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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I massively overreacted?

234 replies

HoneyGate · 25/08/2022 21:06

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2022 23:12

You did mildly over-react but I do think the fact he is going out a lot more than he did pre-pregnancy is worrying. As are his sulky teenage texts.

Paul85 · 25/08/2022 23:15

Im surprised you havent had the usual great advice on here and told to dump your man ...

lottiegarbanzo · 25/08/2022 23:16

I understand the 'carrying stuff' as being about having your hands full and worried about your balance. It's not about their weight.

His 'standing up for myself' line is really odd - depending what you'd just said of course. Standing up for himself by letting you down, eh?

I would feel let down and sad too.

It sounds as though he's scared / anxious / resistant about parenthood and 'standing up for himself' against this incipient weird force you've unleashed upon him (by yourself?), by acting like a selfish childless / single man.

The whole 'men not feeling baby's real until it arrives' thing holds some truth though. The important thing is he shifts his focus when it does.

allinatizzy · 25/08/2022 23:17

Maybe it was an overreaction to drive 45 minutes, knowing that he'd be unable to join you tomorrow unless you drive back for him... But I don't think it was unreasonable to be annoyed. He changed his mind on a whim and then was very touchy and rude when you were upset by his failure to be there when he said he would. I wouldn't apologise, in your place. I'd still be annoyed, and I'd want to discuss why I'd reacted the way I had. It's not all on you!

He's going to be a father soon. He needs to prepare himself for that responsibility and the impending lack of a "life" 🙄that includes quite so much time out drinking with the lads.

Catlover1970 · 25/08/2022 23:20

Sisisimone · 25/08/2022 22:37

He’s just text me to say he still loves me even though I’ve been ridiculous
Oh that's big of him isn't it! He sounds an absolute tosser, sitting in the pub knowing his pregnant wife is going to be struggling carrying stuff on the train. From experience it's not a good sign that he has started going out drinking more now you are pregnant and it's not likely to change when the baby arrives. I definitely wouldn't be rushing home to grovel to him. He doesn't sound like he has much care for you.

Get a grip !

Mariposista · 25/08/2022 23:22

Theluggage15 · 25/08/2022 21:31

Being annoyed is fine, running off to your parents is fairly bonkers.

Agree. A private eye roll would have been sufficient, rather than a massive flouncy drama. Need to be a but more rational when there is a baby to think about too.

Catlover1970 · 25/08/2022 23:22

coffeerevelsrule · 25/08/2022 22:46

The more I read, the more sure I am that actual men are posting. It's just too depressing otherwise.

No it’s not. Just some women allow their blokes to be human and not perfect robots. Not every bloke is abusive because he slips up from time to time

Herejustforthisone · 25/08/2022 23:23

The mass increase in ‘going out’ time since your pregnancy does change things a bit.

That’s selfish of him. Very.

Catlover1970 · 25/08/2022 23:24

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 23:10

He’s just text me to say he still loves me even though I’ve been ridiculous, so now I feel like a massive btch*

God, this gets worse and worse! He was a selfish git, and has been throughout your pregnancy by the sound of how often he goes out (and without you).

OP, please value yourself more highly. It was actually dangerous rying to cope with all the stuff you were carrying on escalators, when you've been a bit unsteady on your feet recently. If you accept such low standards from him, he will never stop taking advantage.

Hilarious

hotdiggetydog · 25/08/2022 23:25

Why are you resolving conflict via text.

Speak face to face.

Communicate like adults.

coffeerevelsrule · 25/08/2022 23:27

Mariposista · 25/08/2022 23:22

Agree. A private eye roll would have been sufficient, rather than a massive flouncy drama. Need to be a but more rational when there is a baby to think about too.

Show quote history

But being in the pub is absolutely fine when there's a baby to think about.

Woman - must be utterly perfect.

Man - aww, he might need time to adjust. Just eye roll at his imperfections and step up yourself.

Urgh...

coffeerevelsrule · 25/08/2022 23:28

Catlover1970 · 25/08/2022 23:22

No it’s not. Just some women allow their blokes to be human and not perfect robots. Not every bloke is abusive because he slips up from time to time

Show quote history

I didn't say he was abusive. But he's bloody selfish, that much is clear.

Bobshhh · 25/08/2022 23:31

I must be one of the fabled awful men posting on Mumsnet because my initial response to reading your post was 'you've driven 45 minutes away from your own home to spend the night because you couldn't manage to carry a bunch of flowers and an umbrella home, that's insane!'

But that's apparently a male centric view, even though I'm definitely a woman.

Boxofsockss · 25/08/2022 23:31

I don’t think you overreacted. He agreed to meet you and didn’t. Your pregnant and using public transport which can be stressful at the best of times. Why arrange to go to the pub when he has already agreed to commune home with you? Sounds like an arsehole to me. If my partner did this I’d be fucking furious.

