Is it possible as a state school parent to emulate a private school education & how would a motivated one start?

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This thread is triggered from all the recent press about the Cambridges & Lambrook press.. Basically the press are harping on about the time spent outdoors etc, surely parents can do this for free etc.. Out of interest how can a motivated parent who can't afford private school emulate a private school education? Please be kind!

Rachel, that may be true of top public school like Eton but your average small private school isn't going to have much impact!

You need to find a way to over inflate their confidence and make them believe they are superior to "normal people". I have some privately educated friends some of them were told pretty regularly that they are tomorrow's leaders and were born to rule. I imagine this can be emulated at home.

@DoNotWorryBeHappy

Re show a love of reading, children follow adults.

Please remember each child is different and actually not every child enjoys reading no matter how much their parents model it.

Private school is about the right peers too.
Manage friendships.

We did pretty much all of this with our DC (minus the ballet!) because that's what they chose to do. Plus they both went to Grammar schools in a nice area. And both ended up at Oxford.

But it isn't the same. Most of my university friends were privately educated and they had a confidence or sense of entitlement (not in a bad way) that my DC and a lot of their friends don't have.

It's hard to describe, but it's like there is an assumption that if they want something, it will happen, they don't need to worry. Fancy travelling? They can afford it. Need an internship? They know someone. It's an inner sense of being born to rule, because their family always has. And I'm not sure that can be emulated.

Maybe it is family circumstances rather than schools per se.

Please remember each child is different and actually not every child enjoys reading no matter how much their parents model it.

Definitely, I loved reading as a child. My sons are not keen readers despite my best efforts. I think the internet is too much of a draw for many kids.

I had to sit in on my son's interview to match him with his school tutor (our school doesn't have year group forms). He talked about sport endlessly and when they asked what his non-sporting interests were, he said reading (just why?) and when they naturally followed up with a question about what he was currently reading. He said he'd managed 40 pages of Joe Root's (England cricket captain) autobiography.

Transpires kids say all sorts when they're being interviewed (also hates science, said science was his favourite subject). I said nothing but cringed for the whole interview.

Funnily enough, some of us have the confidence in our kids' ability to thrive and succeed on their own merit, rather than through nepotism. How sad to feel that you need to buy connections in order for them to do well!

And how flawed your thinking is, too! As if sending your kids to a local indie is really going to bring them into contact with the movers and shakers! Yes, you'd probably get that at a top public school, but the families using the average indie are really not likely to be anything to write home about.

If we needed to fall back on using connections and pulling strings in order to help our dd succeed, then I'm more than confident that DH and I have a solid network between us that we could call on if we so chose. Connections are at least as reliant on family as they are on the school. However, dd has already demonstrated ample ability to make connections and generate opportunities of her own, and there are people queuing up to help her on the basis of the impression that she has made on them. I'd far rather that she does it off her own bat, than rely on having to pay for advantages that other people don't get access to... what kind of empty success would that be?!

I think it's the top public schools that produce that sort of sense of entitlement, rather than your average independent school.

Personally, I find it exceptionally unattractive, so it isn't something that I would want to emulate, even if I could!

Or maybe not even the schools at all, and just the family background. Either way, not something that I would have wanted for dd.

My kids are state-educated. Of the two that have sat exams, they got nine grade 9s between them and the rest 8s. DD got AAA* at A Level and is off to Oxford.

I really can't stress this enough - they were not the highest achieving kids at their primary school. They were both good readers but not outstanding at anything really.

The difference is their general knowledge. This is true of all of the students at their school who have performed similarly. I really think the key is reading aloud to then, days out, and discussions. Not you lecturing them on political systems, but just chats about things that are happening/things they might have noticed. If you can eat dinner as a family, all the better.

DH and I are both state-educated but we both attended Oxbridge so the kids have always seen that as part of their heritage/potential future. However my mum left school at 14, but what she did do is ensure I read a lot and spent a lot of time out and about (mainly in the forest). I do think a lot of it is about your kids knowing that you value education.

DH is a senior teacher in an "excellent" private school. We were offered free places for ours but chose not to take them up.
We aren't into hot housing at all and wanted ours to have less pressure at school. They went to the local secondary, got excellent grades and have great careers.
They have friends from all walks of life.
I think the key to uni admissions is to have something that sets them apart from the other applicants. One of mine was a chorister who sang at the 2012 Olympics and for the pope.
One rowed at national level, one plays a very niche instrument and at 14, set up her own business playing at events. None of these cost much, rowing was £60 a year. Rugby £12.
DH and I aren't sporty or musical at all, we just let them run with their interests. It took a hell of a lot of commitment though to get them to all their hobbies.
All of them did Army or Air cadets as well, such amazing organisations that are so underused by state school kids.
To give them confidence, nothing beats knowing they are loved for who they are. Value spending time with them, be there on the sidelines. Do things as a family even if they moan about being dragged up catbells in the rain. This lot have a shared bond forged by the "trauma" of many camping trips 😁. Teach them everything you know....we are into wildlife, our kids aren't, but they know every bird by call alone and most butterflies, trees and a lot about the night sky and weather patterns.
Play board games. Do art projects together. Eat meals at the table with cutlery! Garden. Watch the news and discuss politics. Fix things.
Meh to reading.
Other than "Stick man" at Christmas, I can't recall ever reading with them.

Lots of extra curricular but also crucially time to do family activities. We took long road trips each summer, 3 weeks often visiting castles, historical places etc. we went to Shakespeare plays and the opera, they both play instruments and are choristers, I enrolled them in summer school.

