Page 4 | Is Sil deliberately being a bitch or am I over sensitive?

FrozenGhost · 27/08/2022 23:52

That's sort of splitting hairs though isn't it? The family gets along. Just take it at face value instead of forensically examining each text for its hidden meaning.

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Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:53

But why specifically say that her Dd needs time to be comfortable but that she loves him and Dd…doesn’t that sound odd to you or that her mum would be so excited to see him and Dd. I realise I’m not as important and don’t want to be, obviously my bil isn’t as important to me, although he’s a really nice guy. Just these messages were so obviously excluding me it feels like

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Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:55

@FrozenGhost I *Try to get along, always have done, but she’s always done little things that are v obvious…I thought we’d sort of got on so was a bit surprised. I don’t have people like that in my life

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FrozenGhost · 27/08/2022 23:55

Would it feel authentic though, for her to type in a private message not to you, "I loved seeing OP, it was great". Would you type that about your in laws in a private message? I wouldn't, it's not how I feel, although we get along very well as I said.

FrozenGhost · 27/08/2022 23:56

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:55

@FrozenGhost I *Try to get along, always have done, but she’s always done little things that are v obvious…I thought we’d sort of got on so was a bit surprised. I don’t have people like that in my life

Maybe stop reading the messages if they are upsetting you? I'd have absolutely no idea what my BIL has said about me, I doubt he has ever mentioned me. Why would he and why would it matter?

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Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:57

@FrozenGhost No I wouldn’t specifically say that, but I imagine at some point I’d naturally say ‘Oh it was nice seeing you all’ or ‘We’d love to see you all at Christmas’ or whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️It just seemed so pointed that I wasn’t included in any of the remarks and it was Dh and Dd
I don’t know, I felt weird afterwards, straightaway…maybe I wouldn’t with anyone else

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7eleven · 27/08/2022 23:57

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:36

@7eleven He’s got privacy ffs, he reads it out to me and vice versa normally

Except he didn’t read this text out, with good reason.

Did you not take it as a sign he didn’t want to share this message, even if he normally does? Course you did. That’s why you found an excuse to use his phone.

You snooped and found something you didn’t like. Get over it.

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Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:59

@FrozenGhost Because your bil probably isn’t a fairly toxic person who always shit stirs and causes trouble 🤷🏻‍♀️Most people aren’t

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FrozenGhost · 27/08/2022 23:59

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:57

@FrozenGhost No I wouldn’t specifically say that, but I imagine at some point I’d naturally say ‘Oh it was nice seeing you all’ or ‘We’d love to see you all at Christmas’ or whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️It just seemed so pointed that I wasn’t included in any of the remarks and it was Dh and Dd
I don’t know, I felt weird afterwards, straightaway…maybe I wouldn’t with anyone else

But they are her relatives?

unicornflakegirl · 28/08/2022 00:06

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:59

@FrozenGhost Because your bil probably isn’t a fairly toxic person who always shit stirs and causes trouble 🤷🏻‍♀️Most people aren’t

So with this opinion of SIL you deliberately read her messages to her DB.

Honestly, she may not be nice, she may not like you, but you are causing drama for yourself here and picking holes.
I would not mention BILs or SILs by name when thanking my siblings, it's a given. They come to see me, not my DH, no one is under any illusions.

Ottersmith · 28/08/2022 00:07

If I stay at my sister's I don't go out of my way to thank / mention BIL. They aren't my family and I'm not going to coo over them. It sounds like you don't like her very much and maybe it's because she's a dick generally but it looks like you are looking for reasons to be annoyed now. It definitely was a private message unless it was on a group WhatsApp or something.

FrozenGhost · 28/08/2022 00:08

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:59

@FrozenGhost Because your bil probably isn’t a fairly toxic person who always shit stirs and causes trouble 🤷🏻‍♀️Most people aren’t

Maybe so. You just don't like her and I'm sure thats fair enough, but you asked whether in this particular situation you were being over-sensitive and my opinion is, yes. I don't think it's common to send overly formal "we really enjoyed seeing all of you" texts to a sibling, nor is it common to read a DPs texts.

Now if you asked whether it's OK to dislike her, I would have answered differently. Of course it is, you know her we don't.

maddening · 28/08/2022 00:08

Don't say you saw it but say that his dsis makes you feel uncomfortable and you would rather not see her at Christmas

maddy68 · 28/08/2022 00:15

She is having a conversation with her brother and mentioned her niece.

She isn't excluding you per se she just isn't close to you so she hasn't thought

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Isthisdeliberate · 28/08/2022 00:16

@maddy68 See with anyone else I’d think that, well I wouldn’t even think about it at all, it wouldn’t cross my mind. His reaction was strange also

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greenvelvetcouch · 28/08/2022 00:22

euphigee · 27/08/2022 22:36

It's really difficult to say to be honest. I am in a similar situation( international family) and when my sibling comes to stay she will obviously thank my husband at the end and if he's done anything specific, but she's my sister and would talk about seeing me and the kids, and wouldn't be bothered if my husband visited or not. I think that's normal really and I also am not bothered whether her husband is there when we t travel back, but do thank him when appropriate obviously.

