Page 6 | Have I massively overreacted?

HoneyGate · 2022-08-25T20:06:32+00:00

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me: ‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then? ‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ ‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car. One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision. YABU - you’ve overreacted YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

StaunchMomma · 25/08/2022 23:56

You've both been unreasonable.

He shouldn't have changed his plans once you'd asked for help and he'd agreed to it and the whole 'sticking up for himself' thing is literally pathetic.

You flouncing off was a huge over reaction.

Only one of you has raging hormones, however.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/08/2022 23:56

decayingmatter · 25/08/2022 23:51

Forget the idea that the OP didn't have that much to carry and look at the bigger picture:

OP is pregnant
OP is more vulnerable than she has ever been because she has moved away from her family and support network for a man, on the basis of trust in him
As soon as OP becomes more vulnerable (heavily pregnant and away from home turf) the man starts going out on the ale much more frequently and rather than being supportive during the pregnancy, begins to just prioritise himself
OP has to suck up him living the high life and doing whatever he wants whilst she is stuck at home (in a new area with no family and few friends) because she's pregnant and must feel very isolated
OP must be worrying about whether this is going to be her life now, stuck at home holding the baby whilst her partner continues to live the same lifestyle/same career without being held back by parenthood and childcare/same social life.

But really big of the guy to forgive her for making her own way to her parents house.

Finally, if it's not too big of an ask for a heavily pregnant woman to get home on public transport carrying stuff, it can't be that big of a deal for this man to use public transport to get to the parents house this weekend. Ironic that some posters think she should get a grip and pick him up and simultaneously think she should have got a grip and commuted by herself without moaning, AND apologise to him as well!

The double standards are genuinely upsetting.

Its true that a woman's worst enemy are other women.

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 23:58

@PyongyangKipperbang it didn't need fixing. Because op
Is pregnant she's unable to walk down escalators with an umbrella, a bag and a bouquet of flowers. She asked her partner to help her (why) and then he went to the pub because he decided that just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she isn't able to carry 3 things.

Then she got home, and was so angry with him for not caring her umbrella, bag and flowers she took their one car to her parents, so he can't come on the weekend away they had planned unless she drives 45 mins there to get him 45 mins back to her parents which is a massive waste of time and petrol.

She's embarrassed by the way she acted and she should be. She acted like an entitled prick

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 23:59

@decayingmatter did you get carried around on a golden throne when you were pregnant and 'vulnerable' and apparently incapable of going on public transport with a brolly, a bag and some flowers?

Whyamivirtuallyinvisible · 26/08/2022 00:00

So, I am part of a group of four friends. We had a night out planned and said we would arrange the time to meet on the actual day. One friend was working until 5.30pm, so in my head I kind of assumed we’d meet about 7.30/8pm. At 5.30pm I messaged as had not heard anything. At 6pm I had a message saying we were meeting at 6.30pm and would most likely be eating. I replied saying that I’d not long been home and I would not be able to make it until later as had to wash hair/shower etc. The others could all make it so arranged to meet earlier. However, when I arrived at 7.50pm they’d already ordered food to share and eaten it. AIBU to think they could have at least called me to either tell me to eat at home, or ask me if I wanted them to order me something? They offered me some cold Camembert and cold chips. I tried to order for myself but was told it was too late, at 8.30pm!!!
I didn’t say anything as I was too shocked tbh. Fast forward a few weeks and I get a message inviting me out the next lunch. I replied that I’d been backwards and forwards to the hospital all week with my daughter and she may have to go into hospital the next day. One friend then posted a photo of a guy on the beach getting his body fit for summer, and not one person even asked how my daughter was or what was wrong with her.

AIBU to feel hurt about both incidents.

bellac11 · 26/08/2022 00:00

Im guessing she moved to either side of the Dartford tunnel anyway, the 45 mins is probably stuck in bloody traffic!

decayingmatter · 26/08/2022 00:02

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 23:59

@decayingmatter did you get carried around on a golden throne when you were pregnant and 'vulnerable' and apparently incapable of going on public transport with a brolly, a bag and some flowers?

Nope, my XH was a self-serving man who continued to act like a self-serving man after DC arrived.