I should add the holidays and cultural activities were mostly selfish, that's what I like to do! They moaned a lot but now take themselves as adults

You might improve social contacts if you join clubs as well as the DC.
If you learn to sail and join a sailing club and take the children you will be more a part of things.
Riding; find a way of joining in then you meet the families who do it. If you just deliver to the activity and wait with the other parents you are all newbies together and still outsiders.

My dd switched to private last year in year 9. She was not doing well in a very large state secondary. Her English teacher was a bully and hated her so she was always telling her off for stuff like looking out the window (which she does to find inspiration whilst writing) and touching her hair (anxiety induced, I imagine as she isn’t like that at home). This report doesn’t just come from her btw, her classmates said the same.

You’ve had lots of advice on what to do. The biggest thing I would change if I could go back is moving into the catchment area of a smaller, more rural secondary.

I’m not sure that private school does always open doors, or that you need private school to have those doors opened.

my friend is a barrister, he is French, went to a French state school and had no connections or strings to pull to get to where he is today. He didn’t need ‘old school ties’ to get pupilage or a tenancy.

My nephew has gone to private school since he was 4. My BiL has shelled out thousands and thousands of pounds on his and his little brothers education, Nephew just got his A Level results and, not meaning to be rude, they are average - not a string of A* - and he’s off to do a course he’s interested in at a Uni he wanted, so that’s all good. I’m not sure, in his case, that the private education was worth it, to be honest.

our children won’t be privately educated - frankly we could just about have afforded it if we scrimped and saved before these price rises but not now. I’m not sure the sacrifices we’d have to make to afford it (literally no holidays, no extras and watching every penny) would be worth it, when I look at nephews outcome. I’m fortunate though that DC are bright and self motivated, if they start to struggle at local comp we might revisit the decision but for now we are sticking with state.

I know a few people who have sent their youngest dcs through the state system, having been underwhelmed by their older dcs' experience in private schools. There is no real difference in outcomes for the younger kids, and in case, the state educated dc has far outperformed his privately educated siblings. He is also happier and socially more confident than his brother. I don't think that's because he went to a state school. I just think that a great deal is determined by a combination of family background and innate personality. I'm not sure that the schools make so very much difference.

In one case, that should have said! Wish there was an edit function on here!!

Slightly off topic, more about a well rounded person and confidence. As well as visiting Museums, English Heritage & NT You are only watching. You need to find things that are making, doing, hands-on getting involved. Can you OP rewire a plug? Make sure they can.
Reading is fine can they make an Airfix model? At an appropriate age get them to measure and saw a piece of wood in a straight line. Can they paint a door without leaving deep brush marks? As they get older teach then to solder.
Up close and dirty, and a sense of achievement.
Girls as well as boys the same.

We’ve not used tutors I wouldn’t automatically think state requires one to do well

Some of these suggestions sound quite ££ skiing for example

Funnily enough, some of us have the confidence in our kids' ability to thrive and succeed on their own merit, rather than through nepotism. How sad to feel that you need to buy connections in order for them to do well!

I don’t think it’s a case that it’s a lack of confidence that their child/ren won’t succeed without it, but a lubrication of the path. It’s a shortcut, which isn’t the same as an inability to take the long way round.

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I went to a private school in the UK, so I can’t compare to state school on a personal level due to lack of experience. I would say that in private school (mine, anyway) you’re taught that the the world is your oyster, and of course you’re going forward to achieve success, because why wouldn’t you? It’s taken for granted. There was definitely access to a multitude of extra curricular activities, as well as specialist subjects that aren’t commonly found in state schools.

Connections were of course made between families of the pupils. For example if A wants an internship in a particular field, then he or his father can call B’s father, who can arrange one in his company. A could have for the legwork himself of course, but why, when all he needs to do is make a phone call to set the wheels in motion?

It would be much better to abolish all forms of selective education and just ensure all schools were good quality.

I'm not unsympathetic to your point but it's easy to say and hard to do. I used to work in a school in a very deprived area where only one parent turned up on parents day, and where it was not unusual for a parent to ask dc to keep them company at home because parent was feeling depressed.
How do you make uninterested parents value education? What about specialist schools - music, dance, drama. They have selective intake too.

My kids were never told they were superior to ‘normal people’ I think you misunderstand.

It’s a quiet confidence that they can mix with all people and adults in all social settings. You don’t overinflated their confidence, that doesn’t make for nice people.

I think that might be better expressed as "they can mix with all people and adults of a certain social standing in certain social settings".

I have known quite a few privately educated people who have been frankly terrible at mixing with people from much less privileged social backgrounds, and the worst part of it is that they often seem not to even realise the extent to which they are alienating others with their lack of awareness.

The key difference must be knowledge of how society works in order to live a life that you can choose.

As I said, I did well at state primary. Of my five closest friends, all were from working families. Parental occupations were teacher, teacher, factory manager, teacher, factory fitter, Secretary, process operative, small scale catering business owner (think funerals and wedding anniversaries), photography shop owner, SAHM, teacher, scientist. Three of us played an orchestral instrument. One rode. None of us played any serious sport. 5 of us did Duke of Edinburgh. 4 went to guides. 2 edited the school yearbook. One family used to drive around France on holiday which we all thought was a bit odd. Our parents didn’t really know each other at all. We used to go to the cinema, the local youth club, and then gigs when we were older.

We all did alright academically.

BUT…. We had no clue about ‘reading round your subject’, we were just passing exams! Two of us wanted to do medicine and law, no one from our school sixth form had ever done that. Only one person from our school had ever been to oxbridge. Our school work experience was dominated by working in local schools, factories, offices and shops… there was very little planning to it. I’d nearly finished university before I was able to put together what gap years, internships and training contracts were, by which time it was too late.

That’s the difference. Its knowing that that this stuff exists, that people live different lives to you, and that the opportunities are even there…. Let alone taking advantage of them.

State primary and secondary that should say!!