Have I massively overreacted?

[HoneyGate]

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

This

This will be long I'm sorry. My own dh, has on occasions in the early days been the type who goes to the pub "for a couple of pints" to watch football at 3pm and will say he'll be home by 8pm and that he wants dinner together and would make plans with me to watch a movie or whatever and then it gets to 1am and he still not home and as he's been known to fall asleep on park benches, or get into some right states sometimes, it was only a handful times a year and he sort of grew out when I was late home (by an hour and a half) and he was worried I'd fallen over drunk or whatever and he sort of realised then how I must have felt when he's five hours later than he said he would be. It's easy to get caught up in having fun and lose track of time but i totally get the annoyance at being ditched and having plans changed.

I do think you overreacted by driving off to parent but I think he's been a bit of twat too. Not because he's had a couple of pints, that's not the issue. Dh would never go out on a bender if he had something important the next day, like a weekend away because he'd be helping make sure we hadn't forgot to pack anything and all that shit and he wouldn't want to risk still being over the limit the following morning and not being able to do his share of the driving if I wasn't feeling well (which I often didn't in the last few months of pregnancy) but also, as my maternity leave got closer we both started having a bit of nerves and anxiety and I do understand those saying he's trying to make up for what he feels is him not being able to go out much after baby is here but that applies to women too.

It's not just the men who feel like this, women also face big changes to their lives and bodies and have their "oh fuck it's really happening I'm scared" moments too and for me personally, maternity leave was one step closer to my life and body changing and it was just as scary for me as him. My last day of work before maternity, dh actually had secretly arranged to finish his own job early, he drove to my work and surprised me because he suspected I'd have a lot to carry on the bus, as I worked with families who'd also been very kind and bought me baby things as well as my colleagues and he said he thought I might like a hug if I'm emotional when leaving too. We went for a nice little meal and walk and talked through how scared we both were and becoming parents I talked about worried was about pushing a baby out of fanny and it never being the same again.

So while I agree you were unreasonable driving off to your parents, I think sometimes it's easy to forget, it's not just men who struggle becoming a parent and it sounds like it's less about carrying a brolly and a some flowers, and more like him not being there for you when he said he would be, at a time that's just as daunting for you and I hope he acknowledges that instead of just telling you he "still loves" you and you being the only that apologises, he acknowledges it wasn't great in his part either, because for you, the big changes have already started, that was your last commute home together for a while, possibly forever depending on what your plans are after maternity leave, his day to day routine remains unchanged for a while yet, yours is changed now, and you'd asked him to be there for you and he wasn't and it's not crazy pregnant hormones to be a bit hurt and annoyed. It's a very valid way to feel. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

@luxxlisbon Have you read the post? He promised he would help and then f* off to the pub. A rgrown man surely is capable of going out another night if they want to and discuss it in a mature way insted of throwing a hissy fit and be stroppy nd reuse to help. You clearly are having a bad day, or you are one of those people whom no one ever helps so you think it's normal not to get help/help others.

That's not fair at all just because someone else stated their opinion and it was different to yours. We don't really know the whole context of the situation as we don't know the relationship of the people this post is about.

Personally, if my partner "agreed" to help me with something I was capable of doing on my own, and then changed his plans to see friends instead, I'd be a bit miffed but it's not a big deal. Life is too short for this shit.

I forgot to say that you are utterly unreasonable for having one of those massive brollies anyway. Dangerous in the wind, they'll have someones eye out.

I hope you've been able to start your break on a good footing @HoneyGate .

@gonutkin Surely it's fine to express my opinion on someone else's (rudely put) opinion? "Running to mummys's house", how patronising was that. I find it funny how people defend a dude in a pub (it's not like he would have missed out on a one of a lifetime occasion) but try to belittle his partner with petty comments like that.
The partner went to a pub- something that he could have done on any other day. No obstacles. On this particular day he said he would help out with something YOU don't find a big deal, maybe OP did, she's pregnant, and she knows her circumstances. The DP was being a dick about it like if she was limiting his personal freedom on ONE DAY, all was asked of him was to keep his word.

"Or are you one of those people whom no one ever helps"

I think you were miles ruder. If you think someone else was being rude then by all means point it out. Your no better for your reply, I totally get what your saying about it being unreasonable of her partner.

Quite.

However if you disagree the majority apparently think you're either

A) a man
b) more suited to an MRA forum(!) despite being a gay woman with a wife and 2 children
C) anti feminist

Not just confused why you can't the train whilst pregnant.

This forum has changed

@phishy I'm not a man. I'm a gay woman who is pregnant with her partners biological child with a sperm donor.

Your misogyny is showing if you think I'm a man Purely because of my username or because I don't automatically agree with a pregnant woman?

Plus you like me to change my username to ImALesbianNotAManHonest ?

Not just confused why you can't the train whilst pregnant
I think you're being very disingenuous here fannyfan. The OP gets the train every day, she never said she couldn't get the train. Just that this particular day she was laden down, had a lot to carry and this meant she had no hands free for escalators etc when she was already feeling unsteady on her feet. I remember commuter trains being awful when I was heavily pregnant at the best of times never mind if I had a shed load of stuff to carry from my last day at work. If my DH had said he would help and then changed him mind and decided to go the pub I'd be mightily pissed off. Just because of the complete lack of care and consideration. There's a distinct lack of empathy on this thread for the OPS situation whilst defending the man's right to go to the pub. Noones saying he can't go to the pub, just make it a time when you haven't agreed to help out your pregnant wife when she needs it. And yes she was able to struggle on and get home herself but she shouldn't have had to, a partner should make life easier not harder. You also being pregnant is irrelevant. Unless you are suggesting that your wife would fuck off to the pub when you were heavily pregnant and needed assistance with something? In that case more fool you!

