AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

[trampolinegame]

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

My response to that would be

I resent you massively for not participating in our family

I think I’d be taking his bedroom door off it’s hinges and burning it if he didn’t sort himself out (only slightly lighthearted!)

She already said what he is like. Disengaged and uninterested. You obviously have based your responses on the thread title and picked out the bits of the OPs posts that you wish to defend her partner for. Which is a bit bizarre.

This. 100%

@CatsandFish

Being a parent is 24/7

There's far too many variables to categorically say being a sahm is as hard or harder than working 24/7.

Being a sahm to school age kids is not harder than being a nurse. Being a sahm is not harder than lots of jobs full stop.

Lots of jobs are easier than being a sahm but they're still working. Being employed is different to not being employed.

Most working mums (maybe not most dads) work and do a lot of, if not all of, what sahms do.

I also don't believe the oh I'd rather work full time! If you'd rather work full time, why arent you?

You're a sahm because it's easier than working. For one reason or another.

No juggling childcare being the main one.

It's interesting isn't it how in these situations parenting little children/babies is simultaneously so difficult that your DH can't possibly help you at all on top of working and yet so easy that you can do it 24/7 with no break ever...

you are doing everything to make him happy including sacrificing your needs and it is still not enough

i would go telling him clearly that you can do it anymore and if he wants to save the relationship something has to change but it can’t be you

Uugh, he sounds like my ExH. Before we had children, I said that I would get up in the night with babies, because he would need to be sharp for work. Oh boy, he never let me forget that. When we had a toddler and a baby, at one point they were waking up 5 times a night each. I begged and begged for help, but he always reminded me that I had said I would do all the night wakings, and that I should stick to what I had said. He NEVER got up once in the night. Oh, and I found out much later that he was shagging elsewhere at that time. Arsehole. Anyway. my advice would be to leave him. Let him stew on that for a while (even if you don't really mean it).

For what it's worth, for me, working full time is way easier than looking after small children. Why ? Because at least I get to sleep all night and can ignore emails if I want to.

Husband also acknowledges that he'd find it really hard to be home all the time and he finds looking after them hard in general. But that im ' the mum '. Apparently mums are superhero's, according to him...

Er - you obviously haven’t read all of the OP’s posts because in one of them she says she’s on maternity leave, so that’s why she’s a SAHM at the moment. And I don’t see how the things you’re pointing out are relevant to the fact that she’s been lumped with the lot - no help from DH and no input apart from what he obviously feels is forced on him. Unhelpful criticism.

He sounds like a dick, getting angry because his baby wakes him up 😑 and he doesn't want you visiting family for a bit of support even though he quite clearly doesn't want to help himself

Having a baby and toddler is hard. Being up in the night and then up for the day at 5 while he has a decent night's sleep and he still gets angry at being woken up at 7 ? What a twat

I think things are going to be really hard for you when you go back to work unless he steps up

And I'd go to family if you can , sod him

Yet another worthless piece of shit male who never should have bred. Two more kids on the planet who’ll have to deal with knowing their father wishes they don’t exist. Discard the scum, enjoy life. [paste:]

‘Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry."

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4288463-AIBU-OH-never-alone-with-kids?pg=3

It's not just about the lie in though, she's already said that..have you not read her posts about her overall situation ?

@Rosscameasdoody

Its not.

I wasn't responding to the op at all but the the pp I quoted.

I've already answered the op.

But she's not responding to people who are pointing out that she needs to stop allowing him to treat her like shit

Also, being on mat leave isn't the same as being a sahm

I never get on these threads though why people act like it's being a sahm v working.

When for most women it's being a sahm (parent) v being a parent and working

Its 1 v 2

2 jobs are harder than 1

And when is your lie in?

Unacceptable, op. Something needs to change

That is the biggest load of sexist rubbish I've ever read, which sounds like it comes from the Privileged Male viewpoint of the 1940s. In 2022, I think most people, not just women, know that being a SAHM is as hard if not harder work that full time work.

Being a SAHP is a choice though.

Most parents would love to be a SAHP but they don’t have that choice.

If someone finds being a parent harder than being in work then they can go back to work and reduce the time they’re at home with the DCs.

My sister found raising her DCs more difficult than being at work so she chose to have less maternity leave and her DH chose to be the SAHP instead.

Most couples I know both work an equal amount of hours.

When does the OP get her lie in? I see you’re carefully not addressing that while you leap to the defence of her DH.

Are YOU her DH?

Yes it's just so easy! Especially paying for childcare for two small children - I've no idea why the OP didn't think of your oh so easy solution.

