Have I massively overreacted?

[HoneyGate]

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

You lost me at going to your DPs and him not being able to attend the weekend because of it. This is OTT.

As others have said, him going out a lot more since you became pregnant is a bit of a red flag. He simply won't be able to do this when the baby arrives. You need to have a very clear chat of what you expect of him. TBH being on mat leave can be isolating at times and he needs to know he can't just swan off to the pub whenever he pleases.

I’m guessing this is your first pregnancy. Bless you. Wait until you’re juggling a toddler, multiple bags etc 🤣

Massive over reaction!

I can see how you were annoyed. You do feel vulnerable sometimes when pregnant and so asking for help and then not getting it is frustrating. I think it was a huge overreaction, of course it was. BUT part of me thinks that actually, putting your foot down isnt a bad thing. I wish I'd done more of that during the baby stage. I carried on like a martyr, still do at times and I do wonder "what for" occasionally. Like my needs dont matter. I don't dwell on it alot, I am busy, but every so often it sadens me that I am no ones priority. Ever. And at times, that hurts.

"full size umbrella" is cracking me up

OP, I don't think you are over reacting but you are reacting to the wrong things (or expressing your reaction to the wrong things) and you aren't helping yourself, because you're playing into a "silly hormonal me" dynamic where he still gets to do what he wants; and you flip flop between being angry about disrespect, and backtracking because you feel silly about things like (sorry, it is funny) the "full size umbrella" (and guilty about things like going off without him); and he gets to position your eventual reconciliation as him being a noble hero "forgiving" you.

"standing up for myself" is a massive red flag to a horrible dynamic, where he positinos himself as a hapless good guy being buffeted by your unreasonable demands and emotions. Stop this NOW because it will get worse. your baby is going to put insane pressure on you, and you are going to react with emotion and with needing to be practically and emotionally supported. Him dicking around with this bullshit already makes me worried about the future. He's going to be constantly playing the brow-beaten-good-guy card when you are at your wits' end and just need your man to show up for you.

What he did:

• messed you about, saying he was coming but he wasn't (he could have just said "no not free yet, can you manage alone?" but instead he decided at the last minute that the nice boozy cosy pub was better).

Not ok. Show up or not, but be honest about it and why.

• Stayed in the pub without planning to.

This shows he is more concerned about his comfort in the moment than what he said he would do and has poor impulse control. This will happen again. It's selfish and lazy. Planning to go to the pub for a social reason is one thing; staying in the pub when you didn't plan to, because booze is nice and you are too lazy to get up and leave is something else.

• indulged himself with booze when you can't.

Not fair and again selfish and lazy. He doesn't have to stop drinking because you can't, but he has an escape valve you don't and he should be more considerate about that and how he expresses it. He needs to think about what he can do to support your relaxation.

• Implied you are the problem about any of this.

This is the real killer. You will have untold problems on your hands if you allow this to continue.

Don't cutely, grovellingly apologise. You may feel you owe him an apology for driving off but you can deliver that in a contained way and do not allow it to drift into some over-arching "oh I'm such a fool, forgive me" thing.

Say:
I need to know you will do what you say you will.
I need to know I am not in this alone.
I need your respect because I am doing something hard. We need to be together in the hard once the baby gets here. So far you are doing nothing hard and it's not your time yet, but it's hard for me already and I need to know you will show up for me when you can.

You are pregnant, carrying all that onto public transport, without a hand free to hold the railing down on the stairs..

Sorry I don’t think you are excessively needy. He agreed, and then last minute bailed.
If this is not normally a thing with him, maybe the reaction was a little strong.
So in the grander scheme of things, is this worth a huge row?

Just go and pick him up. Otherwise things will blow up to much bigger, and the whole fam is involved then too..

Good luck, 🌻hope you can still have a nice time

@billy1966 speaks a lot of sense here.

If your dad wants him there for the holiday, he can collect him. You stay put. Rest up.

You asked for his help on your regular commute home which he regularly does at the same time as you, he agreed to help and then he bailed when he got a nicer offer.

I know it's only a small thing in the grand scheme of things but if he really wanted to go out, he could have seen you home safely and then gone back out to meet up with his work colleagues/friends/mates/whoever at that point. Except he didn't do that.

I hope you manage to work through this but you're not a bitch and you weren't being unreasonable to be pissed off at his behaviour yesterday when you needed his help.

As for those who say how will you manage with a baby and a buggy and a changing bag - well the baby can go in a sling if needs be, the changing bag could be a rucksack and then that just leaves a buggy which folds up. It gets easier without a pregnant bump too. It is like comparing apples and oranges to be fair. A full sized golf umbrella (that's what I think you were referring to) is awkward as it is not compact and with the metal bit at the end of the umbrella is just difficult to carry, then add to that a bunch of flowers, which I'm guessing came in a cardboard container as they usually do from florists as they put the stems in water so that's an awkward shape to be carrying too and then there is everything else.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today about the situation. Best of luck to you both!

Mental behaviour. Pregnancy is no excuse.

Agreed 💯

I am also a bit perplexed about why you needed the help. I'm also heavily pregnant, have a 4yo and took my 4yo and two relatively heavy bags on the train by myself last week (2 changes) to go away for a few days with my parents as DH was working. And it was fine and I wasn't worried about it.

But... you're not me. And people endure (and at the stage it is very much endurance!) pregnancy differently. You felt you could use some extra help, you asked for it, he agreed and then he blew you off. That would make me feel annoyed too. Because even if it was inconvenient, he'd agreed to help and he should have put you first. I do think you overreacted though, but he didn't behave well and I agree with pp who have said that this may be a red flag if typical behaviour. Unfortunately selfishness is a poor quality for a coparent.

