw the message, don’t know if he’d read into it that I was excluded

OP posts:
Palmtreesandsand · 27/08/2022 22:35

Yes, insensitive at best, deliberate at worst. Don't make so much effort next time.

girlmom21 · 27/08/2022 22:36

You were definitely snooping so you can't really say anything. Even if you were using his phone because you're open with them you had no reason to read her message.

What was his response?

euphigee · 27/08/2022 22:36

It's really difficult to say to be honest. I am in a similar situation( international family) and when my sibling comes to stay she will obviously thank my husband at the end and if he's done anything specific, but she's my sister and would talk about seeing me and the kids, and wouldn't be bothered if my husband visited or not. I think that's normal really and I also am not bothered whether her husband is there when we t travel back, but do thank him when appropriate obviously.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:37

I’m wondering if she just didn’t think and was just focused on them? Still not nice, definitely makes me feel once again like I don’t want to be around them! My parents and sis would always say ‘We loved seeing you all’ or use all our names…nice and inviting and as a member of the family

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 22:38

You were snooping, own it.

Anyway yes she sounds mean. Can you have Christmas at yours instead?

Pamlar · 27/08/2022 22:38

Yes deliberate. How upsetting and rude.
Agree with @Greensleeves
Don't take the bait and raise it with her and don't make an effort in future.
She doesn't want to be close to you and from what you have described you're better off that way.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:39

@girlmom21 Wasnt snooping.
I haven’t said anything to him yet

OP posts:
neurospicy · 27/08/2022 22:39

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:37

I’m wondering if she just didn’t think and was just focused on them? Still not nice, definitely makes me feel once again like I don’t want to be around them! My parents and sis would always say ‘We loved seeing you all’ or use all our names…nice and inviting and as a member of the family

She didn't know she was talking to you because she didn't expect a private message between her and her brother to be read by someone else.

Yabu completely unreasonable.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 27/08/2022 22:41

How long have you been married?

I'd be making clear to my DH that unless he calls his sister out on her behaviour, she won't be invited to your house again and he can see her elsewhere.

This is your DH's issue to handle.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:41

@neurospicy Its not a private message, we share our messages without issues, both ways, he usually reads them out to me and vice versa and I read to him after my parents visit and they send a nice message..with him included, naturally

OP posts:
Meraas · 27/08/2022 22:42

I wouldn’t have her over again. She hasn’t acknowledged your hospitality at all.

Hairday · 27/08/2022 22:43

YABVU! The message wasn't intended for you. She didn't think you'd see it! Did she say thank you to you in person?

MushMonster · 27/08/2022 22:44

It is not ideal, but she was texting her brother. So saying she loved seeing him and his children. If it was a card addressed to your family or something like this, but it was addressed to him, for him only to read.
I would not read anything else into that part. She could say that she loved spending time with you and your children if she was texting you, instead of him IYKWIM.

Now, the not mentioning you when it comes to Christmas is dodgy, because it is an invitation.

Add altogether, and she does not come along any good.
But I would turn a blind eye if she had been agreeable and nice to you in person. If she also ignores you in person, I would not spend Christmas with her.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:44

@lisavanderpumpscloset We've been together since our teens…a lonnnngggg time, I think she thinks I took her brother away by us moving abroad. Whilst she was here, she spent the final night absolutely grilling me with allsorts of questions..it was really uncomfortable and intense

I imagine if I say it to him, he’ll say I’m reading too much into it and she doesn’t mean it like that

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/08/2022 22:44

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:39

@girlmom21 Wasnt snooping.
I haven’t said anything to him yet

You her but I mean what did he text back

DenholmElliot1 · 27/08/2022 22:45

You're not being too sensitive she is definately excluding you and your DH knows it, thats why he looks sheepish. Be very careful there - he might be in on it for all you know. I always wondered why my in-laws didn't like me even though i'd never done anything wrong and always entertained them but it turned out my Ex DH was bitching about me to them.

Did she thank you for your hospitality? Verbally? buy some flowers for you?

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:46

@Hairday i don’t need or expect a thank you, she wasn’t thanking him, she was saying how much she loved seeing him and our Dd, how her Dd loved seeing him and her Dd and how their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd if they went over.,,zero mention of me or even..’It was so nice seeing you all’ who does that 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 27/08/2022 22:46

I think you need to mention it to your DH. Ask him if he thinks she deliberately left you out and what he's going to do about it. I'd also tell him SiL won't be invited again.

Uselesswithusernames · 27/08/2022 22:46

I’m wondering if it just goes with her character as you’ve described? Meaning she was just being thoughtless rather than deliberately excluding you. And you say you thought you had a better week so you probably did….but she just needs to work on her manners! If it were me, I would’ve text both of you to say thank you for having us for a week. If you had a text too I’m sure it would’ve made all the difference, but some people are just inconsiderate.

neurospicy · 27/08/2022 22:47

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:41

@neurospicy Its not a private message, we share our messages without issues, both ways, he usually reads them out to me and vice versa and I read to him after my parents visit and they send a nice message..with him included, naturally

She. Wasn't. Talking. To. You.

You and your DH sound incredibly enmeshed.

Your DH should be allowed to speak to his sister privately without you reviewing everything that he says.

That you can't see this speaks volumes about you.