DDs friends fudging meet-up

[Menomama]

There is a back story, but for now, I’d like opinions on this one incident only, as I’m obviously reacting based on everything, ever…

There is an event in town. It’s time specific (as in, between the hours of noon and 3 PM, but spread out throughout town, so not in one specific spot so many people around that there’s no chance to find someone unless you know when and where to look).

DD(10) and a couple of friends (also 10) planned to go together. Everyone of them lives on the outskirts of town, a couple of miles out, and very close to each other. DD was really excited. First time in town on her own, with friends etc.

I asked what time they’d be going. DD said they’d agreed to leave at 1. I asked if they were meeting up on the corner (where all three of their paths would cross, about 1,5 miles from town, so still quite a way) but she said no, they agreed everyone would set off from home at 1 and that they’d meet up by a cafe in town. I thought that was a bit odd (why not bike together?) but didn’t question it.

At noon, I was in town myself and bumped into the two friends. I said hi, they replied, but looked a bit sheepish and walked off. I’d already gone into a shop, but went back out again to ask if they were supposed to meet up already. One replied ”we said we’d meet here” and I replied I know, but that DD thought they were setting off at 1 so maybe she’d got the time wrong. ”We thought we’d come a bit earlier to avoid the heavy traffic around the parade” she said. I replied that was good thinking, and asked if DD was aware. The other one said ”we can call her”. I said lovely, went back in the shop and when I came back out she was on her phone. On the way home I met a flustered DD who told me one of the girls had called her to say they were changing the time.

I think they’d planned to go at the start of the event all along, and obviously biked together. Why they’d tell DD to set off more than an hour later, I don’t know. Whether they were even going to be around when she actually turned up or not, I’m not sure.

But I am fuming at the, in my view, bitchiness and heartbroken for DD who is excited and thinks they’re BFFs.

AIBU?

You need to tell your daughter that you saw them and what happened. I would not want them to tell her they had seen you and her mistrust them.

Just start with I saw x and y yesterday in town which prompted them to call you.

@Endlesslypatient82 I’m sure you are trying to help, and I appreciate your time and effort. But I also feel like either you are missing things that I have already posted OR you are, with gentle questions, trying to get me to see something I am missing. If it’s the latter, I am failing.

I answered yes to your question of ”does she not have any relationships that I am happy with the quality of”. I have also explained that these two girls are in school, the village and that there are not, on a daily basis, many other options AND that, for want of a better expression, this is sort of a ”captive audience” situation. But I feel like either I am not explaining it well or you are alluding to something which I am not getting.

👏👏 thank fuck someone else thinks this.

People can be arseholes, of both sexes ffs.

Did I read it right that your DD is 10? I can't actually get past that tbh. 10 seems too young to biking 1.5 miles on her own into a busy event.

That aside because you're obviously ok with it. You should have bollocked out the girls when you rumbled them. Let them know you're onto them and you'll pull them up on it. And then tell your DD. How would she feel knowing you 3 have this 'secret'.

No I don’t think explaining well

you are thinking about moving your child to a different school due to friendship issues. So if she does have school friendships that you are happy with - then why are you thinking about moving her?

As a parent it is sometimes difficult - but some people do struggle to make friends and I imagine very difficult for a parent to witness.

My children don’t have local friends becuae don’t go to the local school

No biggie. Weekends they chill at home or we arrange getting together with friends (involves a few miles driving)

I have experience of this sort of thing with DS2, who is now 13. He had, what he thought, was a tight group of 3 friends until he was 11. Another child joined the group and, deliberately in my view, started to exclude DS. Over time, they have dropped him completely. It is bloody heartbreaking.

I have frequently seen the 4 kids out and about as a group over the summer, while DS sat at home. He still seems to consider these kids his friends (other than the interloper
who he never liked anyway) but they are absolutely not. I am careful not to diss them in front of him. But will not organise any events with them (ie sleepovers etc). If he suggests something, I divert with alternative kids. I am hoping over time he will form new friendships, but it’s a long long process. All I can do is encourage him quietly…while fuming inside.

I disagree that Op needs to tell her dd what has happened or that she's 'onto' the other girls. What's that going to solve.? If it was me I would say nothing .

It does sound a difficult situation where there's a very limited friendship opportunities, perhaps moving schools would be the answer?

Thing is there is very little you can actually do and this will decrease as she gets older. She has to learn to navigate this herself. If these issues don’t resolve and she is repeatedly left out and is “whipping girl” of the group she needs to leave the group and find better friends. Honestly this is why I am a fan of really big schools these little rural ones with say 3 other girls make my blood run cold. In a larger school there are always other friendship. options.

@Endlesslypatient82

OK. Imagine a scenario like this:
”I have been in my current job for a couple of years. I feel I am being excluded by two people in my immediate team. Sometimes they act nice and we plan projects together, sometimes I hear that I have been left out of important events. My line manager seems to have noticed this too.

I was told the line manager of one of the team members tried to get HR to split the team up as she feels ”people work better in pairs, and teamwork is impossible”. HR wouldn’t do this.

