Is Sil deliberately being a bitch or am I over sensitive?

[Isthisdeliberate]

Never really had good vibes from my sil, she’s a very strong, dominant personality and is often falling out with friends and family and having petty dramas and being angry with people.
Anyway, I’ve always tried to get on with her…really hard!
They’ve been visiting this week and I tried my best to be really welcoming and friendly etc.
Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd, then she mentions how she had a great time with him and our Dds name and how her Dd is a bit quiet now as a teen but loves him and our Dd…literally no inclusion of me whatsoever, no mention of me…just feels a bit gutting after trying my best, cooking for them etc and spending almost the whole week with them on our hols…am I being too sensitive and reading too much into it, or is she really being a bitch? -she has form for it

"Nice people would acknowledge both hosts."

I think this is true of friends, acquaintances, extended family.

I am not sure you have to formally thank both hosts in a chatty text to your sibling.

I would thank my sis and my BIL it's his home as well. Nobody says you have to coo over anyone but thanking someone is common courtesy

She thanked OP in person. There's really no need to do a second time, especially not in a private message intended only for her own brother.

As an aside; I would be really upset if I was texting a friend in confidence and found out her husband was able to read every word I said.

Phone "snooping", the worst of all mortal sins according to Mumsnet. 🙄
FFS give it a rest.

I agree personally. I think you and DH need to reassess your boundaries OP.

I think it must be a younger poster dynamic. I don't know any friends of mine that would snoop on their partner's phone. It makes me think that the OP is not a very nice person and quite controlling. Perhaps your SIL suspects that you are ready to pounce on anything she says to her brother and so she is wary about saying anything.

For me it's the denying of the snooping. Just own it.

I'm wondering if it's supposed to demonstrate how close the relationship is - like those people who boast about how they never argue.

OP should at least have the balls to admit it. She DID snoop. What other reason was there to read private messages from her SIL?

That is really rude to the people texting him. If I text a friend I expect it to be private, or I would have texted their partner at the same time.

@DuckDuckNo Phone snooping is always ok for female posters on MN it would appear. Just to check that their partner is having text messages she approves of and to check that no one is saying anything about her. In this case the snooping reveals that the sender has said absolutely nothing about the snooper and the snooper is still upset.
Can you imagine the uproar if a man snooped on his partner's phone and was upset to find his wife's sister or mother hadn't mentioned him.
As I said before the controlling of text message content through snooping makes me feel queasy.

So somehow this became that i’m the person to blame 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s difficult to understand with all the other things that have happened, but it feels like another snub…but because I’ve been thinking about how this is a normal occurrence for her to fall out with friends…and even her own family, I’m not getting involved, I don’t live like that and haven’t ever been in that situation before. I’m just too sensitive and just felt a bit hurt, but I know I just need to always keep my barriers up with this person and that’s sadly just the way it is

If you are so 'sensitive' imagine how you might feel if your husband snooped on your texts to your family. I think it is the snooping and checking up on your partner that many posters object to. You are obviously allowed to dislike your SIL (and you clearly do dislike her) but she is your husband's sister, his flesh and blood, and he is bound to be upset by conflict between his wife and his family.
Just let it go. When you see your SIL, be lovely to her for your husband's sake. Otherwise you can avoid her company and encourage your husband to take your daughter to visit his family on his own. You will probably be more comfortable and more tolerant if you see less of your SIL and you 'allow' your husband to have his own relationship with his sister.

Also, imagine if your husband snooped on your MN account and saw that you had referred to his sister as a 'bitch' (which you have done) . You would feel very uncomfortable but also defensive because it would be quite wrong for any decent partner to snoop in this way, I am sure you would agree?

That bothers me hugely too. Likewise phone calls which I later discover were on speaker at a friend's end and her husband and kids were listening.

@Teddletime You really have no idea

@Isthisdeliberate I'm only going on the info in your posts. I don't know you and your situation personally but you chose to post about the situation in AIBU. I do think you are unreasonable to snoop on your husband's phone and suggest that his sister is a 'bitch' for not mentioning you in a private text to her brother.

@toktick I agree with you regarding friends' privacy.

I don't think that reading a partner's private messages is as widespread as Mumsnet might suggest. When people mention it it is usually in context of showing how open they are with their partner, either to justify what they have seen on someone else's phone or to berate an OP for not being the same.

I suspect in real life most people have a greater respect for others' autonomy and privacy.

The message to your brother was clear and she was being goady. You know what she is like and your husband knows which is why he looked uncomfortable.
I would say and do nothing because if you do react in any way you are playing right into her hands and joining in the game which is what it is to her - a game.

@blockpavingismynightmare Why though, what’s the point of her doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’m ok if I know that Dh knows that she was doing it and will then know what she’s like.
Trying hard to rise above

To blame for what? Nothing has happened.

WRT to the 'snooping' maybe that's not the word you would use, but you've described knowing your DH received a message, being curious about the contents and then taking his phone to read it word for word. Deliberately.

That is in no way similar to something like 'I had DH phone in my hand inputting a postcode in google maps while he was driving and a WhatsApp message popped up on the screen.

You deliberately read her message looking for something to be annoyed about.

And now you are annoyed.

She can't help being like that. Some people just are and they will never change. You can't argue with a person like this because you will always be wrong and entering into the argument makes you look all the worse.
She is the aggressor here - not you. You did nothing wrong. You are an easy target for her because she puts herself above you and wants to grind you down.
Your husband is a bit of a dick for not saying a thing

I don't really understand why you are so invested in your SIL and what she thinks/does/says.

Maybe she is just a bitch.

Maybe she doesn't like you - that is allowed. I absolutely cannot abide either of my BILS and don't ever mention them in communications with my sisters.

I used to get all worked up if I thought someone didn't like me, and I would try to make them like me, even if I didn't like them. Then I realised what a pathetic waste of my time and energy that all was.

Stop giving this person so much space in your head.

You give this woman far too much headspace OP.
You know she's not pleasant & has form for falling out with all & sundry, so why bother feeling snubbed, why bother trying to make her think more of you?

It doesn't matter what she writes, or does not write about you.
What she thinks about you need have no bearing on your life whatsoever.

Why though, what’s the point of her doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’m ok if I know that Dh knows that she was doing it and will then know what she’s like.
Trying hard to rise above
When you have genuinely managed to rise above, you will not care a jot why she does it, or even that DH agrees with you. You'll just accept that you don't get on with her, & vice versa, & need only do the bare minimum in terms of being cordial & polite around each other.

As to the uncomfortable interrogation - it sounds like this won't happen frequently as you barely spend any time with SiL anyway. But if she does it again - stop letting her!
Learn the Grey Rock technique, & just bat it all away. You have no obligation to answer a barrage of questions.
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

OP Your husband is the vehicle here for her to behave like this. The buck stops with him. He is allowing her to hurt you. He is the twat here. She is a bitch but he is worse for condoning her bitchfuckery.

Exactly. What she thinks of you really doesn't matter.