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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Sil deliberately being a bitch or am I over sensitive?

160 replies

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:28

Never really had good vibes from my sil, she’s a very strong, dominant personality and is often falling out with friends and family and having petty dramas and being angry with people.
Anyway, I’ve always tried to get on with her…really hard!
They’ve been visiting this week and I tried my best to be really welcoming and friendly etc.
Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd, then she mentions how she had a great time with him and our Dds name and how her Dd is a bit quiet now as a teen but loves him and our Dd…literally no inclusion of me whatsoever, no mention of me…just feels a bit gutting after trying my best, cooking for them etc and spending almost the whole week with them on our hols…am I being too sensitive and reading too much into it, or is she really being a bitch? -she has form for it

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:48

@Meraas Tbf they didn’t stay with us, stayed nearby but came over twice, but it’s just the messages about how great it was seeing -Dh and Dd, how her Dd loves Dh and Dd and how their mum can’t wait to see Dh and Dd…Do I not exist I mean 🙈

OP posts:
Hairday · 27/08/2022 22:49

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:46

@Hairday i don’t need or expect a thank you, she wasn’t thanking him, she was saying how much she loved seeing him and our Dd, how her Dd loved seeing him and her Dd and how their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd if they went over.,,zero mention of me or even..’It was so nice seeing you all’ who does that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, of course their mother wants to see her son and grandchild. I'm sure she didn't mean without you, why would she? She probably left him to talk it over with you. Of course you would be invited too.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/08/2022 22:52

I don't think that you are being sensitive.

I'd bet she knows exactly what she doing by sweet thanking DH.

Why else would she exclude you other than being bloody rude.

Longdistance · 27/08/2022 22:52

Well, if I wrote a message to someone that hosted us, regardless if it was my family or dhs, it would say ‘thank you for hosting us, it was lovely to see you ALL’.

saraclara · 27/08/2022 22:53

FFS, she was taking to her brother. Of course she said how nice it was to see him. He's her brother, she loves him and misses him. She barely knows you and she wasn't messaging you.

Had she had reason to message you, maybe she would have said it was nice to meet you. But you're being way over sensitive, and expecting her to see you both in the same way, and enjoy being with you to the same extent, is just odd.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:54

Sorry, just to explain, my fault for not putting clearly in the opening post. They didn’t stay with us as in at our house, but nearby. They came over twice-for dinner etc. Her messages weren’t thanking him but saying how she loved seeing him and Dd and how her Dd loves him and our Dd

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 27/08/2022 22:56

Did she thank you for the dinners though?

UWhatNow · 27/08/2022 22:56

“You and your DH sound incredibly enmeshed.”

D’uh yeah. That’s the very definition of marriage isn’t it? Your post is very bitchy @neurospicy - not nice!

Op - Yes your SIL is excluding you which is a form of bullying. Ok, she only texted her DB but to erase you from the picture, and the fact that he was sheepish speaks volumes.

I wouldn’t give a shit that you read his phone - you did and it tells you all you need to know about dearest SIL. It’s a no to further visits and ok to Christmas. You don’t need unappreciative toxic bitches in your life - even if they are related to your husband.

UWhatNow · 27/08/2022 22:57

No to Christmas! Not ok…

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:57

She briefly thanked him for a great week

@girlmom21 He didn’t reply to her last message saying how her Dd is quiet until she feels comfortable but that she loves him and our Dd

OP posts:
neurospicy · 27/08/2022 22:58

UWhatNow · 27/08/2022 22:56

“You and your DH sound incredibly enmeshed.”

D’uh yeah. That’s the very definition of marriage isn’t it? Your post is very bitchy @neurospicy - not nice!

Op - Yes your SIL is excluding you which is a form of bullying. Ok, she only texted her DB but to erase you from the picture, and the fact that he was sheepish speaks volumes.

I wouldn’t give a shit that you read his phone - you did and it tells you all you need to know about dearest SIL. It’s a no to further visits and ok to Christmas. You don’t need unappreciative toxic bitches in your life - even if they are related to your husband.

No, the definition of a healthy marriage isn't enmeshed.

