AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

[trampolinegame]

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

Yes, I am absolutely saying this. If he was a SAHP, up through the night with the babies, then if course I would say he should have an equal amount of lie-ins? If not more, in all honesty. The person who has had a full and unbroken night's sleep every day, will not need to catch up on their sleep in the same way as the parents who's been up through the night will.

But even if she did get to have the lie ins, then surely 1 lie in every 2 weeks is not enough to catch up on sleep anyway.

Surely if she knows she has to be up during the night or up early then it would make more sense if she went to bed early.

If there were multiple days where either of them can have a lie in then it would be different but there’s not and that’s through no fault of his own.

You really do have a DH problem.

Do you want to carry on like this? Because he has no reason to change

Your DH sounds awful. Yes, he’s working nonstop, and that’s extremely exhausting. But so is looking after a toddler and a baby, doing night wakes. And no, it doesn’t mean that as OP is staying at home at the moment she gets to nap or lie in with a toddler and baby!
My OH works nonstop over the summer also. Barely a day off over July and August, working 12-14 hr days. But we still all sleep in the same room and when he is home in the evening or has a rare day off, yes, I let him lie in (he’ll still usually only lie in til 8:30max) but once he’s up he’s fully with us, engaging with our baby and me.

OP, you do need to have a serious conversation with your DH about his participation in family life. I understand he can’t change his hours for now, but he must understand that also makes life a lot harder (physically and mentally) for you, and doesn’t mean he gets to completely check out of family life when he does get a bit of time at home.

One thing you can change straight away is replace the mattress/bed in the room you're sleeping in so you're at least comfortable. If you don't that is quite martyr-ish as that's something you can sort out, even if you buy it on 0% if you're short on funds for now. I am guessing he works in a warehouse or something similar, I know you said you can't go into it but there's absolutely no reason why he couldn't look into changing jobs.

Apart from anything else you need to get a good bed for you and the baby.

Did your husband always had a job where he works so much? I guess its understanable that he is knackered and all he wants to do is sleep. I dont find closing the door unreasonable per se, theres no reason why should have interrupted sleep because of the door. Having said that, the whole situation is not right and you need to assess the whole family system and find a way for him to be involved and do his share of looking after the baby and household. What are the chances of him getting a different job?

Absolutely this.

He is the one who is disloyal to his family.

Not allowing you to sleep in your bed is outrageous.

My DH has a busy job and we have a baby and a young child. I'm up during the night with my baby, so DH gets up in the morning with them both and lets me like until he goes to work. He gets them breakfast, dressed and ready for the day and then brings the baby to me to put his down for his nap and takes our daughter to nursery on the way. There is no need for his to not pull his weight. Everyone is busy and no one gets enough sleep, but there are ways around it and he is being extremely selfish. I would not put up with that lazy oaf in my house.

He sounds awful and abusive. You're tiptoeing around him so as not to trigger his anger. There is no excuse for his shitty treatment of you and his children. None. He's a selfish arse. It's really that simple.

My husband works extremely long hours in a very important role, but he still does as much as he can with DS when he's home because he loves his son and wants to be as involved as he possibly can.

I'm sorry OP but you're 100% correct when you say you think he isn't interested in family life. So now you have to ask yourself if this is the life you want to live with him as he's made it very clear that he won't change.

You created this, so go fix it.

Stop sleeping in the baby's room - fgs what's that about?

Set up a rota so when he comes home, before he relaxes he has things to do. Make sure he's up on his day off by planning family things. One day a week have a pj day - that means everyone inc you. The kids can come into your room.

So essentially at present you are are a single parent to two young children, Sharing a house with someone who wants nothing to do with any of you? It sounds like a recipe for disaster u less something changes. If he is unable to contribute anything except money at present, for whatever reason, then use it to buy in help if you can, eg a sitter to entertain them for a few hours so you can sleep, someone to clean for a few hours each week, one of those nice ready meal companies like Cook. If the budget doesn’t stretch to that, then staying with with family until you are back at work, so that you don’t end up even more exhausted and resentful. Then when you are at (employment) work, he needs to start pulling his weight with the housework and childcare. Because if he’s not interested in you or the children, not being a partner or a father, then why is he even there?

Your dh doesn’t love you, he doesn’t cherish you, he doesn’t even like you or his dc.
If he says he does then he needs to remember actions speak louder than words.

OP my best friend and colleague works in quite a stressful job where we need to be alert and on our game, so it’s important he gets his sleep.

His wife is a SAHP so obviously does childcare all day as well as cooking and cleaning etc.

