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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs friends fudging meet-up

160 replies

Menomama · 27/08/2022 14:06

There is a back story, but for now, I’d like opinions on this one incident only, as I’m obviously reacting based on everything, ever…

There is an event in town. It’s time specific (as in, between the hours of noon and 3 PM, but spread out throughout town, so not in one specific spot so many people around that there’s no chance to find someone unless you know when and where to look).

DD(10) and a couple of friends (also 10) planned to go together. Everyone of them lives on the outskirts of town, a couple of miles out, and very close to each other. DD was really excited. First time in town on her own, with friends etc.

I asked what time they’d be going. DD said they’d agreed to leave at 1. I asked if they were meeting up on the corner (where all three of their paths would cross, about 1,5 miles from town, so still quite a way) but she said no, they agreed everyone would set off from home at 1 and that they’d meet up by a cafe in town. I thought that was a bit odd (why not bike together?) but didn’t question it.

At noon, I was in town myself and bumped into the two friends. I said hi, they replied, but looked a bit sheepish and walked off. I’d already gone into a shop, but went back out again to ask if they were supposed to meet up already. One replied ”we said we’d meet here” and I replied I know, but that DD thought they were setting off at 1 so maybe she’d got the time wrong. ”We thought we’d come a bit earlier to avoid the heavy traffic around the parade” she said. I replied that was good thinking, and asked if DD was aware. The other one said ”we can call her”. I said lovely, went back in the shop and when I came back out she was on her phone. On the way home I met a flustered DD who told me one of the girls had called her to say they were changing the time.

I think they’d planned to go at the start of the event all along, and obviously biked together. Why they’d tell DD to set off more than an hour later, I don’t know. Whether they were even going to be around when she actually turned up or not, I’m not sure.

But I am fuming at the, in my view, bitchiness and heartbroken for DD who is excited and thinks they’re BFFs.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Peashoots · 27/08/2022 16:45

@chillipenguin that they couldn’t talk about in front of their peer, best friend, kid the same age.
you’re being ridiculous. The reaching here to stick up for two kids who were being bitchy.
you must be a mean girl or have a mean girl daughter yourself.

Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 16:51

Peashoots · 27/08/2022 16:45

@chillipenguin that they couldn’t talk about in front of their peer, best friend, kid the same age.
you’re being ridiculous. The reaching here to stick up for two kids who were being bitchy.
you must be a mean girl or have a mean girl daughter yourself.

By definition sharing secrets is also exclusionary bullying behaviour when misused

Oddbobbyboo · 27/08/2022 16:53

Girls are a nightmare xx from my experience with my two…. Things change quite quickly.

Things will change when she starts secondary as they’ll be loads of children to pick from x I’ve got four children and had to navigate them all through different scenarios…… like this.

What I will say is that it hurts and angers us mums more than our children fortunately x

UniBallEye · 27/08/2022 16:56

Girls that age are a nightmare! My dad is mid,/late teen now & I would not go back to that age group for all the money in the world.

In my dd's case it was 1 girl who wanted to be the queen bee & control the orter2 & she was a nasty little bitch. I know that's a shocking thing to say but she really truly was

They grew up & grew out of it eventually but they're hard lessons for our poor dc on the receiving end of things. I wanted to do harm to that little madam. It still makes my blood boil thinking back

I would 100% encourage one to one events/ sleepovers with the other girl. You can bet your bottom dollar the bitch mother won't like it one bit. Tough.

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 16:56

Menomama · 27/08/2022 16:33

Couple of things: I understand why some of you are surprised at the age. We are, however, not in the UK. You’ll have to take my word for it, it is not a safety concern here, and in fact very normal for kids this age to be out without adults.

Also - the girls had arranged and agreed all this. Biking was part of it. I did question why set off later than the start but ”that was the agreement”.
Someone wondered why I didn’t look into the event myself - but I was there, at noon, as per my OP.

And, as with the back story: I am at the point where I am considering moving DD to a different school, in town… precisely to get away from this. But moving schools is a big decision and would obvioulsy also impact her commute etc. But this is why I wanted to know if AIBU on this occasion…

So if you had looked in to it beforehand and we’re there - did you not see the main event was before your daughter would even get there?

Peashoots · 27/08/2022 17:03

Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 16:51

By definition sharing secrets is also exclusionary bullying behaviour when misused

Show quote history

Exactly!

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 17:06

@Endlesslypatient82 The event was spread through town, and during a specific time window. I knew that much. I also ”knew” (was told, by DD) that they were all leaving their houses at a specific time. As the girls made the arrangements themselves, I didn’t question the timing: only wondered why they would agree on a time to leave, but also NOT bike together. It seemed odd to me. However, to find out that the other two had a) left much earlier b) together c) to see the parade and avoid the traffic but d) specifically not told DD any of this, but actually lied about the timing I am not sure how I should or could’ve prevented this. The event was much more than the parade, but seems to me DD was supposed to miss that part. Of course, I could’ve gone with DD, dropped her off / picked her up… but that was not the point of this afternoon.

OP posts:
Washermother33 · 27/08/2022 17:08

Your DD needs to be told the truth and encouraged not to rely on these 2 .. at the age of 10 you should still have time to help new friendships via play dates or pizza and movie nights

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 17:09

Op

Your DD seems to have had a tough time that you allude to in your back story.
i imagine you were really hoping this was the start of a solid friendship
these girls are 10. They were silly and thoughtless, but you seem to be very angry at girls that are very young. Your girl doesn’t seem to have any friends from what you have said. Has this always been the case or recent development?

