Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I massively overreacted?

234 replies

HoneyGate · 25/08/2022 21:06

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

OP posts:
Sisisimone · 25/08/2022 22:37

He’s just text me to say he still loves me even though I’ve been ridiculous
Oh that's big of him isn't it! He sounds an absolute tosser, sitting in the pub knowing his pregnant wife is going to be struggling carrying stuff on the train. From experience it's not a good sign that he has started going out drinking more now you are pregnant and it's not likely to change when the baby arrives. I definitely wouldn't be rushing home to grovel to him. He doesn't sound like he has much care for you.

SmileyClare · 25/08/2022 22:39

Fair enough if the pub conversation doesn't apply here.

I used to work in a pub and heard that narrative approximately 2 million times amongst blokes at the bar Grin

JamesWilbyFanClub · 25/08/2022 22:39

You overreacted. If you are normally so self sufficient, look for a way to manage. If you are so unsteady on your feet, get a cross body bag to wear at your side and a telescopic umbrella that goes inside it. Then if you have to carry something, you still have a free hand for the escalator.
I can completely understand that your partner would much rather go for a spontaneous drink with friends after work than be a bit of a dogsbody for somebody perfectly capable - and you were capable, you did get home with the flowers.

And, truly, I would actually like my partner to have a fun time and be happy for them.

Forestgate · 25/08/2022 22:43

I think you know yourself that you've overreacted.

You were right to be annoyed but now you've lost the argument by a ridiculous response.

Sorry to say that !

scotscorner · 25/08/2022 22:45

OP you overreacted but very forgivable so 🙃

I think his behaviour was probably more defensive because he (rightly) felt like a dick going to the pub rather than helping his pregnant DP get home!!

you were justified in being annoyed! Hopefully he’ll think twice next time 😉 Hope rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

EntertainingandFactual · 25/08/2022 22:45

I do think you overreacted but it’s understandable OP.
Just tell him you were struggling and wanted his company/help.
In your situation I would probably let off steam and (tongue in cheek) complain like mad about being pregnant, my sore feet, aching arms, being unsteady on my feet, heavy bag/flowers…
I’d say ‘Where WERE you when I needed you?!’ I’m so TIRED!
I’m a complete nightmare but I’d get the message across.
We’d end up laughing!

coffeerevelsrule · 25/08/2022 22:46

The more I read, the more sure I am that actual men are posting. It's just too depressing otherwise.

EntertainingandFactual · 25/08/2022 22:47

@scotscorner
I think his behaviour was probably more defensive because he (rightly) felt like a dick going to the pub rather than helping his pregnant DP get home!!

Yes, this! I agree!

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/08/2022 22:47

Well I am clearly in the minority but I think that YANBU.

People only go on the defensive when they know that they are in the wrong. "I did nothing wrong" "I am allowed a life".....he knows he was a selfish shit and deserves a mouthful and would cheerfully kick off at you if the roles were reveresed.

Your father is saying that because its what he expects and you have married into what you know. I wouldnt be collecting him and I would be addressing (after your weekend away, if you can face it with your misogynist family) the fact that he has spent more time going out with his mates since you got PG than he ever did before. I would also be pointing out that he will soon be a father and the choice to be involved or a deadbeat is on him, but the choice whether to be married to a deadbeat is on you.

MillyWithaY · 25/08/2022 22:49

billy1966 · 25/08/2022 22:37

MN is full of threads about the most selfish lazy men who think of no one but themselves once a baby has arrived.

We are always on about red flags and wondering what he was like BEFORE the baby arrived.

I think being asked for help by your pregnant partner and not bothering your arse to follow through is one of those little flags.

i would not be impressed, nor with his teenage reaction and I wouldn't be apologising either.

Send your father to collect if he is so distressed and rest up yourself.

Selfish arses usually don't come from out of nowhere.

From MN I know they usually provide lots of little tasters before it becomes a really big issue.

You don't ask for help much, and when you do he goes to the pub.

Think about that and reflect, before life gets a lot more challenging for you, living in HIS county.

Well said. I'm old and old fashioned and my DH would have moved heaven and earth for me when I was pregnant, let alone managing to catch the same sodding train rather than go out boozing with his mates.

I really don't think this bodes well. You asked for his support and he couldn't be arsed. Expect more of the same when baby arrives.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/08/2022 22:50

coffeerevelsrule · 25/08/2022 22:46

The more I read, the more sure I am that actual men are posting. It's just too depressing otherwise.

Mate, the low standards on this thread are so fucking depressing its unreal.

I agree that it sounds like its men backing up other men being shit fathers and husbands rather than women helping women. These threads do the misogynists job for them!

