AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

[trampolinegame]

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

Full time work is much harder

Surely depends on the work.

OP I’ve read all your posts and there’s a lot going on here isn’t there ? His work schedule sounds crazy and it’s bound to have an effect on all of you. I understand that he needs his downtime and you seem to be mindful of that, but he’s disengaged from you and the children, and in the process he’s making you feel disconnected yourself, and very alone.

There are a few things that make me wonder if he’s maybe heading for some mental health problems, or possibly experiencing them already. I understand that he needs rest on his days off, but if he’s sleeping a lot, withdrawn from family life, and short tempered, these are all signs of depression. He’s also displaying some controlling behaviour - when you try to approach him he says you’re moaning, when you mention a having a break away from him he accuses you of not wanting to keep the family together. And the comment about mums being super heroes is a backhanded compliment designed to keep you in your place.

Unless he’s a true workaholic, the work schedule you describe doesn’t sound sustainable for very long. It sounds to me as though the workload is stressing him out and he feels under pressure to keep it together and maintain the illusion that things are normal. Meanwhile, you’re internalising a lot of anger and frustration that you feel you can’t express because he’s not interested. So instead you’re banging about, shouting to yourself - possibly in the hope that it’ll provoke a reaction, but the only one you’re getting is him closing the bedroom door, which only reinforces the feeling that he’s switched off from it all. Is this anywhere near the mark ?

I think you both need to make time to get to the bottom of things. You need to make him understand that you’ve been trying to support him but things are getting out of hand. Ask him to be honest with you and tell you if he’s having problems himself - if he is, that’s the starting point and maybe a visit to your GP is warranted to get him some help with any associated MH problems there may be. If I’m wrong, and the problem is that he feels entitled to behave like this, making his work load the excuse and remaining ignorant of the effect on you and the children, then that’s a different problem and a different conversation, but still one you need to have sooner rather than later.

He's essentially making himself redundant. What's your financial situation? Do you pool income or is what he earns 'his'?

When you go back to work and you're still doing everything everything, you'll come to wonder what the point of him is and why you're giving house room to a sulky manchild. And then you might start making the financial calculations to work out how you can afford to be rid of him.

He's just exhausted. Not making an excuse. But the few times I do drag him out, he's super moody anyway.

And yes he does indeed just zone out in front of the TV. The toddler tries to get his attention and is ignored. I have to call his name like 5 times if I want to get his attention too. I really hate that. At night when he comes home he's also tired and I've noticed the toddler trying to get his attention and it's the same thing. It's really sad and I have told him. It's a combination of things. He's tired, so I get it to an extent. But we never have days out really together. I'm always just doing stuff alone with the kids and it's really sad. Hoping for the work situation to improve, but I can't help but feel it might not be that different. My sister visited with her family a few months ago and the men would just retreat and we were basically left looking after the children the whole time. He had a few days off then and I really wanted more involvement, but it just wasn't there.

I was really disappointed. But I got an ear full myself from him because I'm not as loving attentive and don't act the right way towards him, like my sister does towards her husband...

It’s bad enough that he’s doing the old ‘I work lots and it’s very important’ card to completely disconnect from you and his children, but…

that he gets angry when you sleep in your own bed and he’s woken by the baby,

that he entirely refuses to help when he’s off work,

that he kicks up such a stink that you have to sleep in the spare room because he finds it too hard,

that he actively object to you seeking support from your family when you’re struggling, while refusing point blank to support you himself…

these extra details are fucking appalling.

@neshtastic

Puketastic

Spot on

Why are you tolerating this nonsense? Why are you living like this?

Haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been suggested but is there anyone you can offload the kids onto for an hour? Take DH for a walk and have a frank discussion about how life is for you abd how you need him to step up. Sometimes being in a different environment can help with these types of conversations. Hope things improve for you OP, he's not being fair to you at the moment.

@Cherchezlaspice

Indeed OP, why are you tolerating this nonsense.

He's treating you like staff.

Every. Single. Day.

Ah well. Enjoy more of the same, then. Save up for therapy for your kids, and triple up on contraception if you choose to stay with your shit bloke. ‘Maybe it’ll be easier then’ 😂

@LetsGoDoDoDo you can choose to read just the OPs posts. She has repeatedly spoken to the scumbag. He openly doesn’t give a single fuck about her, or the kids he bred.

