Is it possible as a state school parent to emulate a private school education & how would a motivated one start?

[Superspender]

This thread is triggered from all the recent press about the Cambridges & Lambrook press.. Basically the press are harping on about the time spent outdoors etc, surely parents can do this for free etc.. Out of interest how can a motivated parent who can't afford private school emulate a private school education? Please be kind!

You can provide a supportive home environment for your child. Help with homework, go on enriching visits to local amenities, keep healthy together, show an interest in what they do at school etc. Just be a good parent. You can't give them a class of 10, but you can give as much help to you child as possible, and support the school as much as possible.

Bridging the cultural, social & educational gap hopefully!

Perhaps for the most reluctant readers we could substitute other models of story telling - at, drama, theatre, movies etc. It's a bit more challenging, but so valuable for the child to get to grips with a narrative, understanding structure/setting the scene/characterisation, lovely descriptions etc. Also other ways for non fiction research for projects, and perhaps an appreciation for poetry, heard rather than read.

German - sociology. Fairly or unfairly it’s sneered at. Any “traditional” subject is fine. I wanted to do home ec a level thank god my dad stopped me - I ended up doing corporate law in top snooty city law firm no way would have got in with home ec !

i have a bright but very dyslexic son, His father and grandfather were also very dyslexic, just not recognised as such. He loved being read stories, and still prefers to listen, although he reads too now, but it's never his first choice.

Our two started school at the local village school but couldn't cope with the mixed age classes and the noise, colour and general 'chaos' in the classes. They are both autistic and have ADHD. We were then able to get them both bursaries to go to the local prep. school which worked so much better. The classes were smaller and the desks were arranged to all face the front rather than in groups which they liked. It was much quieter and they were outdoor loads but at school much longer each day. They came away having learnt to be polite and caring for others, they learnt a lot about other people and cultures and were lucky to have Olympians and astronauts come and speak to them. They never eat sandwiches for lunch, there was a chef who prepared lunch for everyone as part of the school fees. So everyone learnt table manners and tasting different foods.
They were given confidence in themselves and their own abilities and to praise others for their success. They were always invited to every class mate's birthday party and visited some stately homes and mansions as guests but never felt inferior. That might just be particular to the school they went to but that was our experience.
That to me is the difference and I'm not sure how you replicate that.

Do not worry be happy,

I can assure you that enaged parent's who want their DC to enjoy the arts will be doing that.

I know you mean well but I really hope you aren't the teacher who implied my dd wasn't reading because we her parent's didn't value reading enough?

@MsTSwift thanks for the information

I did ask & appreciate all the detailed replies. Very insightful & alot we can replicate within our means, thanks all!

Yes I've always said this, there's an unspoken code, even in terms of dress, holidays & travel, food... Even extends to dogs & what your children's names are...

To an extent it’s the education but lots of kids at private school don’t ski or sail, their parents can’t afford it or it’s not of interest to them. Plus as above list shows most of that stuff you can do outside of school.

DH attended a private school, I attended a state school. I am mixed race so also had a bit of hardcore Chinese parenting. Dh is a science Professor and I was an academic Librarian.

There is natural raw talent and then there is nurture. We did not send our children to a public school, we could tutor at home and between us could cover all subjects.

We encouraged sport, we are both in to sport ourselves. We could afford trips overseas and lots of days out. We played board games, we never ever let the children win, they had to actually beat us. I taught them how to cook Chinese and English food at a young age. I taught them both to read before they went to school. We read to them every day. DS also attended cadets. I was by English standards strict at the time but nothing compared to what I had as a child.

When it comes to all the unwritten rules, DH and I know them. DH has ancestry that means there are some family portraits knocking about from a few hundred years ago. I grew up poor but both My Mothers and Fathers family were from the English established middle class and the wealthy Chinese merchant class. My Mother was disowned by her family, it was the 1960’s.

Extra curricular- just do fun things with them. Mine live to go out blackberry picking this time of year and then we make crumble together. Bake with them, get them involved in Scouts, watch clouds, go for a walk and bring a camera so they can take pictures. Do a scavenger hunt, make lava lamps, put a tent up and camp in the garden, grow vegetables in pots, make an obstacle course in the garden then get them to lead the other through it blindfolded.

I really can't see how any of that would compare to a private school education. Surely parents do things like this anyway?

