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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I massively overreacted?

234 replies

HoneyGate · 25/08/2022 21:06

DP and I often commute home together, I’m more than happy to commute alone however today I had my bag, a full size umbrella and a large bouquet of flowers from my team at work. As I have to get a train and a bus, and I’m 7 months pregnant, I text DP asking if we were getting the train together as I could do with a hand, he said yes. An hour later, he texts me to say actually he’s in the pub and won’t be leaving at the same time as me. Obviously this pissed me off but I managed to make the journey home, I text my partner explaining I was annoyed and got the following responses which infuriated me:

‘I didn’t realise the night was going to be like this’ - are you not in control of when you leave then?

‘I’m allowed a life’ - I didn’t say you weren’t, I just asked for help
‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ - hmm I beg to differ
‘I’m standing up for myself’ - this really upset me like I’m some sort of bully

I got myself so worked up and angry and upset that I couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for him to roll in at midnight so I decided to drive to my parents house who live 45 minutes away. Normally this would be fine, however tomorrow DP and I, along with my parents, siblings and their DPs and DCs are all due to go away for the weekend, but DP now has no way of joining us as we share a car.

One minute I calm down and think I’ve massively overreacted (blaming the pregnancy hormones if so), the next I go over everything again and get angry and upset and stand by my decision.

YABU - you’ve overreacted

YANBU - you haven’t overreacted

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 25/08/2022 21:54

Yeh, I agree you massively overreacted. Is this your first baby? If you have a second, wait until you're carrying the older one around when you're 9 months pregnant - you'll wish all you had to deal with was a bouquet and a bag!

Hawkins001 · 25/08/2022 21:56

All the best op, offering help then switching plans, not great of him, especially just to go to the pub.

Isaidnoalready · 25/08/2022 21:57

It's not controlling to expect a grown up to do what they say they will do

Is he mature enough for fatherhood? Going out more since the pregnancy doesn't always bode well

Dic · 25/08/2022 21:59

Yes massively.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/08/2022 22:01

Drive home tonight. Go and have a cuddle and good nights sleep and both drive over tomorrow to parents

yes you over reacted but when preg came. Get away with it 😉

and yes buy a smaller brolly

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 22:02

Isaidnoalready · 25/08/2022 21:57

It's not controlling to expect a grown up to do what they say they will do

Is he mature enough for fatherhood? Going out more since the pregnancy doesn't always bode well

People are allowed to change their minds. She was simply asking him to be with her while she made her usual journey home from work, its not that significant

Is she mature enough to be a parent? (she is because she's since seen sense and apologised)

MichelleScarn · 25/08/2022 22:13

Regarding the running off to my parents - I moved to DPs county about 6 months ago so I feel a little bit isolated there and am still getting used to it and miss my family, hence why I wanted to come here when I was feeling upset.

I thought they only lived 45 mins away?

Original poster
HoneyGate · 25/08/2022 22:15

@MichelleScarn they do, but it’s still a different county and I can’t just pop round to see my parents on a regular basis like I used to

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 25/08/2022 22:16

I feel like a bitch now!

Hmm I mean yes you overreacted but I don't think you need to grovel and take all blame. It's fine to feel irritated that he changed plans at the last minute and then failed to apologise.

I imagine his defensive comments to you were partly fuelled by his mates in the pub. It's a well worn script:
Man: I'll have to head off, I said I'd meet the missus
Lads in pub: Youre under the thumb mate, you need to stand up for yourself, tell her you're staying out...and so on.

At least he's now contacted you and reassured you he's not annoyed. He was a bit of a dick though.

LizzieSiddal · 25/08/2022 22:17

I’d be so phished off if anyone had agreed to meet me then an hour later text to say “actually I’m not meeting you I’m in the pub”.

What a prick!

TheCutter · 25/08/2022 22:20

I love an op who can hold their hands up and say ok I was being unreasonable. Says a lot about who you are...

HOWEVER. I think you had a right to be slightly irritated with him changing his mind to go to the pub after he said he'd help you home. Especially when you don't ask usually. So, although I wouldn't have driven to my parents, I certainly wouldn't be issuing the apology either.

billy1966 · 25/08/2022 22:20

I also don't think it is too much to ask that you do what you say you will do when asked for help from your pregnant partner.

MN is often very quick to give a kicking to anyone who has even the lowest of expectations of a partner, pregnant or not.

You moved 6 months ago to HIS county and he's going out a lot more since you are pregnant........lovely 🙄.

Great that your parents are supportive.
Give the apologies a rest, he certainly hasn't covered himself in glory this evening.

The pub will very quickly become very old when the baby arrives OP.

There is nothing wrong with having basic expectations of a little kindness and care innyour condition.

Take care.

LizzieSiddal · 25/08/2022 22:20

Man: I'll have to head off, I said I'd meet the missus
Lads in pub: Youre under the thumb mate, you need to stand up for yourself, tell her you're staying out...and so on.