I agree. I think there are a lot of posters who have a low bar. If I was 7 months pregnant and asked for a rare moment of help I would be highly pissed off if he said ‘nah, I’m off the pub’. Fuck that.

She asked if he was going to be able to help her he agreed then bailed without telling her nothing there to be perplexed about she didn't say she couldn't cope she just wasn't expecting to need to cope its a big difference

He's 'standing up for himself' against the needs of an unborn baby.*

What a hero.

Take care of yourself OP.

Be clear and honest with your parents. They need to know what's really going on and your real feelings. They will (if good people, as they sound) act as a force for calm and cohesion.

But beware, parents, like everyone, will tread very carefully around your relationship - its yours after all - and will always act to prop it up, unless or until you tell them explicitly that you have serious misgivings, want help or want out. They may be scared of alienating you by criticising him. I know so many people whose strategy with unsatisfactory or worrying child and friend partnerships is 'stay close, so we're still there to catch our loved one when it all goes wrong'.

I don't need to tell you to take care of your baby - it looks absurd even typing that. As if you'd forget. As if you will ever put your own wants before the needs of that baby, ever, for the rest of your life.

(Wants vs wants, sure, there's a lot of future negotiation to be done there).

Good luck OP.

*In this case, its need not to have its mother topple over on busy public transport, because she has no hands free to hold on with.

I would say that, practically, you could have dumped the flowers. The free hand was more important. Then you'd have felt upset with him about the wasted flowers.

Feeling upset is entirely rational, logical and reasonable, in your situation. You were let down. You were scared of topping over. Don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

Don't let ANYONE divert all discussion onto the way you reacted - as if that somehow magically time-travels, to cancel out his prior, unkind, unreasonable action.

I regret my post about men posting here. Because I know from experience both in rl and on here, women are often incredibly hard on each other in this type of situation. It's both depressing and infuriating.

So many people are continuing to bang on about whether or not it's possible to carry umbrellas and flowers and are bleating that pregnancy isn't an illness. I don't understand why the OP is ridiculed for wanting help yet it's an outrage that he will have to transport himself 45 minutes under his own steam this morning! What if the OP hadn't termed going to her parents' house as flouncing but had asked whether she was UR to go there last night as she was feeling a bit lonely and didn't want to sit alone all night waiting for H to get in pissed at midnight. Surely most posters would have said she should go and he would need to sort himself out in the morning.

People have missed the point that it's not about brollies and flowers, but about a wife asking for support from her husband, being let down at the last minute and then subjected to some defensive and gaslighty texts, culminating in being 'forgiven' for being ridiculous. It's really not great and does raise concerns about how he will operate as a father.

I’m obviously late to this but I can understand why you were upset. Especially as you say you don’t ask for help often.

He has let you down when you asked for help. He needs to prove he is reliable and takes you seriously. That really matters.

I hope you have a good weekend but I do not think you have been ridiculous at all.

It was selfish and thoughtless of him. Don't blame you for feeling pissed off. Hope he shapes up when the baby arrives.

Yes you have over reacted, put the bag strap over your shoulder, and carry the umbrella in one hand and the flowers in the other.
If this is too difficult leave the brolly in work and collect it next week!
It's not that difficult, presumably you managed to carry the bag and the brolly to work on your own?
I think you have blown this out of all proportion, obviously pregnancy and hormones don't help but I feel for your hubby who must be a bit bemused by this reaction.

Gosh shocked at some of the patronising and unkind responses here! What happened to women supporting women?!

Op you were not unreasonable to be annoyed at DP changing his mind and going to the pub...he could have helped you on to the train and then taken the brolly to the pub at least freeing up another hand. Or given you notice so you could've left the brolly at work.

I also don't think you're unreasonable to have gone to your parents, you are heavily pregnant and your partner has left you feeling a bit vulnerable to go out ti the pub last minute.

He needs to apologise for being an inconsiderate prick.

Hopefully you are now on your way to a weekend away (and I assume your dad will pick up your DP and have a little chat with him about how he needs to make sure he is putting YOU first as you are pregnant with his child).

It isn't about whether it is possible to carry an umbrella on a train while pregnant (or course it is, usually. Even a full size one). It's about that her husband agreed to do something and then said "no fuck that, booze" - at the last minute - and then positioned it as "standing up for himself".
You need to watch that one. Seriously.

Gosh shocked at some of the patronising and unkind responses here! What happened to women supporting women?!

We don't have to agree with someone just because they're female.

I don't often see threads on here where I don't side with women but I'm not going to agree with something just because it's a woman. Carrying a bag, flowers and a brolly and being pregnant isn't a big deal and her husband went for a few drinks instead of helping her. But she didn't really need the help.

However, he should have asked her as he had already agreed.

But she didn't really need the help.

Well, the OP says she’s 7 months pregnant and unsteady on her feet but what does she know about her own body, right?

Let’s just believe @Vikinga

I dunno, he’s getting a lot of flack here for the “standing up for himself” comment but if you frequently put these kind of requests on him I can understand him finally wanting to say no.
Expecting him to go home with you so he can hold your umbrella is v v unreasonable. You need to learn to be self sufficient, and the fact that you ran right off to mummy’s house is further proof of that.

My husband didn't even see me lift a shopping bag out the car when I was pregnant. He was very protective of the unborn baby.