Babyenroute · 25/08/2022 23:32

OP he sounds very much like my DH! Always the life and soul of the party, claims to have been encouraged but I know deep down he is the encourager 😂 and I'm also 7 months pregnant. Thankfully he hasn't let me down when I really needed him though but I can imagine getting to the end of my tether and reacting like you if it did happen.

andweallsingalong · 25/08/2022 23:34

Hard to vote as I think he was being unreasonable to agree to help, then not, but you could have handles it better by waiting until you were both home, not tipsy and calmer to have it out with him instead of flouncing.

I vote for your dad going to get him though, let you relax with your mum.

OhPleaseJustLast · 25/08/2022 23:35

I don’t know. I remember being 7 months pregnant, already the size of a small whale, feeling very unwell with it (no glowing here), and having to commute across London with a laptop bag that felt like it was full of bricks. A bunch of flowers and an umbrella to carry would have finished me off and if my dh had told me he would help and then backed out I’d probably have been feeling pretty stabby.

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 23:37

Why is being pregnant an excuse to be a prick to your partner?

Lockheart · 25/08/2022 23:37

Bag over shoulder, bouquet tucked under elbow, umbrella in hand.

Then you have one free arm and hand.

Out of interest what do your parents think of this palaver?

Scepticalwotsits · 25/08/2022 23:43

The unreasonable bit is storming off to your parents over this, very childish almost as if you have to run to parents to solve conflicts.

However him bailing and going to the pub is not on especially if he didn’t communicate well in advance and at least ask after he promised to be with you,

however we still don’t know what was said to DP as the text saying standing up for himself is very striking and doesn’t seem to fit the rest of the pattern. Either he has form and is turning it back on you or potentially the tone of message you sent was something else

Derbee · 25/08/2022 23:46

I was going to say unless the “full size umbrella” means one of those MASSIVE pub table ones, YABVU.

Pregnancy does weird things to people though. Glad you have a plan to salvage the weekend!

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/08/2022 23:48

fannyfan · 25/08/2022 23:37

Why is being pregnant an excuse to be a prick to your partner?

Why is your partner being pregnant an excuse to be a prick?
Fixed it for you , you're welcome 😉

decayingmatter · 25/08/2022 23:51

Forget the idea that the OP didn't have that much to carry and look at the bigger picture:

  • OP is pregnant
  • OP is more vulnerable than she has ever been because she has moved away from her family and support network for a man, on the basis of trust in him
  • As soon as OP becomes more vulnerable (heavily pregnant and away from home turf) the man starts going out on the ale much more frequently and rather than being supportive during the pregnancy, begins to just prioritise himself
  • OP has to suck up him living the high life and doing whatever he wants whilst she is stuck at home (in a new area with no family and few friends) because she's pregnant and must feel very isolated
  • OP must be worrying about whether this is going to be her life now, stuck at home holding the baby whilst her partner continues to live the same lifestyle/same career without being held back by parenthood and childcare/same social life.

But really big of the guy to forgive her for making her own way to her parents house.

Finally, if it's not too big of an ask for a heavily pregnant woman to get home on public transport carrying stuff, it can't be that big of a deal for this man to use public transport to get to the parents house this weekend. Ironic that some posters think she should get a grip and pick him up and simultaneously think she should have got a grip and commuted by herself without moaning, AND apologise to him as well!

JestersTear · 25/08/2022 23:54

"He’s just text me to say he still loves me even though I’ve been ridiculous, so now I feel like a massive b*tch, but I think I can salvage things!"

That sounds like a massive positive.

I was a bit surprised to read his defensive comments and wondered if someone's been whispering in his ear about being under the thumb or something (not saying you're controlling btw) while he was at the pub.
Seems a bit off to agree to come home with you and help you with stuff, and then be (easily?) persuaded to the pub by workmates. BUT clearly you guys have had a chat and he loves you that's clear, so it's all good at the end of the day.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 23:54

Bobshhh · 25/08/2022 23:31

I must be one of the fabled awful men posting on Mumsnet because my initial response to reading your post was 'you've driven 45 minutes away from your own home to spend the night because you couldn't manage to carry a bunch of flowers and an umbrella home, that's insane!'

But that's apparently a male centric view, even though I'm definitely a woman.

The trouble with this whole forum is that any view which is neutral and not instantly hating men or name calling the male party in the situation, is viewed as 'male' which instantly makes it wrong

I have a real issue with the victim mentality of viewing everything that happens to a woman as somehow a mans fault or that normal human nature is seen with sympathy when its female but with sinister overtones when its male. Its divisive and polarising and disempowers women. It continues a narrative that poor little women cant do anything without the big man and that our lives are without our own agency.

In this case OP needed to get home with her items, she would have done so (and did) whether her partner was available or not, its ridiculous to make out she is some poor inept thing that cant function unless her partner is with her.