So very pleased I married someone who doesn’t have “friends” like this and is mature enough to know his own mind rather than acting like a teenager.

StarDolphins · 25/08/2022 22:22

I think you overreacted but it happens, you’re pregnant - all will be ok tomorrow.

Glitteratitar · 25/08/2022 22:22

Why does being in a different county make a difference? Would it be less isolating if you were still 45 mins drive away but still in the same county?

coffeerevelsrule · 25/08/2022 22:22

I don't think t's that much of an over reaction, no. It's rude to change plans at the last minute, however casually they were formed, especially if the person concerned is your heavily pregnant wife.

Also, if your dad feels unable to spend the weekend without him, why can't he go and collect him in the morning, even if you were a bit hasty in going to your parents (not totally convinced you were). What does your mum say?

Did he text 'I love you even if you are ridiculous'? Not that great imo, though hopefully he's just a bit pissed and it's not a reflection of the relationship at its best.

Meatshake · 25/08/2022 22:25

You might have been a bit overreactive but equally he wasn't very kind. Kindness is important in relationships, more so than being perfectly correct all the time.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 22:25

LizzieSiddal · 25/08/2022 22:20

Man: I'll have to head off, I said I'd meet the missus
Lads in pub: Youre under the thumb mate, you need to stand up for yourself, tell her you're staying out...and so on.

So very pleased I married someone who doesn’t have “friends” like this and is mature enough to know his own mind rather than acting like a teenager.

I think its a bit of a stereotype to be fair. My OH hasnt got friends like this and neither have previous partners.

He was clearly already at the pub before OP left work anyway so no one was persuading him to stay longer, he messaged her to say that he wasnt going to get on the same train home in the end.

Jjones8 · 25/08/2022 22:27

He was a bit inconsiderate but yes you over reacted. You can make it right x

Weemummykay · 25/08/2022 22:28

@jewishmum my first 2 pregnancies where a breeze had nothing to complain about, bumps where quite small I was very laid back. Pregnancy 3 I swore ds3 was trying to kill me from the inside out lol torn stomach tendons and ligaments(didn’t know tht was even a thing) pain in my pelvic, hips back was horrendous from start to finish, restless legs, insomnia absolute massive bump. I was like a raging hormone on legs. I was quite clingy with DP bt not over the top that he couldn’t do nothing, was very self conscious with the weight I put on and jst felt so unattractive n thot how could dp be attracted to this fat mess, very emotional quite often over absolute everything be it good or bad then angry with myself for acting like that n feeling absolute shitty for been so emotional(I am never like this). DP took it all in his stride tho, done everything to support and reassure me about everything. can’t fault him at all

Weemummykay · 25/08/2022 22:31

TheCutter · 25/08/2022 22:20

I love an op who can hold their hands up and say ok I was being unreasonable. Says a lot about who you are...

HOWEVER. I think you had a right to be slightly irritated with him changing his mind to go to the pub after he said he'd help you home. Especially when you don't ask usually. So, although I wouldn't have driven to my parents, I certainly wouldn't be issuing the apology either.

This 👏🏽

Novum · 25/08/2022 22:33

When you started out with the flowers etc you didn't know whether you would have help, so you must have thought you could manage. Had your partner said he couldn't get the same train as you you would have coped. So I'm really not at all clear how much difference this made to you, realistically. Yes, it's annoying that he said he could help and it turned out he couldn't, but it doesn't sound as if it was a particularly firm commitment or as if you made it in any way clear that you were relying on him.

Time to build some bridges, perhaps?

Original poster
HoneyGate · 25/08/2022 22:33

To be fair to his friends, he doesn’t often need any encouragement, he’s the life and soul of the party and never ever wants to leave which is usually fine, just irritating when I’m pregnant and stuck at home bored.

It probably makes more sense if I explain that there is a river between the two counties and a very annoying crossing, which makes it feel further away for some reason and also usually involved heavy traffic and delays!

OP posts:
Caroffee · 25/08/2022 22:35

Usually find I agree with the majority but not this time. YANBU. He's been an arse. He can find his own way to join you for the holiday just like you found your own way home with a bump, a bag, an umbrella and a large bunch of flowers.

billy1966 · 25/08/2022 22:37

MN is full of threads about the most selfish lazy men who think of no one but themselves once a baby has arrived.

We are always on about red flags and wondering what he was like BEFORE the baby arrived.

I think being asked for help by your pregnant partner and not bothering your arse to follow through is one of those little flags.

i would not be impressed, nor with his teenage reaction and I wouldn't be apologising either.

Send your father to collect if he is so distressed and rest up yourself.

Selfish arses usually don't come from out of nowhere.

From MN I know they usually provide lots of little tasters before it becomes a really big issue.

You don't ask for help much, and when you do he goes to the pub.

Think about that and reflect, before life gets a lot more challenging for you, living in HIS county.