Fucking hell, is basic expectations in a relationship now equivocal to a 'golden throne' now?

bellac11 · 26/08/2022 00:05

Expecting to be chaperoned home because you've got a bunch of flowers and a brolly are not basic expectations for gods sake

You embarrass women everywhere with this attitude. Im embarrassed by it!

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 26/08/2022 00:07

You have been a bit bonkers and overreacted. Being pregnant does that to people though.

decayingmatter · 26/08/2022 00:09

I said forget about whether you think she should have been able to carry everything home. Obviously she can and did, and we have all carried heavy stuff with 72 kids hanging off us whilst in heels and a business suit, and any complaints about what women have to endure is just petty whinging and princessy behaviour

I said look at the wider context of this situation. And then bullet pointed it. I'm embarrassed for YOU that you are so obtuse.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/08/2022 00:22

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 23:58

@PyongyangKipperbang it didn't need fixing. Because op
Is pregnant she's unable to walk down escalators with an umbrella, a bag and a bouquet of flowers. She asked her partner to help her (why) and then he went to the pub because he decided that just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she isn't able to carry 3 things.

Then she got home, and was so angry with him for not caring her umbrella, bag and flowers she took their one car to her parents, so he can't come on the weekend away they had planned unless she drives 45 mins there to get him 45 mins back to her parents which is a massive waste of time and petrol.

She's embarrassed by the way she acted and she should be. She acted like an entitled prick

Congratulations on winning the "Missing the Point" prize of the week!!!

She asked for help, he said he would give it and then he went to the pub and gave out to the OP when she was pissed off with him leaving her to it.

He was clearly OK with helping her, until he had a better offer. As her husband I think he knows her struggles better than you do.

Whether you agree that she should have asked for help is not up for discussion. Her partner let her down and that is the problem here. So she has given him a bit back of what he gave her, managing on his own.

As @decayingmatter said, I am embarrassed for you.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 26/08/2022 00:23

Could this have been solved by a) utilizing Uber and b) leaving your giant Brolly at work

NaughtyDaddyPig · 26/08/2022 00:24

When that baby arrives you're gonna have problems OP.
He's already got his stock phrases primed 'I'm standing up for myself'.

And then he's astoundingly made him backing out of agreed plan with you to commute home together your fault.

He's preparing you for how it'll be in a couple of months.

Even if we think you should be able to commute alone, it's actually irrelevant. You asked for help. He agreed. Then just changed his mind for a better offer without asking or seeing if you were ok. Then he sends you messages that sound like his workmates (who probably hide after work to avoid any parent duties) have made...
Like 'you're so under the thumb... she's controlling you' 'you should stand up for yourself...don't let her tell you what to do'.

That's how his messages read to me. Then the whole he still loves you even though you're ridiculous... aww bless him, that sweet guy... putting up with terrible 'hormonal' OP and her outrageous demands as a pregnant woman of, err... wanting someone to follow through on previously agreed plans they'd made.

I'm sure if OP had written that she texted dh to say let's commute home together and spend the night watching a movie before a weekend away but her husband said he didn't want to do that anymore so he'd knobbed off to the pub instead, then blamed her for being upset.
Might be different replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/08/2022 00:28

Blueeyedgirl21 · 26/08/2022 00:23

Could this have been solved by a) utilizing Uber and b) leaving your giant Brolly at work

Or the "D"H doing what he said he would do.

I am so utterly sick of women being told that they are "too independent" on the one hand and then told how they could manage life so that they dont have to ask their partners for help on the other!

jewishmum · 26/08/2022 00:29

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 23:37

Why is being pregnant an excuse to be a prick to your partner?

I didn't realise her partner was pregnant.

deeperthanallroses · 26/08/2022 00:29

I have been wheeling a pram with one hand and unable to manage a med-large bouquet wiht the other so messaged friends to come up and help. On hefting the bouquet the friends were all amazed I’d made it as far as I had on my own, so maybe people are picturing the wrong kind of bouquet op! I’m glad he’s being nice about it, I suspect he realises what he did was pretty shitty. How would he have felt if you’d fallen? Please don’t let this stop you asking for help, next time just specify you said you’d come and help, if you decide to go to the pub instead I will be really shitty with you for good reason.

fannyfan · 26/08/2022 00:43

bellac11 · 26/08/2022 00:05

Expecting to be chaperoned home because you've got a bunch of flowers and a brolly are not basic expectations for gods sake

You embarrass women everywhere with this attitude. Im embarrassed by it!

