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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Sil deliberately being a bitch or am I over sensitive?

160 replies

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 22:28

Never really had good vibes from my sil, she’s a very strong, dominant personality and is often falling out with friends and family and having petty dramas and being angry with people.
Anyway, I’ve always tried to get on with her…really hard!
They’ve been visiting this week and I tried my best to be really welcoming and friendly etc.
Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd, then she mentions how she had a great time with him and our Dds name and how her Dd is a bit quiet now as a teen but loves him and our Dd…literally no inclusion of me whatsoever, no mention of me…just feels a bit gutting after trying my best, cooking for them etc and spending almost the whole week with them on our hols…am I being too sensitive and reading too much into it, or is she really being a bitch? -she has form for it

OP posts:
greenvelvetcouch · 28/08/2022 01:04

@FrozenGhost I adore my mother in law. She’s not a mother to me and I obviously differentiate between my mother and her, but I care about her deeply and completely consider her a member of my family in the exact same way my Mum is a member of my family. With DH’s siblings or with my sibling’s partners I feel the exact same way about them as I do my siblings. We’re seeing some family next weekend and I am looking forward to seeing my sister’s husband just as much I am my sister!

And I certainly consider all my in laws family, and so does everyone I know really. It’s only on Mumsnet that I hear people saying their in-laws are “nothing to do with them.” I struggle to understand how these people can be strangers.

greenvelvetcouch · 28/08/2022 01:14

My main point is that OP shouldn’t feel that she should just accept this treatment from SIL as there are many families that wouldn’t ever send messages like that. Sounds like SIL is a massive 🐄

Original poster
Isthisdeliberate · 28/08/2022 01:27

@greenvelvetcouch I agree with you and so wish I had lovely in laws like you! My family is like that to Dh, I mean why not try to get on and be close, we’ll all be in each other’s lives a long time. I’ve always tried but each time I feel shit afterwards and confused!

OP posts:
londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 01:32

Yanbu she sounds horrible. I think she is deliberately excluding you. It's rude. You've cooked and done everything she could have either texted to thank you via your phone or mentioned you. I would just be polite in future but dont do extra. Don't be intimidated by someone so awful.

roundpegsquareholes · 28/08/2022 05:42

She might be being horrible, but it really sounds like you are looking for drama. The message wasn't meant for you. She was talking to her brother privately. You have her dinner twice on her visit, which she thanked you for.
She didn't say she enjoyed seeing you and it may be an accidental or deliberate omission- maybe she doesn't like you- but she's not criticising you to her brother.
It sounds like you don't like her (either) so just be civil fgs and don't put a meme up over two cooked dinners and omission in a private text!

saraclara · 28/08/2022 05:52

Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd,

I have tried to work or how this could possibly be worded so that it excluded you. And I've found it next to impossible.
"I hope you (and just you, not isthis) can come over at Christmas"?
Nope, the 'you' was clearly plural in her message, and you're choosing to read it in a way that feeds your dislike of her and your wish to see her in a bad light and to feel wronged.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2022 06:38

Isthisdeliberate · 27/08/2022 23:36

@7eleven He’s got privacy ffs, he reads it out to me and vice versa normally

But he chose not to read this message out to you and you went and read it anyway. That's a breach of his privacy.

notanothertakeaway · 28/08/2022 06:40

I think her message is ok. It wasn't intended for your eyes. She probably didn't expect you to be sharing phones aka snooping

deeperthanallroses · 28/08/2022 06:47

saraclara · 28/08/2022 05:52

Shes texted Dh on way home saying she so hopes he can come over at Xmas (we live abroad) and that their mum would be so excited to see him and our Dd,

I have tried to work or how this could possibly be worded so that it excluded you. And I've found it next to impossible.
"I hope you (and just you, not isthis) can come over at Christmas"?
Nope, the 'you' was clearly plural in her message, and you're choosing to read it in a way that feeds your dislike of her and your wish to see her in a bad light and to feel wronged.

Is this possible op? Was it literally I hope you can come over for Christmas?
if it was more specifically I hope your dh and dd can come for Christmas then no chance I’d go.

notanothertakeaway · 28/08/2022 07:28

AIBU?

Yes, a bit

No, I'm really not

So, why ask opinions?

hop321 · 28/08/2022 07:32

Sorry but I think you're being a bit sensitive over the message.

It's the type of thing I'd send to my brother or sister and I wouldn't necessarily reference their partners in my message, but would mention the kids.

hop321 · 28/08/2022 07:36

I think it’s really strange on Mumsnet how many people don’t see their in-laws as anything to do with them. That’s not the way anyone I know operates in real life.

Mine came yesterday as it happens. We get on well but they're in a different category to my parents and siblings.

There's a closeness and shared history from growing up together that's pretty unique. And some weird family habits and sayings that are probably incomprehensible to others.

That's fine, I don't feel the need to analyse whether I'm missing out or being excluded in my husband's communications with his family. In fact, I'm sometimes relieved to be one stage removed from it.

Being rude in person is different.

Teddletime · 28/08/2022 07:53

I'm old and I have been with my lovely husband forever. I have never snooped on his phone. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to even think about doing so.
He rings and texts his sister regularly. I might ask if she is ok. Sometimes he shows me a photo or video of her grandchildren and I'm sure he sends her stuff as well.
I find it uncomfortable that so many posters think it is their right to police their partner's phone and pick apart private messages.
Ditto, I know my husband has zero interest in my phone or in private messages. Neither of us would ever snoop in any capacity.
So many female posters on here seem to think it is their human right to snoop and put two and two together to make five.
However, I have seen such fury on here when a male partner looks at their phone.
Perhaps it's a young poster thing to snoop? Makes me feel queasy.
It seems to me that the OP is looking to make drama out of nothing.