I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face. Apparently I just moan. He says he'll 'try' more. But that his work is so exhausting, I'm expecting too much from him and he's the hard done by one, because he can't win at work or at home and feels like he's failing on both fronts and has no support from me, just grief.

I guess I do feel for his work situation and he manages to convince me that aibu to expect more to be honest.

What's his job?

OP I think you need to remind your DH no-one ever said on their deathbed "I wish I'd spent more time at work"

Then you need to give him an ultimatum and set a date for it and mean it. He doesn't change because you don't make him. All you do is talk. You need to show you mean business. You need to tell him specifically that you will file for divorce by so and so date if he doesn't change/agree to couples therapy. You need to set the ultimatum out plainly and MEAN IT.

So he has approximately 3 days off a month? It's right that you should be doing all the childcare and housework. It's him that has the crap deal not you.

I think this man is doing too much and is burnt out and when he comes home he is genuinely mentally depleted from work and disengaged I’ve been there at once as a single parent juggling working full time and sleepless nights and honestly there was a time where I felt so guilty for being so switched off come the weekend and hearing kids voices around me but being so zoned out I’d rarely respond and staying in all weekend it was miserable but I had nothing left to give after work. I had to go to the gp and get signed off and then reduce my hours and quickly returned to my happy family life.

tho equally I feel you too are burnt out and verging on depleted because being at home is hard too. I think you need to stand up for yourself more tho , either leave him if nothing will change or go and stay with family for a bit and care for your own mental health. When you return be clear you won’t be a single parent living with a partner you won’t be pushed out your own bed etc . Personally I would rather leave him and struggle myself than be with him and struggle

The OP wouldn't be the first person to find that arrangement less stressful and less exhausting that managing a recalcitrant man child.

He gets seven nights and a day each week usually.
She gets no nights and no days.
She isn't allowed to sleep in her own bed.
She isn't allowed to accept help from her own family (that one is a red flag for me).
He doesn't even change a nappy or talk to his own children.

That isn't a man who is too exhausted to help much - that is a man who is using his work schedule to make the OP's life more difficult and block her from getting any other help.

If it was genuinely just work pressure then he would have no reason to block her from visiting her family or he would get a decent bed in the spare room so they both could sleep instead of just him. He wouldn't completely ignore his own children.

What happens when she goes back to full time work? People like this don't change.

Plus of course her DC will grow up with a model of Mummy as serf to Daddy's demands and that Daddy can dictate what Mummy is allowed to do and who she can visit. Not a pattern I'd want my kids to have learned.

You’re sleeping in the spare room with your baby because you ‘just have more tolerance for discomfort at night time’ and doesn’t want you in the bedroom. You’re enduring discomfort because he’ll get angry if you don’t.

You’re not going to stay with family because this idiot (who does nothing to keep you together as a family) says you don’t want to keep the family together. This man wants you isolated and suffering.

He and your BIL retreated and left the women to tend to the kids and you just…let them?

Stop ‘arguing till you’re blue in the face’ as he clearly doesn’t give a shit. This man has zero respect for you. Presumably you have some respect for yourself? If so, pack your things and go stay with the family that actually supports you. Get some rest and evaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like something that got on his shoe.

You are not a passenger in your life. You have agency. Use it.

3 days and 30 nights.
That is 3 days and 30 nights more than the OP.

yes it's often that little time off. It's really not a lot at all, so I get what you're saying. Which is why I feel guilty sometimes after I've had a big rant at him.

Honestly, taking everything into account. It would be ok ish for me if he just allowed me time to go and stay with family as much as I needed during this difficult period for our family. Rather than accuse me of not holding the family together. That change alone would probably be enough for me to survive this period. He was OK with me going a while back, but has made it clear he's not keen on another visit.

It sounds like his job is not compatible with your lifestyle now you have two kids.

I’d be putting a deadline on the job situation changing or encouraging him to look for another one and if it didn’t change soon I’d be questioning if I could continue living this way and would consider leaving.

Until his work situation changes nothing is going to change for you and it’s going to be hell when you go back to work.

i hope you are able to work it out with him.

Why does he want you trapped at home OP.

You're walking on egg shells around this man.

Go see your family for heavens sake.