Thank you!

fannyfan · 26/08/2022 00:48

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StreetwiseHercules · 26/08/2022 00:53

This kind of behaviour really is unacceptable. OP, you have to get a grip. Sounds like your DH WAS standing up for himself in the face of your extreme behaviour.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/08/2022 00:55

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Wow, and there is your dick move right there.

Well done.

RobertsRadio · 26/08/2022 01:15

StreetwiseHercules · 26/08/2022 00:53

This kind of behaviour really is unacceptable. OP, you have to get a grip. Sounds like your DH WAS standing up for himself in the face of your extreme behaviour.

Extreme behaviour? Asking for help from her DP, JFC. Yeah Op you really must get a grip, never, never ask for help from your P for anything ever again because apparently that kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

The menz have spoken, so obviously we must obey.

Caroffee · 26/08/2022 01:28

coffeerevelsrule · 25/08/2022 22:46

The more I read, the more sure I am that actual men are posting. It's just too depressing otherwise.

Definitely lots of men posting on this thread. Horrible, misogynistic usernames and use of inappropriate four letter words give some of them away. Others are obvious from their attitudes.

wenevernewthis · 26/08/2022 01:59

with regards to
"I'm standing up for myself"

is this your first baby together?
I've noticed that men tend to paint the women as the bully (as you said) when it becomes apparent that their life is about to change.
Being selfish is "standing up for himself" and letting down your pregnant partner is "standing up for himself" and going to the pub a day before you go away, knowing it'll cause resentment because he is cancelling his plans with you (no matter how minor) without letting you know first Is "standing up for himself.

let him get a taxi or train or bus to you tomorrow OP. He upset you, and tried to turn his selfishness around on you. Standing up to you, fucking hell. this is it, the beginning of the script.

If his plans can change to suit him then yours cam change to suit you. When he gets home and realises he can't get in the 🚗 with you tomorrow and starts moaning he sure to let him know that you are standing up to him. you're entitled to change the plan if he is. no matter how minor.

wenevernewthis · 26/08/2022 02:04

HoneyGate · 25/08/2022 21:44

@Pumpkinbite yes it’s our first baby, and since I found out I was pregnant he has been going out a lot more so I think he is panicking a bit that he’ll never be able to go out again once baby is here! This does irritate me, but I never stop him going, I have had a little moan before though so I think this has added to my annoyance!

Regarding the running off to my parents - I moved to DPs county about 6 months ago so I feel a little bit isolated there and am still getting used to it and miss my family, hence why I wanted to come here when I was feeling upset.

The comments regarding having to juggle a buggy, baby and lots of other stuff have made me laugh, as well as getting a smaller umbrella, very valid points! 😂 so thanks for cheering me up!

Bingo

mine did it too. I knew it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/08/2022 02:17

wenevernewthis · 26/08/2022 01:59

with regards to
"I'm standing up for myself"

is this your first baby together?
I've noticed that men tend to paint the women as the bully (as you said) when it becomes apparent that their life is about to change.
Being selfish is "standing up for himself" and letting down your pregnant partner is "standing up for himself" and going to the pub a day before you go away, knowing it'll cause resentment because he is cancelling his plans with you (no matter how minor) without letting you know first Is "standing up for himself.

let him get a taxi or train or bus to you tomorrow OP. He upset you, and tried to turn his selfishness around on you. Standing up to you, fucking hell. this is it, the beginning of the script.

If his plans can change to suit him then yours cam change to suit you. When he gets home and realises he can't get in the 🚗 with you tomorrow and starts moaning he sure to let him know that you are standing up to him. you're entitled to change the plan if he is. no matter how minor.

Normally I would say A+ but as yesterday was GCSE day, I award you a 9.