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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs friends fudging meet-up

160 replies

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:06

There is a back story, but for now, I’d like opinions on this one incident only, as I’m obviously reacting based on everything, ever…

There is an event in town. It’s time specific (as in, between the hours of noon and 3 PM, but spread out throughout town, so not in one specific spot so many people around that there’s no chance to find someone unless you know when and where to look).

DD(10) and a couple of friends (also 10) planned to go together. Everyone of them lives on the outskirts of town, a couple of miles out, and very close to each other. DD was really excited. First time in town on her own, with friends etc.

I asked what time they’d be going. DD said they’d agreed to leave at 1. I asked if they were meeting up on the corner (where all three of their paths would cross, about 1,5 miles from town, so still quite a way) but she said no, they agreed everyone would set off from home at 1 and that they’d meet up by a cafe in town. I thought that was a bit odd (why not bike together?) but didn’t question it.

At noon, I was in town myself and bumped into the two friends. I said hi, they replied, but looked a bit sheepish and walked off. I’d already gone into a shop, but went back out again to ask if they were supposed to meet up already. One replied ”we said we’d meet here” and I replied I know, but that DD thought they were setting off at 1 so maybe she’d got the time wrong. ”We thought we’d come a bit earlier to avoid the heavy traffic around the parade” she said. I replied that was good thinking, and asked if DD was aware. The other one said ”we can call her”. I said lovely, went back in the shop and when I came back out she was on her phone. On the way home I met a flustered DD who told me one of the girls had called her to say they were changing the time.

I think they’d planned to go at the start of the event all along, and obviously biked together. Why they’d tell DD to set off more than an hour later, I don’t know. Whether they were even going to be around when she actually turned up or not, I’m not sure.

But I am fuming at the, in my view, bitchiness and heartbroken for DD who is excited and thinks they’re BFFs.

AIBU?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 27/08/2022 15:31

Menomama · 27/08/2022 15:16

Katherine: I am so sorry that happened to you, what awful behaviour from the parents (adults!!) in that situation… also, thank you for sharing as that’s exactly what my worry is regarding DD. That she’ll see herself as ”wrong” and not ”wronged”.

I'll be honest, you wonder why you are not 'good enough'. Why did this other friend deserve a place in the car but not me. Why did I not deserve someone to drive back and pick me up.

My family were hard working, decent people, I was well behaved and respectful. It is soul destroying to be left out like that at that age. I stood there as they drove off wondering what I had done to deserve such treatment.

KatherineJaneway · 27/08/2022 15:32

Thank you for your kind words @Menomama

Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 15:39

I would be careful though as maybe the other girl is being manipulated and is usually a good friend to your dd? They aww only 10 after all. You said the other mother is really welcoming of dd and does lots of things for all three girls?

In your place if the one girl continues in this way (and her mother) to stop inviting dd, then you return the favour. Organise lovely things for just the two of them and play them at their own game.why are you having to be the bigger person? If the mother asks shrug and say you didn’t think she liked groups of 3. Maybe the experience will motivate her to include everyone more kindly!

Your dds self esteem needs to stay in tact that’s your priority or you will raise a people pleaser that is miserable and manipulated by everyone around her.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/08/2022 15:44

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:55

The short version of the backstory is that the ”three is a crowd” mentality is actively encouraged by one of the other girl’s parents.
Her mother even told me as much - that ”everyone knows three girls can not work, girls have to play two and two”. She has also tried to get the school to get involved and split the threesome up, which the school won’t do as they see three girls happily playing together.

(The other girl’s parents don’t share this view, and have invited DD and all 3 over several times…)

Small village, so unfortunately not possible to encourage other friendships. Part of me feels I should let her enjoy whatever crumbs she can get, part of me feels this is going to ruin her view of herself and friendships forever as she’s bound to feel pushed out or only ”worthy of crumbs”.