Op. When you said this bit were you talking about your SIL or yourself? "she’s a very strong, dominant personality and is often falling out with friends and family and having petty dramas and being angry with people."

Because it is ridiculous drama to be cross that your SIL was happy to see your husband and told him so in a private message. Honestly, have a look at yourself.

You are the drama.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:58

@saraclara Why does she barely know me 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣we’ve been together almost 25 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:59

@DenholmElliot1 Not personally…possibly on the night or said it was nice

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 27/08/2022 23:00

Op isn’t the drama. Her bitchy SIL is. Nice people would acknowledge both hosts.

euphigee · 27/08/2022 23:00

I think that maybe you are feeling a bit used in that you put the effort into their visit but didn't get anything back, and are now thinking why did I bother.
The message was sent to your husband though and it's perfectly normal not to mention you in a private message
. That doesn't mean to say that she couldn't have thanked you and say that she looks forward to seeing you back in the Uk or something like that when you were together in person. 2 different things though

girlmom21 · 27/08/2022 23:01

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:59

@DenholmElliot1 Not personally…possibly on the night or said it was nice

So she might have thanked you but you can't remember?

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:03

@girlmom21 For the meal they came for? She didn’t specifically thank me, said the food was nice (the bit that Dh did 🤣) may have said thanks when given the food, not sure

OP posts:
Holly60 · 27/08/2022 23:05

So I think the fact that you were looking at a message that she thought was private is significant.

If she KNEW you would see it - not nice.

BUT she thought it was a private message to her brother telling him how much she enjoyed seeing him. Probably a bit insensitive but not mean.

Would have been nice of her to also send you a message to say she enjoyed seeing you.

Maybe you could text her and say it was lovely to see her. See what she says in return.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:05

@neurospicy Ok 😂

She is constantly falling out with her own family and friends, drama on Fb etc…I’ve never had that and don’t engage and hate all that crap,
Being completely honest, I am a sensitive person at times, but also the way she’s been with me before and others, this is the reason I’m taking it to heart…I wouldn’t with anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:08

@Holly60 But even if she was texting it, thinking I wouldn’t see it, it’s also sort of strange that she could be deliberately not even acknowledging me to Dh if that makes sense. My texts off parents and sister when they’ve come to see us are meant for me and sent to me but always include him, it’s just normal, they don’t even think about it

OP posts:
neurospicy · 27/08/2022 23:08

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:05

@neurospicy Ok 😂

She is constantly falling out with her own family and friends, drama on Fb etc…I’ve never had that and don’t engage and hate all that crap,
Being completely honest, I am a sensitive person at times, but also the way she’s been with me before and others, this is the reason I’m taking it to heart…I wouldn’t with anyone else.

Honestly, disengage.

She is allowed to like her brother and niece more than you.

Stop trying to make her like you.

It doesn't matter.

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:09

@Holly60 Also, I don’t know if she did know I wouldn’t see it, as I say, Dh would often tell me and I’d pass on what my parents say etc,
It was weird how he looked when I asked him if they got off ok and if she messaged or anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:11

@neurospicy Of course she likes them more than me, I’m not trying to make her like me, I am upset about always being treated like crap and I don’t like it even more now Dd is here

OP posts:
anydream · 27/08/2022 23:12

My sister lives abroad. I like her husband but I wouldn't care if I didn't see him. When she visits I would text to say "lovely to see you and the children" and wouldn't think to specifically mention him... As I don't know him as well as her (or my other in-laws who live here so I see them more often) I wouldn't think to mention him specifically. It's not deliberately unkind; it's just he would be an afterthought for me...

Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 23:13

Yes excluding. I’d just clock who she is, and draw your own boundaries. Nothing much else you can do. My SIL once asked DH, in front of me, that he was very welcome to go to hers for Christmas. We had kids at the time. I said we are going to my families. She repeated. Well, DH is very welcome at hers!

Such a cheek. At the time I glossed over it, thinking she surely couldn’t be that rude. A few years later, she was really nasty to me. So think long term, think protection, don’t let her get to you and separate things out!

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