Really don't want to go on this hen do

[AngelicaSchuyler1]

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

I would tell the bride what the plans are and I probably wouldn't go. Then maybe you could take the bride on a spa day or something instead? Sounds so chavvy and gross what this woman is trying to plan!

Ask the bride how she feels generally about these things, you don't need to tell her what is being proposed at this stage.
Tell the Tacky Hen that any expenses need to be agreed in advance as you are all on budgets and have different ideas of what would be fun. You could also add that personally you are not up for wearing those things, and as a previous poster said, doubt that you will be admitted to a decent restaurant if you are wearing them.
What are the other women saying?

Tbh based on that reply I would forward that message to bride, explain what’s going on and simply state you don’t want to be part of it. It’s got to a point where the bride either tells you to go along or kicks out other hen

I feel sorry for the other people in the restaurant.

She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

You don't get to spend other people's money without consulting them, particularly on things that are demeaning (eg slutty tee-shirts). Tell her that's her look out.

You must tell the bride.
This is ridiculous that one hen in such a small hen party is going to ruin it for the rest of you because no one will stand up to her.
Put a stop to it before the whole thing goes sour

One would assume that these are very young women, but I've a suspicion that they're all probably late 30s.
Also on good incomes.

She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.
"ha ha Sandra, nice try, I'm not subsidising your unilateral decision to waste money on tat."

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits.
She can insist.
You can refuse.
Stop allowing peer pressure to dictate to you. YOU have personal autonomy, & a mouth capable of uttering the word "no".

And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.
"Sandra you seem not to be getting this so I'm going to be very clear. I did not ask you to buy that tat, I do not want that tat, & I certainly will not be paying you for it. If you want your money back, send it back for a refund. Do not ask me again."

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.
Well done & keep it up.
It wasn't that hard, saying NO, was it?

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.
"Sandra you are getting carried away. It's not your hen do - it's Friend's - she wanted something a little more classy, & would NOT be impressed to be ordered to wear a penis outfit to a nice restaurant."

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?
Of course you bloody tell her! You know she''ll hate it as much as you do so there no surprise to "ruin" is there?
"Friend, Sandra is going overboard with ghastly tat, male strippers, tacky t shirts & - wait for it - a penis costume she is insisting you must wear on our evening out. I am pushing back as hard as I can but she is pretty insistent, so I'm giving you the heads up now."

The thing is, as soon as the bride left the group chat, the other hen started bombarding the group with things she had bought and what she was planning. Following it all up with "ladies lets remember this weekend isnt about us but about the bride. We need to give her the best", making it very awkward in the chat for anyone trying to oppose her.
"Exactly Sandra - & as I have been a close friend of the bride for X years, let me tell you she will hate all this. So please cut it out - Friend needs the hen do SHE will enjoy, not the one you favour."

"Not being funny but Ive put in a lot of effort to make this fun for Bride. Dont appreciate your text, we are all part of this weekend and Ive spent money to make this good for her, still havent received your share for the items. Get off your high horse and stop thinking youre special, its not about you as Ive said before."
"That's right Sandra - it's not about me, it's about Friend, & as I've tried to help you understand, she will NOT feel that the (tat, stripper etc) will "make it good for her.". You need to stop demanding money from me for items that Friend will not like. Nobody asked you to spend your money, you didn't consult anyone or ask what Friend might enjoy - you've just done what YOU will enjoy. So it's YOU who needs to stop making it all about you, & start considering the bride's preferences."

"PS stop demanding money from me. It's not my problem that you went & splurged cash on stuff Friend will dislike."

Wow, what a cow! I’d send another group chat message saying you don’t want to buy yet more tacky shit as it’s already expensive enough.

This happened on my hen. I’d gone for a cottage with hot tub for a weekend and a day out with meal. I had a few friends not earning the same as the others and it was very much come to part/all whatever suited with family needs and budget.

I had one friend who was considerably more well off who went on a complete tangent on tacky shite. Didn’t discuss with my bridesmaids and then at the end of it all told everyone they were due her £50 each. I was just gobsmacked! One because she had spent so much on shite that no one wanted or used (including me) but because she just thought it was ok to spend other peoples money.

Thankfully my sister who didn’t know her said she’d deal with it. She emailed everyone and said Xx friend has spend xx on the shite and if anyone wanted to contribute could they send whatever payment they felt appropriate direct to xx. She then blocked her - I think the friend would be lucky if she got £20 of the money she spent.

'Whore'/'slag' tee shirts, strippers, dressing as a penis?

I'd genuinely be pretty angry if someone expected me to have anything to do with that, and to pay money for it. Not a chance.

