DDs friends fudging meet-up

[Menomama]

There is a back story, but for now, I’d like opinions on this one incident only, as I’m obviously reacting based on everything, ever…

There is an event in town. It’s time specific (as in, between the hours of noon and 3 PM, but spread out throughout town, so not in one specific spot so many people around that there’s no chance to find someone unless you know when and where to look).

DD(10) and a couple of friends (also 10) planned to go together. Everyone of them lives on the outskirts of town, a couple of miles out, and very close to each other. DD was really excited. First time in town on her own, with friends etc.

I asked what time they’d be going. DD said they’d agreed to leave at 1. I asked if they were meeting up on the corner (where all three of their paths would cross, about 1,5 miles from town, so still quite a way) but she said no, they agreed everyone would set off from home at 1 and that they’d meet up by a cafe in town. I thought that was a bit odd (why not bike together?) but didn’t question it.

At noon, I was in town myself and bumped into the two friends. I said hi, they replied, but looked a bit sheepish and walked off. I’d already gone into a shop, but went back out again to ask if they were supposed to meet up already. One replied ”we said we’d meet here” and I replied I know, but that DD thought they were setting off at 1 so maybe she’d got the time wrong. ”We thought we’d come a bit earlier to avoid the heavy traffic around the parade” she said. I replied that was good thinking, and asked if DD was aware. The other one said ”we can call her”. I said lovely, went back in the shop and when I came back out she was on her phone. On the way home I met a flustered DD who told me one of the girls had called her to say they were changing the time.

I think they’d planned to go at the start of the event all along, and obviously biked together. Why they’d tell DD to set off more than an hour later, I don’t know. Whether they were even going to be around when she actually turned up or not, I’m not sure.

But I am fuming at the, in my view, bitchiness and heartbroken for DD who is excited and thinks they’re BFFs.

AIBU?

I’d want to punch that Mother who actively is trying to stop the three girls being friends. What a bitch!

I think a lot of ‘mean girls’ stuff comes from mothers. Some seem to almost applaud, encourage and be impressed by it. And yes I mean mothers, I haven’t personally come across this from men.

Did they actually intend to meet up with your daughter at all, I wonder?

I'd invite the other friend with the normal mother for a day out with just your dd.

Something really good and fun.

And then when something is said reply "oh but your mum/ you think girls should only hang out in 2's - ours dont and we don't but we knew you wouldn't want to come/your dd to come because it would make 3".

Not necessarily great to get so involved but if another parent is influencing you may need to push back a bit.

Sorry your poor DD is going through this OP. I echo what a lot of PP have said, young girls can be so horribly bitchy and sadly this continues way way beyond 10. I weirdly feel anxiety/palpitations from this thread, its certainly brought back flashbacks for me.

I echo what a lot of PP have said, young girls can be so horribly bitchy

It is exactly this attitude from adult women that drives it.

God this is taking me back.
I was your daughter in this situation. Unfortunately though my mum was best friends with one of the other mums.
(Names all changed from here on in)
So me, Sally and Paula were "friends" but Sally and Paula were closer.
My mum was bffs with Sally's mum.
So Sally and Paula were always finding sly ways to make sure I knew that I was the extra friend. I was the one who they only knocked for when the other one was busy. My dad had the biggest car so they always brought up going places when they came to my house, knowing dad would offer to drive them.

Then once they'd got what they wanted they'd ditch me for days, no invites or anything. They'd go and do things we'd discussed between us just the two of them and then tell me they didn't know I wanted to do it. And make it I was being weird and possessive. Or hysterical.

But I wasn't allowed to stop being friends with them cos mum was friends with Sally's mum. And Sally's mum convinced my mum that it was me being a bad friend that made the other two act that way. So my Mum never supported me as I was the problem.

To this day I have issues maintaining friendships.
And issues with my mum. But that's between me and my therapist.

Please don't be my mum. Teach your child they matter.

Ive also wondered.

Girls can be so bitchy op. I’m sorry this happened to your dd. She needs some new friends that appreciate her 💐

Girls around this age .. and for a couple more years ... can be awful. I have a DD age 14 and years 6,7 and 8 were horrible. She's now got a lovely friendship group but also, whilst not very confident, is firmly of the opinion that she will not beg for someone's friendship and was willing to walk away when a friend since yr 1 turned on her.

I'd encourage more of the hobby friendships and those in the big town. Whilst it means you'll need to do the transporting, it will help her establish her worth and not be reliant on girls who are not friendly.

