Really don't want to go on this hen do

[AngelicaSchuyler1]

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

This is absolutely perfect. Have some class.

One of my friends got married a few years ago and I was on the hen party group. I know my friend and know she hates anything ostentatious, showy off and especially stuff involving slapper outfits and naked men. I had to step in with another 'hen', who I didn't even know, or I knew my friend would end up being mortified, and I certainly wasn't paying for her to be upset and uncomfortable.

I think you need to talk to the bride and let her know what's planned. If she hates it, then you need to be brave and say on the group chat - yes this is about the bride and this is her idea of hell so let's go back to the original plan.

Personally that's all my idea of hell and I would just walk out and go home.

You also need to think that if she hates it, she might blame her two bridesmaids for not at least giving her a heads up.

I wouldn't be paying for anything that nota been explicitly agreed up front.

Woman up! You’re the bridesmaid. Tell her your friend wants to keep costs down for everyone so no more purchases unless you ok them first. And on the day just refuse to wear the t shirts to the restaurant

I would be runnng for the hills, tbh.
This is SO not me, & if you think the bride will feel the same way, you must let her know..

You can't drop out! You are one of only two bridesmaids, it's your responsibility to make sure she has a hen do she loves!

If I were you I'd put a message in the chat to say that the enthusiasm is great however you know that isn't something the bride would enjoy and then make other suggestions.

If you're really pushed to it, tell the bride about the penis costume/t-shirts for the restaurant etc so she can intervene. Also gauge her attitude towards a stripper, I would absolutely hate that but it's something I'd tell the hens before.

This might be fun in the privacy you of your room or rental property, or even a night out in the city centre, but no way in a decent restaurant.

I’d tell the bride, not the exact details, but that you will be too embarrassed to go and will therefore be dropping out. It’s up to her then to dig deeper if she wants to.

Be a real friend and don't let your bf be humiliated in this way. I would have been livid if I was expected to wear a cock costume and endure a stripper.

'Appreciate the effort you have put in to come up with your ideas for entertainment at the hen weekend, I haven't got the funds to pay for it but I'm sure if you expected us to pay something you would have checked with us first. Oh and the restaurant doesn't allow fancy dress so how about we save it for the bar crawl after?'

A male stripper is a grim idea. I'd definitely not contribute anything to that and tbh would probably go and sit at the bar during the performance. Perhaps taking the bride with me.

Sounds terrible, see if you can get a few other hens to back you up, say you'll happily wear the daft. T-shirts when the bride turns up, but everyone will get dressed up nicely to go ti the restaurant

I would compromise and say that I would wear the t-shirts at the house for pre-drinks and games eg Mr and Mrs etc. I think you’re totally right to say no to the stripper, I’d refuse to pay for that, even if I was asked beforehand. I wouldn’t even watch him when he arrived. For £40 a head (stripper payment) I’m sure you could instead have a lovely extra paid treat. At our wedding we had a caricature artist and it went down really well. Would the bride like that? Also, everyone gets a souvenir.

You are the Bride's best friend and Bridesmaid, not this other woman. You need to put your foot down and state that these things are not happening. You can't stop this woman buying tat but you and others will not be paying for it/not be wearing the offensive t shirts and you highly doubt the bride will be too.

You're her best mate and one of her two bridesmaid - if you can't have a quiet word in her ear and see whether she's be happy with this or not ; who can???

This situation breaks the "need" for secrecy.

It doesn't seem like someone who'd book a country house hotel type place with spa etc is really looking for that type of shit on their hen do.

Where is the stripper going to be performing incidentally? In one of the bedrooms?

Cause I doubt the other guests are all going to be happy to have a bloke stripper doing his routine, with accompanying shrieking etc in their shared common/public space.

You need to tell the bossy one that you aren’t paying for anything you didn’t agree to.

And if you think the bride would hate what’s planned as any normal human being would then you need to tell her so she can deal with it. Hopefully that will involve her telling bossy one to sod off and uninviting her.

Unless the rest of the group seem happy with this plan, in which case I would just leave them to it!

I don't understand why she has been allowed to take over like this. As the bridesmaid and best friend of the bride, surely you should be the one making the plans? I'd make sure with the bride that this is not the sort of thing that she wants, then announce on the group message that you are taking over the planning and all the items she ordered must be returned.

This other hen is a cow.

I sent her a message privately saying "Hi Hen! Thank you for participating so eagerly in the plans for the hen do, however as myself and Other Bridesmaid are supposed to be organising the planning of the weekend, can we politely request you hand the reigns over to us. Unfortunately I don't think Bride is going to really enjoy the things you have organised and from my conversations with her, she wants a bit of a classier weekend. Hope you understand x".

Her reply:

"Not being funny but Ive put in a lot of effort to make this fun for Bride. Dont appreciate your text, we are all part of this weekend and Ive spent money to make this good for her, still havent received your share for the items. Get off your high horse and stop thinking youre special, its not about you as Ive said before."

😩

The benefit of the conversation being on WhatsApp is that you can challenge this from behind a screen. You can either message the bulldozer directly or the whole group.

‘Hi , while I think Sarah will find these things funny at the house, knowing her she would feel very uncomfortable out in the restaurant like this. I know she was hoping for a chilled / classy / whatever event so maybe we can have a think about how we can channel that for her.’

Christ this sounds awful. Surely hen nights aren't like this these days!

I would have hated this at my hen do, and that was back in 1996!

Sorry, just seen this. Reply

’You’re right, this is about the bride not the rest of us and I know this sort of thing would make her uncomfortable in public. We can use the stuff at the house and I will transfer the money but any other decisions about spending and activities need to be discussed in advance with everyone. It’s really important to all of us to make this a weekend which bride will love and knowing her as I do, we need to reign in some of the penis / tack related plans or that won’t happen’

Suggest she buys another penis costume for herself because she's behaving like a massive prick.

Omg she sounds awful. How does the bride know her?? Message the bride and let her know it’s being hi jacked.
and msg back to hen bitch and say that not only do you not have any intention of paying for these items, but you certainly won’t be wearing them!

I'm confused, why is this hen organising the hen do? Surely it should be yourself and the other bridesmaid. If she's just took it upon herself to organise it, she really is power crazy.

Stick to your guns, tell her you won’t be sending her money, speak to your BF. Hopefully the other hen will strop off and not come…

So it sounds like your friend has organised her own hen do, and now left the group chat and this girl has taken over?

IMO the bride hasn't made it easy for you tbh. You're either organising it as bridesmaids or you're not. And you're not. If you were in charge from the start you'd have the obvious authority to say what goes. But you don't.

Usually I'd be saying don't bother the bride with this but given that she's organising the hen I think you need to have a discreet chat with the bride and find out what she wants.

Very difficult and I don't envy your situation OP. You've got to go though, sorry. You're a bridesmaid!

WOW! I think that response definitely gives you the go-ahead to stop being so nice and put her in her place.

Definitely message along the lines of, you are right, it is all about the bride and therefore this is a final request to stop organising these things that appear to be all about what YOU want and that other bridesmaid and I know are not what she wants and will not enjoy. We will NOT be paying for any of the items you ahve taken it upon yourself to order and we will not be wearing any of the clothes.