This is so sad. My brother lived abroad for a good few years and I was always just as excited to see his wife as I was him. I guess it’s not abnormal to feel the way you do but I do think it’s such a shame.

greenvelvetcouch · 28/08/2022 00:24

I think it’s really strange on Mumsnet how many people don’t see their in-laws as anything to do with them. That’s not the way anyone I know operates in real life.

Dasher789 · 28/08/2022 00:24

Only you no the real life vibe with SIL. Maybe she doesnt like you and did it deliberately. I dont think anyone else can say because i dont think the message is that abnormal. I dont speak to my SIL except when i see her a couple of times a year. Nothing personal but we dont live close by and have different lives. My DS lives abroad with her partner. Any time i visit, i would only text her saying thanks for having me great to see you. Obviously also happy enough to see her partner but equally they are nothing to do with me. I think it depends how close your family are. Maybe if you were really close and all good friends it would be different but it doesnt sound like thats the case. Its not the case in my family and its not bourne out of any major issues, just how it is.

PartnerInCrime · 28/08/2022 00:39

Your SiL is a nasty piece of work. Live and learn, but be done with her going forward. I wouldn’t spend another second thinking about her or her motives. Who cares is she doesn’t like you? You and many others! I would be indifferent and disinterested toward her the next time you see her.

Overthisnow98 · 28/08/2022 00:47

maddening · 28/08/2022 00:08

Don't say you saw it but say that his dsis makes you feel uncomfortable and you would rather not see her at Christmas

This. You need to address it without fessing up to seeing the message and creating confrontation in the home . Families are weird things and if we had conformed to them in this house we’d never had got anywhere because both sides are bloody weird to be honest. Also , stop caring so much what they think of you. I regularly serve dinner to people I know that hate me for no good reason and I just make sure I do a grand job and then I just go to bed with a fat glass of wine knowing I’m the bigger person. My children all take after me :)

FrozenGhost · 28/08/2022 00:47

greenvelvetcouch · 28/08/2022 00:24

I think it’s really strange on Mumsnet how many people don’t see their in-laws as anything to do with them. That’s not the way anyone I know operates in real life.

I don't think it's not wanting anything to do with them, it's just that they are in laws. Do you really feel the exact same way about your MIL, a woman you presumably met as an adult, as your own mother, the woman who birthed you, breast fed you, raised you, spent every day with you and shares genes with you?

RoundandRound123 · 28/08/2022 00:52

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:28

Never really had good vibes from my sil, she’s a very strong, dominant personality and is often falling out with friends and family and having petty dramas and being angry with people.
Anyway, I’ve always tried to get on with her…really hard!
They’ve been visiting this week and I tried my best to be really welcoming and friendly etc.
Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd, then she mentions how she had a great time with him and our Dds name and how her Dd is a bit quiet now as a teen but loves him and our Dd…literally no inclusion of me whatsoever, no mention of me…just feels a bit gutting after trying my best, cooking for them etc and spending almost the whole week with them on our hols…am I being too sensitive and reading too much into it, or is she really being a bitch? -she has form for it

@Isthisdeliberate to be honest it’s a bit upsetting but this happens a lot in some families and I would not take it personally at all if I were you.

Given your description of the sister, it sounds like they are a “close” family, they are in fact probably an emeshed family. What that tends to mean is most people in the family who didn’t grow up in the family, sort of don’t register as real life characters to them- even if they’ve been in the fold for 20 years or more.

So they often will ignore you, forget to ask after your immediate family, will fail to retain details of your life for later conversations and might even forget to buy you gifts for birthdays and Christmas etc. From what I’ve seen it’s not because the family members don’t like the outsider in particular, it’s just that in the family dynamic they barely count at all.

It can happen when there are particularly controlling/domineering parent(s) in the mix, or more rarely a controlling sibling who must be appeased. This is because this central person in the family makes it all about them one way or another and that tends to be a full time focus- no time to bother yourself with interlopers.

You may get to know her in time, or maybe you will just never quite register, but don’t imagine it’s because of who you are- it’s all about who she is and her status in the family, she probably too caught up in that headspace to realise just how to incredibly dismissive and rude she’s being.

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Isthisdeliberate · 28/08/2022 00:55

@RoundandRound123 Yes you’re probably right

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Isthisdeliberate · 28/08/2022 00:55

It’s so tempting to do a passive aggressive meme…which I never do and hate when people do 🙈

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oneOff12 · 28/08/2022 00:59

Sorry to hear that it’s horrible being excluded in those situations