DDs friends fudging meet-up

[Menomama]

There is a back story, but for now, I’d like opinions on this one incident only, as I’m obviously reacting based on everything, ever…

There is an event in town. It’s time specific (as in, between the hours of noon and 3 PM, but spread out throughout town, so not in one specific spot so many people around that there’s no chance to find someone unless you know when and where to look).

DD(10) and a couple of friends (also 10) planned to go together. Everyone of them lives on the outskirts of town, a couple of miles out, and very close to each other. DD was really excited. First time in town on her own, with friends etc.

I asked what time they’d be going. DD said they’d agreed to leave at 1. I asked if they were meeting up on the corner (where all three of their paths would cross, about 1,5 miles from town, so still quite a way) but she said no, they agreed everyone would set off from home at 1 and that they’d meet up by a cafe in town. I thought that was a bit odd (why not bike together?) but didn’t question it.

At noon, I was in town myself and bumped into the two friends. I said hi, they replied, but looked a bit sheepish and walked off. I’d already gone into a shop, but went back out again to ask if they were supposed to meet up already. One replied ”we said we’d meet here” and I replied I know, but that DD thought they were setting off at 1 so maybe she’d got the time wrong. ”We thought we’d come a bit earlier to avoid the heavy traffic around the parade” she said. I replied that was good thinking, and asked if DD was aware. The other one said ”we can call her”. I said lovely, went back in the shop and when I came back out she was on her phone. On the way home I met a flustered DD who told me one of the girls had called her to say they were changing the time.

I think they’d planned to go at the start of the event all along, and obviously biked together. Why they’d tell DD to set off more than an hour later, I don’t know. Whether they were even going to be around when she actually turned up or not, I’m not sure.

But I am fuming at the, in my view, bitchiness and heartbroken for DD who is excited and thinks they’re BFFs.

AIBU?

@Endlesslypatient82 what on earth?? Why are you badgering the OP like that?
She has explained it perfectly clearly!
I can't see why you're still so 'baffled' by it

And for those saying they're only kids, I can only assume you or your dc have not been the victims of such 'kids being silly'

Childhood can be a cutthroat world. And it's not all fun & game all the time & some kids absolutely ARE deliberately nasty.

I think it's hugely undermining to minimise people's experiences like that.

My dd most certainly suffered through thr actions of one girl who, without a shadow of a doubt, set out on purpose to exclude dd. Dd had been good friends with girl A they were sweet with each other & all ea well. Girl B decides she wants to be friends with Girl A, so starts joining them in the playground at breaking. All grand dd is happy to have a new pal in the mix

This was OK for a few weeks until dd started feeling pushed out. Girl B would grab girl A at the start of lunch & say let's just us 2 play today, we don't want dd to join so let's run over there & hide.

Or if girl A & dd were playing something they'd ask girl b to join & she'd say only if we play xx so they'd stop playing their game to play what she wante. Eventually they got sick of this & they'd say no you're welcome to join but we've started playing yyy & when we've finished then we can play xxx. Girl B would refuse. She'd then skulk near them as they played & as soon as she saw the yard duty teacher she'd start to look tearful & when the teacher asked what was the matter she'd say dd & Girl A won't let me play. So they'd get told off & she'd smirk at them

Dd developed huge anxiety around 'getting in trouble' & this whole situation (I've just given a tiny illustration) caused her a lot of upset. She walked away from Girl A in the end despite the fact they'd been friends for a long time as she couldn't cope with Girl B

Unsurprisingly Girl B's mother was not someone you could have a sensible conversation about the situation with

Dd had a really tough 2 years of this & we sent her to a secondary school in the city & none of the primary group went there. Best decision we ever made & she has a fantastic group of friends now

The one thing I will say is it toughened dd up a awful lot. She became far more resilient & also really able ro spot Bellshill behavior & is not shy in calling people out on it now

Would I have wanted her to go through Girl B's treatment to gain that - no! But iys a small silver lining i guess

@UniBallEye Thank you for sharing. Very familiar dynamics, sad to hear you and your DD have been through it but I take to heart that a move to a bigger school could give DD a chance to thrive. Cheering for your DD!

Unfortunately, they're getting to that age that girls get to where they just want to have one BEST friend and do things as a twosome. And unfortunately, three's a crowd. There's a reason that saying exists. Your poor DD though.

@Menomama my dd is now 17 & this happened when she was 10 - 12 yrs so it's a bit in the past for us now. Reading your post brought it all back though & I feel for you !

I've been remembering more - Girl B was clearly telling made up stories at home as her mum confronted me in at the school gates one morning to tell me how mean my dd was & how upset her poor sensitive dd was. I was horrified but set her straight politely but coldly. Dd has been v sick & was in hospital for a few days & the mum said to my face that her dd was far happier when dd was out of school that time!! I mean...what do you say to that????

Ironically they're all 5 years older now & in different schools & dd has forgiven them & is on friendlier terms with Girl B than Girl A these days. Girl B has grown up & matured & is perfectly polite & nice now.

But she was pretty unpleasant as a girl at that time

@Menomama I think the book you need is "Queen Bees & Wannabes" by Rosalind Wiseman.

@RandomMess Brilliant suggestion, thank you!
I checked it out and found she’s also written a book about parents ”Queen Bee Moms and King Pin dads”. Must read both!

@UniBallEye your update also made me think about how often this stuff is parent-driven / encouraged / enabled…

That wears off. By secondary the parents are pushed right out. The queen bee helicopter mums hate it! One such saddo I know is desperate for her 13 year old to stay friends with her cliques dds. It’s quite tragic to watch as the teens are off making their own arrangements without mummies.

People need to read the thread.

I'm not sure why some posters are focussed on why a 10 year old was going alone to a town. In many other countries it is completely normal and encouraged. In my experience the UK is the outlier in regard to children's independence.

The OP has also said that there are only two other girls of her DD's age in both the Village and Town.

The OP has also said her DD will not move schools for a couple more years yet.

With these facts in mind I would strongly advise moving asap.

This is a crucial time to be navigating and learning about social situations, she cannot do this with only two other girls of her age in both her school and village.

I would strongly suggest moving and immediately enrolling your DD into clubs outside your village until you move.

I also recommend this book to anyone who is helping young girls navigate friendship issues: Odd Girl Out