Have I massively overreacted?

[HoneyGate]

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

Given your subsequent post about the fact that he has started going out a lot more since you’ve been pregnant, I also wonder whether this is a red flag.

My ex started being a dick when I was pregnant. It’s not that uncommon for abusive men to start acting badly then. He was a drinker too.

On the face of it, it does sound a bit of an overreaction to go to your parents’ if this is a one off event, but if you are generally feeling he’s not looking after you as well as you hoped, then be very wary about backing off and blaming yourself too much. He might take any such response as justification to act badly again in the future. My ex had fallen out with various family members over the years and justified it to himself by telling himself it was them (and then me) who were overreacting, and not him who had a problem. I made the mistake of backing down and saying I had overreacted and took all the blame the first time it cropped up and profoundly regretted it over the years, as it set the tone for the rest of our relationship. He certainly has been a dick, not for going out, necessarily, but for not communicating that to you, which he could easily have done.

I hope I’m wrong and he does step up, once you’ve actually had the baby, and that his going out now is just him making the most of the time he has left, but be aware that it might be the opposite, and that now he has you tied more firmly to him, he feels able to show his true colours.

If it’s the latter, don’t do what I did, which was to have more children, and waste years hoping he’d finally grow up. He didn’t. He eventually drank and was abusive when drunk to my young adult children. I enabled that behaviour by putting up with it when I shouldn’t have.

Complete over reaction yes he should have give you a heads up that.mornimg he was going for a pint but to leave him stranded knowing your going a trip are you planning on going with out him

YANBU to be annoyed originally that he didn't get the train with you after saying he was. (and ignore the people saying "oh just wait until you have a baby and have to juggle so much"... 🙄 You will learn to manage all of that!)

YABU to jump into the car and go to your parents, especially because of the holiday with them. If he was going to be out for the night and you wanted company I could understand, but now the whole weekend is starting off awkward as your parents know something has happened between the 2 of you and it'll be hard explain this scenario to him, not to mention you will have to drive back to collect him!

Please ignore the people saying he isn't going to change. My OH went out more when I was pregnant, like you said I think he panicked a bit! Since having the baby, he has exceeded any expectations I had of how supportive he could be. He is amazing! He does so much for me and our baby (and yes - as he should as he is the father before people come for me, but he is doing things I would never have thought of)!..... But it wouldn't be Mumsnet if someone didn't suggest all men are pigs and you need to leave him 🙄😅

Pick him up, blame the pregnancy hormones, laugh it off... Hope you have a lovely weekend!

Im just about on the YANBU...

Going to your parents was pushing it a bit... but I think people should do what they've agreed to do, and not dump their loved ones for a better offer without at least ASKING first.

He agreed to help.

He then informed you, not asked you, that he would not be helping.

That would definitely make me question what he will be like when you have a small baby and need help! Will he bother or will he dump you for better offers?

You struggled home which likely increased your frustration and strop and then... over reacted a bit by buggering off with the car temporarily.

But as you're going to go and get him I don't think you HAVE totally over reacted, I don't think its wrong to prefer to go and be somewhere comfy and secure, rather than stay at home stewing and pissed off by yourself!

I would definitely have over reacted, I'd have told him 'well I know I agreed that we'd go together this weekend in our car but ive changed my mind so you can get public transport and meet us there. Oh is that a struggle for you? Tough shit.'

Kent to essex by any chance

It’s perfectly normal for DH to be nervous and go out a bit more while he can. It’s also normal to have small married tiffs. It’s also normal for you to feel a bit vulnerable when heavily pregnant and let down about his change of mind. Don’t give him or yourself a hard time.

I agree with this.

Knowing your situation and that you'd asked for help, after saying saying he would, it was suddenly more important for him to go to the pub.

It doesn't sound like your DP was being kind or thoughtful towards you, even if you could, and did, manage carrying everything yourself.

I get being a bit annoyed that he changed his plans, but I still don't understand why you flounced off to your parents house in the way you did.

You've put your DP (and your parents) in a really awkward situation - and in all honesty, if I was him I probably wouldn't want to go away for the weekend anymore as I'd be absolutely mortified about your parents being dragged into our silly row.

Your dad also obviously feels a bit awkward about it all too. It's really not fair to drag your family into rows and then expect them to act like nothing's happened the next day.

I think like so many situations, the nuance is that this isn’t a case of him being actively cruel, but him having an opportunity to be kind to you and not doing it.

