Really don't want to go on this hen do

[AngelicaSchuyler1]

Hen do woes...

My best friend is getting married in November.

She has booked a hen weekend for Oct in a city 2 hours from where we live, we are staying in a big house and there's a spa and swimming pool, hot tub, nice restaurant on site etc.

We've all had to pay £189 each to stay in this house for two nights, plus costs of driving there etc.

My friend was originally in the group on FB messenger but has since left so we can organise surprises etc for her. One of the other hens has decided to take charge and Im actually dreading going because she's turning it into a total tacky chav fest.

She has already bought us penis whistles, feather boas, t -shirts with "funny" names on them (e.g. Juicy Jenny, Hannah the Whore, Slaggy Sam) and is insisting we wear them when we eat at the restaurant on the first night. This is a NICE restaurant and not cheap. She has also bought a penis costume and is insisting the bride can wear it to the restaurant and it will be "such a laugh". She bought all of this tat without asking us first and now wants us all to send her the money for it.

A couple of us have piped up and said we want to wear nice outfits to the restaurant but this hen is insisting that we do all of the above to make the bride laugh, and that we can wear the t-shirts over our outfits. And she's not going to be returning any of the items and we need to each pay a share for what she's bought.

Added to that, this hen is also insisting we all chip in for a male stripper, which will cost £40 each and his performance will be maximum 20 minutes! I have flat out refused to pay for this and the group chat got a bit tense as the hen was insisting we do it.

I know my best friend and yeah she might find the above funny when we're all in the house together but I also think she will be embarrassed arriving to the restaurant dressed as a cock and got the impression from her she wanted a more classy weekend enjoying the facilities on site and having a nice meal together.

I've never met this other hen before but I already dislike her and she is really putting me off going to the hen weekend. She is really bossy and all of her ideas are tacky and hideous.

Do I tell my best friend what the other hen is planning and potentially ruin the surprise for her but give her fair warning? Or do I keep my mouth shut and just try to enjoy the weekend as best I can?

I'd privately message the bride and tell her what the bitchy hen had organised...leave it to the bride to tell her to piss off.

I can't think of anyone who'd want to dress up as a penis in a nice restaurant.

Are you all 17?
Christ on a bus. Folks are crazy and with money to burn.

Yikes.

The £189 for a weekend in a nice house is not absolutely terrible.
The penis paraphernalia... Meh, fine in the house for a joke.
The stripper, absolutely not ok and no way would I pay for this.
The attitude of the other hen is just insane though. Who speaks to someone like that! 😱

'Your purchase of the items was your choice cowhen, if you wanted us to contribute you should have asked us first, this weekend is not about you either, it's about what the bride will want. If she enjoys crude fancy dress and the restaurant allows it then i will join in but the purchase of the items was your idea only and your choice, so deal with it.
The male stripper idea is a step too far, perhaps save up for that for your own personal time if you like that sort of thing.
See you on the hen do, can't wait to meet you, I'm sure we will get on like a house on fire!'

Yes. This

It sounds utterly grim to me, I would be furious with the blasted woman. I would definitely let the bride know; it has all the ingredients for a hideous break.

I'd reply 'no, apparently it's all about you'.

Don't let it drop, it sounds as though you aren't a lone voice in disagreeing with her plus you are the bride's best friend and bridesmaid and know her preferences more than this other woman. Definitely do no hand any money over to her and let the others know they aren't to feel pressured into paying her for the tat she has bought either.

Perhaps make a fringe group chat and continue the plans on there instead.

What is her relationship with the bride?

This wording is great.
Polite but firm.
I'm a little less polite 😬
I'd have no issue with crushing this tacky bullshit, but 10 years ago I'd have struggled.

Bloody hell. This is shaping up to be a nightmare. I can see why you are tempted to bail.

Start a new WhatsApp group and organise a classier, more select event.

This actually sounds like alternative idea

Ooooh she is a pain!

HunHen,

I'm not sure where you've got the idea that you're in charge of the arrangements, but you're mistaken, and this stops here. You have taken it upon yourself to purchase items without agreement from the group, which you're welcome to do of course, out of your own pocket. There is no agreement from the rest of them to use them/wear them and they will be unwelcome in the restaurant Bride has booked for us.

I have spoken extensively with Bride about the hen do, and am well aware of what she wants. This is of course about her, and myself and OtherBM are well capable of taking it from here and making sure she gets the celebration that she wants and deserves. If you're unable to be reasonable about this I'll have to involve Bride, and that's obviously not something I want to have to do.

Appreciate your cooperation, many thanks

You need to speak to the bride and tell her what's happening. She will then need to say whether that's the hen night she wants. If it is, you can say at that point, it's not for me, so I will bow out and you and I can go for a meal out etc.

Message your friend with a list of stuff (penis outfit among them....) and ask where her line is. I'd HATE all that I'm public abd would be mortified at a nice restaurant. I might find it funny at the house.

Exactly this

Also just say to this hen: anything we collectively want to pay for, we need to agree collectively before the money is spent.

Crikey - she is going to be a challenge! What is other hens relationship to the Bride, why on earth does she think she knows best?

This is the stuff of nightmares for me and exactly why i organised my own hen do!

At this point I would refuse to go. What nonsense.

Maybe a reply along the lines that you obviously have very different ideas about what the bride likes!
Tell her no more spending unless discussed and approved by the group or you simply won't contribute to further costs.
You're not in agreement with her about how fun these items are but will take the lead from the bride at the weekend if she wants these items included or not..
It's going to be hard work though, isn't it?

There is absolutely no way I would be sending her any money. I’d tell her that directly too - probably with an additional comment advising where exactly she can put her “funny” t-shirt and penis whistle.

Sorry no - OP is a bridesmaid. She has a responsibility to stop Cowhen (love this btw) from ruining her best friend's hen do!

She can't drop out or set up a separate hen do!

The bride has organised a lovely-sounding event, and Cowhen is about to ruin it. OP needs to get her big girl pants on here, speak discreetly to the bride about what's going on, and then take direction from the bride how she and the other bridesmaid should handle it.

If I had unfortunately invited my own Cowhen without realising I'd be furious if my bridesmaids just let it happen!

Definitely say this, perfectly put.

Something along the lines of what GreenManalishi suggests. A gentle approach isn't going to work.

YANBU. It sounds absolutely hideous and likely to get you barred from anywhere except the worst possible places.

Definitely tell the bride, ye might be refused entrance to the restaurant or anything, tell her!!

Personally I’d just roll with it and laugh it off.

I would discretely sound out the bride too..