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2022 07:57

I read it that she was trying to connect with her brother. Like reinforce family ties, even though they are in different countries. If she's nearly 50 she's got menopause stuff going on and as we age you start to get sentimental about family. As said it wasn't meant for you to read. The 'you' used could have meant both of you and then as I said, she's tried to tell her brother how she feels. You not liking her is making you read this wrong. If she had been gushing about being accommodated as though you didn't have a part in it, then yes, but she isn't, she's letting her brother know that he's missed.

Teddletime · 28/08/2022 07:58

In fact, I think snooping on someone's phone to find ammunition to use against his family whom he loves, is controlling and would make me question the relationship.

mountainsunsets · 28/08/2022 08:14

I really don't see an issue with what she said at all. It all sounds very normal to me.

She was talking to her brother. Presumably with the fairly basic expectation that the messages were private and between siblings. She didn't say anything rude or nasty or offensive - she was talking about how she enjoyed seeing her brother and niece, and then said how much their mum
would love to see them - that's normal.

Your DH should be able to talk to his sister in private without worrying about you taking offence or reading the messages. Stop putting him in awkward situations and stop reading his texts! It's inappropriate and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have done it behind his back.

londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 09:27

I dint think OP snooped. If they are open with their phones then it isn't snooping. I'm v open with my phone with my DP and absolutely wouldn't think he was snooping if he looked at my messages.

londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 09:30

Ottersmith · 28/08/2022 00:07

If I stay at my sister's I don't go out of my way to thank / mention BIL. They aren't my family and I'm not going to coo over them. It sounds like you don't like her very much and maybe it's because she's a dick generally but it looks like you are looking for reasons to be annoyed now. It definitely was a private message unless it was on a group WhatsApp or something.

Wow I find this so odd. I would thank my sis and my BIL it's his home as well. Nobody says you have to coo over anyone but thanking someone is common courtesy. I'm curious to know how saying and "pls extend my appreciation to BIL" or something similar going out of your way? I am genuinely curious.

justfiveminutes · 28/08/2022 09:32

When I visit my sister, I am excited to see her and my nieces but am not very bothered about seeing her partner.

I get on with him, and he's a nice person, and we all get along when we are together - but I'm afraid that I don't love him in the same way, and can imagine sending a text about our weekends together that don't mention her partner.

Tbh I don't really understand why you are upset by that text. She hasn't said anything unkind about you. She didn't even expect you to see it. Saying nice things about her brother isn't a criticism of you.

When you asked your partner whether sil had text, what were you expecting really? Did you hope she'd say nice things about you and then feel disappointed? Did she thank you for anything while she was at your house, give you a hug as she left, things like that? I don't know that anything more was required really.

londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 09:33

Firsttimecatlady · 27/08/2022 23:39

I know this isn’t really the point, but I am always so surprised when people do this in couples.

You read everything on the others phone? Look at each other’s messages whenever / whatever (which you must do, to make you reading this one okay).

What about privacy? How can friends or other family contact you about something they might want to remain between them and you? How do you plan surprises? What about- you just are allowed some privacy in a relationship!? Honestly OP- I think this all applies here.

He clearly didn’t want you to know what she’s said to save your feelings and avoid all this. Im all for openness and honesty, but come on- EVERYONE has the right to a bit of privacy!

Show quote history

He wanted to save her feelings and all of this because he knows it's not quite right.

Unfortunately OP not everyone is going to like you. It's just unfortunate that in this case it is your SIL.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2022 09:33

londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 09:27

I dint think OP snooped. If they are open with their phones then it isn't snooping. I'm v open with my phone with my DP and absolutely wouldn't think he was snooping if he looked at my messages.

It is snooping if you're reading someone's messages to find out what they've said...

londonlass71 · 28/08/2022 09:34

UWhatNow · 27/08/2022 23:00

Op isn’t the drama. Her bitchy SIL is. Nice people would acknowledge both hosts.

^THIS 100%%^

justfiveminutes · 28/08/2022 09:34

If your hunch is right and she really doesn't like you then does it really matter, since you really don't like her either?

maddy68 · 28/08/2022 09:35

justfiveminutes · 28/08/2022 09:32

When I visit my sister, I am excited to see her and my nieces but am not very bothered about seeing her partner.

I get on with him, and he's a nice person, and we all get along when we are together - but I'm afraid that I don't love him in the same way, and can imagine sending a text about our weekends together that don't mention her partner.

Tbh I don't really understand why you are upset by that text. She hasn't said anything unkind about you. She didn't even expect you to see it. Saying nice things about her brother isn't a criticism of you.

When you asked your partner whether sil had text, what were you expecting really? Did you hope she'd say nice things about you and then feel disappointed? Did she thank you for anything while she was at your house, give you a hug as she left, things like that? I don't know that anything more was required really.

Completely agree with this.

She's just excited to spend time with her brother and niece. It's not that she's excluding you. But you are an "accessory". I'm sure she likes you but she doesn't love you. That's perfectly normal. Tbh I'm not overly keen on any of my in laws. They are really nice people but I don't "love" them

toktick · 28/08/2022 09:38

Those of you who are open with your phones and are happy to read each other's messages do your friends and family know you do this?

When I message a friend I don't expect her DH to have free access to anything I say,

Do you think about your friend's privacy at all? I messaged a friend privately yesterday after my DD's autism assessment. I considered that information to be between her and me but there are several people on this thread who seem to have no qualms whatsoever about breaching their friend's privacy which I find quite concerning and tbh will probably make me reach out to friends less now.

Which is a shame because many of my really close friends aren't local so it just means I won't share private details of my life.

I honestly hadn't realised how many people there are out there who feel perfectly entitled to share it private information without the consent of the people who gave them that information.