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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs friends fudging meet-up

160 replies

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:06

There is a back story, but for now, I’d like opinions on this one incident only, as I’m obviously reacting based on everything, ever…

There is an event in town. It’s time specific (as in, between the hours of noon and 3 PM, but spread out throughout town, so not in one specific spot so many people around that there’s no chance to find someone unless you know when and where to look).

DD(10) and a couple of friends (also 10) planned to go together. Everyone of them lives on the outskirts of town, a couple of miles out, and very close to each other. DD was really excited. First time in town on her own, with friends etc.

I asked what time they’d be going. DD said they’d agreed to leave at 1. I asked if they were meeting up on the corner (where all three of their paths would cross, about 1,5 miles from town, so still quite a way) but she said no, they agreed everyone would set off from home at 1 and that they’d meet up by a cafe in town. I thought that was a bit odd (why not bike together?) but didn’t question it.

At noon, I was in town myself and bumped into the two friends. I said hi, they replied, but looked a bit sheepish and walked off. I’d already gone into a shop, but went back out again to ask if they were supposed to meet up already. One replied ”we said we’d meet here” and I replied I know, but that DD thought they were setting off at 1 so maybe she’d got the time wrong. ”We thought we’d come a bit earlier to avoid the heavy traffic around the parade” she said. I replied that was good thinking, and asked if DD was aware. The other one said ”we can call her”. I said lovely, went back in the shop and when I came back out she was on her phone. On the way home I met a flustered DD who told me one of the girls had called her to say they were changing the time.

I think they’d planned to go at the start of the event all along, and obviously biked together. Why they’d tell DD to set off more than an hour later, I don’t know. Whether they were even going to be around when she actually turned up or not, I’m not sure.

But I am fuming at the, in my view, bitchiness and heartbroken for DD who is excited and thinks they’re BFFs.

AIBU?

OP posts:
energybill · 27/08/2022 17:54

Sadly, this type of thing isn't rare. It happened to my DD at 11. She was invited to a birthday party and we were a little early so stayed in the car until it was time. I was surprised because I wondered where everyone else was as there were no kids being dropped off. Six girls had been invited. Exactly on the dot DD got off and went to the door. Birthday girl answered and everyone was in already. I thought things didn't add up because we were sat there waiting and didn't see anyone coming, so I texted another mum and said I misplaced the invite and what time did it start. Apparently it was one hour before the time my daughter was given in her invite. I wondered if it was a mistake and then it happened again at another girl's party too.

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 17:56

@Endlesslypatient82 As I said, these girls ARE from school. And the village. Until or unless we move (home: not possible or school: considering), this is what it is. I’m not sure where I am contradictory. Or are you implying that I’m not to get involved / not seeing things clearly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 17:58

@energybill unbelieavable and heartbreaking for you both! You’d think adults wouldn’t stoop so low, but I guess this is what children end up modeling. I hope your DD is thriving, happy and far from these people now?

OP posts:
Vickstory79 · 27/08/2022 17:59

Are you saying there are only two girls in he village and school?
What do you mean there are no other options?

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 18:00

@coffeeisthebest sound very familiar…

and to many: yes, bigger school, more students in town. Next level is a couple of years off though…

OP posts:
Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 18:02

@Vickstory79 without going into identifying specifics. Not the whole school, of course, but grade, yes… pretty much.

OP posts:
Christmasiscominghohoho · 27/08/2022 18:06

I don’t think there is anything wrong with them meeting earlier if they wanted aslong as they met your dd at 1 still.
They don’t have to do everything together and she was included.

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 18:07

My question is simple

has your dd always struggled with friendships? Because in one post you say they’re “very good friends” but also you’re thinking of moving her and also you don’t like the quality of these friendships.

essentially I am confused! Are they “very good friends” or not?

NanaNelly · 27/08/2022 18:21

KatherineJaneway · 27/08/2022 15:32

Thank you for your kind words @Menomama

Kathrine, My heart is hurting for the young girl that happened to. You didn’t deserve it and you are by far the better person.