I probably depends what has happened in the past as to what the intention might have been today.

I have a suggestion regarding the new school. Maybe ask the school you are interested in if they have any events/fetes /after school clubs that you can take DD too. She might meet other friends so the transition is easier.

Stop calling little girls bitches, what the fuck is wrong with some of you

I can remember being aged 7 or 8 and my 'best friend ' organising it so that all the girls were sat together in the classroom with no space for me.
Of course little girls can be right bitches if they set their minds to it.
I was upset at having to sit on a boys table but actually found they were far more straightforward.

How horrible for your daughter OP. I remember the ‘mean girls’ and exclusion at this age, it is horrible and felt like the end of the world. She needs some nice new friends in secondary. I moved schools in year 6 and actually made friends with a few boys in my class (my previous school was girls only). They were brilliant and to this day I am great friends with both men and women. A mixed friendship group tends to mean less drama.

Gosh, at 10 there’s no way my friends and I would have met without an adult present. And having an adult there would prevent a lot of this nonsense from happening.

As for a friendship of three, I thought that was normal.

And the mother who wants to split the group up is psycho. What it got to do with her? She needs to find some new hobbies (and friends of her own) and leave the children alone.

I tend to naturally recoil when people call young girls bitchy/bitches. At age 10 they are extremely immature and unable to rationalise decisions. The impact of this May indeed be hurtful but name-calling young girls is horrible. At that age, they don’t really have the confidence or assertiveness to collectively negotiate an inclusive plan. One ‘leader’ might propose a plan, and FOMO means others fall in. This does not make them bad people or botched. At 10, I would expect more adult involvement. My DD who is 13 still struggles to figure out group arrangements and I stay engaged to guide her. I’m sorry your daughter got left out.

Are you honestly saying that in this instance these 7/8 year old girls were being “right bitches”?

Maybe they just shouldn't have included Op's daughter at all if they didn't want to?

Agreed
This is what an adult would do (hopefully but many a mumsnet thread would suggest otherwise!)

but these are 10 year old girls we are talking about. So I think we cut them some slack

This thread has been useful in that it has made it clear people focus on different aspects, and that has also helped me see why I, for example, feel like it’s pointless even trying to discuss this with the ”only two can play” mother… and also how to maybe approach it with the other mother.

For example, I am not suggesting that DD should always be included and things should be done as a threesome: I have no right (or desire) to suggest such a thing. I also don’t agree with the principle of ”only two can play” (which of course, does rule out the option of ever doing anything as a threesome all together).

Of course the girls have every right to go where, when and how they want to. My issue here was with how they dealt with DD and also, what I should do with the information I have and DD doesn’t.

Sadly, it seems that this kind of behaviour is quite common and it’s heartbreaking (but important!) to read of the experiences many still carry with them in adulthood. That has given me a lot of food for thought, and that’s exactly what I want to avoid for DD.

While I could certainly have chosen a different and better word to describe the behaviour (which is what I was referring to and not the girls themselves, mind you!) I am also quite surprised by how many people dismiss exclusion (bullying) as sillyness or thoughtlessness and something either to be expected or considered almost harmless.

Please read again the posts from people who have experienced this themselves or had it happen to their DC. Also, be aware that there is research showing that bullying - in particular exclusion - can start way before children go to school. And that it is often calculated and deliberate.

Yes, children need adults to help them model and navigate relationships: that includes boundaries on what is and isn’t an acceptable or kind way of treating others (as well as of course, standing up for yourself and healthy self worth). This does not get solved simply by finding others to play with if you happen to be on the receiving end... and I know that’s not what most of you had in mind, rather opportunities for DD to develop and have experiences separately from these circles.

The worry is that some people may shut their eyes or shrug off suffering / bullying as something that is just ”part of life”.

but these are 10 year old girls we are talking about. So I think we cut them some slack

I agree-I mean does it really matter if they wanted to meet first for a couple of hours?

Op I have asked a few times but no answer

putting these two girls aside, does your dd have any friendships at all that you are happy with the quality of?

@Endlesslypatient82

Sorry to leave you hanging! Yes. But as she spends several hours a day, five days a week and most weeks of the year in school, it’s those friendships that have the biggest impact on her well-being.

I did also already explain that in this instance, DDs view of the quality and my view differ.

@diddl No. But that was also not the issue here.

So at school… no friendships at all that you think are good quality?