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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DDs friends fudging meet-up

160 replies

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:06

There is a back story, but for now, I’d like opinions on this one incident only, as I’m obviously reacting based on everything, ever…

There is an event in town. It’s time specific (as in, between the hours of noon and 3 PM, but spread out throughout town, so not in one specific spot so many people around that there’s no chance to find someone unless you know when and where to look).

DD(10) and a couple of friends (also 10) planned to go together. Everyone of them lives on the outskirts of town, a couple of miles out, and very close to each other. DD was really excited. First time in town on her own, with friends etc.

I asked what time they’d be going. DD said they’d agreed to leave at 1. I asked if they were meeting up on the corner (where all three of their paths would cross, about 1,5 miles from town, so still quite a way) but she said no, they agreed everyone would set off from home at 1 and that they’d meet up by a cafe in town. I thought that was a bit odd (why not bike together?) but didn’t question it.

At noon, I was in town myself and bumped into the two friends. I said hi, they replied, but looked a bit sheepish and walked off. I’d already gone into a shop, but went back out again to ask if they were supposed to meet up already. One replied ”we said we’d meet here” and I replied I know, but that DD thought they were setting off at 1 so maybe she’d got the time wrong. ”We thought we’d come a bit earlier to avoid the heavy traffic around the parade” she said. I replied that was good thinking, and asked if DD was aware. The other one said ”we can call her”. I said lovely, went back in the shop and when I came back out she was on her phone. On the way home I met a flustered DD who told me one of the girls had called her to say they were changing the time.

I think they’d planned to go at the start of the event all along, and obviously biked together. Why they’d tell DD to set off more than an hour later, I don’t know. Whether they were even going to be around when she actually turned up or not, I’m not sure.

But I am fuming at the, in my view, bitchiness and heartbroken for DD who is excited and thinks they’re BFFs.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LoveBugBride · 27/08/2022 14:13

That does seem like a very mean thing to do. I think your DD needs some new friends.

chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 14:16

Maybe they wanted some time just the two of them together before meeting DD. They may have wanted to discuss personal matters without DD present.

Original poster

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:17

Oh - and just to add, the main event was at 12.30 apparently, so anyone leaving at 1 would miss it.

OP posts:

Cognacsoft · 27/08/2022 14:18

Yes that's mean.
However it happens a lot unfortunately.

Original poster

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:24

Thank you for your replies, seems like my gut was right…

Chillipenguin, while I get that - why not meet up at the corner a bit earlier? Instead of getting DD to leave late enough to miss the main thing and navigate the heavy traffic that the other two were worried about, alone? To me, it seems that the main thing here was leaving DD on her own.

OP posts:

NWQM · 27/08/2022 14:24

Its odd and potentially upsetting. What does your DD think happened?

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2022 14:27

They sound like they’re not your DD’s good friends. Three’s a crowd, and all that. They were clearly feeling guilty as soon as they saw you.

I’m sorry. At 10, I’d be doing all I could to encourage alternative friendships if at all possible.

Original poster

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:28

NWQM she thinks she got the call just as the plans changed and that everyone got there as she did, just in time for the main thing. Seems they didn’t tell her they’d seen me and I’d prompted them… and I don’t really want to point that out to her.

OP posts:

goldenbag · 27/08/2022 14:33

I've had similar with my DD, but she did realise what was happening (it was a lot more obvious in our particular case).

I was at the same event and witnessed it. My approach has been to encourage DD to see that she is the better person "how rude!" Etc etc and to hang out with other people. Luckily it's worked so far, but doesn't always. Sorry OP, it's rotten. But I just keep trying to reinforce that it's the other ones who want to learn some manners etc and this does seem to help.

imagiantwitch · 27/08/2022 14:43

I think you should tell your DD the truth, hard as it is. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. These girls aren’t her friends. I’d encourage other friendships instead.

imagiantwitch · 27/08/2022 14:43

What’s the back story? I’m guessing this isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this, so it certainly won’t be the last.

custardbear · 27/08/2022 14:44

I guess that 3 is a crowd and your daughter is the outlier unfortunately

Mumspair1 · 27/08/2022 14:47

Wow that was so bitchy of them. They clearly planned this. I would ask your dd how the day went and see first If they mentioned bumping into you.

KatherineJaneway · 27/08/2022 14:52

Sounds like they don't want to be friends with her but can't think of a way to severe the friendship so try and make her feel awful so she will make the break.

Summerfun54321 · 27/08/2022 14:54

Total bitches. Subtly encourage your DD to make new friends. Maybe she could start a club or sport that would help build new friendships.

