Have I massively overreacted?

[HoneyGate]

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

@SmileyClare Thankfully he has a good relationship with my parents and they always stay impartial, my dad has already said I need to go and get him tomorrow and he doesn’t want to spend the weekend without him.

Yes he knows where I am and just told me I’m being ridiculous which I guess I now agree with

I'm guessing this is less about him helping you carry stuff and more about him going on the lash without informing you and rolling in missed at midnight.

That will be a problem when you're home alone with a new baby if it's a regular thing.

Think about why you're so annoyed and pick a good time to discuss all this calmly with him (preferably before heading off on your holiday!)

Um yes, presumably you usually carry a bag and an umbrella, a bunch of flowers isn’t a terribly heavy extra.

I can see why you are irritated, because he said he’d be around but you were v OTT.

Just sort out with your family who is going to pick him up. Apologise and chalk it up to hormones.

*pissed not missed!

You said that you get 'irritated when he's had a drink.'
Yet your problem with him was immediately after you both left your place of work as he wouldn't help you with your umbrella and bunch of flowers.
I think you need to let this go. You didn't actually need his help you just wanted him there.
To blame pregnancy hormones is a bit lame .

I don't think you have, so many times I see women getting ask "why didn't you just ask / say"
Well you did you let him know you'd need some help, you are 7 months pregnant and he decided to go drinking I'd be fuming.
Doesn't bode well for when the baby arrives, if you need him will he be reliable or go for a drink if that suits him more.

He shouldn't have fucked off when you'd said you'd needed a hand. Is him going off to the pub and rolling in drunk a regular?

Massive overreaction, but sounds like the hormones.
If you have a second baby you’ll be lugging toddler, buggy, bag, and a mountain of other shite whilst heavily pregnant, daily. You’ll long for the ‘full size brolly and a bouquet’ days then…

Yeah you’ve overreacted
Is he usually this thoughtless?

And get a smaller brolly.

such a great suggestion

Agreed! I'm 5 months pregnant with a 1 and 6 year old 😂 I need a mile long checklist to leave the house and it's only going to get worse

Wow, v v over reaction. Will it be a bit of an awkward drive once you collect him? Am assuming you are both already fully packed for going away?

Bag, umbrella and flowers.

Mmm. Doesn't sound too much to manage. I'd maybe leave the umbrella at work and bring home another time if I couldn't manage. A bag over the shoulder leaves both hands free for the flowers.

I do feel for you. I hate carrying loads of stuff (if you think it's hard when you are pregnant, just wait til you are juggling an actual baby! along with all that stuff and a nappy bag, bottles, muslin clothes etc..!!!!!!) Unless you also have a disability,.it doesn't sound too much to carry. You could leave both the flowers and umbrella at work and take home when your DH is around next time, if absolutely necessary.

I think you overreacted. Sorry.

you're carrying a bag, an umbrella and some flowers on the way home, you're not hiking the Hindu Kush.

This made me laugh 😂

OP, ultimately probably a bit UR, but you're pregnant & over-emotional. It's ok. Just call him & sort it out.

He did inform her.

like I’m some sort of bully

I don’t know if I’d say “bully”, but if this behaviour if typical for you, I think you’re controlling.

Did you tell him you were going to your parents’ house, or is coming home to find his pregnant wife missing part of his punishment?

I don't think it's "lame" to blame the pregnancy. It's not just hormones, it's sometimes a culmination of feeling tired (I assume you're working FT and commuting) and pent up anxiety about having a baby and needing to rely on your partner for support, feeling a bit vulnerable.

It sounds like this reaction was out of character and you can salvage things. Don't beat yourself up x

@Pumpkinbite yes it’s our first baby, and since I found out I was pregnant he has been going out a lot more so I think he is panicking a bit that he’ll never be able to go out again once baby is here! This does irritate me, but I never stop him going, I have had a little moan before though so I think this has added to my annoyance!

Regarding the running off to my parents - I moved to DPs county about 6 months ago so I feel a little bit isolated there and am still getting used to it and miss my family, hence why I wanted to come here when I was feeling upset.

The comments regarding having to juggle a buggy, baby and lots of other stuff have made me laugh, as well as getting a smaller umbrella, very valid points! 😂 so thanks for cheering me up!

I do sympathise that for some people being even 7 months pregnant is very uncomfortable. I hated being pregnant and walking anywhere. I had horrible sciatic nerve pain and fainted more than once in public. Always so hot. It can make you very grouchy, clingy and unreasonable when you're uncomfortable. My poor mum got ordered around a lot when I was pregnant, because I just couldn't cope.

Conversely, I'd take my great big fat 10 month old, buggy and accessories + DD (4) over being pregnant while holding anything remotely awkward or heavy anyday.

Come on , it was a full size umbrella !!!
Ah OP , you sound a bit pregnant crazy alright . I assume it's your first ?
You'll look back and laugh.
Apologise and pick your poor husband up for the weekend away !

You've only included his responses in your post, not what you actually said to him. His comments seem very defensive so that makes me wonder whether you were picking a fight in your messages rather than just "I'm annoyed, I wish you had come straight home I had to carry loads of stuff"
It would have been considerate of him to help you home having said he would.
However you were very unreasonable to take off to your parents house over this!

Bag, brolly and flowers is quite a handful on public transport. It’s doable, but if you’ve been offered help and it’s not forthcoming I can see how it would be annoying.
MN is weird for not asking anything of your partner though. I think if OP had asked and he’d said ‘sorry, I’m at the pub’ it wouldn’t have been such a sting. It’s being let down that is hard work.
As for flouncing to the parents, well yes. Bit of an overreaction, but we’re all allowed one of those. A chat on the phone, a lift to the family weekend and it should be sorted. It does feel a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

Maybe next time ask for vouchers OP? 🌻

@SmileyClare thank you for your wise words, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your last comment!

He’s just text me to say he still loves me even though I’ve been ridiculous, so now I feel like a massive b*tch, but I think I can salvage things!