Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

I think you, like so, many people are projecting.

People up and down the country are talking about the current crisis, OP and her DH are allowed an opinion. In fact, they tried not talking about it (OP says her DH tried to shut the convo down).

I’m solidly working class but I can see that just because people can afford to pay the increased costs doesn’t mean they’re not going to start reducing their use.

I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s ‘friend” think OP should be helping her out financially as well. Maybe she knows OP is paying her sister’s nursery fees and wants OP to pay her children’s private school fees. Long shot but it wouldn’t surprise me, based on the entitlement I see on MN.

YANBU, OP. Your friend behaved appallingly.

I don't understand the posters saying "if you can afford to donate to charity, you are doing fine and so should shut up". Even in a time of my life when I frequently couldn't afford basics, I still kept up a regular donation to a particular charity, because it was very important to me. It was only £4 a month, but many charities rely on tiny, regular donations. I'm not alone in this.

I suspect from what the OP has said that she can still afford the basics, and will manage in the recession, even if she has to tighten her belt, but so will her friend. This isn't about their respective incomes, either to each other or to the rest of us. It's about the OP's friend being a heartless, thoughtless dick about something painful in OP's life.

What I wanted to do was convey that we know how lucky

oh quit with the “lucky” snivelling.

You both have decent jobs, pretty good income. Nothing wow, not super rich or even close. Limited outgoings with no children. What’s the big deal. You’re not “lucky” you just a couple both on decent incomes. Hardly out of the ordinary

And be honest op

these charitable donations…. How much are we actually talking here?

If she's not generally a dick OP, it would be a shame to lose a friend over one fight. I do think you should tell her how she made you feel with her comments though, she owes you an apology, no matter what may or may not be going on in her life.

If she knows you would have loved to have children but couldn't then the financial discussion is irrelevant and she is a grade A bitch. I would make contact & tell her how hurtful her comments were but that you are "sure it was just not making the connection between her financial comments and your infertility". If the penny doesn't drop & she profusely apologises for putting her foot in it and being so tactless, I'd be walking away from that friendship.

Morning all,

Re the charitable donations, it’s something that I’ve always done (even when I had a babysitting job at 15!). It’s an important part of my faith (Sikh) and I donate around £150pm. I know that’s a lot when many are struggling for the basics, and I’m sorry I know previous posters didnt like me saying it but I do feel lucky I am able to do this because where I am in life right now is massively to do with the privilege I have/have had over others.

I know it’s a slight digression to what this post was originally about… but I decided to message T last night. I got worried I came across matryry or unsupportive of her (even though she didn’t indicate she was struggling in anyway, like I said it was a general chat about how shit the Govt’s help has been/how grabby the energy company’s directors are being) but many posters here said she may have felt like I wasn’t being supportive of her personal issues. So I said that I hadn’t heard from her since she left mine and that I wanted to chat because though I felt like some comments she made were uncalled for and had upset me, I hoped all was fine with her and the kids. I said that we’ve been friends a long time and I’d be here if she needed to talk.

She messaged back saying: ?? Lol What are you on about?

So I said: it was clear she was annoyed at dinner and she didn’t engage in the chat and in hindsight, not the best topic over dinner. I asked her if all was okay, but I didn’t appreciate her snapping at DH and I, and being aloof and cold for the rest of the evening but what upset both DH and I were the ‘lucky’ comments she had made about us being alone and ‘just the two of us’ when she know more than most how much we’d love it to not be just us two. I finished saying I wanted to quash this and we should use this as an example to both be more mindful of what we say and how we say it in the future.

She messaged back this morning:

‘Omfg, are you serious? I didn’t even say anything that serious or bad, you’re making it out like I said something so uncalled for!!! I had a headache and couldn’t be bothered to chat shit with you all… how was I being aloof or cold?! FFS!!!
I’m sorry you and DH got upset but I think you and DH are being super sensitive right now, are YOU guys okay????
After this many yearsI expect you to know know whatever I say has no malicious in it and tbh you (and DH(!!)) need to get thicker skin so not to take to heart what you THINK people have said to you…..
Let’s just move on from this because this is pissing me off and I don’t need this right now…’

Needless to say, I’m not going to respond. It’s been a few hours since she messaged and I feel like an absolute dickhead for reaching out Maybe she is right, maybe DH and I do need to get thicker skin. Maybe we are super sensitive to comments relating to this, and maybe there was no malicious in what she said. But I feel she’s completely disregarded how she’s made DH and I feel and to apologise with a caveat, that’s not okay right?

