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Original poster

Really don't want to go on this hen do

734 replies

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 11:37

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 26/08/2022 13:05

"Not being funny but Ive put in a lot of effort to make this fun for Bride. Dont appreciate your text, we are all part of this weekend and Ive spent money to make this good for her, still havent received your share for the items. Get off your high horse and stop thinking youre special, its not about you as Ive said before."

You are not being funny, that is the problem. Some of these items might be briefly amusing while we are in the house, but I think the bride, and the other hens, will be uncomfortable with them in a public place. I am thinking about the comfort of the bride, and her enjoyment of this weekend. It should not be about what YOU think is fun. I do not appreciate your aggressive tone, and as I previously stated in the group chat, I will not be paying you for items you bought without consulting anyone first.

VivX · 26/08/2022 13:05

Firstly I'd be telling the pushy Hen that it isn't anyone else's fault that she spent money without checking first, so she (the pushy Hen) gets to suck that up all by herself. That might make her think twice about spending any more money without asking.

Then, assuming that you sound the Bride out on her views on tacky t shirts and penis costumes and the she isn't keen, then I'd just say you (and whoever else) are taking over the organisation of the Hen so that the "do" is what the Bride wants, because it is all about the Bride and not about what the pushy Hen wants) and then pushy Hen can either go along with what you organise or not go.
And then set up another group for the organisation and get everyone else to either leave or ignore the first group

mommynette · 26/08/2022 13:05

YANBU @AngelicaSchuyler1 By the way, I have never been to a hen do because my mates are still single, not many of my mates getting married??🤔I have been to weddings but they don't do hen do's, maybe it's cultural reasons, I don't know...

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/08/2022 13:06

At this point I'd be telling the bride. This woman is going to ruin it for your friend and since she isn't going to listen to you, she's either going to have to listen to the bride or if the bride does want it then it's upto you whether you still want to go or not.

WhyWhyWhyMum · 26/08/2022 13:06

Tell this hen the only person wearing the cock costume will be her, as she's behaving like a massive dick!

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/08/2022 13:06

I'd simply tell her I refuse to débase myself and wouldn't be paying her for buying things without doing a check with everyone first or checking if the bride was up for the grossness.

If my friends do that for my hen I'd hate it!

kirkandpetal · 26/08/2022 13:06

Nope, this is not on.

You need to speak to the bride and outline what exactly is planned. It sounds like must of this batshit tack fest would not be up her street. I would also be speaking the the restaurant and get their take on tacky T-shirts and hideous costumes. And a stripper - juts no. I would have been mortified if any of this crap had been wheeled out at my hen do.

This cowhen isn't not your friend and you've already drawn battle lines so nothing to loose by telling her exactly where to shove it. And I would t pay for any of that sh*te either. Juts the cost of the house and associated food/drinks as agreed by all.

Snugglemonkey · 26/08/2022 13:06

No nice restaurant is going to find that acceptable! I would say on the group that you do not think it is the hen weekend the bride is hoping for and that you are not prepared to pay for any of those things.

I would also warn the bride. If it were my hen party, I would want a warning so that I could put my foot down. If anyone came near me with tacky penis stuff, I would be horrified!

SpotOnMyBot · 26/08/2022 13:07

omfg the cheek of that reply

YellowTreeHouse · 26/08/2022 13:09

I would tell the bride. I would explain to the other hen you won’t be giving her any money, nor should anyone else, and that you’re letting the bride know what an absolute shitshow she’s organising.

Sarahcoggles · 26/08/2022 13:09

I agree with others, I think you have to tell the bride now.
Does this hen know others in the group?

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 13:09

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 12:22

This other hen is a cow.

I sent her a message privately saying "Hi Hen! Thank you for participating so eagerly in the plans for the hen do, however as myself and Other Bridesmaid are supposed to be organising the planning of the weekend, can we politely request you hand the reigns over to us. Unfortunately I don't think Bride is going to really enjoy the things you have organised and from my conversations with her, she wants a bit of a classier weekend. Hope you understand x".

Her reply:

"Not being funny but Ive put in a lot of effort to make this fun for Bride. Dont appreciate your text, we are all part of this weekend and Ive spent money to make this good for her, still havent received your share for the items. Get off your high horse and stop thinking youre special, its not about you as Ive said before."

😩

Oh dear.

I would message the bride and say due to a disagreement whereby you tried to stop the trashy penis hen do and stripper you are no longer attending the hendo but hope she will join you for some classy cocktails.

Meseekslookatme · 26/08/2022 13:10

I would also not be conducting any messages outside of the group now.
Everything in public. I bet you get back up.
A lot of people are anxious about being the one to say it, if you are seen to have said something others may join you.

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 13:10

PS if trashy penis hen is on mumsnet - get some class and treat your friends with respect

TrashyPanda · 26/08/2022 13:10

She sounds totally unhinged.

and her ideas are ghastly. She shouldn’t have spent money on her hideous T-shirts , stripper etc unless everyone agreed to pay.

i think you need to tell the bride.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 26/08/2022 13:11

I would just tell your best friend and leave it to her to decide.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 26/08/2022 13:12

The thing about you not being special is bull too considering you are one of two bridesmaids therefore you are actually special to the wedding party.

How does this tacky hen know the bride?

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 26/08/2022 13:12

I've organised a hen do before and I had a lot of problems with the MIL. I had to balance asking the bride to talk to the MIL without being specific about the "surprises". Which she did and it turned out fine. Speak to your best mate.

Irridescantshimmmer · 26/08/2022 13:13

The other diners in the restaurant could be extremly offended by the 'dodgy atire' of the few and may complain.

I would back out of that and refuse, refuse and refuse to pay anything towards it.

The person organising the suprise has just presumed that others would be content to be seen as sluts when some would not wish to be seen dead like that and to expect others to pay for something they feel utterly disgusted with is totally out of order.

Keepingupappearance · 26/08/2022 13:13

Oh god she’s awful. And she will be DESPERATE for a fight and some drama on the weekend. Her ideal outcome would be the bride comforting her after a bust up while she wails that all she wanted to do was make it all about the bride.

I would tell the bride.

AlexTheBird · 26/08/2022 13:13

Honestly, you need to tell the bride. Its not cool at all for anyone to get a response like that to a perfectly reasonably message - you've been incredibly measured and polite. This other girl has not. If I was the bride I would want to know that a friend of mine was being such a cowbag to my bestie...
Everything you've said about the bride screams 'NO PENIS COSTUME! NO STRIPPER!' Imagine how awful it will be if she has a rotten hen weekend because nobody stood up to this heinous woman?

fuckblippi · 26/08/2022 13:14

"Bride doesn't want any of that, nobody asked you to organise it, no one is paying. The weekend is being organised by the bridemaids. See you then.

TimeForTeaAndG · 26/08/2022 13:16

On the main group chat just put "other bridesmaid and I are the only ones organising the events for the hen do. Bride does not want a penis-filled weekend, hence the nice restaurant planned, which definitely won't allow us in if we turn up in the suggested outfits. Please run any purchases by us before spending money as we are not able to just share our costs of things we are not aware of."

Then I'd start a new group chat without the cowhen and organise everything on there. I'd also be inclined to refund cowhen her share of the house hire and cut her out completely if she's not particularly close with the bride.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 26/08/2022 13:16

Oh god 😩
You are going to have to message the group and call a halt to all publicly.

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 26/08/2022 13:17

The old line "it's not all about you" tells me that the tacky cock costume hen thinks it's all about her ... steer clear and tell bride.