Where did I say you are a man? There are some women on MRA sites.

I didn’t even notice your name, names often mean nothing on MN.

Just because your experience of pregnancy is different, it doesn’t make your catty remarks about OP any more acceptable.

Honestly this is so over the top. It’s really not that difficult to carry a bag, flowers and umbrella whilst 7 months pregnant . Including on an escalator.
OP has a lot of growing left to do in this pregnancy, and then will need to get used to lugging around a pram, baby (+ the whole kitchen sink!) I regularly had to get on the tube in my third trimester , by myself, with pushchair, toddler, and bags in tow.

Personally I think it would have been enormously precious for OP to expect her boyfriend to miss out on a social occasion with colleagues, just to carry her umbrella and flowers home. However, having said he would help her home , I do think bf could have let her down more gently/ asked if she minded he go to the pub instead, rather than just telling her he was off. On the other hand maybe OP has form for being a bit needy / controlling and he didn’t want to risk it.

It’s really not that difficult to carry a bag, flowers and umbrella whilst 7 months pregnant
Personally I think it would have been enormously precious for OP to expect her boyfriend to miss out on a social occasion with colleagues
It depends doesn't it. On how big and heavy the bag, umbrella, bouquet were. The OP said she was struggling so why wouldn't we believe her? Just because you were OK on the tube every day doesn't mean everyone is. Everyone's pregnancy is different. Or are you one of those people that thinks everyone's experience is the same as yours. Real big lol at deciding to go the pub with your mates after work being a social occasion he shouldn't miss out on 🤣🤣. The OP said he's been going out drinking a lot recently. Should he be encouraged to maybe go out every night after work? Social occasions should not be missed after all.

i never said everyone’s experience of pregnancy is the same as min, but most people who are pregnant end up with a baby and a pushchair and a lot of stuff they need to carry 😅.
My point is that if she’s struggling at 7 months to carry a work bag, brolly and umbrella, I do think she’s going to discover it gets a lot , lot worse! of course how we experience struggle is subjective and relative.
All we have are the facts before us, and we are invited to share our opinions. Personally I suspect this isn’t really about the flowers and the brolly, but more that OP feels a little uncared for, which is understandable. Sounds like they just need to have a chat.

Are you puritanical about the pub? Going to the pub is a perfectly normal/ typical way to socialise, including with colleagues . Of course it was a social occasion. 💁🏼‍♀️

Are you puritanical about the pub?
Love this. Thanks for giving me a laugh this morning. Nope. I didn't have my children till my 40s and partied long and hard until the, still live to get out whenever I can. Wouldn't leave someone I supposedly loved to struggle when I said I'd help just to go on the piss though, whether they were pregnant or not 🤷‍♀️

*love to get out

You asked him for help, he went to the pub. What's he going to be like when you ask for help with the baby?

Completely different. He won't be helping with his own baby, he will be sharing parenting responsibilities. If he doesn't share these responsibilities then there is a problem that is much larger than not helping someone carry their things home.

Doesnt exactly bode well though does it?

And FWIW I had PGP and would indeed have struggled with a bag a brolly and a bouquet, I needed both hands free to navigate stairs due to the pain. So being let down like that would have been unforgivable, luckily my ex wasnt a selfish prick who was more interested in the pub than me and his unborn child.

Same here. MN would hate this though. I know what my dh would have done in this situation. If he decided to do go to the pub, he most likely would have arranged a lift / booked a cab for me/ Got me home and then went to the pub. I could have done that myself but if he was to change plans he would have made sure that did not impact me.

@PyongyangKipperbang

So in that instance, I would definitely expect the help. I never had that in my pregnancies but know people who did who could barely walk some days. If the poster had said this then I may have thought differently.
When I was 7 months pregnant I was more than capable of carrying multiple things etc and having multiple children I'm used to lugging around a lot of crap, having no hands free and you just learn how to handle it all because you don't have any other choice some days.

I still think the poster was unreasonable for going to her parents without her partner, but I don't think she should beat herself up about it. Being pregnant is hard enough as it is hormones up and down, if her partner is decent enough he will brush it off and help her the next time she needs it.

There are some women who get quite martyred about being pregnant but most of us manage to carry on fine. And once we have kids and are pregnant, we had no choice but to carry toddlers, shopping, do the housework and juggle loads. So carrying a bag and a brolly and some flowers is not an issue at all.

And once we have kids and are pregnant, we had no choice but to carry toddlers, shopping, do the housework and juggle loads. So carrying a bag and a brolly and some flowers is not an issue at all
And all whilst their partners are in the pub with their mates? What fun eh? Wouldnt want to complain though eh? Women should just get the fuck on with it whilst being so so happy that their partners are not missing out on a 'social occasion' with their chums

It’s your hormones. I’ve been there though so don’t worry 🙃 !