I love the actual job and get on well with people in other departments. I occasionally travel for work, but do the our location, mainly do joint projects with other departments over zoom, so on a daily basis I am confined to my immediate team.

I do of course, also have a family but as I work full-time, my relationship with my immediate team is dominating a big chunk of my time.

There’s an offer of secondment, to a bigger office but also with a longer commute and my duties would change considerably.”

Does that make it easier to understand?

Sorry you lost me op

but you were talking about ADULTS, so as soon as I saw that - I tuned out. Because your thread is about children!!!

YANBU OP

There should be trust, loyalty, honesty & kindness in a friendship.

And not just personal relationships between adults

your analogy was about adults and in the workplace

so all in all… somewhat irrelevant to a situation involving 3 10 years olds going to a parade!

@Whosthebestbabainalltheworld

It’s such a difficult situation. And another aspect to consider of course is that we all have different needs in terms of social / alone time. Some people seem to struggle with alone time, others need it. Some people love socializing, others find it an effort… but we all have feelings and we all are worthy of respect, consideration and compassion.

Sounds like you are kindly and patiently building new circles. But silent seething is hard work. Hope you can let it out occasionally!

You really are something else

@Endlesslypatient82 that was an attempt to explain the constraints around school etc. Which you seemed to want to know about, and as the framework is (in my mind) similar: children have to go to school and can’t choose who else is or isn’t in their classroom. Adults have it easier in terms of choosing where to work or leave, but once we are at work, we rarely get to pick our colleagues. I am not in any way equating 10 year olds to adults, just trying to explain the set-up.
I lost you. Thank you for all the effort you put in to try to help.

YANBU OP - move schools.

@Whosthebestbabainalltheworld feeling for you & your son, went through it with DD.

Only those that have experienced it or have kids that have gone through it can understand the impact.

@Endlesslypatient82 Jesus, you're exhausting! Give it up, you're like a dog with a bone!!

My point in a nutshell is that these are 10 year old girls that haven’t behaved nicely on this occasion

but if you are otherwise happy with friendships at school

and you describe one of the girls as “a very good friend” and this is an unusual situation

I remain baffled by you seriously considering moving schools

(And that while we do have life and relationships outside of school / work, we do spend so much tine in these settings that their impact on our well-being is vast. I wanted to try to show that even for an adult, with family, friends and hobbies away from work, workplace bullying often impacts their well-being so much that the consider or even choose to leave - which is also often the aim of the bullies. As we know it’s hard on adults, it’s even worse for children but they have less room for manouvering.)

I can’t really let it out because I’m good friends with 2 of the mums. I act like it hasn’t happened, and DS is perfectly happy - which he may be. I don’t get into it too much with him either as I think it’s a bit Pandora’s box and he does need to navigate this sort of stuff himself.

But re your original question, I do think that in your context bigger is better in terms of school and looking forward the 2 girls may be starting an exclusion process that will only accelerate. That would be heartbreaking for your DD is a small school context. I’d probably move her now, disrupting and all as that is.

Everyone understands your point

How could they not

You've posted 9000 times

Move on with your life

@Endlesslypatient82

One last attempt, then if we still end up talking at cross purposes, I think it’s more effort than it’s worth:

I wanted to know if IABU regarding this incident, as there is a back story that is likely influencing me in my evaluation of this incident. It is not an isolated incident.

DD considers the friendship good, I have my doubts.

I am not ”otherwise happy with friendships at school”, I simply answered that DD does have other friendships I consider good, however these girls are at school, and pretty much what is on offer at school. Which is why I am considering moving schools.

I have also explained how the other parents involved are dealing with this.

I am not considering the upheaval of moving schools based on one isolated incident of three 10 year olds at a parade.

If it’s still unclear, I am sorry. However, I don’t think I can explain any more or better.

I think this “back story” was probably rather relevant to your op. Because on the basis of the info you have provided - all I see is two 10 year old girls behaving unpleasantly and wanting an hour to themselves but not having the thought to be honest with your daughter about it - and then getting themselves in a twist when they were “caught”

@Whosthebestbabainalltheworld

I really, really feel for you. And I can’t help but feel disappointed in the parents: on the other hand, perhaps they feel that it’s out of their hands, or they cringe inwardly at their children’s involvement even by extension… If you have been friends previous to all this, there is a lot of history to consider too.

Someone should write a book on how to navigate Other Parents, especially DC friends parents.
I know some people actively avoid becoming friendly with DC friends parents for this reason but that seems like a policy which might cause a loss off potentially lovely friendships too.

Don't bother to keep explaining the situation OP. Two kids deliberately gave DD incorrect info to mess with her. She hasn't clocked it yet but you caught them red-handed and you're not a fan of dishonesty and disloyalty. It really couldn't be clearer.

Rightly or wrongly I would tell DD you saw the two kids in town. She deserves to have the information so she can make her own decisions, and it's important she knows her mum will always be honest with her even if it's a bit shit.

What she wants to do after that is up to her, and between them.