Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

Because the hours AREN'T free, that's why. The hours are funded by the government and nurseries and childcare providers are expected to make up the shortfall. You either get 15 hours or 30 hours a week free but that means the nursery has to pay £27 a week out of their own pocket to cover the costs (for 1 15 hour funded child).

Our daily rate is £55 per day which is £5 per hour (7am till 6pm) for the funded hours, our local authority rate is £3.20 per hour. So we have a shortfall of £1.80 per hour for every funded child. Total children on role is 130, total funded children are 110.

Direct your anger at the Government NOT the childcare providers. We are currently heading towards a childcare crisis as people are leaving the role and it's hard to recruit decent practitioners because of the amount of hatred and bile towards nursery workers. Nurseries are closing down daily because they are becoming impossible to run because the Government claim to care about the early years but actually don't give a shit.

@Toboggan

boo hoo

She sounds unhinged and jealous. She chose to have three kids!

@surreygirl1987

well you decided to have kids. Kids are expensive. No one forced you.

I definitely didn’t tell make it a thing to rub in her face how much we donate and no one other than DH sister and DH mum know we have offered to support SIL with DN nursery (for fear of opening up the floodgates snd other family members asking/expecting support just because we are without child). For clarity, we don’t ordinarily give money out (other than gifts/Christmas/festivals) but felt like it was important to help out with SIL and DN because she’s going through a crap time.

A few posters have queried if in speech I come across martyr-y (not a word, I know) and I really don’t think I do. But I will make a mindful effort to make sure I don’t come across like pompous shit in speech or text or whatever.

Again, appreciate all the comments and the time people have taken out to message.

As someone who has fertility issues I could not get past the comment about being lucky. I’ve lost or I suppose left many friendships behind due to horrible insensitive comments about having children. I am so lucky now to be blessed with one beautiful daughter and I don’t feel unlucky to have to worry about what costs that will incur I’m these tough times. I’d have loved 3 children so in my eyes she’s the lucky one. YANBU What a cow.

Also I think what you are both doing for your sister in law is really really lovely.

I think anything to do with money at the moment is like touch paper to any conversations.and it’s making people panic.and the science behind that panic does equal at its end,often irrational thinking,changed personality,inability to control emotions,emotional responses and learnt triggered behaviour.and that simply the biology bit!
people are afraid. And it’s making a lot of environments close and fraught.everywhere you go there is a level of tension and uncertainty.
some people are literally dying right now necause of this.how can that not effect everyone’s emotional regulation.
I can’t say she was right,but I can’t say she was wrong.because at the moment people are just afraid.
and I also think you were unable to react as you might have because your own wired responses were tied into your own emotional response to the children topic. And in your op post there was clear thoughts on her being “able” to have kids and u not.again another subject that makes people react in emotional ways.

Anyone not struggling financially I’m often so relieved for.it’s hard.but that they don’t have that gut wrenching doom feeling.that they don’t struggle to find a way to want another days life makes me so so relieved for them.

but I can’t say she was wrong

Well, I can. There are some things you do not say. Telling someone they are lucky not to have school fees to worry about when they desperately want children is one of them - I don't care what you're worrying about. It's akin to a single friend telling someone whose DH has died that they're lucky to have been married in the first place.

Or, more accurately, telling a widow that "at least" the life cover paid off the mortgage.

She said all that when she knows you’ve had fertility problems? Fuck her. I would see it as friendship over but at the very minimum you need to tell her how devastating her comments were. What an absolute cow.

Yeh sorry.I meant not wrong on the reaction to finance not in how she handled that worrynor what she said.

She doesn't sound like a friend.

Your friend was incredibly insensitive but at the end of the day kids do cost a friggin fortune. If you have spare money to donate to charity and pay your niece’s nursery fees then I don’t honestly see how it’s going to impact on you that much.

From the OP I felt like everyone wants to be a superhero for living the life they freely chose "we have children to support" "well we work hard".
That's all a bit tedious, you can all validate yourselves you don't need each others admiration.
At first I was thinking her partner is a dick for apologising for her, I would NEVER be okay with someone who apologises for me like I'm a child, that's like retracting my words like I don't have agency to speak. If they both know about your fertility struggles though then her comment was really insensitive.

I'd be tempted to let the friendship go.

I think it's a really lovely thing you're doing for your SIL and DN by the way, that's so nice. 🤗

She was totally in the wrong but they must really be struggling for her to act like that but no point taking it out on you for god's sake as they choose to have 3 kids. I have wealthy family members who do not have to worry but do not get bitter over it as life tough for us but cannot take our own issues or lack of resources out on everyone else or life would be ten times worse. I do not know what to say to you, have you been very close before this, she does sound awful but behind all that think they must be struggling but not your fault. If you were feeling like being the better person a small text to ask her is she ok and if she goes off on a rant then leave it but if she opens up to you it may save the friendship. She should not have showed herself up and just enjoyed the night and it sounds super awkward.

Meant to say really kind and good of you to help the family member with childcare costs as you said life difficult for them now. I also do think that if a family is well off that they can help other family members out once that family member does not take the mick. I needed help for a medical issue for my son and did ask my wealthy brother but he went on a rant and refused to help. It nearly killed me to ask him and we used to be so close but money can and does change many people. She should not also have said about you not having children as she does not know if that is by choice or other. Just continue to live the best life you can as the world seems to be gone mad now and so much corruption in governments and people struggling with cost of living.

T sounds jealous/resentful. I think that your friendship has probably run it's course. you don't nece need to cut her off, but could fade her out so it's more of a hi/bye type interaction.

You're not remotely BU to feel miffed, I'm surprised it's nothing stronger - I find it odd that she would attack you over that as though you're better off in this position when clearly they've been very fortunate financially and the fact that she chose not having children as a means of trying to say you don't get to complain about the cost of living crisis when it very much sounds as though not having children is not through choice, is a spectacularly spiteful and an obnoxious thing to say to someone. Frankly she owes you a massive apology.

T is being a twat

There are people who cannot afford to feed their children a nutritious meal, or can no longer afford the commute to work (and cant afford not to work) never mind paying for childcare for someone else or worry about sending their kids to private school! All of you have been a bit ridiculous.

This.

OP I think you sound like a very generous and kind person.

Your friend sounds quite unhinged and very unkind.

Very sorry.

Not that it excuses her behaviour, but I think this is probably the case

Do you think everyone who donates to charity and pays nursery fees is on "quite some salary"? Because surely loads of people do that?

I don't understand people saying that because OP pays nursery fees then she must be minted. Loads of people pay nursery fees. OP just happens to pay nursery fees for another family member. But it's still just nursery fees, which many people pay. It's not like she's paying for someone's Porsche and annual skiing holiday!