Original poster

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:55

The short version of the backstory is that the ”three is a crowd” mentality is actively encouraged by one of the other girl’s parents.
Her mother even told me as much - that ”everyone knows three girls can not work, girls have to play two and two”. She has also tried to get the school to get involved and split the threesome up, which the school won’t do as they see three girls happily playing together.

(The other girl’s parents don’t share this view, and have invited DD and all 3 over several times…)

Small village, so unfortunately not possible to encourage other friendships. Part of me feels I should let her enjoy whatever crumbs she can get, part of me feels this is going to ruin her view of herself and friendships forever as she’s bound to feel pushed out or only ”worthy of crumbs”.

OP posts:

Thethreecs · 27/08/2022 14:57

Your poor dd, some kids are just arseholes. There's always a few throughout life that can't stand sharing a friendship. I had it with all my girls, not the boys, the girls can be bitches. You'll find there's one ring leader who makes the plans, tells everyone what they are doing, decide who's invited, go off with another friend and leave the other behind. They actually carry this behaviour into adult life. Your dd all excited and then 2 off being sneaky yokes.

Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 14:58

I would tell her the truth, and ask if it’s happened before - if it hasn’t chalk it up to a misunderstanding. Use it as an opportunity to talk to her about what good friendships look like. Loyalty, honesty and trust etc and perhaps ensure she has a bigger network so she can ‘spread her bets’ so to speak. As a mother of teens I am sorry to say a thicker skin will be required, and not getting too emotional about it, it happens, a lot!

smileandsing · 27/08/2022 15:02

Is your DD 10 or was that a typo? You say you all live a couple of miles out of town and they were going to meet 1.5 miles away to go to a busy event where there was no way they'd find eachother if they didn't arrange to meet first. As you didn't say I presume no parents were going to be supervising. This isn't something I'd consider letting my nearly 10 year old do, never mind the behaviour of your DDs supposed friends, who were really out of order. But then they're 10 so you can't really expect them to behave like anything other than kids.
Take her to the event yourself and make sure she has a really good time, ir do something else altogether without these girls

Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 15:04

Expand outside the village. Your dc need friends of all kinds. The other mother wants a ‘best friend’ for her dd, it seems she is causing a lot of this bad feeling. I would probably speak to her in your position and remind her it is a small village and she wouldn’t like her child left out of the situation was reversed. I would say to her you are very welcoming of her child and expect the same for your child. Calling it out is better calmly and politely is better that being grateful.

KatherineJaneway · 27/08/2022 15:10

Such a hard decision. I was on the edge of a three l like your dd, I think their parents didn't approve as my family didn't have money or any "standing" in the community. One day we'd finished an extra circular activity (us three friends) and were due to go to my friends house where I'd be picked up. Apparently there was 'not enough room in the car', (but clearly enough room for the other friend out of the three of us, but not me) they offered to take my bags but I had to walk half an hour to their home. They didn't even offer to drive back to get me and it would not have been a long journey for them to come back for me. I felt like shit.

I wish I learned then that they were not my friends and did not treat me well and I would have been better off relying on myself than begging for friendship crumbs from their table.

Original poster

Menomama · 27/08/2022 15:13

Thank you all so much, it’s really helping me sorting out my thoughts and feelings.

DD has hobbies further away, but a) she’s limited to the kids at school, at school and in and around the village and b) the kids she knows from hobbies live further away.

Smile: as I said, this was the first time in town with friends - that was the point and that’s why she was excited. Going with me is not going to be the same and at most a rubbish consolation prize. I have no concerns from a safety point of view. We’re not in the UK if that makes a difference.

All girls had phones with them, so were able to reach any adults if needed, and each other (as I wrote, one volunteered to call DD) but my point about the big area, lots of people, was more that it’s not like agreeing to meet in a restaurant where you won’t have to agree on a specific table, you’ll see each other anyway… and that if they were going to leave DD out she wouldn’t have been able to look and easily find them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Menomama · 27/08/2022 15:16

Katherine: I am so sorry that happened to you, what awful behaviour from the parents (adults!!) in that situation… also, thank you for sharing as that’s exactly what my worry is regarding DD. That she’ll see herself as ”wrong” and not ”wronged”.

OP posts:

chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 15:19

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:28

Ah I see what you're saying now. Yes seems they were caught out. I wouldn't say anything to your DD.

CourtneeLuv · 27/08/2022 15:23

I'd encourage her to make new friendsm these 2 sound like right bitches.

One of our group did something similar to me once. We'd agreed to see a film and my bus was late. So when I got there I went into the film we'd agreed on, but couldn't see them and watched the film sitting on my own. When the film finished, I expected to find them but they weren't there. When I came out, the girl had made everyone go in to see a different film. Being in the cinema and watching a film by myself was mortifying at 14/15 and she did it deliberately. She was a cunt though and I heard a few years ago that she's had a shit life so serves her right.

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