@Menomama Im really sorry this happened to your Darling girl and I would prepare myself to have to tell her sooner rather than later because I think this ugly behavior is only going to continue. And shame on those two little horrors being able to come up with an excuse so quickly. They seem well practiced at being nasty and sneaky.

NanaNelly · 27/08/2022 18:22

energybill · 27/08/2022 17:54

Sadly, this type of thing isn't rare. It happened to my DD at 11. She was invited to a birthday party and we were a little early so stayed in the car until it was time. I was surprised because I wondered where everyone else was as there were no kids being dropped off. Six girls had been invited. Exactly on the dot DD got off and went to the door. Birthday girl answered and everyone was in already. I thought things didn't add up because we were sat there waiting and didn't see anyone coming, so I texted another mum and said I misplaced the invite and what time did it start. Apparently it was one hour before the time my daughter was given in her invite. I wondered if it was a mistake and then it happened again at another girl's party too.

This is horrendous. 💐

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 18:29

@Endlesslypatient82 It seems that while DD and I have different views on the quality of these (or in particular one of these) friendships, I also have more information (for example, that today she was lied to) and more life experience than she does. She might be happy with crumbs, she’s not upset about something she doesn’t know happened. (Did you miss the part about her thinking they all got there just before the parade?)

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 27/08/2022 18:30

Thank you @NanaNelly That's very kind of you to say so.

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 18:33

I am really thankful to everyone of you who has taken time to offer opinions and advise. I needed an ”outside” perspective. Thank you.

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 27/08/2022 18:33

I'm surprised the girls didnt give her some story about them being there early. Why would they claim they all got there at the same time, wouldn't they assume you would mention meeting up with them to her? Maybe they are hoping she finds out they lied and that she ends the friendship.

Chasingclouds100 · 27/08/2022 18:34

smileandsing · 27/08/2022 15:02

Is your DD 10 or was that a typo? You say you all live a couple of miles out of town and they were going to meet 1.5 miles away to go to a busy event where there was no way they'd find eachother if they didn't arrange to meet first. As you didn't say I presume no parents were going to be supervising. This isn't something I'd consider letting my nearly 10 year old do, never mind the behaviour of your DDs supposed friends, who were really out of order. But then they're 10 so you can't really expect them to behave like anything other than kids.
Take her to the event yourself and make sure she has a really good time, ir do something else altogether without these girls

My thoughts too!! My DD is 10 and I wouldn’t dream of letting her out on her own, especially somewhere so busy!

Genevieva · 27/08/2022 18:38

Girls around this age do it a lot. You need to be on the look out for it. The trouble is knowing when to draw a line and say they are not friends and when to manage it carefully on the grounds that they do get on, but sometimes girls might want to spend time with different groups / individuals. What they did was immature. You had a gut instinct that something was off. They are only 10. You can always check with their parents. You can also do things like suggest she goes into town with you to see the main event and mets them at that location at 1 / 1.30pm etc. That way at least your daughter isn't left at home. You also need to work out when it is worth talking to their parents after an event like this to alert them and when doing so would be heavy handed and make things worse. Not easy. Also, gently encourage a wider circle of friends as it may be that a group of 3 just isn't working. Boys are so much more straightforward.

Snoozer11 · 27/08/2022 18:48

It's tough to know what to do, and I think a lot of posters are over simplifying things.

I never really had any solid friendships growing up. I had some friends, but I was always on the outside of these friendships. I understood why though: they had been friends for much longer than they had known me, they lived within a couple of doors of each other and their parents knew each other. I also didn't have the expectation of having a really strong, long-lasting friendship with anyone at the time, as I had never experienced that before.

To be honest, I was treated fairly well by these friends, and was grateful to have a few people to hang around with a few nights a week. I knew there were plenty of times where they'd be out and I wasn't there, but I just accepted it as others having more in their lives.

I remember my mother making a comment along the lines of one these friends only calling for me when the other wasn't available. I suppose there was some truth in that, but I don't think it was malicious. I remember feeling almost as if my mother was trying to stop me from going out because I wasn't someone's number 1 choice.