This kind of 'hen' do surely doesn't actually happen anymore? It sound truly fucking awful and about as 'funny' as a dead dog.

Here we go - it is so easy to spend other peoples money.

I would tell the bride that this is being planned to ask her opinion.

I doubt any decent venue would allow you all in dressed like that so the night would be ruined anyway.

Is this sort of thing not a bit outdated now? Seems very early 2000s.

You’ve got to talk to the bride. It sounds ducking awful and I would want no part in it. Or blame when the bride hates it all!

’Hi friend, I’m so sorry to put this on you but there’s a really tricky situation with the hen do plans and I just don’t know what to do. XX is trying to do the organising and has bought and planned loads of stuff which just doesn’t sit right with me and I really can’t see you wanting. It’s making it really difficult for us bridesmaids to organise it all because she’s completely taking over and buying stuff without asking any of us. If you’d like her to organise it and you’re on board with a stripper, T shirts, premises etc then that’s totally fine, I’ll just attend as a guest and step back from the organising. But attempting to organise by committee just isn’t working and I’ve been really worried that you won’t enjoy all this so I felt I had to give you a heads up so there’s a chance to reign her in if you want to. I’ve tried but she didn’t take it well and is pretty adamant that she’s organising the hen do she thinks you should have. I really didn’t want to stress you out by raising this but it’s a really difficult situation and I just don’t know what to do.’

Alternatively a message for trashy cow in the main group:

’Dear trashy cow, as I said before it’s great you’re so enthusiastic about the hen do but please could you step back from any organising and just enjoy attending. It is the role of the bridesmaids to organise and it’s just getting too confusing and expensive if others keep buying things and billing the group with no handle on overall costs. I’d hate for you to be out of pocket because you decided to buy things that others weren’t in agreement with. When XX asked us to be bridesmaids we also had lots of chats about what she does and doesn’t want from the hen and as you say, it’s all about giving her the hen do that she wants isn’t it?!’

This sounds bloody awful, I think you'll need to have a quiet word with the bride. I'd have been mortified aged 25 and I would be now.
You know her a lot better than Cowhen and I'm sure she'd want to look back at her hem do without being embarrassed and humiliated in public.

You need to tell the bride, I don't understand what's stopping you! You don't want to ruin a surprise you know she'll hate? That doesn't make any sense at all.

Just ask the bridge if a penis-themed evening with some adult entertainment would be acceptable, or if would she prefer something a bit classier. Let her know that the penis-theme is not your idea. Then she can decide.

I shuddered and cringed at the thought of any of that stuff. Honestly it is so tacky. I got married in my early 20's and would have been horrified at any of this and I was very young and impressionable compared to a grump hitting 50 now.
You hvae to tell the bride. This woman will ruin her entire weekend.

'Whore'/'slag' tee shirts, strippers, dressing as a penis?

I wonder how the organiser of this tack-fest would react were she dining in an expensive restaurant and a group of noisy stags came in wearing t-shirts with offensive slogans, wearing big breasts etc? Actually she soulnds like the sort of person who would find it amusing!
I doubt the restuarant would allow you in done up like that.

Yep, all of this

Jesus christ your update!
I think we all know what kind of person she is now (the type you avoid at these events...)

With any luck she'll get nowhere, have a tantrum and fuck off.

OK, so at this point you and the other bridesmaid definitely need to talk to your friend about this, I think. Clearly this other hen thinks she knows best what your friend wants, and I think the only way to stop this is for her to be told very firmly by your friend that she absolutely doesn't want this kind of hen weekend.

Yes, I know it's all supposed to be secret and the bride isn't meant to know about all the behind the scenes stuff, but telling her at this stage is far preferable to her having a hen weekend that she will hate.

I'd be having a chat with the bride. Make her aware of some general issues. Go back to the group. Assert yourself. Make it clear you're a bridesmaid. Talk to the other bridesmaid too. Sign the message from both of you. Be very clear you won't be sending any money.

If there is any money to be discussed, do it then.eg would anyone like to put in 20 quid for some champagne and taxis to restaurant.

You need to step up to your role. Or officially step down.

After your last message it's definitely time to get the bride involved. You don't need to tell her the other Hens exact plans but you could explain in general terms.

I wouldn't mind wearing a Willy costume on a hen if it was just at a house, but there's no way I'd go to a posh restaurant in one, not a Wendy the whore t-shirt! That's sounds awful!

I would be bold and message in the group chat sorry I dont like the way this is going and I wont be taking part in any of these shenanigans. And I doubt the hotel will permit it anyway.