Vickstory79 · 27/08/2022 17:09

YANBU

She's 10 and even if they are the only two other girls in the village she's better off finding others elsewhere. Trust, honesty and kindness are important parts of friendship.

I would teach your daughter to be able to retract from the friendship totally. She should always offer a genuine and cheerful "hi" when she passes them at school BUT she should move on immediately to chat with others to make it clear she isn't wanting or caring for a response. This will give her back some control.

No hard feelings, just move on and probably next year she'll be friends with one of them again and they may not be friends with each other.

I have older children and in my experience once the parents are out of the picture, when they're older, these situations don't tend to happen.

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 17:16

@Endlesslypatient82 I’m not sure I follow: the gorls have known each other for years. I was not hoping for this to be the start of anything other than outings without adults - much anticipated rite of passage for most kids. I also haven’t said DD has no friends. She views especially one of these girls as a very good friend. She’s very happy with how she thinks the afternoon went. I have my doubts on the motives of these girls (and if this was deliberate, then yes - I am angry. It’s not ”silly and thoughtless”, it’s awful and bullying. I wondered how others view the situation and behaviour and it seems many agree.) which is why I wondered AIBU.

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 17:20

You have the solution. You can either move schools now or wait a year for secondary school. The hobby friends need to be included more often socially in the meantime and don’t feel obliged to continue inviting all three if they are being mean to your dd.

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 17:22

Menomama · 27/08/2022 17:16

@Endlesslypatient82 I’m not sure I follow: the gorls have known each other for years. I was not hoping for this to be the start of anything other than outings without adults - much anticipated rite of passage for most kids. I also haven’t said DD has no friends. She views especially one of these girls as a very good friend. She’s very happy with how she thinks the afternoon went. I have my doubts on the motives of these girls (and if this was deliberate, then yes - I am angry. It’s not ”silly and thoughtless”, it’s awful and bullying. I wondered how others view the situation and behaviour and it seems many agree.) which is why I wondered AIBU.

Confused then why you are thinking of moving schools?

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/08/2022 17:24

I think calling 10 year old girls bitches says more about some of the people on this thread than the kids in question!

Original poster
Menomama · 27/08/2022 17:25

@Endlesslypatient82 because while DD thinks she has friends, I have my doubts about the quality of these friendships - and as these are the only ones on offer on a daily basis in the current situation, I don’t want her to grow up thinking this is what friendships are like or that this is how she should expect to be treated.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 27/08/2022 17:27

Sadly it sounds a fairly normal experience, it's just horrible when it's your DC on the receiving end of this unkind behaviour. It's almost worse than when it happens to you.

I guess you just have to try and support your DD, and help her rise above it. The hardest thing to get across is that it's not her fault in any way, and try to keep up her self confidence. It's sad people have to act this way, but learning how to deal with it gracefully will stand her in good stead through the teenage years.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/08/2022 17:27

You aren’t being unreasonable and yes I would move her to school in the town.

People idealise tiny schools but it can bet very hard to find your tribe.

They are heading for the peak bitchy early teen years so I’d move her where she has more options.

That mother is AWFUL.

Festoonlights · 27/08/2022 17:30

I would move her in a heartbeat. It’s unhealthy for her rely on just two other girls and is bound to cause strain for all of them. Dd needs to find her own identity and choose from many different friends and groups and interests.

RandomMess · 27/08/2022 17:32

Exclusion is bullying and yes they are bullying.

Is it worth taking to the "nice" Mum about what happened?

I think it's worth moving schools so there is a bigger pool of friendships.

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 17:32

Menomama · 27/08/2022 17:25

@Endlesslypatient82 because while DD thinks she has friends, I have my doubts about the quality of these friendships - and as these are the only ones on offer on a daily basis in the current situation, I don’t want her to grow up thinking this is what friendships are like or that this is how she should expect to be treated.

Somewhat contradicts your previous post op about them being “very good friends”

Has she ever had friendships that you regard as being “good quality” ones?

Endlesslypatient82 · 27/08/2022 17:33

What is her friendships like at school?

Gansevoortgirl67 · 27/08/2022 17:35

How long does she have left at this school? Will she have more potential friendships when she moves up to middle school/high school?

It sounds like a toxic setup that's only going to get worse if it's being encouraged by one of the other mothers. But I'd question whether it's worth moving schools at this stage if she's not far from moving to a new school with a bigger intake anyway.

hettie · 27/08/2022 17:39

Your spidy sense is right I think. And importantly, I think you need to tell her. I think it's important to be clear about what is and isn't acceptable in relationships and friendships. Model and talk about good boundaries now and there is more chance your dd won't put up with crappy work/ romantic relationships later. All this stuff isn't just "girls being girls" or "girls that age" it's not ok and adults shouldn't in their silence condone it

ArabellaScott · 27/08/2022 17:43

It's really hard watching our kids navigate pain and heartache. But it's also part of life, unavoidable. We can teach and model resilience, integrity and the ability to recover from disappointment and getting hurt. One thing to be thankful for, OP, is that she is not on the other side.

If she's ten, she'll be moving up to big school in a year or so?

coffeeisthebest · 27/08/2022 17:54

This summer I pointed out crappy behaviour from my daughter's friend of a similar age. The fact she hadn't seen it as crappy made me feel really sad as she has probably put up with worse at school. In our case her 'friend's' Mum won't even acknowledge my daughter as a friend and never initiates any meet ups, despite my dd inviting her kid round on numerous occasions. I have tried to rise above/continue inviting/ignore stuff but it is still just crappy behaviour.

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