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/08/2022 22:54

HoneyGate · 25/08/2022 21:06

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

7 months pg?

YOu can still move to wherever you feel home is (another country even) without his ok. Once the baby is here, it will be a lot harder.

Just saying......

Youaremysunshine14 · 25/08/2022 22:56

Yup, huge overreaction. Not from getting annoyed about him being the pub but the flounce to your parents.

Ivyr0se · 25/08/2022 22:57

Yanbu

You asked for help, he said he would and then just left you. Going for last minute work drinks rather than helping his heavily pregnant partner who is having pregnancy related mobility issues is a risk jerk move.

His text messages aren't nice, why didn't he call you to let you know his plans had changed? I still love you and I'm standing up for myself are the two messages that sound creepy and manipulative, unless you usually walk all over him?

I think maybe a lot of the respondents here haven't had the same experience of pregnancy as you and are latching on to your dramatic description of a full sized umbrella to hold against you.

Honestly, I'd leave him to it tonight and take the weekend for yourself to reflect on your expectations from the relationship. Him going out drinking more whilst your pregnant and not able or inclined to join in, is weird.

Msmbc · 25/08/2022 22:59

Surely the more significant part of this AIBU is what was said in the text messages rather than the failing to meet and going to pub instead? OP said it was his texts that she was reacting to so I don't know why everyone is focusing on her initial minor annoyance at him failing to show up. I think being a bit pissed odd at him going to the pub instead is a reasonable reaction but unless we know exactly what was said in your texts and his - and any back story - there's no way of judging whether you were overreacting by getting so upset and storming off

Quartz2208 · 25/08/2022 23:00

i think you need to have a calm conversation with him later (perhaps in the car) that although going off to your parents was an overreaction the fact that you asked for his help and then he decided to go off and then send texts that were unnecessary was not you being ridiculous

Sisisimone · 25/08/2022 23:00

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/08/2022 22:50

Mate, the low standards on this thread are so fucking depressing its unreal.

I agree that it sounds like its men backing up other men being shit fathers and husbands rather than women helping women. These threads do the misogynists job for them!

Show quote history

Thank fuck some normal people have turned up. Couldn't believe what I was reading on this thread. You are definitely not overreacting OP.
As for the person who said they would be genuinely happy their ickle boyfriend was having a lovely time whilst they struggled on home on the train, pregnant, with all their baggage - wow, just don't know whether to laugh or cry at that one. Wind up surely.

Mumtofourandnomore · 25/08/2022 23:03

Shame your workplace didn’t give you a voucher instead, it would’ve saved a lot of aggro !

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 23:03

Miajk · 25/08/2022 21:18

Can he really not get the train or a bus to get to where you are?

I don't think you overreacted. You made it clear you could do with some help, he agreed, and then decided to just change his plans and not think of you at all.

I agree. He should be more thoughtful when you need a hand, so I hope he improves by the time you have the baby.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 25/08/2022 23:07

His last text would mightily piss me off.

He still loves you even though you've been ridiculous! Oh how very big of him.

How about 'Oh good because I still love you even though you went to the pub to get pissed after saying you'd commute with me and give me a hand'

allboysherebutme · 25/08/2022 23:07

Definitely overreacted x

mycatisannoying · 25/08/2022 23:08

Massive overreaction. However I can't remember if he told you about his change of plan, but he should have done.

billy1966 · 25/08/2022 23:08

30 years married, 4 children later to a man who similarly would no more have gone to the pub when i needed help, pregnant or not.

@coffeerevelsrule I agree, more scummy men on MN than women I think, or women who have zero expectations of decent behaviour from men so therefore cannot imagine a man treating a pregnant partner with consideration.
Too far out of their realm.

@PyongyangKipperbang OP's father sounds like a right prize, more concerned with the waster boyfriend than his pregnant daughter 🙄.

Reflect indeed OP about being stuck innHIS county and unable to leave when the baby arrives.

SmileyClare · 25/08/2022 23:09

Youre definitely not overreacting

You think being (understandably ) annoyed that your partner went for a drink instead of helping you on the train justifies packing up and taking the car 50 miles away so the holiday plans for the next day are screwed?

There are better ways to handle a situation. That doesn't mean he's not in the wrong.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 23:10

He’s just text me to say he still loves me even though I’ve been ridiculous, so now I feel like a massive btch*

God, this gets worse and worse! He was a selfish git, and has been throughout your pregnancy by the sound of how often he goes out (and without you).

OP, please value yourself more highly. It was actually dangerous rying to cope with all the stuff you were carrying on escalators, when you've been a bit unsteady on your feet recently. If you accept such low standards from him, he will never stop taking advantage.