@HoneyGate To be honest you could have textd him that although he has been a bit of a d* you still love him too.
I mean it cost him nothing to leave the pub or whatever and go out another time when you have not made arrangements to go home together. Unless there is another issue that he is never allowed to go out, which your other posts did not suggest, then that one off was a bit petty of him.

Also, while it was fine for him to change plans and not heklp out, it should have been fine for you and not take him out for the holiday. Again, this is maybe the petty me talking, but I also think that a lot of people excuse his stupid behaviour here, while really there were plenty of opportunities for him to make things right.
And your parents are your parents and they should be your support, so the persoin somehwere above that goes' you should not bring the conflict out and involve your family'- this is what fmaily is for, no? To stand with you if there are issues?

An overreaction, but I understand your disappointment.

I'm similar - normally completely capable, but, if I ask for help that means I actually need it, and I'd expect the help.

Now, I didn't get that from my ex, so he's an ex. My kids though, I've enforced that. Be independent, don't ask for help just to be lazy, but if you need help, ask and expect me/brother to do what he can.

If I yell 'come and help me bring the shopping in', then I expect some help, because I have more than I can easily carry on my own! (for example)

I would go back and pick him up and enjoy your weekend!

I think your partner behaved like a dick. He shouldn’t have reneged on your agreement. That was selfish. And then to be defensive over it. Ugh.

However, I am a little perplexed that you couldn’t manage on your own with the relatively small amount of stuff you had. Umbrella hardly heavy and could have been tied to your bag. I’m 8 months pregnant and still manage to lug all my work crap around with me on the trains and tube in London without the assistance of DH. Do you have SPD / PGP? That would clearly change things but a normal pregnancy at 7 months shouldn’t render you incapable of carrying some flowers and an umbrella.

I get v breathless (baby taking up lots of room now leaving me with v little lung capacity). I ask people to take my laptop bag up stairs if I need it. I often find I don’t need to ask as people seem to love helping a poor heavily pregnant woman!

Not sure why you didn’t leave the brolly at work.
That aside, you’re not unreasonable to be a little pissed off he didn’t help when he said he would. Leaving and going to your parents was ridiculous though.

Ok random man on the Internet. If you are going to infiltrate a womans' forum, at least pick a name that doesn't suggest you are a man. So obvious 🙄

HTH

I would have been pissed off at the tone of his texts! He needs to apologise for his overreaction there too I’d say. You were within your rights to be miffed he wasn’t helping you.

Yes, you gotta laugh at the thought of a pregnant woman falling down an escalator. 🙄

Thoughtless of him yes but that’s all. I’m 31 weeks, 2 weeks ago I tripped at a wedding running after my 3 year old- husband was being rather thoughtless and instead of sharing the child watching was at the bar... it was intended and sometimes he just doesn’t think.

@PinballWizard18 I'm a woman who is married to a woman and on here for my autistic child wouod you like to see my driver's license?

I think you’d be more comfy on a MRA site.

I'm not a Man, bur apparently if you don't think that pregnant women should be capable of getting public transport with a bag, a Brolly and some flowers then you definitely are a man and an MRA advocate.

Wow.

I'm sorry op you obviously know your DH and he was obviously so awful to you he should make he own way to your parents house and then apologise a lot.

Is that better?

How often do you hear someone say "why didn't she leave when it first started to go downhill?".

Well this is why.

Your relationship works just fine because you are so independent you don't expect anything of him. Now, you ask him for some help. It turns out he is more then happy to help... unless he gets a better offer.

You notice that he's going out more since you became pregnant.. bless!! Poor poppet! His life is going to change forever, so he needs to go and drink lots more times so he has some good memories.

He graciously still loves you, even though you're being a daft cow.. flaring up because he left you stranded. YOU know how much you had to carry, but HE didn't. This is gaslight for beginners.

Come back in 8 months and reassure us that he's being "husband of the year". Because I'd be really happy for you, but very surprised.

Just for the avoidance of doubt I am also pregnant and working full time. It's my wife's egg though so maybe that doesn't count on here.

I'm going to pride this weekend and will be able to cope on a train with my children, I commute on a train everyday.

However you all think I'm a man so I should be able to get a decent pay rise and from now on I will not be moving for anyone on the pavement

You massively overreacted!! Carrying and juggling bags, kids, babies, equipment, shopping etc will be part of your life for many many years. Obviously nice to have help but not necessary.