No, it’s not okay. She’s not taking any responsibility for now she acted, and instead she’s turning it around to be your fault for taking offence when she was being offensive. Even her husband thought she was being offensive!

Don’t be gaslit. I wouldn’t message her any more and tbh would let the friendship drift.

Drop her. She is awful.

You weren't martyry. And I understand the Sikh religion and why you would donate. You don't have to defend yourself or apologise for your hard work and current good fortune ( financially speaking).

Just cool the friendship. Give her time to reflect on her behaviour.

Urgh, she is a twat, OP. She doesn’t sound like a friend.

Well she certainly has a way with words!! I think she made what she thought was a throwaway comment without thinking about it. However a nice friend would say, 'I'm so sorry, I didn't think'

Your "friend" needs to own her choices. No one made her not pursue things professionally. No made her have 3 children and no one made her privately educate them. All of those things are her choice. I would distance myself from her big time if l was you. She sounds obnoxious and entitled. We also have fertility issues and had a friend who was like this. When l booked a weekend away to cheer us up about fertility issues, she says she wants to go away but cannot as she has to spend all of her money on nursery fees. When we talked about moving house, then she told us we "have it easy" as we only have to think about ourselves for the new house rather than children's wants / needs. Before anyone asks then yes she knew we have fertility issues and failed IVF but still always wanted to push the narrative she has it was harder and our life is oh so easy.

@Toboggan l think it is relevant though. The friend knows about the OP having fertility issues. Then is basically rubbing it in her face that she has 3 children plus acting like OP has no worries in the world and is on easy street. Which clearly is not true. Especially as most people are feeling the pressure at the moment

She's got a nerve! I would be so tempted to reply "not being able to have children is something I will never have a thick skin about" but I think you are doing to best thing in not replying to her.

@thequeenoftheandals wow! I just read your update. She is super obnoxious and not taking responsibility for her behaviour. I would cut her off after this performance.

Well, that’s the end of that friendship, isn’t it? You’re much better off without her @thequeenoftheandals.

Back away from this friendship, it's run its course.

Okay, 2 things from me, OP, with that update.

If you had mentioned that you are Sikh before now, with the posts about sounding martyr-ish and so on, that would have closed them down firmly. I'm aware that a principle of Sikhism is helping and taking care of others. It is entirely up to you whether to share details of your faith, but it does change things here a little.

The second thing, is that I honestly believe your friend's AIBU on this would give a completely different slant on things. Her reply - to me - suggests that you're both hanging onto the history of your friendship, there may be little niggles between you on several fronts, but you both may have outgrown the closeness of that friendship.

She STILL behaved badly - she was absolutely BU - but I suspect she still may have a different narrative, that is to do with other times, events, experiences, whatever, and not that one single dinner party.

I think your friendship has cooled.

There are plenty of free schools. Why doesn't she send her kids there if she's worried about costs. Will never understand the school fee thing - kids can succeed almost anywhere.

She's sending 3 DC to private school and you are paying a relative's nursery fees as above to have - honestly neither of you should be kicking up a fuss or arguing about the cost of living crisis affecting you, given there are people who literally can't afford to eat, live, feed their families or put the lights on.

You SHOULD however kick up a fuss about it affecting EVERYONE, especially those described above. Use your privilege and power to do that.

whats 'unhinged'?
Actual FACTS about the origin of phrases?

Nah, get rid now. That most recent message she sent you is a real insight and wrong in so many ways.

And no, you're not being sensitive. Not being able to have children is one of the worst burdens a woman can shoulder. She's a twat.

She knows she hit below the belt and is deflecting.

If she valued your friendship she's have tried to get things back in an even keel, not respond combative oh like that. She isn't a friend.

No, unhinged is twisting what OP said. They’re tightening their belts in some ways and also helping their charity and family. Ridiculous to get angry about that.

That last sentence…

Just no empathy, even if all of the rest of the message is seen as a clumsy explanation that no ill was intended.