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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really don't want to go on this hen do

734 replies

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 11:37

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 11:55

AngelicaSchuyler1 · 26/08/2022 11:54

Just to clarify, the other hen isn't a bridesmaid or involved in the wedding party at all. She will be a guest at the wedding but is invited to the hen do.
The bride isn't having a MOH as her sister passed away a few years ago and she always wanted her sister to have that role. She is only having two bridesmaids, myself and one of her other friends. The other friend is very laidback and is just going along with all of the plans made by the other hen.

I will admit I'm not a very confident person and really hate coming to blows with anyone, this other hen is like a bulldozer as well and I just cba with her. But sounds like I need to woman up and tell her to sod off.

The thing is, as soon as the bride left the group chat, the other hen started bombarding the group with things she had bought and what she was planning. Following it all up with "ladies lets remember this weekend isnt about us but about the bride. We need to give her the best", making it very awkward in the chat for anyone trying to oppose her.

You need to speak to her and make it clear she isn't part of the hen planning process

Private message at first but if she keeps going you'll need to do it in the group

It's awkward but has to be done

JubileeTrifle · 26/08/2022 11:55

Forced fun is never fun. I’d message other people going and ask them how they are feeling about it because they might feel the same.
I once had to drop out of a hen do because they prices became ridiculous and I felt so bad (and I lost some money). Got to the wedding and literally no one who was friends with the bride had gone, just work colleagues. Wish I’d been able to message others and do something else.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/08/2022 11:57

You dont need to tell the bride the details (incase she would like the surprise) but I would have a general chat about what tone of hen do she would prefer...normal night out, low key catching up with friends or does she want it obvious to everyone that they are on a hen do, 2ith traditional cheesy costumes and games.

Then depending on what she says, you can go back to the group chat and say categorically that you've spoken to the bride and she does / doesn't want x type of night and so you wont be contributing to something that you havent agreed to, that the bride wont even enjoy.

I would also call the restaurant and clarify their dress code and ask them to confirm that you wont be allowed in if you're dressed in penis attire (you can kind of explain the situation) and confirm to the group that you won't be allowed

isthismylifenow · 26/08/2022 11:57

Step up and speak to this woman. This is the least you should do seeing as the bride is your best friend! You may not look to you as a friend if you don't say seeing as you know she will hate this.

But, a penis costume??? I must live under a rock.....

FrazzleDazz · 26/08/2022 11:57

If you and one other are the bridesmaids, I'd tell this other hen who sounds like she's bought things without prior agreement that she can do one. It's the bridesmaids job to take the lead, there is no way you shouldn't be going, if someone shouldn't be going it will be the hen who has taken over without consent! I think you need to firmly tell her the costumes are NOT happening, and if she has paid that's her fault for forking out for things she shouldn't have. If she's still resistant I'd a) check the restaurant policy on this sort of thing, and b) as a last resort, tell the bride and get her to veto.

rainbowstardrops · 26/08/2022 11:58

It sounds hideous and crappy but do you think the bride would like it?
If you don't think she would then you definitely need to speak up.
Why is this person organising it all anyway?

SleeplessInEngland · 26/08/2022 11:58

The thing is, as soon as the bride left the group chat, the other hen started bombarding the group with things she had bought and what she was planning. Following it all up with "ladies lets remember this weekend isnt about us but about the bride. We need to give her the best", making it very awkward in the chat for anyone trying to oppose her.

Message the other hends separately and ask what they think of it all. Presumably they're as baffled as you are.

Hadalifeonce · 26/08/2022 11:59

One of my best friends told me one of the other hens was organising a stripper, she wasn't sure I would enjoy it. She was absolutely right. I asked he to inform the other hen I would walk out if a stripper arrived.

Please tell the bride, at least some of what is being planned, to get her take.

Hiddenvoice · 26/08/2022 12:00

I would speak to the other bridesmaid and say you know the bride would not like any of this. You are a bridesmaid, you need to stand up for your friend here. All you need to do is put a polite but firm message on the chat saying the r shirts are great, we will wear them in the house. Let’s vote on who would like to contribute to a stripper- if you know the bride wouldn’t want one then say so! Why not say that for the restaurant all the hens will wear a darker colour dress and then bride will wear white. Tell this other friend that the things she’s bought are great but for the house only. Then remind her not to buy anything without consulting filial group first.
This girl is going over the top but she’s not a bridesmaid, just a friend so has no say on who can do what, she’s not controlling the event.
if it makes you feel better, speak to the bride and say things are getting a little out of hand but you don’t want to worry her so you’re taking control of the weekend.

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 12:00

20viona · 26/08/2022 11:42

This actually sounds like
Great fun and exactly what we did for our friend and it was a hoot. All depends on your personalities if it's something you'd enjoy or not.

It sounds vulgar and not at all classy.

Alldelicious · 26/08/2022 12:00

I would talk to the bride, let her know what's going on and see if she wants to step in.

If it stays as is, I wouldn't go, but arrange dinner or drinks with bride another time.