I think been seen to have some friends, and some semblance of a social life is important when you're that age, and is often a stepping stone to developing other friendships and social skills.

I also think it is fairly natural for a group of three to have two people who are closer, and for all groups of friends which have already formed to have people who feel "on the outside" of that group.

The girls giving fake times is awful. But is it worth ending her friendships if she is still being involved, but to a lesser extent? Is it better to have some social life with people who are half interested, or no social life to spite this?

I think her feelings towards friendships will already be in place at her age. She'll know whether she feels she is only worthy of scraps, or if she's on an equal footing. Sadly it sounds like the former.

I felt like that at that age, and accepted it. As I got older, I became more comfortable in that role. But now as an adult, I have no social circle as I have decided I don't want to have to put up with it. It's both very freeing but can be lonely.

At 10, I would have taken what I could get. I would have only rejected anything which became malicious, and that tends to come in the teenage years.

alpenguin · 27/08/2022 18:48

If one of the parents are trying to manipulate friendships , can you not arrange some time between the girl whose parents aren’t so manipulative and your DD?

My daughter experienced similar at the hands of a control freak mum and the kids barely had any idea of what was going on.

BreatheAndFocus · 27/08/2022 18:51

It depends how genuinely friendly your DD is with the other two. If she does like both or one of them, then don’t encourage her to ditch them. Perhaps being a bit ‘pushier’ might stop them sidelining her?

I agree with playing the ‘three doesn’t work’ mother at her own game. Just invite the other girl over to play with your DD. Do this a few times. This will help build up your DD’s friendship with her hopefully, and give you an opportunity to say something to the other mother if she mentions it.

FWIW, three does work. At secondary school, I was friends with two other girls and we were a total threesome. We had sleepovers together, sat in a row of three desks, went out together as we got older, etc When we first became friends, I felt a bit on the outside because they’d gone to the same primary school. But I liked them both and we genuinely all got on together, so I’m so glad I didn’t let my concerns make me look for friendship elsewhere.

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 18:54

Menomama · 27/08/2022 18:29

@Endlesslypatient82 It seems that while DD and I have different views on the quality of these (or in particular one of these) friendships, I also have more information (for example, that today she was lied to) and more life experience than she does. She might be happy with crumbs, she’s not upset about something she doesn’t know happened. (Did you miss the part about her thinking they all got there just before the parade?)

Ok so setting these girls aside

what about other friends?

how have her friendships been at the school aside from these girls over the years?
Does she do any clubs or hobbies? Does she have friends at those?

just trying to understand if your issue is with these two girls or if your daughter simply doesn’t have any quality friendships

LoisLane66 · 27/08/2022 18:59

If THEY knew thefin event was at 12.30 how come you or your daughter didn't know?

LoisLane66 · 27/08/2022 18:59
  • If THEY knew the main event...
Livelovebehappy · 27/08/2022 19:05

Girls really can be horrible, especially at this age and beyond. My daughter has left school now, and is an adult, but the dramas with her friendships were awful throughout secondary school. All you can do is be there for her during the upsets, and encourage other friendships when possible. It’s brutal for them though.

MsTSwift · 27/08/2022 19:12

Listen to Taylor Swift “Best Day” where she describes this happening to her. Her mum takes her on a day out and they laugh til “she forgets all their names”. Makes me cry every time! Also the song Mean.

Fuck them she needs better friends - do all you can to facilitate that. NEVER encourage her to stay in a group to be the whipping girl. Better alone than that. Dd2 used to sit in the library and read her book when she had similar late primary. Now aged 14 she’s the most popular girl at school and her mousy ex friends can only gawp and dream of being invited out with her!xx

Teateaandmoretea · 27/08/2022 19:19

They aren’t good friends.

Are they year 10 or 10? If they are 10 then I’d be organising it with the parents from now on and would be looking forward to secondary. Y10 is more tricky in lots of ways.