Based on this opinion, I'd strongly encourage the friendship between the girl whose mother believes in the threesome being ok, and where possible not actively encourage the friendship between your DD and the girl whose mother believes in a twosome being sufficient.
She'll change her tune when it's her daughter being at the receiving end of the third-wheel comments/situations.

I think, in relation to the most recent situation, as you did. I wonder, had you not seen these girls if they would have phoned your DD or done anything to fix their situation?

diddl · 27/08/2022 15:48

I mean on the surface it could be as simple as they wanted to do part of the thing just the two of them.

I wonder if your daughter asked about going to the whole thing & was put off?

It obviously explains the meeting in town though as they knew that they would already be there.

focuspocus · 27/08/2022 15:48

@KatherineJaneway what truly horrible people to do that to you. So nasty and somehow these people think themselves superior to others.

@Menomama It really does sound purposeful and how horrible if instigated by one of the mothers. I have no idea what to advise. A horrible dilemma, she's not currently hurting as she's unaware however it seems they were ready to hurt her. You said you aren't in uk will they be heading off to a bigger secondary soon like they would here?

Agree with @LookItsMeAgain and @Festoonlights to have some get togethers with the nice one if you still think she is nice. Don't make it competitive though as the other mother probably has way more energy for that!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/08/2022 15:51

I agree, arrange plenty of one on one time with the girl with the sane mum.

Deliverooaddict · 27/08/2022 16:01

I also think 10 is far too young

Seafretfreda · 27/08/2022 16:08

This is a bit strange. At ten, I’d have ensured they were dropped off together, I wouldn’t have let mine go off to meet others alone! And definitely not if I knew the others were prone to being nasty. So weird!

OurLipsAreSealed · 27/08/2022 16:08

DS had something similar, so it’s not just girls who can act this way.

In DS’s (at the time 14) case it was a group of boys who had messaged telling him they were on their way to the fair in town (this had been messaged back and forth a few days prior). DS walked into town to meet them, they were arriving by bus as they lived in a different village. He then got a text to say that they got mixed up and they were actually going to another town to another event! . DS came home looking a bit flushed and upset and explained what had happened. I was livid for him.

He then received another text stating that they were joking and that they were actually going into ‘our’ town. As DS was desperate to go to the fair he wanted to still meet up, despite this shitty behaviour so I said I’d run him into town and that I’d wait around and for him to text me letting me know that they’d actually turned up this time! They did turn up! Turns out they’d actually already arrived in town and had been sitting in McDonald’s while messaging DS to tell him they were going somewhere else!

I know it was possibly one boy in particular who would have been the instigator in this. I was close to messaging his DM but instead talked it over with DS on his return. This wasn’t the first and last time this boy and his posse had acted this way.

I feel for your DD (and you), OP. It’s so difficult when these things happen. Hopefully in your DD’s case she will make more friends in secondary school.

familyissues12345 · 27/08/2022 16:10

Both of my sons had similar problems at this age. On both occasions it turned out to be one ring leader, who subsequently went off to a different secondary school a year later and then the friendship between the others became much stronger.

DS2's issues were much the same as your daughters OP, friends arranging to meet him then not being there/arranging to meet earlier. I wouldn't have minded so much if they played the "game" with all of them, but DS was always on the receiving end so it very quickly stopped being funny...

Ourlady · 27/08/2022 16:11

I’d want to punch that Mother who actively is trying to stop the three girls being friends. What a bitch!

NWQM · 27/08/2022 16:14

If she has had an otherwise good afternoon I can see why you don t want to upset her but as you say there is a back story I fear you may be best telling her

Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 16:16

Stop trying to keep the three. The other mother has been clear she isn’t facilitating that, for sine stupid reason only known to her.
Be clear with dd why you are doing it, so she learns to stop investing in people that treat her badly. They will make many new friends in secondary school so don’t worry

OurLipsAreSealed · 27/08/2022 16:19

DS now goes to a different school and stopped all communication with these boys.