Don't try and resolve anything by text.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/08/2022 12:00

When she says it's about 'doing the best for the bride' on the group chat you need to say something along the lines of 'absolutely agree its about the bride, and so we need to bear in mind that her best might be different to ours, I have checked and know she wants x y and z type of hen do, and penis costumes don't fit in with this, I know we would all hate to disappoint her so although it's a lovely sentiment, we need to forget the straws / t shirts etc.

Seaweed42 · 26/08/2022 12:01

I'd say it to the bride and just see how she feels about that sort of thing.
If it were me I'd like to know what the vibe was going to be.

WaltzingWaters · 26/08/2022 12:01

A penis whistle and straw, fine. But dressing up as a giant penis- absolutely no way. And the tacky t-shirts announcing yourself as a whore- no way! And she can’t just buy all that without asking you and then demand the money.
I highly doubt a fancy restaurant (or even quite a few nightclubs) are going to allow you in dressed as a giant penis or with T-shirt’s saying whore etc anyway.
the stay in a nice place with a hot tub and dinner sounds lovely, and a bit of hen do tat is fine, but this hen is going way overboard in the tackiest of ways.

Lunabun · 26/08/2022 12:02

I'm sorry but if I turned up at my hen do and it was like this, I honestly think I would just go home 😭 luckily the wonderful hen do my lovely friends organised was a far, far cry from this.

I wouldn't want to spend my money to go on a night like this either tbh.

MrsR87 · 26/08/2022 12:02

Have you checked that the restaurant allows t-shirts like that? Most don’t. That might be an easy way to get out of that one!

Has anyone checked whether the bride wants a stripper? I would have walked out of my hen if my friends did that. Perhaps the bride and groom have an agreement not to have any strippers?

Sounds like my idea of hell and I can see why you are apprehensive. I would also get in touch with the other hens and see where they are at with this!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/08/2022 12:02

Oh lord in which case get this woman told!

Send her a message along the lines of

"It's great that you want to be so involved with the hen party activities and plans, but you need to take a step back and let those of us who have been asked to organise things do so. Several people have mentioned that the t-shirts and giant penis costume make them uncomfortable so we have decided not to do this. I'm sorry if you're out of pocked but this should have been checked with us before you made the purchases. I understand that you're disappointed, but like you say, let's remember that this is about the bride so lets not make things awkward for her sake"

DappledThings · 26/08/2022 12:03

Sounds absolutely awful. I'd not be going and I'd definitely give the bride a heads up so she can be prepared/tell other friend to tone it right down if she wants to.

Hagrod · 26/08/2022 12:04

I've never understood the penis thing, it's just grim. I would give this a pass and not even think twice.

MimiSunshine · 26/08/2022 12:04

Tell the bride. She sounds like me, I initially planned my hen night because I have huge anxiety about social occasions where I’m the focus I knew what I wanted and planned something quite similar to your bride. I also dropped out of the group chat once initial plans had been established.
i wanted an occasion that me and my friends could get together, have a nice relaxing time and get dressed up for a lovely meal and drinks which we don’t get to do too often.

I’d have been very upset if it was then hijacked with stupid T-shirts and told I was wearing a penis costume.

if I were you, I’d point blank refuse to pay for any of the crap or stripper and I’d be making it very clear on the group chat that you know it’s not what the bride would want.
so what if tacky hen gets offended or annoyed, you don’t know her and she shouldn’t be making it what she’d want from the weekend.

if that doesn’t work then tell the bride and she can rejoin the group chat.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/08/2022 12:04

As the bride, I would be really upset to think that one of my friends railroaded the planning of my hen do and made others feel so uncomfortable that they no longer wanted to come.

If she is your best mate she will want you there. If you can't resolve this away from her, definitely speak to her.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 26/08/2022 12:05

I would pass. How tacky. 🤢

AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 12:05

Hagrod · 26/08/2022 12:04

I've never understood the penis thing, it's just grim. I would give this a pass and not even think twice.

You'd pass on your best friends hen party, where you are one of the two bridesmaids?

I bet you have a healthy social circle... Confused

bumpertobumper · 26/08/2022 12:05

You can't not go - that would be allowing this hen to wreck your friends hen weekend.
You say the other bm is laidback and you avoid conflict, but on behalf of your friend you both need to step up and pull rank. There isn't a MOH, so as the only bridesmaids you two are the senior officers.
Talk to her, get her and the others you know on board and have a coordinated approach on the group chat.
If bride would enjoy the dressing up that can be done at another moment, not to ruin the nice dinner. Come up with a plan and impose it - be more proactive and assertive.
If annoying one doesn't back down, then talk to the bride. I would rather know what's going on than a surprise I hate in her shoes, as I think would most people.
This woman is t your friend, you have nothing to lose by stepping up into your BM role.
Good luck!!! You've got this! 🥂

GreenManalishi · 26/08/2022 12:06

Have a word with the bride and let her know what road it's going down. If she'd have wanted a hunny slaggy weekend she'd have booked you into somewhere that would fit. Hint that it's gone all penis-costume, and there's about to be a dick covered in whipped cream waved in her face and see what she says.

If she says great, stick your tshirt on and do the thing. If she says nope, then you know what you need to do!