I have a busy and fairly senior job. I've cut down to 4 days per week since having a child. That day with him is by far the most tiring of the week.

I have so much respect for SAHMs. I couldn't do it, especially day in day out.

@Womblealongwithme I’ve not picked out bits from the OP which many PPs, including you, have done.

OP’s entire question (hint: read the title again) was whether she was BU for waking her DH up even though he only has 1 day off a week/fortnight - for that I feel she is BU.

There are many aspects which she’s not BU about but I’m not going to twist her words to fit my narrative when they weren’t her question.

When does the OP get her lie in? I see you’re carefully not addressing that while you leap to the defence of her DH.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross how do you expect her to have a lie in if her DH only has 1 day off a fortnight?

Why can’t she go to sleep earlier which will mean she’ll still get a good amount of sleep?

I'm always a bit reluctant to comment on threads like this because I don't have kids, so obviously haven't lived through the experience, so my apologies in advance if I'm off the mark with anything.

A few things struck me though here. Firstly is there a chance that your husband depressed? Or is he just experiencing parental regret? It's a taboo subject isn't it, people who have kids are never meant to admit to possibly regretting their choice, but if it is the case, you absolutely need to know.

It sounds like an awful situation for you to be in OP, having to struggle on like this in what I imagine is feeling like a very unloving and emotionally and physically unsupportive relationship - you're doing all the home labour with 2 tiny ones, all on your own whilst your husband is literally only there in body. It would be less lonely and less stressful and less emotionally taxing if you were going it alone, I'd imagine. If your husband is depressed, that's maybe something that can be addressed, but would take wilingnesss from his side to acknowledge and then make steps to tackle.

Secondly, this will start affecting the children. Daddy is about when he's at home, but not really. He's not really that interested in them, is he? Are they going to grow up feeling like an annoyance that he'd rather weren't there?

From what I can gather, you've tried to speak with him about this and you get nowhere. It sounds very much like he doesn't want to have to bother with family life, I can only imagine how lonely a place you must be in right now, for yourself and the 2 little ones, and if it doesn't improve this will be felt ever more acutely by the little ones as they get older.

I agree with previous posters who suggested going to a supportive family members home with the kids. Or even a friend, if the situation would allow. And take as long as you can to have a bit of space away from him. Not to see if he suddenly wakes up and realises he needs to sort himself out otherwise he's going to lose his family, but just for yourself. I think you need time away from him to think about what would be best for you and the kids. There's no guarantee your husband will make sustained changes, and at the moment he's not even acknowledged that he really needs to step up. It sounds like he's broken your trust - you can't rely on him to be a parent in the very real sense of the word, and there's something quite frightening and destructive about that.

Thirdly, there's 4 of you. The needs of 1 person do not trump the needs of 3 others, especially when 2 of those others are very little people relying on both parents for all that parenting entails, and the 3rd person is you, the woman he married, and who he is meant to love and cherish. You must be feeling absolutely knackered right now, physically from lack of sleep, and emotionally... just utterly drained.

I think you need time away from him to explore your options. What happens when you go back to work and you stay with him, what does that picture look like? What does the picture look like if you leave?

Wishing you and your family well, OP.

Yes it's just so easy! Especially paying for childcare for two small children - I've no idea why the OP didn't think of your oh so easy solution.

@Womblealongwithme OP is on maternity leave. So they will be paying childcare soon so I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

@Topgub
You're a sahm because it's easier than working. For one reason or another.

I've both worked a very intense job (partner in the US equivalent of a city firm) and been a SAHM, and I think what this kind of argument misses is the subtleties. Work can be hard, but being a SAHP to a toddler and a baby, with full responsibility for night waking, is absolutely relentless, even if you enjoy it.

@trampolinegame

I think you should go to family, but tell him that you are doing it partly to have some support and partly to have time away to do some real thinking about how things need to change and that he should do the same.

I think sometimes a partner's real, true unhappiness can get lost in the day to day bickering, so I wonder if he's really hearing you? I do think he has no real excuse for not stepping up, both in being a father to the kids and in being an adult companion to you.

Ok. You must be new to MN and not understand how a post works. You see, you can't put the whole issue in a thread title, so you put a title then explain more of your situation (to allow most posters consider their responses based on the situation rather than just the title) in your initial and subsequent posts. Hope that's helpful.

I never understand posts on here from women who think women can do no wrong (as you think this is). But nor do I understand posters who cannot see the bigger picture from a woman who is clearly struggling with a partner who is completely disengaged not only from her but, more importantly, his own children. This thread is about much more than waking someone up in the morning.