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 16:22

They’re 10.

you truly have no idea what goes on between girls this age on a daily basis. The fluctuations are ridiculous.

i am surprised you didn’t look at the event more closely and see the timings given so young and her first time ever on her own

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 16:23

Small village, so unfortunately not possible to encourage other friendships.

school? Clubs? Hobbies?

morgenmorgen · 27/08/2022 16:25

Gosh, this thread has stirred up some memories. I was also in a similar situation in my very early teens - on the outside of a three, small school etc. Don't want to go into too much detail here but the whole thing drove me to a very dark place and I was affected by it for years. Please take seriously those who suggest strongly encouraging/nurturing other friendships outside of school - even if it means travelling further to visit friends or whatever. I so so wish my parents had done that for me as a lot of misery could have been avoided.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 27/08/2022 16:32

I'm so sorry for your DD, I had similar in school and it really hurt.

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 16:33

Couple of things: I understand why some of you are surprised at the age. We are, however, not in the UK. You’ll have to take my word for it, it is not a safety concern here, and in fact very normal for kids this age to be out without adults.

Also - the girls had arranged and agreed all this. Biking was part of it. I did question why set off later than the start but ”that was the agreement”.
Someone wondered why I didn’t look into the event myself - but I was there, at noon, as per my OP.

And, as with the back story: I am at the point where I am considering moving DD to a different school, in town… precisely to get away from this. But moving schools is a big decision and would obvioulsy also impact her commute etc. But this is why I wanted to know if AIBU on this occasion…

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 16:36

YADNBU
I would move her, the small town thinking is cliquey and stifling as they grow older.

perimenofertility · 27/08/2022 16:37

Gosh kids can be mean. As an isolated incident I'd say the two of them felt obliged to invite your DD but made arrangements in such a way that they knew she would be too late for the start of the event and might not easily find them and they'd have a great time together just the two of them.
With your back story info, perhaps the "two is best" girl's mother said something like "why don't you set off earlier and find menomama's dd later on".
Either way, it sounds like certainly in this incident your DD is the weaker link of the three and open to being let down.
I wouldn't mention to her that you saw them because it'll knock her confidence and she may have enjoyed the day or at least the first independent trip. But I'd do this that someone wrote upthread:
"Based on this opinion, I'd strongly encourage the friendship between the girl whose mother believes in the threesome being ok, and where possible not actively encourage the friendship between your DD and the girl whose mother believes in a twosome being sufficient.
She'll change her tune when it's her daughter being at the receiving end of the third-wheel comments/situations."

Peashoots · 27/08/2022 16:41

chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 14:16

Maybe they wanted some time just the two of them together before meeting DD. They may have wanted to discuss personal matters without DD present.

Oh piss off, they’re ten 🙄 what personal matters??
op they were being mean. Not nice but I wouldn’t write the friendship off-girls of this age can be like this. Don’t mention it to DD. Hopefully the embarrassment of being caught will make them think twice in future.

chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 16:42

Peashoots · 27/08/2022 16:41

Oh piss off, they’re ten 🙄 what personal matters??
op they were being mean. Not nice but I wouldn’t write the friendship off-girls of this age can be like this. Don’t mention it to DD. Hopefully the embarrassment of being caught will make them think twice in future.

Show quote history

Periods. Parents getting divorced. Fancying someone in their class.

SmellyCat1985 · 27/08/2022 16:43

Embarrassingly I went through this in my early 20’s. Three girls, did everything together but the other two were obviously much closer. We would arrange to meet and they’d meet up before, sometimes both being late meeting me. I waited outside a nightclub at 11pm in the rain once alone. They also secretly arranged to move in together and only told me the night before.

I think growing up with this (we were friends at 10 too) has made my self esteem really low. I genuinely believed I was the boring one and deserved to be left out because I’m quieter than them and not as fun. I think you should encourage other friendships so she’s not as reliant on these two.

(Ironically they fell out massively when they moved in together and I’m now friends with them separately, but I’m very distant from both of them)