Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Sil deliberately being a bitch or am I over sensitive?

160 replies

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:28

Never really had good vibes from my sil, she’s a very strong, dominant personality and is often falling out with friends and family and having petty dramas and being angry with people.
Anyway, I’ve always tried to get on with her…really hard!
They’ve been visiting this week and I tried my best to be really welcoming and friendly etc.
Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd, then she mentions how she had a great time with him and our Dds name and how her Dd is a bit quiet now as a teen but loves him and our Dd…literally no inclusion of me whatsoever, no mention of me…just feels a bit gutting after trying my best, cooking for them etc and spending almost the whole week with them on our hols…am I being too sensitive and reading too much into it, or is she really being a bitch? -she has form for it

OP posts:
Josette77 · 27/08/2022 23:14

You should not have snopped. Also they didn't stay with you, she appreciated the two dinners you and your dh made for her. I can't see what she has done wrong.

neurospicy · 27/08/2022 23:18

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:11

@neurospicy Of course she likes them more than me, I’m not trying to make her like me, I am upset about always being treated like crap and I don’t like it even more now Dd is here

Ok well you asked if you are being over sensitive. Yes, you are IMO.

What do you want from posters? You are going to get a range of opinions, not a consensus.

Learn to take the feedback you asked for.

J0y · 27/08/2022 23:19

I agree with poster who says no more hospitality. No more hosting her.
Rise above it all, smile, wave, nod, eat what's put before you, at their mother's house. BUT NEVER HOST HER

I would be comforted by the fact that your husband GETS it. He read her text and was hesitant to read it out to you. He knew it just airbrushed you out.

NovasNest · 27/08/2022 23:19

Honestly I would stop engaging with the posters making inflammatory remarks and personal digs at you OP. They are just after an argument it seems.

I can understand why you would feel hurt by this. There is clearly a back story and a history to the situation/relationships. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now, take it like she was just making conversation with her brother and didn't think to include you as she didn't expect you to see the messages. If she did it purposely, it's asking for a reaction, to cause distrust with your husband. Don't rise to it. Try to forget about it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/08/2022 23:19

Isn't this just a question of semantics? She meant plural use of "you" and for some reason you took it as singular, meaning just him? Is is possible you ARE reading too much into the text based on the tension between you?

I have people texting me all the time and they mean me and DH as a couple. And they just use "you". Especially for something like a family visit at Christmas etc, "you" would definitely mean all of us.

unicornflakegirl · 27/08/2022 23:24

YABU, I have the living abroad dynamic, if we have a visit from my sibling or DNs I would say I loved seeing them, any in-laws, meh, don't love seeing them, siblings know that, wouldn't fake it in a text message that I wouldn't expect to be read by them.
Perfectly polite and welcoming to in-laws, but when they leave it's my own family that I miss.

Being open with phones is one thing but there was absolutely no need to read his messages.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/08/2022 23:25

He read her text and was hesitant to read it out to you. He knew it just airbrushed you out.

He could be equally as hesitant because you have picked holes in things she has said and done before and maybe your tone suggested that you were always going to have an issue with any text from her to him, however it was worded. It's a bit odd, the whole drama of it. You saying that she was asking a load of questions. Obviously we weren't there so don't know the full story but maybe she was just interested in you? Maybe there are just cultural differences - some cultures seem a bit brusque to others because they are straight to the point and others skirt around issues a bit or hold back.

I don't know. How can we really tell the dynamic, it's not possible for us to feel any tension in the air as we weren't there.

Scrambledandfried · 27/08/2022 23:29

🥺

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:29

@CurlyhairedAssassin We’re both from the same place, no cultural differences…
She asked questions about my family and how often they came to stay and how often I saw them etc, it was very pointed, v deliberate and intense and made me uncomfortable. She’s very tough (hard) and often talks about arguing with people etc and how she’s not scared…she’s almost 50, I find it all really odd! It’s not the way I am or want to be

OP posts:
a1poshpaws · 27/08/2022 23:30

@neurospicy I'm so glad that the odds of my meeting you are probably zero - what unkind, judgey, intolerant and holier-than-thou comments you've made to the OP.

@Isthisdeliberate your SIL isn't worth a moment more of your thoughts. Maybe she genuinely didn't mean to exclude you. Fact is though, she did, which illustrates how little you mean to her. Tell your DH that a team of Clydesdales in an 8-horse hitch couldn't drag you to visit anywhere she'll be at Christmas. (Well, actually, don't! LOL) But when the subject comes around tell him nicely that you want a nuclear family Christmas, just him, you and DD.