As soon as he gets home his wife goes out or upstairs and he takes over childcare for the rest of the evening, feeds and baths them and then puts them to bed.
His wife will get up in the night and in the mornings with them.

On weekends (he has 2 days off) they each have a lie in which is obviously not possible in your situation.
One day is spent as a family and one day is spent with him having full responsibility of the DCs whilst she goes to her mums for the day.

I think my friend does quite a lot considering he works FT too but he says he misses out on them all day and WANTS to spend time with his DCs.

You say your DH can’t change his hours which is fair enough.
You can’t have lie ins because he doesn’t have 2 days off a week, which isn’t his fault and I do think he needs his sleep more than you.

But when he is off he needs to be just as involved (if not a bit more) than you.

If he works 8-6 at his job then you work 8-6 as a SAHP.
Any childcare out of those hours should be shared.

I think it’s nice of you to be flexible as you’ve said about how he has no choice to work those hours but there’s a line between being flexible for someone who works hard to provide vs being a martyr/push over.

So when is op's lie in? She gets broken sleep and looks after a house and children. I would say that she needs at least an equal amount of downtime. You disagree?

Your husband is a twat, you know this, he wont change because he doesnt need to. The choices are you leave this situation as is, stop enabling or leave. He wont change just because you wish he would.

There are so many threads like yours where the DH is just a lazy twat when it comes to family life and pulling their weight, the hours he works are really immaterial, he can still engage when he is home if he wants to, many, many partners do. I am sorry you chose such a bad apple.

Are you sure his work situation can't be improved, or is that just what he's telling you?

If he's self-employed, could he bring someone in to help? Should his employers be employing someone else? Can he delegate? Presumably if he's ill someone has to take over, or would the whole business just fall apart without him? If so, that's a really unhealthy situation.

Tell him he will have to put up with it, that is what normal fathers deal with all the time.

Why is she? I absolutely agree with @SunnyD44

Full time work is much harder than staying at home with your children.

I know it’s not the point, but to improve the situation is it possible to invest in a better bed/mattress for your spare room?

It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage or that he even wants to be with you, he doesn't even want to be in the same bedroom as you. You're housemates basically, that's all. Your thread is heartbreaking. Would it help if you gave him an ultimatum and tell him he either agrees to couples counselling or you're leaving? His response will tell you if he is willing to fight for his family or let you all go.

Are you sure his work situation can't be improved, or is that just what he's telling you?

This^
It's the easiest excuse under the sun to say you HAVE to work 6 days a week, but does he REALLY have to?
Many parents have to change jobs after they have children as their hours are just not family friendly.
My own DH changed jobs when we had toddlers so his commute was 20 mins instead of over an hour. Meant he was home by 6 most nights and could spend time with DC and be there for bath time.

What he's doing is not sustainable for you as a family. He either needs to sort his hours out where he is or get another job which is not 6 days a week.

I think his mentality has really seeped through to you because you keep saying “us” as though you and the kids are a unit, and him separate. I’m sure that’s how it seems, but it’s the wrong mindset for everyone to be in! The parents should be working as a team.

He really needs to rethink his attitude.

For a start, the baby’s cot needs to go into the nice bedroom, and you sleep in there in the nice bed. If he then wants to slope off to the crap bed he can.

You need a massive talk about him taking up all of the available rest. Your job is just as important as his, and you need to be rested and awake to take care of children properly. You need that lie in on his day off and he should be happy to give it to you - he should be insisting you take it.

He can’t just wait til his kids are older/ teens to start engaging with them - he’ll have no bond with them, and you’ll massively resent him.

If his job is really so bloody important that he can never do his bit (I doubt it) it ought to be very well paid, in which case there should be some discussion about paid help.

"Full time work is much harder than staying at home with your children."

That is definitely a matter of opinion! I've done both and being home full time nearly killed me! I'd choose working full time over being at home full time in a heartbeat. Might be different if both children were at school but full time pre-schoolers is tough.

Also you talk about him “being angry” several times, as though this is something you’re afraid of. Another worrying sign.

That is the biggest load of sexist rubbish I've ever read, which sounds like it comes from the Privileged Male viewpoint of the 1940s. In 2022, I think most people, not just women, know that being a SAHM is as hard if not harder work that full time work. Being a SAHM is 24/7 as well. I'd choose going to work full time over SAHM any day, it's a walk in the park compared to SAHM. OP's husband has the easier deal.

"Full time work is much harder than staying at home with your children."

Having done both (currently full time working single mum) I disagree wholly with this statement. Nothing was ever harder than being home with a baby! And you have a toddler too (I have a five year gap - not deliberately just didn’t happen quickly for us - so this I have never done).

Have always worked demanding jobs when not on mat leave too.