I know! Baffling! Pretty much everyone I know does that stuff when kids young 😁

Honestly unless it’s Eton or Harrow from what I see there’s really not much between a bog standard private school and a good state one. I can assure you The end product is the same if all the parents tertiary educated professional types.

Think back to lockdown.
There were huge number of posts from parents on our local social media who'd just "discovered" parks within a mile of their house they'd never been to before. And many many posts about how to amuse your children at home.

An awful lot of parents rely heavily on organised activities or, on the other end of the spectrum, just expect their children to amuse themselves. I also know quite a few private school parents who like private school because they expect the school to do everything for them in terms of organising activities, homework support etc.

The code I think is the hardest thing to crack, I am clueless but never want my dc feeling out of place the way I do/did...

The code I think is the hardest thing to crack, I am clueless but never want my dc feeling out of place the way I do/did...

My grandmother was a horrendous snob and made anyone (particularly in the family) that 'broke the code' feel dreadful. She knew the most trivial of etiquette rules that were probably too minor to even be featured in Debrett's.

When I had an interview at Durham, she was convinced that the professors would see my table manners (not sure why she thought we'd be having lunch together) and reject me. (A) My table manners are perfectly good, (b) there was no lunch but a large Mancunian called Gav got me very drunk in the college bar and (c) I received the offer much to her surprise.

I don't think private schools are about an etiquette type of 'code'. My sons' friend are confident and polite but nothing more than that. (I'm not saying state schools kids aren't these things). Perhaps the code or perceived 'barrier' is shared experiences, for example, overseas sports tours or whatever.

I've been on both sides of state/private and I think the barrier may be largely perceived from the 'outside', perhaps due to the self-confidence factor, than really existing on the 'inside'. There's no Eastenders type accents in our school but I'm not sure you'd pick the kids out as private school products.

Thanks everyone did all the excellent responses, DH & I need to up our game☺️ when I was in my early 20s I had a very posh boyfriend whose sisters were friends with aristos & were just awful to me. The first question they asked me when they met me was "where did you go to school"? They never heard of my state comp & always ensured I felt out of my depth with their little in jokes & little things... I never want my daughters to feel inferior like I did..

I totally agree. Speech making competitions. Drama, choirs Lots of socialising

Super I had similar as for some reason fell in with the public school set at university then worked in the city. They were nice people but there were some awful comments made about state schools as they assumed everyone went to public school.

Even had a mortifying interview where the law firm partner realised we had been at school in the same city. He had gone to the top public school there he asked where I went. Awkward pause “not heard of that one”. Got the job though! The friends in the city weren’t common or garden ex private school they were the international elite who are far more exciting would recommend getting in with them!

Super I had similar as for some reason fell in with the public school set at university then worked in the city. They were nice people but there were some awful comments made about state schools as they assumed everyone went to public school.

Me too. And 99% male in my department. But although they'd gone to some of the more prestigious public schools, and it was an occasional topic of conversation, they never made any negative comments about state schools. They'd have considered it bad manners.

Nor did I feel inferior coming from a grammar school but that's probably a personal choice and some find it easier than others.

It's not etiquette or manners. That's for the MC.

Upper class don't give a shit about etiquette or manners, it's about confidence and socialising. Trying to hard with manners and etiquette makes you a try hard.

I like a naughty posh boy 😂 great fun on a night out.

It was your posh boyfriend’s sisters who should be feeling humiliated and cringing at their behaviour back then. Do you really want to bring your dds up with a view to being able to fit in with snobs like those girls? Instead of being proud of their own backgrounds? You can emulate public school culture through ski trips etc but how far does it go? Elocution lessons to make sure they speak with the right accent? As soon as they’re asked which school they went to the game’s up anyway.
I’ve always found it hilarious if someone asked where I went to school (local selective private) and they’d replied with the name of theirs which I’d never heard of as if it was something exciting. How sad and embarrassing!

I was lucky enough to get a bursary place at my local private school. The difference was probably - we played a lot of tennis and hockey, I got to study Latin, we got more theatre trips for English lessons. Most people wanted to work hard and get good exam grades.

I think you could get your child piano lessons, enroll them in some weekly sport clubs, take them to the theatre three times a year and get them a tutor in senior school if they struggle with any particular topics