LeGrandBleu · 27/08/2022 23:30

When I text my sister, I always talk about how much I want to see her and her sons. I never mention my BIL. Not because I don't like him, but because I really love my sister and nephews .
I don't think about BIL, wonder how he is doing, when life is normal. IF there was an issue, yes, I would be concerned but for every day life, no.
Whereas I will text Dsister and ask how she and the boys are doing.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:31

@CurlyhairedAssassin Not semantics…it was definitely *You as in Dh and Dds name, him and her, never all of you etc

OP posts:
neurospicy · 27/08/2022 23:31

a1poshpaws · 27/08/2022 23:30

@neurospicy I'm so glad that the odds of my meeting you are probably zero - what unkind, judgey, intolerant and holier-than-thou comments you've made to the OP.

@Isthisdeliberate your SIL isn't worth a moment more of your thoughts. Maybe she genuinely didn't mean to exclude you. Fact is though, she did, which illustrates how little you mean to her. Tell your DH that a team of Clydesdales in an 8-horse hitch couldn't drag you to visit anywhere she'll be at Christmas. (Well, actually, don't! LOL) But when the subject comes around tell him nicely that you want a nuclear family Christmas, just him, you and DD.

Likewise @a1poshpaws 😂

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:33

@LeGrandBleu Yes I totally get that, I’m the same but I wouldn’t specifically three times only mention my sister for example and her child, if I’d spent all week with them all and was also making plans for Xmas
Also the way she said her Dd is quiet at first until she feels comfortable, but she loves Dh and Dd

OP posts:
7eleven · 27/08/2022 23:34

I can see what you’re hurt, but don’t let it become a thing between you and your husband. Brush it off.

I also agree it wasn’t your message to read. Give your husband some privacy, for goodness sake!

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:36

@7eleven He’s got privacy ffs, he reads it out to me and vice versa normally

OP posts:
Firsttimecatlady · 27/08/2022 23:39

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:41

@neurospicy Its not a private message, we share our messages without issues, both ways, he usually reads them out to me and vice versa and I read to him after my parents visit and they send a nice message..with him included, naturally

I know this isn’t really the point, but I am always so surprised when people do this in couples.

You read everything on the others phone? Look at each other’s messages whenever / whatever (which you must do, to make you reading this one okay).

What about privacy? How can friends or other family contact you about something they might want to remain between them and you? How do you plan surprises? What about- you just are allowed some privacy in a relationship!? Honestly OP- I think this all applies here.

He clearly didn’t want you to know what she’s said to save your feelings and avoid all this. Im all for openness and honesty, but come on- EVERYONE has the right to a bit of privacy!

DappledThings · 27/08/2022 23:44

I can well imagine SIL sending DH a message like this and definitely meaning just him and the DC. It's fine. We get on fine but we aren't close. I can't imagine she is remotely bothered about seeing me but nor am I her. No problem with her but I wouldn't see her if it wasn't for DH.

If she were to invite him with the DC and not me for Christmas it would be quite weird but DH would laugh at the idea. It's too silly to be offensive.

Christinatherabbit · 27/08/2022 23:45

I think you are reading too much into it 🤷‍♀️

Pillowbed · 27/08/2022 23:46

Yep! Definitely strikes me as being a bit mean and unkind. It would make me not want to put myself out for her. Wouldn't catch me assisting with her birthday/Xmas gifts etc

Christinatherabbit · 27/08/2022 23:47

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:36

@7eleven He’s got privacy ffs, he reads it out to me and vice versa normally

Why do you read each others messages out loud (or your own to each other) I don't get it. In 10 years me and my husband have never done this....

FrozenGhost · 27/08/2022 23:48

anydream · 27/08/2022 23:12

My sister lives abroad. I like her husband but I wouldn't care if I didn't see him. When she visits I would text to say "lovely to see you and the children" and wouldn't think to specifically mention him... As I don't know him as well as her (or my other in-laws who live here so I see them more often) I wouldn't think to mention him specifically. It's not deliberately unkind; it's just he would be an afterthought for me...

Same here. I really like my BIL and couldn't ask for a better one but if he couldn't make a visit I wouldn't be bothered. And I wouldn't send a text to my sister gushing about how it was so nice to see him, on the off chance he might read it and be offended. And then to split hairs over whether she thanked you enough for the visit, well she thanked us generally but I can't remember if she thanked me specifically... It does come across like you don't like her and are looking for reasons to critisize.

I think you are being too sensitive, sorry.

FrozenGhost · 27/08/2022 23:50

And my sister knows that any invite to her for a family type event, especially one involving international travel, includes her DP so there wouldn't be any need to specify. Could that be the case here as well?

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:50

@Christinatherabbit Not always 🙈
For example: this week he’s been reading them out to me from her as we’ve been making plans and he’s said ‘Ok *Sisters name..says they’ll be ready at 11, can we meet at such and such etc…
Or when my parents have been ill say to him I had a message from my dad thanking us and saying they had a great time with us all..,the odd thing like that, not all
messages etc

OP posts:
Josette77 · 27/08/2022 23:52

But you suspected he didn't want you to read her message and you went and snooped. He doesn't have privacy from you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread